Three Kingdoms: The Kingdom of Temen-Ni-Gru

by Marc Hautser

Obadiah wants to end his life. The mere mortal, after slogging on through 22 years of journeying, has no one. His family is dead. His town hates him. And his cat ran away. Just as he is about to do the deed, a royal messenger appears. He soon finds himself blackmailed by the very king he despises into going to the land of demons with two young undead knights. (30 yrs before DS2)

'Ello! My name is Marc Hautser the Author (Nice lil' ring to it, right?), and I would like to give you a little prep for reading this story. It comes from vast research of items, lore, and locations of Dark Souls II, and might seem a little niche if you head in unprepared. My story is set about 30 or so years before the events of Dark Souls II, and there are a lot of references to various lands and lore that is in the game. I suggest watching DaveControl's marvelous lore video on Mirrah, Lindeldt, and Melfia along with Forossa, Volgen, Jugo, and Lanafir. Avoid the main lore video if you don't want spoilers but watch these. If you want to fly blind, it might be a little more fun because I'll ease you into the topics and mystery of it all! The actiony shit is coming, and I promise it'll get funnier and less depressing, but first, we gotta get to the story!

-Your Friendly Neighborhood Author

For a few months, I enjoyed it. I really did. Questing around like some no-name, slaying monsters and soldiers, looting and pillaging cities. It was a rush. It slowly devolved into madness. I began to loathe it, but it ate into my soul. Even in the midst of battle, when my armor welded into my skin and my wounds were tearing my flesh apart, I needed it. I craved it. It was an addiction, a way to cope with loss and sadness. But there was a shining light. In that depressing wharf town, Majula, all I had was my brother. My sweet, stupid brother. I had to trade turns with my mother taking care of him. He was the only one that was worth it. His laughs kept me going. His conversations forced me to climb mountains and defeat gods. My heart, my weapons, my loot, they all wore out before my goddamned brother.

He died at the age of about 50 years. I loved him dearly, but he wasn't my brother. My father and I found him while fishing, wandering across the land with dirt caked on his clothes and tears streaming down his eyes. He was always slow of the brain, and we never knew why. It was a mystery, until we found a patch of rotting flesh on the small of his back.

Years of treatment and special education, scavenging for souls and coins, was useless. He was helpless. He was a cursed undead. Hollowing from the moment we met him, we were helpless. We barely paid the bills, and eventually, we started to slowly waste away. After my father died, we had no money left. We lost our home to the damned King Vendrick. He only seemed to care about his own people and that puerile, corrupt merchant's-town, Volgen, where he was probably bedding harlots and trading with . Living in a small, cramped, shack, eating rice and potatoes with herb sauce was our way of life. Mother struggled with the bills, I couldn't hold a job because of my inexperience, and my brother couldn't do shit, of course. It all changed when I stole those tools from the blacksmith's shop.

I trudged on to that puerile land to the east, Volgen. I was ashamed, but I got paid. 17,900 Souls and 7 coins were funneled my way if I retrieved a pair of engraved gold bricks. I traveled east to the sweltering land of Jugo, battled through hordes of corrosive ants, hardened mercenaries, and roaming hollows. The bricks were small, but the green engravements were absolutely glowing. I sliced a chunk off of them to sell for myself, and drew off on my horse. It seemed silly and ridiculous that I got paid so much for gold that could fit in my hand, but sure enough, I found 15,00 souls and 5 coins on my doorstep as I was departing to my shack.

We lived nicely, but I was frequently duped and we lost everything one too many times, so I took matters into my own hands. I became a traveler. I went to the farthest lands, fought the most exotic beasts, and pulled in the most valuable loot not for me or my well-being, but my family.

Now, I don't have any family. My mother quietly passed away within the throws of a disease. My brother... My brother was slower than usual. He couldn't even speak. I had to bathe him, until I realized that half of his body was covered with rotting green flesh, scabs and wounds littered across his skin. His heart was slowing down. He was going hollow.

I grabbed one of my old swords and stabbed him in the heart. Even after I cremated him, I can still hear thumps and screams from the coffin.

I have no one. Even my cat ran away. All my friends are dead, disfigured, or were abandoned. King Vendrick was beggining a skirmish with the giants, and I was vocal against it. The town of Majula hated me. I went on one last quest, though. The first one that I truly loved in 22 years. Even though I was a mere mortal, any fatal blow killing me, I lasted this long. I lived to burn my vast properties littered across the countries. No asshole was going to mooch off my land. Every house I had, every chest I collected was burned. I forgot all the debts that I owed and the ones that I collected. I burned my money, too. And I guess I should have learned pyromancy from the demon-land Melfia.

I'm going to burn myself.

I had the firebomb. I had the match. I had the fuse. My last belongings, my shack, my favorite sword, shield, and armor, and a few lifegems, were all going to burn. I was done. I wanted to go before I grew old and stupid. This is Obadiah of Majula, and my life is going to end.

I prepared the fire, and I was about to-*knock* *knock* What the hell? Who would knock on my goddamndoor?

"Um, hello, is this Obadiah of Majula?"

I had no choice. "No, it isn't! Screw off, cunt!"

The door burst open.

"WATCH YOUR TONGUE, WORTHLESS PEASANT! Oh, I'm very sorry. Please, I have no need for your foul mouth today. I am high messenger Cholegarth of Vendrick's royal knights, and his majesty has a mission for you."

Oh, Kremmel, I should burn this royal asshole in here with me before I ever serve Vendrick.

Chodegarth *hehe* wasn't done, though.

"Look, I hate your traitorous scum as much as you hate His Majesty, but you are still useful. We've heard tales of your awe-inducing adventures. You've climbed mountains. Toppled kingdoms. King Vendrick is starting to mistrust the giants, and you are a mere mortal. You're expendable."

I thought of this. "I don't do stupid shit like that anymore, Chodegarth. My family is gone."

Chodegarth retaliated, "Ahem, it's CHO-LEH-GARTH. Get it right or I will discipline you fie-"

"Ooooh, what are you going to do, Chodegarth? Spank the shit out of me?"

"As I was saying, we've heard words of your latest quest. burning all your property? That was a ballsy move, considering we raided your houses and stole your equipment-"

"Goddamit, if that loot falls into the wrong hands, bad things will happen to you!"

"That's our offer. We can't threaten you with death, as I can see you are extremely depressed now, but-"

"But you will risk the safety of the eleven lands just to get me to come on your stupid royal force?"

"In a sense, yes, but we are not putting you on the royal guard. Your brash peasantry-Ahem, style of fighting will be better suited for a quest."

"Oh, great, do I have to fetch some gold or some shit? Sure."

"No. You have to topple the two kingdoms."

"What kingdoms?" I was inquisitive.

"The demonic land of Temen-Ni-Gru, located westward of Melfia, is rising its warriors up against the holy Drangleic, and we need you to quell their rage."

"So, after that?"

"If you survive,"

"I'm sorry, what?" This guy was scaring me.

"If you survive, we will not put your weapons on the market and you have to move on to the next quest."

"What happens if I don't?"

"We take the weapons for ourselves and then we use them for our war."

Oh, kremmel. These jackasses will ruin the kingdom if I die.

I made an important decision, a decision that was going to change the fate of Drangleic.

"No."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"You will not take my equipment, I will not go on this stupid quest, and I sure as hell WON'T TAKE A BREAK COMMITTING SUCIDE JUST TO APPEASE YOUR STUPID GODDAMN KING AND HELP HIM WIN A WAR AGINST PEACEFUL GIANTS!"

Chodegarth was taken aback. It worked. Then he slapped me.

"Your stupid peasant ass will submit to Vendrick's rule!"

Lil' Chodey's slap didn't hurt that much, but I did feel a little prick on my cheek-SHIT.

I knew it. Holy shit, my line of sight was already getting blurry.

"I'm sorry, Obadiah, but worst came to worst..."

"Oh, you devious little fu-"

Chodegarth caught me before everything went black.