Confidence
I stood in front of the honor's list, scanning what seemed to be a mile long record of the top students in the school. Not much was indicated there and the only name I paid attention to was the one at the rank one position.
Saena Koshiba. Me.
No one could outmatch me in academics; overthrow me from my position for the whole four years I have stayed here. Not one student could surpass me, even the teachers knew that. So the only things I do in school are to study my lessons, tutor my classmates and go to the library to find more information.
Some students try to communicate with me, try to be friendly with me when in reality, the only thing they want from me was the answer to every assignment. Those were their intentions and I knew it very well. If not, why befriend a total nerd wearing thick glasses who is always a mess? That's a direct description of my looks. An ugly nerd, someone who can never become beautiful woman. In fact, if not for my academic excellence, no one would even notice my worthless existence.
Everyday, I live life like this. Befriended by ambitious students, walking around the campus alone then go home early. Why not? No one wanted to hang out with me unless the topic was homework. I'm just a nobody at that point.
As soon as I get home, I would show my mother my grades. I never knew why I got used to doing that but I did know one thing: excellence is rewarded with love. I remain a nerd to be loved by my mother. Praise and attention, these I receive when I bring home academic awards. My only source of love.
Too bad it's not always like that.
Without my school performance, I was just a wallpaper at the house, being ignored all the time. My little brother is luckier than me. He has my parents' attention even without smarts and intelligence. I envied him. Mother and father never fail to tell him they love him, something I rarely receive.
I don't know why but father never seemed to like me. Often times, even with just a few mistakes, father would harshly punish me. A leather belt or a shoe as a weapon, landed on my skin, stinging painfully with each hit. I would plead, beg or cry for him to stop. But he never shows me mercy. He would wait for me to bleed then leave me crying on the cold floor. At midnight, I would crawl weakly to my bed, leaving a trail of blood behind me which father would surely scold me for. Every other night after those beatings I would cry myself to sleep, wondering why my life turned out like this and hoping for whatever future I still hold on to.
A life like mine. Is it still worth living? Many times I have thought of suicide as the solution but I can never bring myself to do it. I agonize everyday, painfully keeping up with the pace of the world. No matter how hard I try, I will never gain the one thing I want most. Because I lack the confidence to look into life. I lack confidence to fight back, confidence to defy even the powerful. Confidence that the gods have cruelly taken from me.
I learned to stay away from men. Depicting my experiences with my father, I began to doubt all the men in the world. Cold and cruel, heartless and incapable of showing mercy. Those are the characteristics I have kept in mind about them. They take advantage of my sensitivity, always telling me cruel jokes that eventually make me cry. No one defended me, of course. No one loved a worthless being.
Slowly, I began to withdraw from the world. The harsh nature of humans. People who can never understand me. For some unknown reason, I could not bring myself to tell anyone about my state in life. No one knew my experiences, the cruel beatings I get and the taunting they give me at school.
Finally I graduated. I went to college. I rented my own apartment away from my family. I missed mother a little. But father, I never found myself worrying for him. After all, these bruises and wounds I now carry came from him. From his inhumane treatment to me as a daughter. Did he even see me as a daughter? Nevertheless, I didn't care anymore. I was free of him, free from his grasp.
Starting college made me forget about my father. I focused on my academics. My looks have no value to me anymore. They can taunt me all they want, laugh at my ugly form even call me unspeakable names. My world was different from theirs; theirs different from mine. Sometimes I find myself daydreaming in class. Imagining myself in another world with a more attractive figure, possessing the confidence I lack and the people loving me with all their hearts. Loving me like I was somebody to them. Love that will never come to someone like me.
For the first semester, I was mostly in the library, working on my projects or just reading alone in one corner. By then everyone knew how much nerd I was. I kept mostly to myself, drawing the least possible attention from the world. I stopped caring about what they thought about me.
One day, however, I bumped into a girl in the hallway. I waited for her to shout at me like what all the others did to me. Instead, she helped me pick up all the things that I have dropped and apologized to me. She seemed so nice and trusting. I cried at that time, happy that she treated me like the human being I was. She mistook my tears for something bad. She practically begged me to stop crying. I laughed at her effort and I introduced myself. She also told me her name was Nozomi Kira. Ever since that day, We became best friends.
I never thought of having a boyfriend. Namely because no sane man would love me. But Nozomi kept insisting on it, trying to find someone who would like to meet me. No success though. It seemed every man in that university had a fear of me. I always reminded myself not to love so I would not be hurt. I didn't love anyone.
Not until he came into my life.
On the very first day of the second semester, I fell in love with him. I couldn't explain the reason why but at that moment, the first time I saw him, my heart skipped a beat. Never in my life had I felt like that way. This feeling called love, one thing I always wanted to receive. Something I so very much desired.
He had silky black hair as opposed to my roughly-done brown hair. He had dark brown eyes which radiated with warmth. And his smile. It was something I have never seen in my life. He possessed an earnest smile that made me gaze into him hypnotically.
Everyone quickly liked him, especially the girls. They would fight over him. At times they would engage into physical fights just to determine who gets to talk to him.
Overtime, I learned what his name was. It was Itsuki Mogami.
After sometime, I realized what it felt to be hopelessly in love -- and the pain of losing it. For the record, no one had ever told me he liked me. I was the subject of jokes, not the subject of romantic confessions. How I wanted to talk to him, to tell him how much I loved him, to be leaning against his chest as I try to hear the sound of his heart. I wanted so much to do that. Only I can't. Destiny played with me, made me fall for someone who was the complete opposite of myself. A handsome man full of confidence, a man loved by everyone leading a colorful life. I, on the other hand, am an unattractive nerd, a girl totally uncared for who is leading a worthless life. I can only dream of being with him while in reality, there is a wide distance between us. A gap that can never be filled.
From then on, I watched his every move. He sat in the front row which made watching him easy. I decided just to be happy with his smiles, to be watching him over the distance. It somehow encouraged me to move on. To continue my life until I reach thy peak. I studied harder. I worked harder to regain the confidence to live on. So that I can forget my past. My horribly dark past.
One day, fate played a trick on me again. I was suddenly partnered with Itsuki. Every girl in class complained, of course. They said it was unfair and started calling me names and so on. I didn't care even if they called me a bitch, prostitute or whatever.
But he defended me. That surprised me a lot. No one had ever stood up for me. He made me feel that through all the troubles I had encountered, I still had someone who cared for me. It made me love him even more. So much that it hurt. I had the sudden urge to tell him that I love him. But I knew it was useless. Would he even consider liking me?
The days passed on. We worked on the project every after class at his house. He was still living with his parents. And they seemed to be in good terms too. Itsuki was really lucky with his family. His older brother loves him and so does the rest of the family. Every time I go there, I felt like crying. One day, I did cry. They were probably shocked by that reaction when they told me that I was already a part of their family and that they would always be there for me. That time, I was crying so hard that I didn't notice that I was telling them about my life. About the academics, my family, the wounds I had, everything. They managed to calm me down and had Itsuki escort me home. I felt relieved just being with him. I wondered if there was a chance for him to like me but it didn't seem possible. Being loved will remain a dream to me.
We started hanging out after that incident. I couldn't tell if it was because he liked me or just out of sympathy. And I really didn't care at that moment. Staying beside him kept me encouraged and as long as I can be with him, I don't need anything else. Nozomi started teasing me about it. I never tried t hide it, though.
I found myself telling him about things I only told Nozomi. About what I wanted most and things about my family that burdened me. It makes me comfortable when he listens to every word I say and when he jokes me about my looks but not in the cruel way.
Nozomi, after finding out my feeling for Itsuki, changed how I lived life. She was a really childish woman which didn't match her mature looks. My glasses, my old-fashioned clothes, she disposed of them. I thought she was being stupid that time, throwing my stuff into the trash bin as if I told her to. In replacement of those she threw away, she gave me set of contacts and a new set of the latest clothes for my twenty first birthday. A new look too. God, at that time in my life, I almost lost my sanity just by looking at those outrageous gifts she gave me. She even made me wear an almost naked dress and showed me to Itsuki. I swore to her that time that if I fainted, then she should just kill me. I saw Itsuki's eyes widen, probably because I had never dressed like that, and I felt myself get hot.
The three of us often go out together after that incident. Nozomi started following us everywhere we go. Whether it was at the movies or just at the library, she would trail behind us. It sort of bothered me but she was my best friend. Besides, I knew that she just wanted to help me.
Itsuki suddenly asked him to meet him at the park one winter day. What it meant, I had no idea. While I was on my way there, I expected that it would be a joke and someone would laugh at me for falling for it. I also half-expected that his fan girls would jump out of the bushes and start murdering me with razor sharp chopsticks. None of that happened because I arrived at the place safe and unharmed. By the corner of the park, I saw Itsuki pacing back and forth while waiting for me. I pasted a smile on my face as I walked up to him. It was weird seeing him so serious for once and as I neared him, he said those words which I longed for ever since I was young.
He told me he loved me. And that he wanted to marry me.
The world spun around me. I thought that I was going to die in front of him. But I know I can't, not after hearing those words. He caught around his arms as I tried to regain my balance. Tears spilled from my eyes. Like Nozomi, he thought that he had upset me with what he had said. I told him otherwise and I agreed to marry him.
I went to school with him everyday after that day. Some fan girls shot me dangerous looks but I couldn't care less. The only thing that mattered to me was Itsuki and the fact that we will be together until death. Nozomi was happy for both of us. She told me I was very lucky to have him. I agreed with her. I really was lucky to be with him even after those dark times.
About a month after graduation, Itsuki and I decided to reside in Kyoto. He had a good relationship with our neighbors, the Fuwas. Our first three years together were fantastic, living life as if it were a dream. It almost didn't seem like that when we were planning for our marriage. My parents disowned after finding out that I wouldn't take up law. It was still alright. They weren't my loss and at last, I was freed of my burden. Away from their cruel upbringing to me. Though moving to Kyoto meant losing contact with Nozomi who decided to migrate to America after we graduated. I haven't seen her ever since.
On our fourth year together, I got pregnant. I was so excited when I found out that Itsuki had to hold me to keep me on the ground. It was also a coincidence that Fuwa-san was pregnant that year too. And one news intrigued me most-- Nozomi was coming to Kyoto to see me. It was a dream. That moment, it all felt like a big dream.
Itsuki had to leave, however. He wanted to be a seaman which didn't make sense to me. He promised to be back when I delivered the child. I took that promise but still, I missed him everyday that year. Fortunately, Nozomi was there for me when he left. She told me she had used the name Julie during her stay in America. In fact, when she came back, Nozomi brought along her husband and her three year old son named Kuon. Her husband was Kuu Hizuri, a legendary actor known for his talent in Japan and in America. I had constantly teased her about her husband's reputation which she just shrugged off with a smile.
My life stayed like that for the whole year. Nozomi and her family watched over me as I work around the house each day that passes. Kuon proved to be a great help. He was a strong boy, stronger than most boys his age. Kuu had a monster appetite, one that Nozomi couldn't change no matter what she tries. They were the ideal family and I thought that as soon as Itsuki comes home and I deliver the child, we would be too.
December 24th came. I didn't expect that I'd spend Christmas eve at the hospital delivering my daughter. It was pure torture. My head hurt, my knees trembled, and my breathing became raspy as I struggled to let the baby out. Only God knows what kind of pain I had experienced. My vision blurred that moment. If only Itsuki was there with me. If only he had come back earlier...
Hours of chaos passed. I couldn't keep track of time. I was too busy moaning and groaning. She wouldn't come out. I thought I was going to die there. I thought my life was about to end.
Then it came. At exactly twelve midnight, she came out. Christmas. For me, she was an early gift from Santa. He gave me a wonderful daughter. She had a few strands of hair but I saw that she had inherited her father's looks. From her skin to her hair. I was disappointed that she didn't get anything from me, or so I thought.
A week after my labor, she and I went home with Nozomi. She was so overjoyed at the sight of my daughter and suggested that the name Kyoko would fit her. I went with that, thinking that it did fit her. Seeing Kyoko fine, I was sure that I was probably the most fortunate woman in the world. When she opened her eyes on afternoon, I discovered that she did get something from me. My eyes.
Kuon played with Kyoko everyday as well as Shoutaro. Shoutaro was Fuwa-san's son and the same age as Kyoko. They would look at Kuon as if he was their big brother. Especially Shoutaro. He would imitate every action Kuon does and every time he does, Kyoko laughs at him. Though that kept me calm, I still couldn't stop wondering why Itsuki was taking so long. Every night I reassure myself, saying over and over that he was okay and once he returns, we will be a happy family.
But fate carved a mournful future for me. Time tricked me again. Happiness, I found out, would never be mine. I can never keep true happiness, something that I had discovered the hard way. I kept asking over and over why Itsuki took so long to come back. As the news came, the answer became clear.
The ship he was on sunk. No survivors were found. Everyone on board was lost.
He died. Itsuki died.
My world shattered. My heart bled. Hot tears poured out of my eyes as I tried to fit the pieces together. I fell to my knees, my whole body trembling. Why? Why him? Of all the people in the world, why did they take him? Why did they take away the only person who had loved me? Why?
I screamed. I mourned. I cried. In two weeks time, I wore myself out. Even Nozomi couldn't cheer me up. I was devastated. Destroyed. I told her to leave me, to go back to America. She did. She and her whole family. I could still feel her embrace as she walked out the door. But I didn't notice. I was too busy grieving, too busy thinking about my stupid life. Busy thinking about him.
Itsuki. He had been nice. He had been a wonderful husband. He loved me… and I loved him back. He would've made a perfect father for Kyoko. But why this? Why did he have to die so soon? We were going to lead a happy life. A life with our daughter, Kyoko. Why did you leave without even seeing your own daughter?
Grief turned to resentment. Resentment turned into deep hatred. I was a good girl all my life. I stayed with a family I didn't like. I endured bullyings and tauntings about me. I practically crawled all the way to where I am now. I persevered to patch up my life, to change the destiny I have been cursed to follow. I tried and tried and tried. My life, my hope, the only love of my life, gone. Swept away by the waves. For the first time ever, I began to hate myself. Why did I have to live this life? Why was I born? Why didn't they just kill me instead of making me go through sheer torture? Why did God turn my life into hell?
Tears passed. I still grieved. I had completely ignored Kyoko. But she never failed to make me focus my attention to her. She tried to cheer me up, to make me feel better by saying loving words. I tried to love her. After all, she was my daughter. My own flesh and blood. She was Itsuki's daughter too.
I wanted her to become an academic genius like me. I didn't realize that I had turned into a perfectionist. Since I had no other things to take care of, Kyoko was always the one I thought of. I wanted to forget Itsuki by focusing my attention to her. I thought she would be like me, someone who was smart and intelligent. But no, God didn't grant that. Kyoko never got a perfect score on tests. I severely punished her for that kind of performance. She cried. She pleaded and begged for me to like her. To love her.
It dawned to me that she was like me in many ways. Wanting to be loved and to love back. But why couldn't I bring myself to love her? Is it because I was like mother who only loved me because of my grades? Why can't I love Kyoko?
One time I got fed up with her. She brought home such a low score and tried to apologize to me. I wasn't in the right mood. Her score irritated me even more. I couldn't prevent myself. I hit her. It was the first time I did so. Kyoko cried at the pain of the hit. I looked at her cowering form and I remembered myself. What was I doing? Why am I hurting her? She was my daughter, Itsuki's daughter. Why couldn't I prevent myself from hitting her?
My knees shook as I figured out the answer by myself. I was becoming like him. Father. Doing this, I'm no better that the man who tortured me in my childhood. Cruel and bitter to my only child, shame was the only feeling that I should have after realizing this. If I continue to do this, Kyoko will definitely experience the same coldness that I had felt in my past. I, her own mother, will drive her away from her sanity. I can't let that happen. God no. Not to my daughter. Anyone but her. I had to leave. I had to let her live without pain.
I had to disappear from her life.
Yes, that day did come. My fingers dug into her tiny arm as I instructed her to stay at the Fuwa's inn. Her bags were neatly arranged beside her. Fuwa-san was generous enough to let her stay at the inn while helping around with the chores. Leaving made my stomach tie in knots. I wanted to hug her, to tell her I love her, that I'm not exactly abandoning her because I hate her. Only God knows how much effort it took me not to do that. Kyoko would definitely beg me not to leave. And I might hurt her again.
Her hands touched mine but I had learned not to respond. I stood up, head held up high as I pivoted from my position and turned my back at her. Because if I didn't, I would see her eyes brimming with tears. Forcing myself not to sob, I slowly paced away, away from Kyoko. Through the distance, I could still hear her calling me, her voice trying to catch my attention. I didn't turn, I never looked back. I kept on walking, walked until I couldn't feel her anymore.
Automatically, I stopped. A single tear escaped my eye, rolling down my cheek. Without knowing, I started sobbing as knelt down, covering my face with my hand. Abandoning her… I did it. My heart felt heavy just thinking of it. Leaving pure Kyoko behind…
Confidence. Up to now, I still haven't regained that feeling. That ability. If only I had the confidence to raise Kyoko alone, I would've done it. But I couldn't, not now that Itsuki is gone. He was my only hope for it. Yet it seems that the world was really against me, taking the man whom I loved so much. Now there was no hope... no more chance.
Standing up, I cleared my face from any signs of grief. To where I am going, I do not know. To what will happen I have no clue. But Kyoko, yes I know. She is so like Itsuki. Her eyes. I closed my own as I remembered that moment. Those amber eyes showed a twinkle of hope, something missing in my own. It was confidence, the ability to live life until the end, confidence to even fight with the greatest. That child will become someone strong in the future; someone who can take any challenge life throws at them. Kyoko is a strong willed, daring child.
Please be fine, I thought tearfully. For the first time since I have left, I looked back. Looked at the place that I had called home for the past ten years. The place Itsuki and I lived at even for just a short while. The same place I left Kyoko at.
I turned my head in front of me with great regret. And as I started walking, I made a vow. One day, Kyoko, I will come back for you. That day when I gain the confidence to face you. To tell you the truth. I will return to be the mother I have never been to you.
Abruptly stopping, I took one last look at the place.
When the day comes that I have found enough confidence, I will explain everything.
I sighed deeply as I looked back to the lane.
Until that day, I will journey into the world. To find the answers to the questions in my heart. To search for the confidence I lack.
One foot stepped forward. Then the other. I walked quickly, to start my new life. The road to freedom.
This may take a while, I thought. Then I better start it.
Goodbye, Kyoko.
So this is what I think happened with Saena why she left Kyoko. I think she's not that bad although she was expressed that way in the manga. Honestly, when my friends read this, they thought that Saena was me. Really, why think that? I'm not that abused. My mother doesn't just love me just because of my grades. And I do have a younger brother who really has all the attention even without grades. And I do envy him. Anyway, I just decided to write this after I got the idea when my mother scolded me .I hope everyone likes it! If not, do some criticizing by reviewing please. I'm not going to beg for reviews anymore.
-Kaorin71