A/N: Hey there… it's been a while…. In my defense, I have a handful of things finished that I haven't posted yet. Also, I'm participating in NaNoWriMo. What's that you ask? National Novel Writing Month – 50,000 words in 30 days. If you want to know more you own the internet. I am going to totally plug this new writing game thingy I discovered. It's called 4thewords dot com. I have written so much more since I've started playing that.

Back on track here. Great thanks to Johanna – 002 for letting me branch off from her story "It's Better." If you haven't read it then… what are you doing with your life?! Go check it out. She'll also be writing the third installment of this series (she doesn't know that yet).

… and now a word from Jojo herself:

She wanted me to write an Author's Note for you all. I'm not sure why. Pretty sure she's losing her mind. A conversation about who even knows what and this happens! Her mind is crazy wonderful and I love manipulating it to do things, so without further adieu... Enjoy!

XOXOXO

Nicky had taken a shower that morning when Red had shown her around, but she wasn't ready to face the shower lines alone just yet. She'd seen them on the way back to her bunk and nothing about it seemed appealing. She felt a grimy residue of her first sober day in prison layered upon her skin. She wanted to take a steaming hot shower and try and scour the sensation off her skin until she felt raw and new.

She didn't have the physical energy or mental fortitude for it. Navigating such a crowded space through a sea of women was overwhelming. She wasn't sure if she'd be that safe with a bunch of angry, impatient inmates clawing for the remnants of the hot water. Morning wouldn't be much better, but maybe sleep would leave her feeling less overwhelmed.

At least in the cafeteria for meals, the prospect of food kept everyone in good spirits. Food. She'd been too nervous to eat dinner. Instead of having to face the pitying looks from the senior prisoners, she headed back to her bunk. She hoped that a few minutes alone would calm her down, because the anxiety building within her - she knew - would be overwhelming.

It was one thing to freak out in rehab and deal with the resulting symptoms of getting clean. It was expected there. In rehab, everyone was battling much of the same thing. The last thing she wanted was to show that side of her in prison. Displaying herself as a weak target didn't seem like a smart choice.

Her first meal had been a generous gesture from the woman who was quickly becoming her hero. She'd even cut her sandwich for her. Nicky smiled at the memory. Despite her intimidating nature, Red seemed safe to her. Had she been able to she would have stayed with her the rest of the day, but prison didn't work that way. She'd had orientation and then Red had been busy with a delivery they were receiving.

At lunch Red had steered her towards a table of her group. They were all pleasant and seemed like a nice group of people, but Nicky was still new and spent most of the time watching Red busily move behind the lunch line and in and out of the kitchen. Nicky was a social person and knew how to work a crowd, but she didn't feel well and the reality of being in prison was hitting her again. She had managed to answer the few questions asked by the others, but even they could tell she wasn't ready for it.

The prospect of repeating that process was unappealing. It would just be one more failure at fitting in. She knew it wouldn't really be a failure, but Nicky felt like wallowing in her negativity was best done alone. They had all been so nice and seemed like they already wanted to look out for her, offering her help and comfort. She didn't want that - at least not from anyone other than Red.

Nicky was good at punishing herself. She was good at self-destructing. Her life had been a constant series of mistakes that were responses to her mother's disappointment in her. Nicky knew that she was responsible for her actions, but there was a gap in her life - a missing piece - that she could never fill. Maybe it was just having someone with her through the worst of the withdrawals or maybe it was something about Red herself, but the brief amount of time they'd spent together made Nicky feel like she wasn't as much of a failure as she believed.

Changing into the clothes she had to sleep in, Nicky got into bed. She leaned back against the concrete wall and drew her knees up. No one else was in the 6-bed-room for the moment - a rarity she assumed. From what she could tell most of the prisons spent as much leisure time as they could with their friends. They'd be back soon.

Lights out was in about forty minutes, she didn't know how she was going to handle being alone in the dark with her thoughts and fears. She was in a rocky place - somewhere between strong cravings and feeling too sick to think about them.

Stirred from her thoughts, she heard footsteps echoing into the room. She tensed at the noise, not ready to give up her solitude. She couldn't see who it was and held her breath until the silence was broken.

"I brought you something," a warm Russian accent filled the empty room. Nicky couldn't help but smile at the sound of it. Even though there was no one else in the room, Nicky was still surprised to find that Red was speaking to her.

Red stood next to the bed and looked down at Nicky. She waited for Nicky to acknowledge her in another way other than her goofy smile. It was a contagious sight and Red had to steel herself against her urge to return it. She wasn't there to be Nicky's friend. A little intimidation would do her good.

While her first reaction to Nicky had been to nurture and protect, the girl seemed wild. Even behind the timid scared side of her that she'd seen, Red's instincts were that she needed tough love and not coddling.

Nicky felt herself shrink back against the wall in recourse of the Stoney look on the older woman's face. Red had been such a help since she'd come to Litchfield, but she was still intimidated by her. Her presence commanded others and demanded respect. There was no doubt in Nicky's mind that Red was in charge of more than just the kitchen. The older woman raised her eyebrows at her, still watching with the same penetrating gaze.

"Um, hi?" Nicky said, unsure of herself. She hated how small and hesitant her voice sounded. This wasn't who she was. Nicky knew herself. She was loud and talkative - a smartass and boisterous. Was that really who she was or was it just the drugs? She was starting to doubt all that she knew about herself.

Thinking back to her life before drugs, there wasn't much of her youth that hadn't been overshadowed by Marka's presence - or absence. She realized that this meek and timid feeling might be at the core of who she was even now. There had never been any sort of resolution - only drugs and rebellion. It was unsettling to realize and not something she was prepared to dwell on.

"Hi," Red said, mocking her more than greeting. She tapped the back of her hand against Nicky's knees, signaling for her to move over. Sitting down next to her hips, Red grabbed her chin and studied the girl over. She looked worn out.

Like a lost child that was in desperate need for someone to tell her what to do. Red was firm in her belief that if she did that she would only be hurting her. Guiding her with baby-steps wasn't the right course here, but a nudge in the right direction wouldn't hurt. Regardless of her age, Red could see that Nicky was a child. Prison was a very grownup world that she would need to acclimate herself to.

"You weren't at dinner," Red stated. She had never been a woman of many words, but in this case, she was still trying to feel the younger woman out. Life had taught her that things weren't always as they seemed and she wanted to understand Nicky. She had felt drawn to her from the beginning, but wondered how much of that was just situational.

Nicky's mind spun in a million different directions trying to come up with something that wouldn't offend her new found … friend? She didn't want to screw anything up with the only person who had gone out of their way for her. Red was her touchstone and that mattered to her.

Before Nicky could explain, Red shook her head, silencing her. "I'm not here to yell at you." She stared at Nicky intently, feeling the girl out. "It's not the end of the world. I won't take offense to you snubbing my cooking - this time." She paused, letting the words settle. Watching Nicky nod quickly in response she felt a sense of pride well up. She learned fast.

"The first week is always the hardest, but you need to eat." She pinched Nicky's side, just beneath her ribs. "You're too skinny," she announced, enjoying the blush that spread across the girl's face.

Without realizing it, Nicky's bottom lip slid into a pout. She rubbed at the spot Red had pinched. She knew it had been partially in jest, but it hurt. "I'm not too skinny," she said, not believing how bratty she sounded.

Chuckling, Red pulled a bag of pretzels out of her pocket and tossed them to Nicky. "Here, in case you get hungry." She pulled out a small pouch of cellophane with brown squares inside. "This is for when the cravings hit," she said.

"What is it?" Nicky asked, holding it up and spinning it around looking at the brown lumps inside.

"Ginger candy. It's thick like taffy and will make your eyes water and your mouth burn, but it will be a good distraction and take your mind off things for a little while."

Holding the bag of salty snacks and the weird candy from hell, as though they were some sort of Christmas present, Nicky tried to comprehend everything that was happening. The logical side of her brain told her that gifts - especially prison ones - always came with a price. What would Red want from her in return and when would she cash in on that favor?

Quieting her mind, Nicky felt like that wasn't the case. Red was just looking out for her. She had her doubts, but she wanted to believe it was true. Already she was under the woman's spell. She knew Red probably hadn't thought twice about her actions, but to Nicky they meant the world. She met Red's gaze and hoped the gratitude showed.

"Well if you're going to cry every time I bring you a present…." Red replied. She offered up her most intimidating look. Now she was just playing with her. There had been enough hardness for a while. This visit wasn't about terrifying her. She wanted to see Nicky survive - more than that, she wanted to see her succeed.

Nicky shook her head quickly. "No. I mean thank you. It's not- It's not like that. I just wasn't expecting … well, I wasn't expecting anything."

Red nodded. "You have good instincts. Don't expect anything from anyone in here," she said, knowingly.

"Even you?" Nicky asked, not wanting to hear the answer.

Smirking at her, Red nodded her head proudly. "Especially me." She liked this girl. She wouldn't tell her that, but she couldn't stop it from happening. "You don't think I got where I am today by playing nice and handing out gifts do you? Loyalty is earned by fear, not by treats."

Nicky chewed on her lip and scrunched up her eyebrows. "Still, I … just … thank you," she said, frustration at not being able to find the right words evident in her voice. "It's nice to feel cared about…" even if it's not real.

"You know sometimes I think a lack of care is why most of these idiots are in here." Red paused as she listened to the scuffling out in the hall. Two people were arguing about one of them stealing the other's dessert. She shook her head in annoyance. There was a loud punching sound and then the yelling of a guard. She ignored the rest and looked back to Nicky. "And then, some asshole comes along and proves me wrong.

Wide eyed, Nicky looked to Red, only partially taking in her words. Even the small act of violence set her on edge. She hadn't seen anything like it since she'd been there and had thought maybe it wouldn't be such a bad place, but suddenly reality came back barking at her heels, pushing her towards the fear. Prison was not a safe place.

"Here," Red said, pulling the book from beneath her arm and handing it too Nicky. " The nights can get pretty lonely in here and you need to stay out of trouble. You're going to keep pushing yourself and you're going to get past the withdrawal symptoms and you're going to stay clean," she growled the message of warning at the younger woman and was satisfied when she saw the twitch of fear radiate in her features.

Nicky nodded and looked down. She pretended like she was looking at the book, but mostly she was just trying to hide her shame. This woman seemed to be able to read her mind at times and it was scaring her a little bit. She had never hated being a junkie before. Using just meant Marka was responding - to something. Nicky didn't think she was a cruel person - she didn't want to hurt Marka - she just wanted to remind her that she was a fucking mother even if she didn't want to be. Now, instead of wanting to ruin herself for someone, she wanted to get better.

"That will keep your mind occupied for now. You've been holed up in here all night or hanging on the edges in the day. I'm sure you haven't gotten warmed up enough to search out dealers, but let me tell you something. They are in here. You're going to have to face that and you're going to have to get past that. You can do that Nicky."

"Thank you," Nicky said. Even she wasn't sure if it was for the book or the support, but it didn't matter to her, both were gifts. "I mean that. You've helped me more than I deserve," she said, voice trailing into disappointment and self-loathing.

Red wasn't going to address Nicky's insecurities tonight. The less attention they were fed the easier those doubts would die. "I know you mean it honey. We've all been where you are - even me."

The younger woman's mouth quirked into a smile and she tried to hide her giggling. "Somehow I doubt that," Nicky explained, when she realized Red was giving her a look of warning. The idea of Red being a brand-new inmate who wasn't in charge amused her even more than the way her chest had fluttered at being called honey.

Shrugging, Red pursed her lips. "Perhaps. Maybe not as quiet, but prison is never what you expect. I came in here with nothing, but I made my way. Some people have what it takes to work their way to the top and some don't."

Red's hand slipped over Nicky's own and the younger woman's breath escaped her. Since she'd came to Litchfield, Red's words had her on a cycle of ups and downs. It was all warm words or warnings coming from Red's lips. It hadn't been until tonight - seeing Red in such a domineering way, that Nicky felt a little afraid of her. The hand holding her own however quelled all those fears.

"You're freezing," Red said to her, reaching for her other hand.

She sounded annoyed, as though it was Nicky's fault. She didn't want to focus on that. Nicky wanted to focus on the strong hands squeezing hers, but her emotions were getting the better of her.

Red saw Nicky worrying her lip and sighed. Nicky looked as though she were about to cry. It was ridiculous. Why was this girl so insecure? She'd seen her with the others, it was obvious that she could hold her own, but in moments like these - quiet and alone, Nicky wasn't the same person.

Looking down, Nicky closed her eyes, hoping that she could keep the tears inside. She knew it was ridiculous to cry over Red's tone, but she couldn't help it. Already she had become in desperate need of the older woman's approval and already she'd managed to lose it.

From the moment she felt how cold Nicky was, she intended to give her the jacket. Now it just looked like pity and that bothered her. Taking off her jacket, Red shook her head. Ridiculous. "Here," Red said, motioning for Nicky to sit up. "I'm too old to be tugging and pulling on you," she added when Nicky still looked dazed. "You want to freeze all night?" Red asked sharply.

This girl was going to be the death of her. She just knew it. A day and a half and already she was trying her patience in ways it hadn't been tested since her own children were young. The idea of being wanted and needed in such a maternal role hit her in a way she hadn't expected. She wanted to foster that connection between them.

Finally, Nicky sat up and with trembling hands took the offered hoodie from Red. She brought it to her chest and hugged it against herself. "What about you?" she asked, holding the jacket tighter in resistance to the possibility of loss.

"You think I'd give that to you and freeze myself? I have a warm blanket in my bunk. I'll be fine." She took the jacket from Nicky, prying it from her fingers. When she started to put it on Nicky as though she were a sleepy toddler, she was surprised by the lack of resistance. With each of these tender moments that Nicky allowed her to see, she fell a little bit more in love with her each time.

Being so tenderly cared for sent a rush of feelings through Nicky. It felt like she belonged to someone. Red may not come off as the maternal type, but Nicky could see it - could feel it. She felt something akin to homesickness. It wasn't that she longed to be anywhere else, she just longed to be with Red. She had never been treated with such gentle attention.

Once she was bundled up in the oversized hoodie, Nicky smiled shyly at Red. She tugged the sleeves so that only her fingers stood out and looked up at Red with loving devotion. A small wave of confidence rushed through her and she leaned forward, hugging herself against Red. "Thank you," she murmured, sniffling back her tears in the most unconvincing manner.

Red wrapped her arms around the younger woman and kissed the top of her head before she realized what she was doing. She was getting soft, but Nicky's genuine gratitude made it worth it. It was a rare thing in prison. She felt Nicky's shoulders start to shake and leaned her head against the top of Nicky's. Red gave her one final squeeze and then pulled her away.

"None of that now," Red chided. She wiped the stray tears off of Nicky's face. "You can't have such tender emotions in here. You never know who will abuse them." Reaching up she tugged gently on a lock of Nicky's curls. "I'll come get you when I wake up and you can take a shower. It's empty then. After that you're on your own kid," she said, tugging once more on Nicky's hair in seriousness.

Nicky's eyes shut in response and she felt a shiver run through her shoulders. A small huff of air escaped her lungs. She listened to Red tell her about how she would need to get used to the circus at some point. When she tried to speak, Red shook her head, halting her words.

"No more thank-yous. You seem like a good kid, but you're also a grown woman. I won't keep coddling you and I don't play favorites. You're clean now, but you have a lot to prove still. Don't mess it up and you'll have family for the rest of your time here. We're a loyal bunch and once you're one of us, you stay that way."

Nodding, Nicky felt sad. This woman had been exactly what she thought she needed coming in here. Now she was realizing that she might be snatched away. Nicky had never been successful with making people proud. Letting people down was what she did.

"Alright," Red said, seeing that Nicky was settling back down. She chucked her chin and winked, as she rose to her feet. "Sweet dreams," she said on her way out.

Nicky sniffled to herself as she looked at the gifts in her lap. She hugged herself, feeling the warmth of Red's body still trapped in the fabric. It wasn't exactly the lengthy hug that she wanted, but it was close enough. She felt surrounded by security. Pulling the front up over her nose she inhaled deeply. It smelled like Red.

By the time Nicky had finished her snack and put the book she'd been reading away, she realized the nervousness she'd experienced earlier had slipped away for at least a little while. Lying down and shutting her eyes there was only one word floating in her mind and dancing upon her tongue - family. She whispered it to herself and it sounded funny to her own ears, but it filled her with enough hope to get her through the night. Tomorrow she would do better. She would show Red she could be better.

XOXOXO

A/N: Those ginger candies are real. My description is also real. If you'd like to check *those* out they're galled gin-gins by The Ginger People. Let me know what you all think!