Love & Instinct

Michelle leaned over the small pot of rice on the burning stove and hesitantly scooped a forkful into her mouth. "Eww!" She made a face and worked to swallow the salty mouthful of mush. She growled in frustration and slammed the fork on the counter. Another dinner, ruined. Tony never minded the fact that she wasn't a great cook, and she had given up on it shortly after they were married, dating even. She hated it. But ever since they had found out about the little one that was going to join the two of them, she felt like she should become more acclimated to it. She wanted to be a good mom. Cooking for her child was part of that, wasn't it? However, out of the half a dozen times she'd tried making a meal since she got pregnant, only twice had it come out any good.

She picked up the phone and dialed Tony's cell number. He would be out of his meeting by now and on his way home. His low voice resonated through the speaker, "Hey, honey."

"Tony, I ruined dinner." The tone of her voice came out more regretful than frustrated.

Tony chuckled across the line. "It's okay, Michelle. I'll pick something up on the way home."

"I'm sorry." She sighed. "I thought rice would be safe territory, but..."

"Michelle, it's fine. Our kid will just have to live off frozen chicken nuggets and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when I'm not around to cook." She detected his lighthearted, sarcastic tone, but she still felt badly about her lack of cooking skill.

"Does this make me a bad wife?"

"No, sweetheart, you're not a bad wife." She felt her husband's comfort carry through the phone. "I'll be home soon."

Michelle hung up the phone and set it on the counter. Her hand settled on her abdomen. It was still sinking in that they were going to have a baby. A little boy. She loved the idea of a little Tony running around. Pictures of what he would look like had already begun surfacing her mind. She could just see his dark curls; big, brown eyes; Tony's tanned skin. She caught herself smiling at the thoughts.

Twenty minutes later Tony walked through the door, accompanied by the smell of freshly baked pizza, and Michelle met him in the kitchen.

"Hey, hun. Hungry?" His lips pecked hers before mischievously curling upward.

In response, her lips twisted and she rolled her eyes. "Yes." Tony set the box on the counter as she retrieved two plates from the cabinet above.

"Tonight feels like a pizza and TV on the couch night. What'dya say?"

"Hmm. Or you could help me fold laundry and pay bills." The business had been keeping them both busy, which was good, but she had gotten behind in housework things too often lately.

"That doesn't sound as fun."

"Hey, some of us actually have to work around here. I've got housework to do on top of the company stuff, you know. And I can't just be the handsome figurehead like you." She bumped his hip and reached for a slice of pizza out of the cardboard box. Tony actually worked really hard and did a wonderful job running their business, but she couldn't help teasing him.

"I'm just a slave-driver, aren't I? Do I need to pay you more money? Will that keep you quiet? Or is it the lovin' you want?" He kissed her cheek and transferred two slices of the pizza onto his plate.

"I think I'll take the money." She shot him a smirk and received a playful spank on the butt in return. "Hey!" she protested through giggles.

"Greedy, greedy. What kinda girl did I marry?"

Still laughing—culinary mess on the stove long-forgotten—she kissed his lips slowly.

"Mmmm." The kiss broke, and he added, "We better get to our dinner before I suggest we skip straight to dessert."

That earned him a snicker and one more quick kiss before they each grabbed a glass of water and moved over to the living room couch with their food.

Five slices of pizza, three loads of folded laundry, and two analyzed bank statements later, they were settled back on the couch in front of something on ESPN. Tony had flicked it on that, naturally, but turned the volume down.

Michelle exhaled tiredly and leaned back into the couch. Tony reached for her arm, "C'mere."

She let herself fall back against him as he began to massage her neck impulsively. "Tired?"

"Yeah, a little."

"How's our baby doing?" He moved a hand down to her belly, and she sat up a little, slouching into the couch. Before she could answer, Tony lifted her t-shirt, revealing her whole bare stomach, and leaned down to plant feather-light kisses across it.

"Tony!" She shriek-giggled at the feel of his lips and five o'clock shadow tickling her skin then rolled her eyes. "I think you like me being pregnant so you have an excuse to kiss my stomach all the time."

"I do like it."

She was three months along and just barely starting to show. Tony had taken up this tummy kissing thing for a while now. He pressed one more kiss right near her belly button before sitting back up and pulling her shirt back down, leaving his hand underneath it and rested on her skin. His hand felt good against it, moving in smooth circles. She was pulled into him again as he kissed her cheek. "Our son needs to know his dad loves him."

Michelle smiled at that. Tony had loved their kid immensely since the day they found out she was pregnant. "Oh, don't worry. I'm sure he knows that pretty well already."

They pulled apart from their embrace and lazily focused on the TV for a few minutes. As she sat with her head rested on Tony's shoulder, her mind wandered off to a region she hadn't been to much yet. Tony was great, and she knew he'd be an excellent dad, but... What if she wasn't a good mom? What if she couldn't do a good job raising a baby? She thought about the fact she hated cooking. There could be other maternal things that she wouldn't be able to handle. It was their son, and she'd be responsible for his life. On top of it all, her home responsibilities were already beginning to pole up. She had so many things to do—cleaning, shopping for household items, et cetera—that she was slacking on. And with the baby it would get worse. What if she couldn't keep up? The thoughts made her release a shaky breath.

"What's wrong?" Tony asked in response, his hand moving up and down her thigh gingerly.

"Nothing," she lied. Her worries were silly. And she knew Tony would just disprove them.

"Michelle."

"I'm fine."

Tony just sighed, "All right." They went through this back and forth often. He wanted to help, assuage whatever bad feelings she was having; she didn't want to talk about it or bother him with it. At least she thought she didn't.

For another minute, Michelle's concerns bounced around in her head, starting to eat at her, and she had to speak. "What if I'm not a good mother?"

"What?" Tony shifted his body to face her

"That's what's wrong. I've been thinking, and what if I'm not a good mom? What if I'm not good at raising a baby? our child?" She looked down, embarrassed at her confession. She would never admit this to anyone—not even herself—but to Tony she would. He was the only one who saw all sides and every part of her. The only one she had ever or could ever open up to completely without hindrance or regret. "I'm scared, Tony."

"Ah, sweetheart." He took her hand in his and used his other to lift her chin, making her eyes meet his. "Look at me."

She met his loving gaze, the one she always found comfort in in these moments. It almost made her forget what she was getting upset about.

"First you're asking me if you're a bad wife and now you're worried about being a good mom… Where's this coming from?"

Michelle shook her head slowly, "I don't know. It's just... I can't cook."

"Honey, you think you're going to be a bad mom because you can't cook?" He let out a single chuckle and looked at her incredulously.

"No. What if there are other things I can't do? Or I just don't know *what* to do?"

"Michelle, baby, it's ok. I'm scared, too."

She blinked and scrunched her forehead slightly. "Really?"

He nodded his head while moving his hand through her hair, brushing it away from her face. "Yeah... I don't know anything about being a parent. And this is our little boy, Michelle. Of course I'm scared. I'm worried about doing it all right."

She nodded her head understandingly, though she was a little surprised to learn this. "But you seem so sure about it. And you're already a good dad. You take care of me and the baby." She paused. "I barely even take care of you."

Tony's brows furrowed, and mild trepidation filled his eyes. "What are you talking about? Sweetheart, what do you think you have to do? First of all, we're in this together. We're going to be ok; it'll all be ok. Secondly, I have no doubt that you'll be a good mother. And you are a good wife."

Sometimes she didn't feel like she was. At least not compared to Tony as a husband. Tony always put her first. He always made sure she was okay and made decisions that were always in her or their best interest. And she never doubted he loved her. Throughout their entire relationship—before, during, and after all their hardships—he made sure she knew that. She didn't always feel like she deserved it. She inherently put her head before her heart, and that didn't always equal giving Tony everything she wanted to give him. At least right away. She wanted to give their son everything he needed and the best life she could. She wanted to give him the very best of her. Always.

She stayed silent, looking down at her only mildly swollen belly, until Tony cupped the back of her neck with his hand and leaned in to kiss her temple. "Michelle, promise me that you realize you are an amazing wife and you're going to be a wonderful mother."

Michelle nodded, only half convinced still.

"Michelle, what was the first thing you did when you found out you were pregnant?"

She thought about it and tried to recall what it was. She remembered calling to make a doctor's appointment, but before that... "I stopped drinking coffee." She had heard that caffeine wasn't good for the baby, and immediately gave up the desperate need for her morning cup when she knew she was pregnant.

"See, right from the start you were putting the baby first and taking care of him. Honey, the fact that you care this much shows how much you love him already. That love is all you really need, and instinct will take care of the rest. Michelle, you're going to be fine."

She nodded sincerely this time, beginning to feel better.

"And when you're not fine, I'll be here for you just like everyday. He'll be taken care of, I promise." He brushed her stomach lightly. "And listen, I want you to tell me if you need help. With housework, errands, baby stuff, anything. A'right? You tell me if things get to be too much for you."

She loved how he could practically read her mind. "Thank you, Tony." She leaned into his lips and gave him a kiss that was laced with gratitude and pure, uninhibited love.

"I love you, Michelle. I hope all this nonsense is just the hormones talking."

She laughed lightly, feeling mentally exhausted from the rising and falling of her emotions. "Maybe."

He rested his hand on her leg again, and turned back toward the TV. After a few minutes of raking her fingers up and down her husband's arm, she felt her concerns were assured enough for lighter fare. She looked at Tony, working her eyes over him, and kissed his lips again, cupping his face with her hand. "Are you still hungry for dessert?"

He smiled into her kiss. "Baby, you know I'm always hungry for dessert."

As their lips continued to mesh desirously and heartbeats quickened, Tony stood, Michelle coming up on her knees to stay locked to him. Gripping the backs of her thighs, he pulled her up, and with her arms around his neck and fingers of one hand tangled in his hair, she wrapped her legs around his waist, never breaking their kiss. And he carried her like that to their bedroom... where they got into all of this in the first place.