Title: Special
Author: DarkWiccan
Rating: M
Summary: All of the children of the world are special. But sometimes, some children are even more special than others.
Disclaimer: Willow and Tara and other characters borrowed from the television show Buffy: the Vampire Slayer are the property of their creator, Joss Whedon, and his affiliates, Mutant Enemy, Warner Brothers and Dark Horse Comics. The characters may not belong to me, but this story does. Please don't plagiarize.
Notes: This story is dedicated to all of the families and caretakers of special people everywhere.
Being a single mom isn't easy. Understatement of the year. Not wanting to be mistaken, I adore my son with all of my heart. It's just that some days…. It's hard. Getting pregnant at nineteen was certainly not on my list of things to do in the grand scheme of my life… but it happened, and faced with the options of abortion, or giving the baby up for adoption, I chose to carry my son to term.
The thought of keeping him had not even entered my mind until he was born. He came out of me, and they laid him on my chest, and I just looked down at this amazing little baby looking back at me with wide and expressive blue eyes and I fell instantly in love. I can still remember the look on the couple's face when I told them that I wouldn't sign the papers releasing him into their custody. I still feel terrible about it. But after all, he is my son…mine… and it was my right to keep him if I wanted to.
My parents weren't happy about it at first, either. But now they wouldn't give up their grandson for the world on a silver platter. Just last year at Chanukah, my mother took me aside and said to me that she was glad that I kept him, and that she and my father couldn't imagine their lives without him. I told her that I felt the same way.
I've tried to maintain as normal a life as possible, even while raising and providing for my son. I've somehow managed to squeeze in a few college courses, while working a full time job and caring for Joshua. That's my son's name, Joshua… Josh for short… or even J.J. sometimes. It depends on his mood… and mine too. He's a good boy, even with the challenges.
My mother was the first to notice. I didn't even realize anything was wrong. I didn't know that by the time a baby reaches six months old, they should be able to sit up on their own, or hold their bottle, or crawl…or even stand a little. I didn't know. But mom knew and she suggested that we take Josh to the doctor for some tests.
He was diagnosed as being mildly mentally retarded, with a possibility of being re-diagnosed as moderately retarded as he got older, depending on the progress of his development. I remember how my heart felt when the pediatrician had uttered those words, it felt like my chest had caved in and my entire world was sucked backwards threw the hole that was now there in the middle of me. I think I almost fainted, because I can remember my mother's arms wrapping tightly around me and holding me in place. I just looked at Joshua, lying on his baby blanket on the floor, clumsily pawing at his rattle and I tried so hard to see the truth in what the doctor had said. I remember thinking, aren't retarded babies ugly, or strange looking? Joshua isn't either, he's a beautiful little boy… how can a beautiful little boy be retarded?
I know it was terrible of me to think that, but I was trying to make sense of the suddenly crazy world that had sprung up around me in the span of four words, "Your son is retarded." When your child is hurt or sick, you just want to kiss them and make it better, but no amount of kisses will ever be able to fix what's wrong with my son. My baby.
Joshua was diagnosed two and a half years ago. He's three years old now and still a beautiful boy, despite his slowness. He is a gem sent from heaven to be a part of my life and he makes everyday even more precious than the last.
I don't see his father anymore. In truth, he walked out of our lives before Joshua was even born. I'm not even sure he knows that I kept our son. He probably assumes that he's with a set of adoptive parents somewhere, if he even thinks about him at all.
His absence doesn't bother me. He was a mistake anyway. The first man I'd ever slept with, and the first time I'd ever slept with him, and I got pregnant. Typical. I only slept with him to try and prove something to myself… to prove that I wasn't gay. I was wrong though, because I am. I mean, I really, really am. It just so happened that in the process of coming to terms with my sexuality, I got a little going away prize.
I love my son. I really do. He is the sweetest being on the face of the earth.
Sometimes it's hard though…from day to day. I don't have many friends, and it's difficult to make new ones. I've had a lot of friendships that start… but come to an end once they realized that, not only do I have a small child, he's a special needs child, and apparently for a lot of people, that's just too much to handle, even just as a friend.
There's a stigma associated with being a young parent. You're sort of treated like you must be stupid, or easy, or irresponsible to get pregnant while you're still a teenager. But let me tell you, I was valedictorian of my high school class, so I am not stupid. I've only ever been with three people, two of which were women, and one of which was a man, so I am not easy. And the fact that I can juggle a job, school and taking care of my beautiful son shows that I am not irresponsible.
What I am is frustrated… and lonely. But I'm hoping that's going to change soon.
I met this amazing woman at the Easter Seals Children's Development Center. It's a specialized daycare center for children like my Josh, who need extra care and attention. I've had Joshua enrolled in their program since he was two, so that I could go to work full-time, instead of having to depend on my parents. J.J. has done so well there, he really thrives in the colorful and warm environment, and all the staff are totally in love with him. Who wouldn't be?
So, this woman, this amazing woman, just started working there last week as a CAS (Children's Activities Supervisor). I remember seeing her for the first time when I dropped Josh off in the morning on Wednesday. She was standing by the front desk telling something to the receptionist, Marci, and she looked up to see who was coming through the door. It was me, of course, gently pulling J.J. along by his hand. He's still getting used to walking on his own, so I try to take things slow.
"And who is this handsome young man," she had said, smiling this beautiful wide smile and walking over to us. Her hair, long and blonde, was pulled back into a ponytail that swished when she walked. She knelt down in front of Josh and looked at him through gorgeous blue eyes that spoke of serenity and patience and love. What can I say, I've always had a thing for blue eyes. Joshua hid his face against my leg, shy of this pretty new stranger.
"His name is Joshua," I announced, proud of him despite myself.
"Joshua Rosenberg?" she clarified, looking up to me. I couldn't help but notice the rainbow beaded necklace resting at the base of her throat.
"That's right," I nodded, trying to hide my happiness at my discovery of her.
"Well, Josh," she smiled, looking back to my son, "you're in my room today. Would you like to come and play with me?"
She waited for J.J. to respond until I finally explained, "He's… he's nonverbal."
"A quiet guy, huh?" she grinned, "well, I like quiet guys… I think they're cute." She touched his cheek lightly with her index finger. Joshua blushed and pushed even harder against my leg, trying to hide. She stood and extended her hand to me, "Hi, I'm Tara, the new CAS for room 302."
"Willow," I replied, shaking her hand. It felt warm and soft in my own. Gentle.
"Would you like to take Josh back to the room?" she asked, "or is he okay with new people?"
"He'll be okay," I assure her, "just take his hand and lead him where you want to go."
I passed Joshua's hand to her and pulled him away from my leg a little so that I could kneel down and look into his eyes. "You be a good boy for Miss Tara, J.J. Mommy will be back to get you later, like always." I kissed his forehead and stood back up.
"He'll be fine," she reassured me.
"I know," I smiled, "He loves it here. He does so well…" My thought drifted off as I found myself caught up in the beauty of her face, the soulfulness of her gaze. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to pull myself out of my thoughts long enough to say, "Well, I have to go. Work is waiting."
"Okay, we'll see you later," she smiled, "Right Josh?"
"Bye, J.J.," I said, giving him a little wave, before turning to go. Over my shoulder I could hear Tara talking to him as she led him down the hall. "We are going to have so much fun today, Joshua. You and me. We're going to paint and make stuff out of play-dough and play pretend with Tonka trucks…." Her voice faded out and I surmised she must have entered the daycare room at the end of the hall.
All day long that day at work I just kept thinking about her. Tara. Such a pretty name. And she was so good with Joshua. I decided right then and there that I was going to get to know this woman better.
When I got off work that night, I bee-lined for Easter Seals. This wasn't anything new. I always rushed to pick up Joshua, finding it difficult to be away from him so long, even after leaving him in such capable hands. But this night, I had another reason to hurry. Depending on what shift the CAS's worked, they got off at different times. Sometimes even as early as 3'o'clock. It was half past four when I got off of work, and I secretly prayed that Tara was a nine to fiver. I wanted to see her again, and see how she was with Josh, after a long day of dealing with the other children and their behaviors. Joshua, thankfully, didn't seem to have too many disruptive behaviors, but I knew that some of the other children in his group could be a handful sometimes. If Tara walked out of that room just as easy-going as she had been when she walked in…the girl was a keeper.
I walked into the lobby of the care center and was surprised to find Tara and J.J. almost as I had left them, in front of the receptionist's desk. She was kneeling down in front of him, playing patty-cake. Joshua was smiling, clearly enjoying this game, even though he missed her hands more often then not. His eye-hand coordination was still very underdeveloped, but bless his little heart, he was trying.
Tara looked up at me and grinned. "Hi, Mom," she said, standing to greet me. "Josh and I were waiting for you."
"You were," I smiled, playing along. I looked to Joshua. "Were you really waiting for me, J.J.?" Joshua clapped his hands together and bounced a little causing himself to go off-balance. I stepped forward to catch him, mother's instinct taking over, but Tara was there instantly, holding him up.
"Whoa, there, cowboy," she said, "Now, I've told you, Joshua, if you want to keep coming back to play, you have to quit drinking so much."
I laughed, unable to suppress my reaction to the humorous comment. She looked at me again, this time keeping Josh's hand in hers so that he wouldn't fall. "His file said that you normally picked him up at this time," she explained, "So I thought I would have him ready for you."
"Thank you," I replied, I don't think my voice could have sounded more sincere. I noticed the backpack slung over her shoulder and asked, "What time do you get off?"
She chuckled a little, the sound rich and throaty in her chest. "Um, twenty minutes ago, actually," she answered, glancing to her watch, "I was going to catch the 4:20 bus, but either I missed it, or it's late. I'll just grab the 5:-"
"I can give you a ride," I offered, cutting her off.
She regarded me for a moment, considering. "Um…no. That's okay. I don't mind the bus and I don't want to inconvenience you."
"It's not an inconvenience," I assured her. I couldn't believe I was being so bold, but something inside of me was driving me to know more about this woman.
"I appreciate that," she smiled, "but I'm new and I'm not sure if there's any sort of policy on clients taking staff home."
"There isn't," I stated. I must have been a little firm about it because she seemed to look at me with quiet shock. "I mean… I've driven Marci home before," I tried to backpedal to seem less desperate. "I don't think it's a problem."
"Well…if you're sure." She still seemed hesitant.
"I'm sure," I nodded, and indicated to Josh, "Besides, the way he's clinging to you I don't think he's ready yet to say goodbye." That seemed to be the closing argument. Tara looked down and smiled at Joshua who was holding tightly to her hand and pant leg.
"Okay," she finally agreed. We started slowly to my car, J.J. keeping his hold on Tara's hand the entire way. I took hold of his other hand, and she and I walked with him between us. It was almost like holding hands with her, and Josh was acting as the conduit.
We finally reached my little white Honda and I opened the doors, putting Joshua in his car seat in the back, while Tara climbed into the front passenger seat. She arrested her movement a little as she sat down, reaching beneath her and pulling up a stuffed animal of Clifford the Big Red Dog.
"I didn't know you had pets," she joked.
"Oh," I smiled, taking it from her. "It's Joshua's favorite. It was mine when I was a kid." I reached into the backseat, offering it to J.J. "Here, honey, you want Cliffy?" He took it eagerly and hugged it tightly to his chest. I smiled and finished buckling him in. After a few more moments, I made it into the driver's seat and started the engine. "Where to?" I asked.
"Um… Baker Street near Owens."
"Really?" I asked. "That's over by our apartment. We live in Palo Verde Heights."
Tara's jaw nearly dropped. "So do I."
"Building 6 number 2145," I related our address.
"Building 8 number 1162," said Tara.
"And you thought you were an inconvenience," I playfully scoffed.
"I guess not."
I pulled out of the parking lot, marveling at the coincidence of it all. We chatted on the way home about this and that. She asked me if I was married and I tried to stifle my laughter at the idea. I pointed out the bracelet on my wrist, a simple band with a pewter pride triangle in the center. I couldn't help but notice her smile at the realization that we had yet another thing in common. I asked her where she had worked before and she said that she had been working in a group home for disabled adults when she realized that she really wanted to work with children instead, which was why she was now at Easter Seals.
When we got to the apartment complex, I pulled up to her building to let her out.
"You could have parked by your place," she said, climbing out from her seat, "after all, we're only two buildings apart."
"I'm not staying," I explained, "I have school tonight, so my mom always watches Joshua."
"Where does your mom live?" she asked.
"Across town," I replied guiltily.
"See, I was an inconvenience," she sighed.
"No! No, not at all," I said hastily. "I usually have to come home to grab some books anyway. It's fine." That was a lie. I always packed my books with me in the morning on days that I had school. But I couldn't have Tara beating herself up over my giving her a ride. "Besides," I said a second later, "I enjoyed the company."
"Me too," she smiled after a moment. She leaned down into doorframe to look at me. "You know, if you want, on nights that you have school, I could keep on eye on Josh for you. That way you wouldn't have to drive all over town."
"I'd like that," I said, my insides secretly jumping for joy. "But only if you let me drive you to and from work everyday so that you don't have to take the bus."
"I'd say that's more than a fair trade for baby-sitting," she surmised with a grin, extending her hand, "It's a deal." I took her hand and we shook on it. "When do I start?"
"Thursday. My mom is expecting him tonight," I answered by way of explanation.
"Thursday it is. I'll see you in the morning?"
"What time do you have to be there?"
"Eight-thirty."
"That's perfect," I agreed, "that's the time I normally drop off J.J. anyway." I dropped the car in to gear. "See you," I said, with a wave.
"See you," she waved back.
I pulled out of the apartment complex, watching Tara in my rearview mirror. I then turned my attention to my son, still in his car seat. "Joshua, do you think Mommy likes Miss Tara?" J.J. clapped his hands again and gave his head one giant nod. "You are a very smart boy," I commended him, turning my eyes once again to the road ahead.
Just like any parent with their child, you have good mornings and rough mornings. It just so happened that Thursday morning, was a rough one. Joshua woke up in a cranky and uncooperative mood. He kept squealing and struggling to get away every time I tried to get him ready to go to daycare. Just because he was nonverbal, didn't mean he was mute. It just meant that he wasn't yet capable of utilizing language as a form of communication.
By the time I had him dressed, had gotten him to eat a little and finally out the door, Tara was already waiting by my car, ready to go.
"Eee…Eee…Eee…Eee," Joshua rhythmically protested in a loud and nasal voice as he pushed against my shoulder trying to get out of my arms.
"Sorry," I apologized, trying to talk over him. "We're having a bad morning."
"It's okay," answered Tara. "Do you need any help?"
"Yeah," I sighed, growing exasperated at J.J.'s continued struggling. "My keys are in my right pocket, would you mind pulling them out and opening the car?"
"Sure," she agreed readily, walking around to my side and reaching into my pants pocket.
"EEE!...EEE!...EEE!...EEE!" Joshua increased the volume of his cries.
"J.J….sweetie…calm down…please," I urged him, "sh…sh… it's okay…we're going to your favorite place. Easter Seals, honey…don't you want to play today?" I was too distracted trying to calm my son down to even begin to enjoy the closeness of Tara to me, the feeling of her hand inside my pocket, brushing over my thigh as she retrieved my keys.
She swiftly unlocked the car and opened the back door so that I could slide Joshua inside and into his car seat. Once sitting, he began rocking forcibly back and forth, making it difficult for me to buckle him in. "Oh, Joshua, c'mon," I groaned, trying to keep him still. I felt the car shake and looked up to Tara coming through the door on the other side so that now all three of us took up the back seat. She gently laid a hand against his sternum and pushed him back up against his seat.
"EEE!", he cried out, not happy with being restrained.
"Hey, now handsome," she smiled, talking to him as I quickly did up the buckles, "you might want to calm down so that you can look good for your girlfriend today."
"EEE!"
"You don't want her to see you acting this way, do you?"
Josh looked ready to let out another wail, when he suddenly seemed to stop and consider Tara's words. He stopped his chanting and his rocking eased up a bit to be less violent then when he had started out.
"I didn't think so," she grinned, and lifted her hand from his chest to touch her finger to his nose. He seemed to ignore her, caught up in his now mild back and forth movements, held in by the straps of his car seat.
She and I both eased out of the backseat and moved to the front of the car. I turned the engine over with a twist of the key and looked at her quizzically, "Girlfriend?"
Tara chuckled and turned her gaze to me, "I noticed yesterday that he and Janine, the little four-year-old girl with downs, seemed to play a lot together. I think they favor each other."
I laughed and put the car into gear, pulling out of the apartment complex. "I've always said my son was a lady-killer," I joked.
"He is," Tara agreed, "I fell in love with him yesterday the first second I saw you walk in with him." I felt myself blush a little at the compliment. "He's precious," she continued on.
"Yeah well… this morning 'precious' isn't exactly the description I would have given him," I stated wryly, glancing at his reflection in my rearview; he continued to rock in his seat, but at least he had quieted down.
"It must be difficult being a single parent so young," she empathized.
"It can be," I admitted, "but I wouldn't trade it for the world."
"I understand," she smiled. "He is a beautiful little boy."
"Thank you," I blushed again.
"Of course, it's easy to see where he gets his looks," she added, gazing at me intently. If my face had flushed any redder it would have been the color of my hair. It took a great deal of self-control not to give into my giddiness at her flirtation. I was beyond pleased to know that she was interested in me.
"Thanks," I finally managed. "You're not too hard on the eyes yourself," I stated boldly. I smiled when I saw the tables had been turned as her cheeks turned slightly pink.
"Thanks," she shyly replied, ducking her head a little. "So, you have school tonight, right?"
"Yes."
"What are you studying?"
I went on to explain that I was pursuing my Bachelor's of Science in Information Technology/Software Engineering. She was suitably impressed, making a comment about how I must be really smart. I told her not really, that I had always had a knack for computers and that it was a field that tended to help you earn a lot of money, which was necessary when having to raise a baby, especially a special needs baby, on your own. She nodded that she understood and could sympathize; she and her brother had been raised by her mom after her parents had gotten divorced when she was ten.
We kept on talking about children and raising them. Tara asked me if J.J. had any specific behavior issues, sighting that his behavior that morning seemed more like a normal tantrum than a regular thing. I agreed that she was right, and explained that Josh hadn't seemed to have developed any significant behaviors yet, and I hoped to try and keep it that way. She mentioned looking into Positive Behavior Supports, and I agreed that it was something I was planning on taking some training in. After a while she fell silent, and I could tell she was trying to find a way to broach a sensitive subject.
"What?" I asked, trying to prod her.
"I was just curious… and you so don't have to answer this question if you don't want to," she pre-empted, "but…is his father involved at all? Do you not get child support?"
"No, his father hasn't been involved since before he was born," I answered freely, going on to tell her the rest of the story. She listened intently and by the time I had finished we were pulling into the parking lot at Easter Seals. I brought the car to a stop and we both stepped out onto the asphalt. She slung her backpack over her shoulder and waited patiently while I pulled Joshua out of his car seat. He had calmed down considerably during the drive and was now just as meek and pleasant as ever.
I walked him over to where Tara stood and she took his free hand, and we entered the building as we had left it the night before, the three of us in a row, holding hands.
Once inside I kissed Josh goodbye and wished Tara luck with her day, affirming that I would be back at four-thirty to pick them both up. I watched her lead J.J. again toward the back room, and once they were out of sight, I turned to go.
I rushed to work, hoping to find my desk swamped with assignments. The more assignments there were, the faster the day would seem to go and the sooner I could get back to Easter Seals to pick up my son and his beautiful new babysitter.
It was 8'o'clock that night and my class was on a fifteen minute break. I had left Josh at home in Tara's capable hands and I couldn't help but smile as I thought about how wonderful she was with him, and how he seemed to have really taken to her after only two days. All this kismet had to mean something, it just had to.
I leafed through a packet that I had received in the mail that day. It was from SNAP (Special Needs Advocate for Parents) a not-for-profit organization that assisted parents of special needs children with ways to increase the effectiveness of their medical insurance company, especially when it came to obtaining authorization for and payment of the care necessary for a disabled child.
Most insurance companies, including my own, tended to baulk at paying for tests and procedures that a normal child usually wouldn't need, but were regular business for a child like my son. Secondary health issues are not uncommon with children diagnosed with MR (Mental Retardation) and Joshua was no exception.
It was discovered when he was a year old that he had a mild heart arrhythmia, and there was a completely unrelated concern that he might develop epilepsy as he grew older. I was becoming a pro at dealing with my reaction to "the look" on J.J.'s doctor's face every time I took him in for a visit.
I used to lie awake at night, wondering what I had done wrong while I was pregnant, or even just after he had been born, to cause my son to have the problems that he does. I thought that maybe it was because I hadn't originally planned on keeping him that I didn't take care of myself well enough, or him, while he was inside me. Or maybe because I was such a young parent I had done something to hurt him when he was still an infant to cause brain damage.
I would tell my fears to my mother, and to the doctor, and they both always said the same thing. That it wasn't my fault, that these things just happen, and that I shouldn't worry myself about it, or beat myself up over it. That I should just focus on what I can do for my son now, and not dwell on what made him this way.
Easier said than done.
I looked up from my reading to see one of my classmates, Kim, standing over me. I sighed inwardly, not wanting to deal with her that night. Kim was a nice lady, in her mid-forties, who was returning to school after growing tired of working secretarial jobs her whole life. She was gay, and she was interested in me, which made things awkward because I was certainly not interested in her. For several reasons, her age for one, not that I have anything against dating older women in theory, it's just that I have never been attracted to anyone outside of my own age group. Another issue was, well, her butch status. And wow, did she take that title seriously, right down to the buzz cut and the Harley. I had always found myself drawn more to softer feminine types, like Tara. I smiled as I thought of her sitting at home with Josh, I glanced at my watch, she was probably putting him down to bed at that very moment. I couldn't wait to get home and see them both.
"Hi, Willow," said Kim, pulling me unwilling from my thoughts.
"Hey, Kim," I acknowledged her politely.
"What're you looking at?" she asked.
"Oh, just some information for my son," I explained. I found it odd that with Joshua, I had the patience of Gandhi, but with this woman, I went from zero to annoyed in less than five seconds. I felt terrible for it; she was only trying to be nice after all, but her motives bothered me.
"For Josh?" she queried, "How is he?" She had "that look" on her face, that look of profound concern and pity. I hated "that look". My son wasn't dying of some deadly disease for chrissake, he was just retarded. There was no reason to start behaving like Sally Struthers on one of those "Save the Children" campaign ads.
I decided to do away with this problem once and for all. "He's fine," I answered sweetly, "he's at home with my girlfriend right now. She's probably busy tucking him in to bed as we speak." I would be lying if I were to say I didn't take some pleasure in watching the color drain out of her face.
"Oh," she said, trying to suppress her shock and disappointment. "Your girlfriend?" I nodded. "I didn't know you had a girlfriend."
"Sure do," I affirmed. Okay, well maybe she wasn't my girlfriend yet. But with any luck, hopefully that would change soon. And even if it didn't, Tara never needed to know about my little white lie, and if she were to somehow found out, I was sure she would at least play along. In my mind, it was a fool proof plan.
"But I thought that Josh stayed with your mom on school nights," Kim questioned, her eyes narrowing a little in suspicion.
I grumbled internally, kicking myself for the one night everyone in the class went out for drinks afterwards and I had ended up telling Kim way too much about my private life. "They take turns," I hastily explicated.
"Oh." It seemed all she could say.
"Alright everyone," said the instructor from the front of the room, "let's go ahead and turn to page 521."
Kim trudged back to her desk and I breathed a deep sigh of relief at knowing that her repeated advances were hopefully, finally, something of the past.
I got home at around 10'o'clock and found Tara watching television on the couch, with Josh curled up fast asleep against her, his head on her leg. She absentmindedly stroked her hand over his back, soothing him even in his dreams.
"Hi," she whispered, looking up to me. "I hope you don't mind. He didn't want to lie down in his room…"
"It's fine," I whispered back, walking around to the front of the sofa and crouching down so that I could gaze at my son's sleeping face. "How was he otherwise?" I asked, running my fingers lightly through his hair.
"Great," she assured me, "he ate all of his dinner and played quietly with his cars here in the living room for most of the evening."
"What did you make for him?" I questioned.
"Spaghetti-O's," she explained, "I found a few cans in the pantry."
I smiled, "Yeah, that's his favorite. I leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead. He shifted a little, nuzzling his face against Tara's thigh. "I should put him to bed," I announced, standing and gently picking him up in my arms and carrying him down the hall and to his room. I set him down on his small bed and pulled the side rail up, so that he wouldn't fall out if he rolled over in his sleep. I pulled the covers up over him, and touched my hand to his head softly and with adoration.
It is impossible to describe what it feels like to love someone so completely and unconditionally. Your every breath is for them, your every thought, your every move, your every motivation; all for them, because without them, your life has no meaning. The meaning of my life, was to love and care for my son, and I did both to the full extent of my being.
Satisfied that his sleep had not been disturbed, I turned to leave Joshua's room, only to find Tara blocking my path by leaning in the doorway. She seemed to be gazing at me with a similar look of adoration to that I gave my son.
"You are a wonderful mother," she said softly and sincerely.
"Thank you," I blushed. "I try to be the best I can be for him."
"You are," she emphasized seriously. I blushed again and ducked my head a little, not used to such compliments. She smiled and stepped aside, out of the doorway, so that I could move past and back down to the hall. She followed behind me and once we were back in the living room, started to pick up her book bag and jacket, preparing to leave.
"Going so soon?" I inquired, the disappointment evident on my face.
"Yeah," she shrugged, "It's late and I'm kind of tired. I just think I'll head home to bed."
"Sitting up with Josh isn't going to be a problem, is it?" I asked, fearful of her answer.
"No, not at all," she quickly assured me, "I just didn't get a lot of sleep last night and I was hoping on catching up on it tonight, that's all."
"Okay…"
"If it was going to be a problem," she went on, "I never would have offered in the first place."
"Alright," I said, believing her. I walked over to the door and opened it for her to go. "I'll see you in the morning?"
"You bet," she nodded, smiling lopsidedly. I felt my heart melt at the sight.
"Well… goodnight," I stated.
"Goodnight," she echoed, stepping through the door to the outside and heading toward the stairs.
I shut the door behind her and leaned up against the wood, my hand still resting on the door knob. I sighed as I thought about how wonderful she was and how I couldn't wait for it to be the next day. A sudden rapping on the door startled me out of my reverie. I opened the door again to find her standing on the other side.
"Forget something, " I asked, trying to understand her reappearance.
"No," she said, followed quickly by, "Yes…sort of…"
"Um…" I was baffled.
"I was just worried…"
"Worried?"
"That this might be too soon," she continued, explaining, "But I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight if I don't…"
"Don't-", I was about to say, "what" when she suddenly stepped forward and placed her hands on either side of my face, drawing me to her, her lips pressing against mine soundly in a kiss. After recovering from the initial shock, I felt myself relax into it, my hands coming up to rest against her back. She didn't venture to deepen anything, and neither did I, content for now just to enjoy the pressure of her lips on mine. After a long moment, she pulled away, our lips parting with a semi-audible pop.
She stepped back out of my arms and gazed at me happily. "So, I'll see you tomorrow…"
"Yeah…" I was at a complete loss for words.
"Night," she said, giving a cute little wave and turning to go.
"Night…" I shut the door again, locking it this time. I pivoted and faced the interior of my apartment. I stood perfectly still, until a sudden wiggle of joy spread through my body, starting at my toes and working its way up to the top of my head. "Yes!" I exclaimed under my breath, not wanting to wake Joshua, and skipped through my apartment, shutting lights off as I went, until I made it into my bedroom and collapsed backwards on my bed with a satisfying plop.
Tomorrow was going to be a wonderful day.
Friday had been a very long day. Work had been slow, making the seconds excruciating as they had ticked by. The worst part about being an administrative assistant was that you had no identity outside of merely being an extension of your boss. Unless of course your boss screwed up on something, and needed a scapegoat, then suddenly you were very much your own person. I sighed and gripped the steering wheel to my car a little more tightly. I was just glad that the day was over. TGIF was certainly not an understatement at that moment.
Despite my exhaustion, I couldn't stop the grin that crept onto my face as I pulled into the care center parking lot. Tara was waiting out in front, holding J.J. in her arms in anticipation of my arrival.
That morning had been a very interesting experience. Instead of waiting for me and Josh down by the car as she had the day before, Tara had showed up on my doorstep just as I was finished feeding my son his breakfast. Joshua still required being spoon fed, so our routine in the morning still took a while to complete.
When I had let her in she immediately went to Josh's side, keeping him entertained while I hurriedly finished getting ready and cleaning up. It was sort of cute really; we didn't exactly know how to behave toward each other after the impromptu kiss the night before. We were almost like a couple of school kids to each other, suddenly bashful and shy, blushing at anything that could even be remotely interpreted as innuendo.
Before I had dropped them off at Easter Seals, I invited Tara to dinner that night with Josh and I. Friday nights we usually went to Shoney's, a sort of end of the week ritual celebration. I thought it would be nice to include Tara in yet another aspect of our life. I was very pleased when she had readily agreed.
We arrived at Shoney's and were quickly seated by one of the back windows. I situated J.J. in the highchair they had provided and pulled a couple of his toy cars out of my purse, placing them on the table top for him to play with. He didn't show an interest at first, but I knew he would eventually. His reactions were usually delayed as result of his condition.
Tara and I chit chatted for a little bit about the day we each had had while I tried to get my son to eat a small portion of tomato soup, and of course we spent a while talking about Joshua (my favorite subject). Finally, our conversation turned to her. As attracted to her as I was, she was still a mystery to me and before I allowed anything serious to develop, I needed to have a better idea of who I was starting to fall for.
I asked her how she had come to work with the intellectually disabled. Tara explained that it had started out as nothing more than a desperate need for work right out of high school. She had been in a hurry to move out on her own, all too aware of the financial burden she was on her mother, but also eager to move west and try new things. Tara related that she was originally from Albuquerque, had spent her entire youth there, but admitted that she never really like the town, and once she had hit eighteen, she was out of there as fast as she could go.
Tara had moved to California with nothing more than a bag full of clothes, a few personal possessions and enough cash in her pocket to buy her a week's worth of nights at a cheap motel. She had applied for every job within walking distance of that motel and had been turned down for everyone, except for the last: an adult care facility.
"They were hiring for client attendants," she explained, "people to work one on one with the individuals living in the home. They had asked me if I had an issue working with intellectually disabled people. I said no. Then they asked me if I had issues with toileting, and I said no. I remember thinking to myself, why are they concerned with me being able to use the bathroom?"
I nearly spewed my iced tea across the table at her comment, finding it absolutely hysterical.
"Well," she went on, "I realized when I started work the very next day that 'toileting' actually meant assisting others with going to the bathroom. I was mortified. I almost walked out."
I understood where she was coming from; I couldn't imagine helping a grown man, disabled or not, use the restroom.
"But I really needed the money," Tara admitted, "I only had enough left to get me through two more days at the motel, and that was only if I didn't buy anything to eat. I had to find an apartment right away, and I could only do that if I had a job. So I kept it. At the time Palo Verde was running a special where the first month was free and no deposit was required if you had a job and could verify your employment."
"They do that sometimes," I confirmed.
"So I moved in, got a bus schedule and the rest is history," she concluded.
"So you worked in the group home for…" I drifted off, hoping she would fill in the blank.
"Four years," she replied, seeming to marvel at the number herself.
"And you just decided one day that you wanted to work with kids instead?"
"Pretty much," she shrugged, "it all really started with Blondie the Therapy Dog."
"Oh, I love Blondie," I interjected, "her trainer sometimes brings her to visit the kids at Easter Seals." Blondie was a lovable German Shepard that had been trained as, among other things, a therapy dog. She frequently visited hospitals and other facilities where people couldn't necessarily keep pets of their own."
"I know," Tara smiled, "she also visits the group homes. During one of her visits, I started talking to her trainer and we ended up having a great conversation. I asked her if she wanted to join me for lunch, and she said she couldn't because she had to take Blondie to visit the kids at Easter Seals."
"And suddenly your interest was sparked," I grinned flirtatiously.
"Yeah," Tara nodded, her cheeks turning a little pink under my gaze. "So… um… I had heard of Easter Seals, but I wasn't exactly sure what kind of services they provided. So I asked Charlene, Blondie's trainer, and when she said they dealt with MR kids something just clicked inside me and I knew that's what I wanted to do."
"So it's like your calling," I suggested.
"More like… my accidental calling," she chuckled. "I never lay awake at night in my bed dreaming that one day I would work with special needs kids."
"What did you dream of instead?" I asked.
Her expression became wistful for a moment as she recollected childhood dreams. "A painter," she said, a sad smile caressing her face. "I always dreamed I'd be some famous painter living the bohemian lifestyle in Greenwich Village, painting provocative and shocking paintings of nudes in watercolors."
"You still can," I encouraged her.
"Maybe…" she said, letting the word hang mid-air.
We fell silent for a few moments. I returned my attention to my salad, pecking at a few neglected croutons. I looked up from my munching and noticed Tara staring intently at my son in his seat. She seemed to be paying particular attention to the movements of his hands. Curious to know what she found so fascinating, I began looking at him as well.
Joshua was playing with his cars. Or at least, he was trying to. He would stare at them intently before reaching out an unsteady hand and grasping at them, usually missing. I was used to the behavior. I had always attributed it to his mental slowness and arrested development. But the look on Tara's face suggested it might be more. I became very concerned.
"What is it?" I asked, worry evident in my voice.
Tara pulled her attention away from Josh and looked at me, letting out a breath as if she was trying to find the right words to say. "I've been meaning to ask you," she began, "exactly what kind of diagnosis your doctor gave Josh. His file at work just says mild MR."
"That's all it is," I responded, trying to do my best to keep my defensiveness regarding Joshua at bay.
"Remember how I was playing patty-cake with him the other day when you came to pick him up?" she asked. I nodded. "Well, I was doing that for a reason. I had noticed earlier that day that he seemed to have a lot of trouble with his eye/hand coordination, so I was playing patty-cake to see if it was as bad as it seemed."
"Please tell me what you are trying to say," I stated firmly. When it came to the welfare of my son, I absolutely did not put up with people beating around the bush.
"The general inability for him to stand on his own, the poor eye/hand coordination, the slight tremors in his hands," she listed off the symptoms she had recorded. "Willow," she said seriously, "I think Josh may have a form of cerebral palsy."
"Don't say that, "I said, dropping my fork in shock.
"I could be wrong," Tara admitted quickly, "I'm not a nurse or anything like that. But I've worked with a lot of people with it and… I think you should at least get him tested."
"He doesn't have cerebral palsy," I countered, "cerebral palsy is usually diagnosed by six months old. Josh was only diagnosed with MR. If he had…that… they would have known back when he was originally tested."
"Okay, okay," she soothed, putting her hands up in surrender. "I was just pointing out what I had noticed. I wasn't trying to upset you."
I suddenly felt terrible for my behavior, it was clear that she was only trying to help. She really seemed to care a lot for Joshua, and here I was punishing her for her concern. "I know," I acquiesced, "I'm sorry. I just get sort of… crazy… sometimes when it comes to Josh."
"I understand," Tara replied. I could tell that she really did.
"You ready to get out of here?" I asked, noting that neither one of us had seemed interested in our food for a while.
"Sure," she said. I paid our check and we left to head home.
And so began one of the most amazing nights of my life.