The Life We Always Wanted

Set during Syd's missing years. This fic follows the show's timeline up until Syd goes to see Kendall after escaping from the Covenant. She goes to see Vaughn, and things go differently… (so, no waking up in Hong Kong finding Vaughn married, just to clarify)

Disclaimer: I don't own Alias or any of the characters.

Chapter One- Revelations

Syd's Point of View

I had to see him. That's why I came to L.A. It was only luck that I found him here. I was driving to his apartment when I saw his car parked along the side of a busy street, in front of an apartment complex. As I pulled over, I saw him get out of the car. Then, he opened the passenger door and a blonde woman got out. Something about her looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place why I would have seen her before. Then, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her. My heart sank. He moved on. He started to get back into the car, but she grabbed his arm. Then the two of them disappeared into the building – to what I could only assume is her apartment.

I knew he thought I died, but it hurt – watching him with her, knowing that he moved on so quickly. Nine months! I'd only been "dead" for nine months! And even through my tears, I had a nagging thought I couldn't get rid of- why does that woman look so familiar?

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I thought about going to Kendall with the information I'd uncovered, but I had to tell Vaughn first. He deserved to know. After seeing Vaughn with that woman, I went back to my hotel and hacked into the Covenant's network to see what I could find out about her. After a couple hours of searching, I found her profile: Lauren Reed, Covenant officer working undercover at the NSC. Her current assignment is to form a relationship with Michael Vaughn, convince him to go back to work at the CIA, and use him to steal CIA secrets.

That's how I found myself sitting in Vaughn's apartment, waiting for him. Lauren left on a Covenant mission that morning, so I wasn't worried she would show up. I heard the key in the lock and stood up, waiting for Vaughn to come in.

"Syd" he slurred, obviously drunk "I didn't expect you so soon – it usually takes a few more drinks." He held up a bottle of whiskey "but I'm glad you're here – I was afraid you wouldn't come anymore – not after yesterday."

I was completely speechless. Vaughn was so drunk he thought I was a hallucination, and it sounded like a common occurrence.

"I had sex with her Syd," he continued "I didn't want to, but I'm trying to move on. I know you hate how much I drink."

I still couldn't open my mouth; I was too stunned to speak.

"I didn't want it to be her Syd" he sobbed "I imagined it was you I was holding and kissing. Syd, I can't do this, I can't move on…I can barely get through a day without you." He opened his bottle and took a long swig of whiskey.

"Vaughn, it's OK" I was oddly relieved at his guilt. He obviously wasn't over me, and that made me feel so much better. "I know you still love me, and you always will. Now put the bottle down." Amazingly, he actually listened to me and set the bottle on the counter. "Now come on, you need some sleep."

I took his hand, led him to the bedroom, and helped him into bed. I took off his shoes and pulled his blanket around him. Then - even though I knew it was probably a bad idea – I lay down next to him.

"Syd" he muttered, pulling me to him "don't ever leave me"

"I won't Vaughn, I love you." I replied as we both drifted off to sleep.

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"Syd" I looked up when he said my name "you're still here – you're never here in the morning."

"How are you feeling this morning?" I replied, sitting up.

"Other than a killer headache, I'm wonderful – you're here. Usually I have to be drunk for you to be here."

"Vaughn – it's not your imagination, I'm really here."

"Yeah, sure Syd."

"Vaughn! Look at me" He sat up, at least partially complying with my request "Touch me" I grabbed his hand "I'm here. I'm NOT dead."

"But I scattered your ashes."

"It wasn't my ashes – I was kidnapped by the Covenant; they faked my death."

"Or else you're just saying that to get me to trust you."

"Ask me something – ask me anything. Something that will prove it to you. Something that will make you believe me." I pleaded with him. I hadn't expected it to be this hard to convince him.

"When you went to go save Will, when he was kidnapped by Khasinau, I came and found you. Where were you?"

"The train station. But you checked the observatory and the pier and the bluffs and the palisades before you came there – you remembered all the places I liked to go. You remembered how I liked to watch the normal people going to their normal jobs"

"Oh my gosh, it's really you!" He pulled me to him and kissed me with the need only someone who's lost the love of their life can know.

"You were here, when I stumbled home last night, weren't you?" He asked once we finally broke apart.

"Yes."

He held me close "Syd. I'm so sorry – for everything"

"It's OK." I stayed in his arms a moment longer then stood up "you should take a shower and get some aspirin. I'll make some coffee. We have a lot to talk about."

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Vaughn's POV

My brain felt a little less foggy after I showered, but I could still hardly believe that Syd was really alive – that she was here, in my apartment, drinking coffee. I stood in the doorway for a moment, just staring at her, afraid that if I moved she would disappear. She must have felt my eyes on her, because she looked up.

"I made coffee – it should help your hangover"

Just the mention of the word hangover reminded me of last night – stumbling into my apartment completely wasted, thinking Syd was another hallucination. Then came the guilt and shame. She never should have had to see me like that. I poured myself a cup of the strong black coffee and sat down next to her on the couch.

"Syd, I'm so sorry about last night…that you had to see me like that."

"It's OK Vaughn. I won't say I liked seeing you drunk, because I didn't. But I think I understand. Do you drink like that a lot?"

"I used to. After you died, I couldn't take it. I left the country for a while, I guess I thought it would help me cope. I used to talk to you like you were still around. Literally, out loud. Whole conversations, about nothing. The weather. Should I get a new car. Should I have another drink. Then one day, you started answering. I mean, I could hear you in my head, like you were standing right next to me Syd. Although rationally I knew I was a guy who stayed up nights drinking, talking to his dead girlfriend, still I couldn't stop."

I could see the tears forming in her eyes, and I paused. "After six months of that, I had the sudden realization that you wouldn't want me to live like that. So I cleaned up and tried to get on with my life. Then, well, last night happened." I wasn't really quite sure how to tell her the next part.

"I saw you with her Vaughn. I know what happened."

"Oh Syd – I'm so sorry."

"You were outside her apartment. When I saw you kiss her, it was like someone was twisting a knife into my stomach. Then I saw her grab your arm and you went inside."

The one thing in the world I never wanted to do was hurt Sydney, but that's exactly what I'd done.

"But then last night" she continued " you were apologizing to me. You said that you didn't want to be with her…that you were imagining it was me." I nodded my head slightly, too ashamed of myself to speak. "Vaughn, I know you love me, that you were trying to….to…put your life back together. I'm not mad."

"I felt so guilty Syd, like I had betrayed you. You were all I could think about – and I was sleeping with someone else. After work yesterday, I went straight to the bar – I had to escape the guilt and shame I felt. I had to talk to you. I knew if I drank enough I could make myself believe you were with me."

"You don't have to drink anymore. I'm here with you now."

"I can still hardly believe it. I mean, I scattered your ashes, there was a fire, they had your DNA…"

"It was all a set up. The Covenant kidnapped me and faked my death. They spent the next six months trying to convice me that I was someone else. I guess I should thank my dad…I think it was the Project Christmas training that made me able to resist the brainwashing. I finally decided to play along, to make them think it had worked. I became Julia Thorne, contract killer. As soon as I got a chance, I contacted Kendall. He told me to continue to play along, to feed the CIA information, not to tell anyone else that I was alive." She paused, taking a breath "but I had to see you. Even if it would blow my cover. So I came anyway."

"And you saw me with Lauren."

"I almost called Kendall again, right there, to tell him I would do whatever he wanted. But there was something about that woman… she looked familiar."

"Where would you have seen Lauren before?"

"I didn't know at first, so I did a little searching. I found a picture of her, and some information. Then it hit me – I had seen her at the facility where I was being held by the Covenant. She was observing the test of loyalty they forced me to do. Vaughn, Lauren's Covenant."

I was stunned. Of all the people I could have dated, I had to pick someone evil. "I had no idea"

"Of course you didn't. But there's more. She has two assignments right now; she works undercover at the NSC, and she's supposed to get close to you." I wanted to say something, how could I be Lauren's assignment? That's so strange, I didn't even work at the CIA anymore. But I couldn't open my mouth. Syd continued "They want her to convince you to go back to the CIA so she can steal CIA secrets from you." Still I couldn't say a word. This was too much. "Vaughn, she was playing you. Manipulating your emotions. Taking advantage of your grief."

With that she set a file on the coffee table. "You can look through this if you want – all the info's there."

"I believe you Syd. If there's anyone I trust, it's you."

"I have a meeting with Kendall this afternoon. I want you to come with me, so we can figure out what to do."

"You know I would do anything for you Syd."

I gazed into her beautiful brown eyes, and brought my hand to her face, gently caressing her cheek. "I missed you so much."

"Me too"

With that, I pulled her toward me. Our kiss was passionate, filled with love, longing, need. We had been apart for too long. We touched each other frantically, trying to make up for lost time.

"I love you Vaughn" Sydney said to me between kisses "and I need you. Make love to me."

"I love you Syd" I replied, kissing her again.

Our lovemaking was a reunion; we belonged together. Afterwards, lying there with my arms around the woman I love, it felt like everything was perfect.

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