What the Heart Deserves
More Dearka/Miriallia fluff. This time set between GS and GSD; they've been broken up for a little while (because apparently, the writers of GSD hate shippers with a burning passion...and Cagalli apparently, given how she transforms into a whimpering, hypocritical little shrew in it).
**~The PLANTs, One Year post War~**
"They say that everything feels somewhat synthetic on the PLANTs. That you can tell, if you lean into it, and if you've been to earth, that none of this is really real. ...I wonder if anyone who's ever said that has seen the snowfall around here."
Miriallia snapped a picture of the snow and ice covered park, before taking a deep breath of cool air and smiling slightly. The icicles hanging from the trees looked like an art project, elaborate and delicate. Lights from nearby buildings reflected off them, casting brilliant multicoloured light across the snow and gravel. It was a beautiful sight, really – maybe part of it was set up ahead of time, but it didn't really matter. She took a few extra pictures, these ones to keep for herself, separate from her job. She looked up at the artificial sky; snow fell down and touched her nose, causing her to sneeze and smile lightly. Nope, that felt just as real as when she tried to catch snowflakes on her tongue when she was a little girl in Orb.
"It's beautiful up here...now I'm wondering if I should see the rest of the PLANTs too...maybe one of them is in the Autumn or Spring cycle. If this looks this good..."
It was a somewhat idle thought – while her job was well paying, it was a starter and she didn't have the funds to go on a worldwide (well, space wide) sightseeing trip without baking from the boss just yet. Not unless she got something really good for the magazines. Though given what she was seeing out here...that shouldn't be too hard.
Reviewing the pictures, and deciding that she was satisfied with them, Miriallia started to walk again, down the road towards the centre of town in this particular sector of the colony. The streets were bustling with people; it was drawing close to Christmas and festivity was in the air. Families and lovebirds entered and exited shops, talking excitedly about the games and jewellery they were going to give as presents, or they hoped they would receive from their parents/loved ones (significant looks from girls to boys were hard to miss). For all the temperature, the atmosphere felt warm with human energy. And to think this place had nearly been blown into oblivion twelve months ago...looking around, it seemed to have happened an eternity ago, with everyone here having forgotten.
Miriallia slipped her camera into her hand bag, rubbing her hands together. She wondered what it would have been like for Tolle to see this place. If he would have walked down these roads with her, throwing snowballs, complimenting her and pointing out things he thought she might have liked.
Somehow...somehow the thought didn't give her nearly as much pain as it used to...the loss had settled down to a sad twinge. She hadn't forgotten Tolle...not at all. But she could think about him now without images of what-could-have-been haunting her for the rest of the day and into her dreams. And the worst part of it was she had an inkling why...
She and Tolle...they had never gotten past the puppy love stage. The excitement of a first kiss, a first date, the sheer possibilities and energy that flooded an initial relationship. They had never told each other their regrets or fears; in fact they had deliberately steered the conversation elsewhere whenever something uncomfortable came up. Oh, Tolle had been a lovely gentleman to her, all the time...but they wouldn't have lasted. If the war hadn't happened, they probably would have broken up in a few months.
Of course, that didn't eliminate the possibility that, in time, they could have turned it into more – and Miriallia was still devastated that his death had ripped that possibility away. But the knowledge that their relationship hadn't been what she thought it was, if possible, made her feel worse...
...if only because thinking about that always and inevitably made her think of him.
He had seen her at her worst...and she had seen him at his weakest, his most vulnerable. He had let her see him that way, because he almost seemed to trust her with it, even when they were technically enemies. That night in the cell...she never forgot it...in fact, she was thinking of him more and more and more recently.
"It wasn't me..." He had sounded genuinely relieved, that it hadn't been him who'd done this to her and Tolle, of that at least, he had been innocent. "...What's wrong? Might as well get to it if you're here to kill me." He'd offered her another chance to kill him, then and there...she'd asked him why, some time afterwards...
He responded that, in that moment, he'd never felt more ashamed of who he was, and what he had done...he'd lost his sense of righteous anger, leaving behind guilt and confusion and sadness. And when she refused to take it, apologizing for attacking him...he'd felt worse, for a while. Then, he wanted to know her better...
She'd had no idea she had that kind of affect on him, at first. And after that...
Miriallia shook her head, closing her eyes. She had gotten to know him...she spoke to him in the brig every other day. She'd told herself all sorts of fanciful excuses – Sai and the others are distracted by grief, I don't want to talk to the officers and get pat, cut and dry rehearsed pity, somebody has to take him his food and the last thing we need is another Flay. The truth didn't stare her in the face until that moment...another moment she'd never, ever forget.
The twin blazes of green light, shooting by her window, blasting those skygraspers into dust. "Archangel. I'll cover you. Fall back!"
She remembered her heart freezing. Then coming back to life, blazing, burning with relief and joy. He had come back. Why had he come back?
He hadn't been forthright with his answer when she first asked; contemplated returning to Carpentaria for a moment after the battle for Orb. They didn't answer each other...for the very same reason, as it turned out.
Miriallia sighed, her breath billowing around her face. She remembered that day...walking down the hallway, after the battle at Mendel, only to find him sitting alone, staring forlornly at his hands. The sight had broke her fucking heart right in half; here was this cheerful, loyal, brave and ultimately good man; not facing the world with a grin as he had so many times before, but quiet and broken down.
**~Flashback~**
"Dearka?"
His head snapped up at her voice, muted surprise in his violet eyes. She took in a sharp breath; the usual spark, that undeterred spirit of his was gone from those eyes. Never had he lost it before, not when he was alone and tied up in an enemy infirmary, not when he had been moved to a cell in the brig. Not after an exhausting and loosing battle at Orb. Not when he was going into further insane battles. But now it was gone, and it was so wrong for it to be gone.
She walked over to him and sat down next to him. When he didn't make some crack about how she was finally deigning to notice his existence, the wave of concern grew even stronger. "Dearka? Did something happen out there?"
He thought about it for a second, before letting out a long sigh. "It's...it's not important, Miriallia."
"The hell it isn't." She snapped, reaching out and putting her hands on top of his. He sucked in a sharp breath and looked her in the eyes, unsure of what to make of this. "I've never seen you like this..."
"You've only known me for two months," He pointed out.
"Long enough to notice that you always dare the world to do its worst – never being broken by what its thrown at you. You've always been strong...up until now. What. Happened?"
"You think I'm strong?" He wondered aloud, gazing back at her. She frowned at first, not pleased that she was being redirected, but he kept looking at her like that...differently than before. "Yzak prefers the term 'arrogant jackass'."
She shook her head to the negative, her hands gently squeezing his. "No. Well...you're a little arrogant, but you kind of earned it. A weak person...wouldn't have lasted this long. A weak person couldn't have left ZAFT, to help a bunch of strangers who used to be enemies to try to do the right thing. A weak person wouldn't have been able to take on both the Earth Alliance and the Supreme Council. No...Dearka, you're very strong. Which is why I don't get this..." She ran her thumb over the back of his hand.
"Mir..." He sounded kind of stunned, completely forgetting that she had asked him not to use her nickname, and there was something else in his eyes when he looked at her. Something that made her bold, caused her to move closer to him.
"Dearka, talk to me." Somewhere in the back of her mind, a little voice was screaming at her to stop. Why was she being so tender with him, so soon after Tolle died?! "Please." Her grip on his hands tightened a bit.
He stared at her for a few more seconds, before his eyes softened and closed. "I...one of the mobile suits we ran into inside the colony was the Duel. The pilot is Yzak; Yzak Joule...he's one of – no, he's my best friend." He tensed up after saying that, jaw clenching.
She raised one hand and began tracing circles on his back; dimly she realized she could feel his well developed muscles under her fingers as she soothed him. He was truly something to behold; possessing the sort of attractiveness that made most girls swoon even before they knew anything about him.
"Did he attack you?"
"Yeah...he didn't know it was me at first...but I told him, at about the halfway point. I...I don't know what I thought was gonna happen. It was stupid. But we left the suits and met each other...and he pulled a gun on me."
Dearka let out a rasping chuckle utterly devoid of his usual ironic humor. "My best friend, was ready to kill me...asked me why I'd betrayed him. I didn't...I wasn't even sure how to explain it to him. That we weren't justified in everything? That Naturals, they don't all deserve to die...and I couldn't obey orders to kill them all anymore. I don't think he really understood..."
"Oh, Dearka..."
Her hand came to a stop on his shoulder, and acting purely on her feelings she found herself pulling him into a hug, holding him against her chest and resting her head against his. She heard him gasp, and she wondered if she had made a mistake...His strong arms embraced her, wiping that thought, and any other she had in that moment, away in an instant...she held him there, gently rubbing circles on his back, as he breathed heavily and shakily, soaking in their intimacy as comfort. She marveled at how nice it felt like this, how neither of them were without support, how she felt secure leaning against him.
"It will be alright...he probably wasn't going to understand right away...he hasn't seen us the way you have, has he? I bet, to him, Naturals are still a faceless enemy..." She pulled back a bit and murmured into his ear, "Just give him more time to think about it...and when this is all over, you two can have a proper talk. Right? Sadness and anger cloud everyone's judgment...once he's calm, he'll understand..."
He looked up at her, violet eyes glimmering with a few unshed tears... He managed to laugh again, and the sound caused a smile to break across her face. "Yzak? Calm? There's a few things you need to know about this guy, Mir..."
"He's got a temper?" She giggled.
"That, is an understatement that would make any British proud," he drawled, grinning back at her. She laughed harder, and then he was smiling again. Her chest suddenly felt light and warm, in a way she'd never experienced before...
It happened just after their laughter died down...she wasn't sure who leaned forward first, him or her, but his lips caught hers and suddenly the room exploded.
**~End flashback~**
Miriallia felt warmth rush to her cheeks; she raised one cool hand and touched her lips. She remembered it all so clearly; they had collapsed to the floor and she had kissed him until her lips were raw. She couldn't say for certain how far along it would have gone if Sai and Miss Ramius hadn't walked in on them about fifteen minutes later. It had felt so good... It wasn't until she was alone back at her bunk and her hand brushed against a picture of her classmates from Heliopolis – including Tolle – that she really registered what she had done.
She should have regretted it...Tolle had died so recently...but she didn't. She had enjoyed it...and she had wanted more. That made her feel both better and worse.
They hadn't kissed again until after the Jachin battle...remembering that caused her to flinch and stop walking, pressing one hand against her chest. The sheer, heart stopping terror of seeing the Buster inches from being blasted apart by Providence had very nearly driven her to a panic attack, which didn't abate even after the Duel (Yzak's machine – she had been right about him, she was pleased to discover) rescued him. She hadn't snapped out of it until she ran to his hospital bed and hugged him, sobbing. He had kissed her on the forehead at first, just to calm her down...then she kissed him, strongly and without reservation.
That war had come so close to claiming both men she loved.
It was when the war was over, her nightmares, some unwelcome guilting from Tolle's grief-stricken mother, and the fact that he lived primarily in the PLANTs that caused her to put the relationship on hold. Miriallia, these days, felt torn between feeling like a complete idiot, and wondering if she had made the right call.
Sighing, she started walking again. I guess it's inevitable that being here makes me think of him...this is his home colony, too. She shook her head. No, don't get your hopes up Mir. He's probably busy...
Miriallia turned the corner into what seemed to be the local time square. Wow, I really wandered off. At least my job for today is done. What time is it? She glanced at her watch. Six...well, that's not bad time. The train probably won't be too crowded. Though I wonder-
A familiar sounding chuckle broke through the low hum of the street. Miriallia nearly dropped her camera upon hearing it; she turned around and stared across to the far side of the plaza.
There he was. Dearka Elsman. Seeing him, realizing it really was him – that she wasn't imagining him on the street corner, like she had a few times when initially arriving here – took her breath away. He'd changed jackets since she'd last seen him; a black trench coat swept down to his ankles, giving him a mysterious look that highlighted his still-very handsome features. If anything, he looked even more devastating than Mir remembered, which she hadn't thought was possible.
Unfortunately, he wasn't alone. Some overly energetic girl with red hair – her appearance and movement reminded Miriallia very strongly of Flay during her insanity period on board the Archangel – was dragging him along, pointing into shops. Dearka's body language was subdued and somewhat aggravated, but nevertheless he was following her.
A thousand thoughts crashed through Miriallia's mind at the sight; part of her wanted to leave, to forget she had seen him, but she found herself taking a few steps towards him instead.
The pair were standing in front of a video shop...Dearka was looking at the television, trying to tune out his companion's ramblings, when he saw something – or rather, someone – reflected in the glass. "What..?" He turned around, looked over his shoulder...and saw her. "Mir?"
the redhead heard him, and scowled. "The natural? Humph!"
Mir froze as sure as if she'd been carved in stone when the redhead abruptly grabbed Dearka's shoulders and kissed him. Suddenly she felt like she was suffocating – a horrible pain struck her chest like a knife and engulfed her senses. Turning around, she fled back down the streets; not hearing the following thud, angry curse, and footsteps right behind her.
**Line Break**
If she wasn't lost before, she was now. Mir skidded to a halt at a less crowded street corner, sides heaving as she tried to catch her breath. Cold tears formed at the edges of her eyes. "Stupid." She whispered to herself. "Stupid. What were you expecting?"
"Mir!"
Miriallia let out a haggard gasp; her head spun from lack of oxygen and she staggered against a nearby tree. A steady hand grabbed her shoulder and turned her around; she found herself staring back into Dearka's brilliant violet eyes. He was breathing heavily too; had he run after her? "Wait, damn it!" He exclaimed, his grip tightening slightly. "Wait, please."
"D...Dearka?"
"I..." He glanced nervously over his shoulder. "I can explain that, I swear."
"Explain..." Miriallia looked blankly at him, her mind cycling uselessly a few times before she figured out what he meant by that. "What...why would you have to explain anything to me? How...how would that be fair?"
"I don't really know her," Dearka went on, as if she hadn't said anything. "It was dad's idea; the old man's obsessed with traditions like the engagement laws. I...I can't believe you're here – when did -?"
"F-For a job," Miriallia managed, taking a couple calming breaths. His hands felt warm through her coat; she shivered and smiled hesitantly at him. "Yeah...I'm here."
He gave her a borderline anxious look. "And, you're not mad."
"Maybe." That sight had burned her – hurt her worse than she could have imagined. It made it abundantly obvious to her that her feelings for him had gone absolutely nowhere, and she was still utterly and hopelessly in love. She had wanted to go forward and drag away the brat who dared to touch her Dearkalike that. However, it was her own fault and she knew it. "I mean, no, I'm not – I -" She locked her hands together. "It...it wasn't really my business..."
Dearka stared at her for a second, then put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her a little closer – not close enough that she was leaning against him, but close enough that she could feel his breath. "Then why did you run?"
"I..." She hung her head in defeat. Dearka was more perceptive than people gave him credit for – he always knew when she wasn't telling him something. "I didn't...I didn't want to see you with someone else. It's stupid and selfish but it's true."
"Huh..." The words hung in the air for a moment...and then, Dearka had the nerve to smile at her. "Would you hit me if I said I was glad to hear that?"
A spark burst in her chest – he was very good at getting those sorts of reactions out of her. She raised one hand threateningly, prompting him to grab it and laugh. Suddenly it wasn't just the temperature giving her a chill; she could feel her cheeks burning. "Damn you," She mumbled.
"You're welcome," He responded with an arrogant grin, making it clear he was teasing her on purpose. She glared at him for a second, before she realized she felt a grin tugging at her lips.
"Hey, have you eaten?"
"Wha?"
"Dinner. You know. If you eat that sort of thing." He raised an eyebrow at her, his smile becoming a little more subdued. When no immediate rejection came, he continued, "I know a few good places around here. How about something exotic for your first real visit?"
"I..." She looked around. Oh, why the hell not? She had nothing else to do, and she never really liked eating alone. "Alright."
He chuckled, took her arm and started leading her down the street. "You got lost, didn't you."
"My mind was elsewhere."
"On me?"
Yes, but she wasn't about to admit it. "On whether or not there was enough room on the sidewalk for me, you and your ego." She retorted.
"Low blow, Mir." He said, faux hurt. "Low blow. And to think I'm paying for dinner."
Her eyes widened slightly. "You are? But Dearka...you don't have to-" He glanced at her and grinned, causing her heart to jump.
"Don't worry about it. I've got it covered."
**~One Hour Later~**
"...So I finally ask him why he's been giving lessons – him, giving lessons, I swear to god I am not making that up – and he starts talking about this new kid in the academy. Well, not so much talking as ranting, and not for the reasons I was expecting. He called this boy 'an impulsive, insubordinate maverick' just seconds before stridently adding that he's 'one of the most brilliant fighters I've met. Untrained, untamed – but brilliant'."
"You're kidding!" Mir said, disbelief mixed with amusement. "Yzak Joule, praising a newcomer? He's taken a protege? Who even is this kid, that he can pull that off?"
"Asuka, Yzak called him during the rant. Shinn Asuka, I think." Dearka recalled. "Which is funny, because I'm pretty sure I heard several instructors using very similar terms to describe Yzak himself back when we were in the academy." He grinned. "Not that I'm crazy enough to say that to his face."
Mir laughed in response, before taking another bite of her chicken. Dearka had brought her to one of the up town restaurants after a fifteen minute walk, and paid for the whole thing just as he'd promised. It was far more than she would have meant for him to spend on her, but she couldn't resist in the end. The building itself was very charming, painted red and gold and styled after a late autumn forest. While there were electric lights, it was customary for them to be switched for candles in the late evening. It lent a very romantic atmosphere, which she was torn between trying to ignore, and acknowledging.
Dearka, she had to admit, was being a lovely host. He was polite to the waiters, told her a little history about the building, and then started asking questions about what she'd been up to – and telling her a few interesting things that had been going on at the PLANTs, which is how they ended up on this topic. It was natural and fluid and it honestly made her forget that they'd been apart for a few months.
"I admit I never imagined Yzak as a teacher." She commented.
"He usually isn't," Dearka agreed cheerfully; knowing that Yzak would glare at him or try to hit him for talking about this. The silver haired boy didn't understand that it just encouraged his friend. "But there's something about this Asuka kid that's got his attention – not like that, though that would be interesting – and Yzak doesn't believe in doing anything by halves."
The dark skinned blonde chuckled and took another drink of red wine. "I wonder if that kid has any idea what's in store for him...Yzak finished up his rant by saying, 'Asuka is going to leave the academy tempered, loyal, and able to act through his anger, if it's the last fucking thing I do'."
"That poor boy," Mir agreed solemnly. While she wasn't as close to him as Dearka or Athrun, she knew Yzak was very relentless. "Have you taught anything at the academy?"
"Me? Oh hell no," Dearka smirked, "I think the upper brass are well and truly terrified at the idea; they'd been badgering Yzak for a while before Asuka showed up on his radar, but never said anything to me."
"Can't imagine why," Mir said dryly, smiling when he laughed in agreement. I missed this, she thought. He's so good at getting under people's skin that some of them never realize how charming he can be.
"But anyway...what's going on with you? Photography, huh? Is that a temporary gig, or have you found a steady employer?" His violet eyes seemed to look straight into her, honest in their curiosity...she felt her cheeks warm slightly. God, I'm a sap...
"Yes, and no, to both. It's somewhere in the middle, I think – it's taken a while to really get noticed, and I've been running between two different magazines for a while now. At least one of them said they were impressed with my latest work, which is how I ended up with a ticket here. It's kept me kinda busy, but I think things should slow down once I've finished this up."
"Do you go into the office, or is most of it online?"
"Online. It's more convenient that way; since the work comes from all over the place. I'm really glad to be honest; I remembered you telling me once about the seasonal artistry in the PLANTs, but it looks more amazing than I could have imagined."
"Really?" Dearka gave her a small, soft smile.
Her heart skipped a beat, she knew how comparatively uncommon that look was; sometimes it was as if he saved it just for her. She settled for nodding and smiling a bit. I'll never know how you do this to me so easily. "It makes me want to see the other cycles."
"We can do that," Dearka suggested; he seemed so pleased at the opportunity. "I'm on shore leave, and I know which colonies are cycling. It'll be easier for you to get around if you're with me."
"R-Really? Y-you can just drop everything and go somewhere with me?"
"Sure."
"I..." It was amazing she wasn't getting a stroke, her face felt so hot. "I don't know what to say. I...I thought you might...I..."
This seemed to sober him a bit; his expression became a bit more serious...but it was still warm, welcome and open. "No, Mir. I know why you did what you did. I was kind of expecting it, to be honest...it's still been just a year since that guy died."
Mir blinked and stared at Dearka; while he hadn't said Tolle's name he mentioned him completely without emphasis or anger. He was staring sympathetically at her. "I didn't know a whole lot about real love until I met you, Mir. You changed my whole world...I gave you my heart that day on the Archangel and you still have it. But when you love someone, their happiness is more important than anything. I knew you were grieving, and confused...still in shock when the war finally ended. I hated seeing you like that, Mir, and I could see it – especially during the treaty leave at Orb. You needed time to think, to sort out everything you felt...and at the time you needed that more than anything."
"I..." He had gone and rendered her totally speechless. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she wondered if this was how he felt when she'd done to same to him.
Dearka smiled. "Mir, I don't mind waiting for you. I think you're worth it. I...I will always accept whatever makes you happiest."
"D-Dearka..." She whispered, her breath catching in her throat. After a moment of frozen hesitation, she reached across the table and placed her hand on his, just like she had back then. "Thank you...thank you so much."
"Ah. It's nothing."
Tears burned at the edges of her eyes. I can't believe...how lucky I am. Do I even deserve you? "It doesn't feel like nothing to me."
**~Later~**
"Hey Mir. Wake up."
"Mmm?"
"You dozed off. This is your stop, isn't it?"
Miriallia raised her head from Dearka's shoulder and blinked a few times until the station screen came into focus. She'd been so emotionally mixed up after dinner that she ended up falling asleep on the train back to the residential block where her apartment was. He had one arm around her waist and was smiling teasingly at her. "You wouldn't want to get lost again."
"Ha ha," She retorted as they got off and exited. The station was cool and there was snow blowing in from the open tracks; the neon lights gave it a very ethereal look.
Dearka let go of her and turned her around; they were standing near the stairway somewhat off to the side so they could talk. "So I'll see you tomorrow? The cheapest transfer jets leave mid morning."
Mir nodded; she'd taken him up on the offer to see the rest of the PLANTs. Briefly she'd wondered what it might be like to leave here year round...perhaps it warranted further investigation. Not that she was going to tell him that just yet. "Yeah."
Dearka's eyes took on the same soft quality as they had from that night in the infirmary. "I'm glad I ran into you, Mir. Sleep well."
"You too," She whispered.
She turned and started to leave...before pausing. Then she spun around, tackled him in a hug and kissed him. He froze for a second before responding in kind, closing his eyes and whispering, "I love you," against her lips.
End Chapter
Aww. I hope you all enjoyed that. The mention of Yzak and Shinn is a call forward for a two/three short I'm working on right now with that very concept at its core. Be sure to look out for it!
Read and Review please!