It Will Pass
Ok! A new story. It's been a very long time since I have written anything and I hope you guys like it!
I shove my fingers down my throat till I begin to gag and I wait for those few bites of dinner to come up. I pray that the bathroom fan and TV is loud enough to cover up my puking. I can't have my mom find out what I've been doing. I don't know what she would do or say. I watch the contents of my stomach spill into the toilet. It's mostly just the water that I drank during dinner to fill myself up.
I straighten up and flush the toilet before I rinse off my face and brush my teeth. I stare at myself in the mirror. My dark blonde hair is lying flat across my forehead. I look exhausted. My eyes are dark and my skin is pale. I slip off my boxers before I hop on the scale…I hate the scale. But I remember one time my mom had moved it and I freaked out thinking it was gone. It's like the enemy you can't live without. I have to have it. The blue lights blink at me. 134.3….shit. I allowed myself to eat lunch and now look. I went back up half a pound. Nothing I can do about it in the second. I slip on my boxers and my sweats before I throw on a hoody. I turn off the lights and walk back out to the living room where my mom is watching TV.
"Honey, are you ok? You don't look so well." My mom is looking at me like I was just hit by a bus.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I get a glass of ice water, it burns the calories faster, before I give my mom a kiss on the cheek. "I think I'm gonna go to bed early. I had a long day today. Logan got into a fight with another doctor. He was being a huge dick to him." My mom gives me a glare that I don't acknowledge. She hates it when I use that language. But it's true, working at the hospital can be tough some days for more reasons than just the sick kids.
"Alright sweetie. I love you"
"I love you too mom." I walk down the hall to my bed room. I climb under the covers and shiver. When you stop eating you are cold all the time. I lay flat on my back and put my hands on my stomach. It's soft. I know it's because I haven't eaten and I need to keep it that way. Sadly some day's it's harder than others. I run my finger tips over my hip bones, they are showing more, though I know I can't stop now. I touch my collar bones. They are starting to become more prominent. Those are what I worked the hardest for. Everyone, everyday, can see them. No one wants to look at a bunch of fat and skin sitting at the bottom of your neck. They want perfection.
I close my eyes before my push on my ribs. I love how I can feel them. Just another week and I should be at my goal weight. I need to weigh 130. Once I hit that I might eat for a month. My goal weight was really 135 but I have to give myself some wiggle room since I'm going to eat again. I just hope it doesn't make me sick.
Last time I started eating, I ate so much in one day by the end of it I was puking without forcing myself. It was terrible. So even when I let myself eat it hurts.
I breath out a long breath before I snuggle under the covers. I let my thoughts drift off to when someone will love me. When I will finally be good looking enough for some guy out there. Though, I do have a guy in mind. And I think about him. And every night when I lay down hungry I tell myself that I'm making my body good enough for him. Some day he will notice me and he will want me. I'm working for the day when I'm perfect. Because he is definitely so damn perfect!
IT WILL PASS
I hear my alarm go off and I throw my blankets off. I hate mornings. But I also look forward to them because I get to weigh myself and hope for results. I pull myself out of bed. I know my mom has already gone to her own job. She works some desk job at a storage place down the road. Nothing fancy.
I start my normal routine. I always turn on the heat. I hate how cold it gets in here at night. I walk down the hall to the bathroom. I shed my clothes before I use the bathroom. I have to make sure that I shed every ounce before I touch the scale. I then examine myself in the mirror. I make sure that I don't look any bigger than I did last night, I look at everything I have to improve. I can't hardly see my hips when standing. I have to change that. I can't see my ribs. Only feel them. I smile when I get to my collar bones. They are coming along nicely.
I pull the scale out from under the sink and set it down gently before jumping on. I throw my head back waiting the five seconds I dread. 5…4…3…2…1. I look down and see 132.8! Ok, i didn't completely blow it! Thank God!
I run down the stairs, throw on clean boxers and scrubs. I brush my teeth and straighten my hair. A little deodorant and cologne. I grab my badge off my dresser. The security at the hospital is horrible about you forget you're badge. It's a huge pain in the ass to deal with them.
I slip on my shoes, turn the heat back down so mom doesn't find out, then I'm out the door.
The sun feel so good. It warms my skin instantly, though, it's already November and the warm weather doesn't last much longer in Minnesota. I hop in my car and I'm on my way.
IT WILL PASS
Soon, I'm stepping off the elevator onto the 10th floor. I work in the PICU. It's a hard job but I have come to love it. I see some horrible things and some pretty amazing things too. I walk past security. Out of the corner of my eye I see him look up. I already have my hand on my badge in my pocket. I pull it out, flashing it to him. I don't even slow down and he doesn't say a word….this is a every day thing. I see the same guy three days a week and he still looks for it.
I walk down the long white hall to the break room where I drop off my lunch box, if you can even call it that. I keep it with me because that's where I keep my wallet and my keys. What else what I keep in there? Food?
I swipe my badge over the lock and it clicks. I push it open and shocking, theres Carlos. "Hey asshole, I see you're slacking again. Anything good come in last night?" I hang my lunch box and coat up.
"Nah, just a liver transplant and a kid who needs platelets. He was coughing up blood into his trach. Logan said he was losing blood. I don't know the details." Carlos doesn't even look up from his phone. This is how most day's start. Logan is one of the many attending's who round the PICU. Though, he is the one who has been here the most. He is a good guy, and a good friend.
"Ah, sounds eventful." I move to the machine to clock in before Carlos stands and puts his phone away. "Ready to start this day?"
"Not in the slightest." He says back though he's smiling.
"Are you going to hit on him again today?" I say giving him a nudge as we head down the hall to a clean room that keeps all of our stock. Carlos has the biggest crush on Logan and has since the day he started.
He blushes before he gets defensive, "Are you going to hit on him yet?"
I glare. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Before he has a chance to answer we turn the corner and there is the him that Carlos was talking about. He is gorgeous. His name is James and he is one of the nurses. He is also one of the nicer ones, maybe that's part of the reason why i think he is so hot.
I blush and he hasn't even looked at me. I rush to put the code into the door to let us into the clean room. It clicks and I push through. Phew. I survived that close encounter. Yup, that is how I handle things. Clearly it's not well.
"Fuck, Kendall, you're like a scared little bunny running from the big bad fox or something." Carlos points out after the door has closed.
I pull the cart towards me and start filling it before we stock bedside carts. "Yup, and that isn't going to change." He rolls his eyes before he starts folding linen to stock that cart.
Once we have our shit together we leave the clean room, and just like every morning we start with James' room. I always do his first so that I don't have to worry about blushing longer than I have to.
He is sitting at his computer charting when we come up to the glass door. I see his kid is still sleeping. "Do you want us to fill you're stuff now or wait?" Carlos can be an ass but he is my best friend and he always has my back. We have known each other since we were little. He know's how I am when it comes to James.
James turns around in his chair and looks at his watch on his right hand, "Nah, it's 11:30. It's a good time to get him up now. I guess he had a rough night, had to be bagged." Ah, I was wondering why this kid was still sleeping. He is always up before I get here. "He will never sleep for his nap if I let him keep on." This kiddo is always d-sating and needing bagging. He codes a lot too, That's why he has been in the PICU for 2 fucking years! That is why James is always in the same room. He primary's him.
I move into the room as Carlos continues talking to James. Carlos will talk to anyone. He is definitely a people person…me on the other hand, not so much. Maybe that's why we get along. We even each other out.
I open each drawer of the linen cart before I walk out the room to gather the things to fill it.
"You're still coming over tonight right Kendall?" Carlos says to me.
I look at him avoiding James, "Yeah, why?"
"Just asking since I thought about it."
"Ok" I think nothing of it before I go back in the room and put things away. I feel a little light headed but I know it will pass. It always does. I need a glass of water before I pass out. I will just finish this first though.
I turn around and the kid is looking at me through the bars of the crib. I can't help but laugh at him. "Hi, Ottie." His name is really Otis but he call him that for short. it's cuter.
I walk to the med cart and start checking what James needs. I heart Ottie move before the monitor starts going off. He is d-sating. I see his O2 drop before his heart starts to drop. He is on his back facing away from me. That is never good. I rush over and put the side of the crib down. I him towards me and his lips are blue. I begin to grab his bag and silence his ventilator.
"James! I need you in here now!" I yell loud enough that I know he will hear me as I attach the bag to the toddler and start breathing for him. James comes in fast taking the bag from me. "Turn up his O's to 3." I rush to the wall and turn up the Oxygen for when James puts him back on the vent.
Carlos is in the room as well, "Do you want me to push staff assist?"
"No, he should come back up. This is what he did last night."
We all stand and watch his numbers quietly. The only thing I can hear is the alarm on the machine and the blue bag James is using to breath for the kid. He slowly comes up. I let out a sigh of relief. I grab the tubing that connects Ottie to his ventilator so that I can hook him up once James takes him off the bag. He pops him off, I pop him on.
"You're linen cart is stocked and you didn't need anything filled in you're bedside cart." I talk quietly. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through me though.
"Ok, thank you Kendall. Are you my tech today?" He asks. We lock eyes and I feel myself blush. I mentally roll my eyes at myself.
"Yeah, I'm on this side today."
He smiles at me and I feel my empty stomach fill with butterfly's. I look away. "Do you need anything else?"
"Nah, I'm good thank you." He lifts up the side of the crib before he gathers some things to change the baby's diaper.
I move out of the room with Carlos though he stops and to say something as I push the cart to the next room. "I'll see you tonight James!"
My eye's go wide. What!? No! "Yup! See ya at 7!"
Carlos smiles at me and all I can do is glare and in a deep voice "I hate you."
DONE! Any thoughts and suggestions are welcome! I appreciate it much!