A/N: This is the result of me writing at 3AM. You have been warned.
There weren't a great many things that Han Solo kept a secret from his wife; in fact, as he paused momentarily outside the door of the room in which he'd agreed to meet the others, he stretched his mind to its fullest capacity and found no memory of an occurrence that he hadn't shared with Leia. Resting his hand on the old-fashioned doorknob in front of him, he sucked in a deep breath. There was always a first time for everything.
Han glanced down at the two babies he'd carefully balanced in the nook of his other arm.
He then decided there was also a last time for everything.
"Are you going to just stand out there all night, or actually come in and join us?" a female voice complained from the other side of the door, its owner no doubt somehow sensing his presence. It was a bitter, sarcastic tone that could only belong to—
"Mara," Han greeted her with a little less than a sneer as she whipped open the door. "Lovely evening, isn't it?"
"Exquisite," she shot back, her green eyes flashing as she grabbed his upper arm and yanked him inside. Once she'd taken a peek to make sure no one had followed him and that the door was closed and tightly secured by several locking mechanisms, she ushered him through the lounge of the old, once-Imperial suite. "What took you so long?"
"Oh, you know. The usual." Han's voice took on a casual tone. "Just saving the galaxy from impending doom. I take it everyone else is here," he added, his eyes surveying the new scene that greeted him as the pair entered the master bedroom.
Mara was completely prepared with a snarky comeback, but managed to refrain herself as she caught sight of the group in attendance. Luke sat cross-legged on the carpeted floor in front of the bed, leaning against it for support as he talked to Artoo in what seemed to be an attempt at a soothing tone. Chewbacca and Threepio stood in front of the wardrobe, clearly arguing over some sort of minute detail, while Talon Karrde and Lando were passed out on opposite ends of the bed and Khabarakh remained fascinated by examining the bedposts.
"Ah, there you are," Luke said, looking up and smiling at his approaching companions as they entered the premises. "I trust the sarcasm didn't get too out of control?" Han and Mara were known for having vicious, cynical tendencies, especially when put together under tempting circumstances.
"And I trusted Chewie not to steal my favorite piece of fuchsia shimmersilk," Han growled, glaring at the Wookiee before looking around the room and making a point to meet everyone's gaze. "Many times. Unfortunately, we don't always get what we want."
Chewbacca let out a soft urf-urf-urf of scornful laughter. In Han's left arm, Jaina whimpered, unsure of what to make of her father's erratic behavior.
"…Right," Luke said slowly, trying to ignore the fact that his brother-in-law had a pink piece of women's clothing lying around somewhere. "Anyway, we'd better get this thing done and out of the way. It's getting late; the others might become suspicious."
"Not to mention it's past this one's bedtime," Lando mumbled, raising an otherwise unconscious arm and jabbing a caramel finger at his own chest.
He was ignored.
Across from him, Karrde shifted into a sitting position and rubbed his eyelids. "So, what's the plan?"
Luke lifted up his left hand, moved his fingers slightly, and the door to the wardrobe slid open. A costume consisting of immense amounts of dark brown mottled fur was Force-thrown the smuggler's way. "That."
"Okay," the man said, nodding at the heap in his lap.
"Everyone else," Luke said, his voice extending to each corner of the room, "In position."
Hastily, but not necessarily silently, each individual shuffled over to his or her designated area of the bedroom. Artoo wheeled himself to the very front, letting out a few whistles of impatience.
Han couldn't help but grin as he temporarily set the twins down on the edge of the bed. "This is going to be great," he said. "It'll be all over the Holo Net in days. Just wait till Mon Mothma feasts her elderly eyes on this delicious hunk of gluteus maximus!" As if his exclamation needed emphasis, he reached down to enthusiastically slap his lower backside.
Everyone finished his or her preparations, refusing to acknowledge Han's awkward outburst—except for Khabarakh, who paused and observed his own buttocks with slight jealousy. "Is the track ready?" Luke asked his astromech droid, double-checking to make sure the holo recording was intact. "And your holo cam?"
Artoo beeped an affirmative.
"On my mark," Mara said, readying herself. It was decided that she would have the job of initiating the dance. Her voice, edged with its usual confidence and control, took Luke's place as the room's main attraction. "Three… two… one."
Artoo started the track and his holo cam simultaneously, and soon the beginning lyrics were pouring out from his system. Con los terroristas…
Mara sidled up to Luke, who was casually reading the contents of a data pad, and began her performance. The song started building up to the bass drop, and right before it reached its climax, the door to the Coruscanti suite abruptly burst open.
"I KNEW IT!" Leia Organa Solo roared, her sienna eyes widening angrily as she observed the scene. Her long brown hair was half-pulled out of its bun and thoroughly tangled, no doubt a result of it being run through constantly by her fingers with rage. "Just what the kriff do you think you're doing?!"
"Relax, sweetheart," Han tried to coax her, his tongue suddenly dry. "It was just a little fun—"
"I don't believe you!" she bellowed. "Going behind my back to participate in some sort of popular Holo Net dance? And dragging Jaina and Jacen into it too?" Her perfectly manicured hands clenched themselves into fists as she turned to take on her brother and his companion. "And you! I wouldn't consider the emotions rolling off you two to be entirely appropriate!"
Luke stepped away from where Mara had been making thrusting motions in his direction, his cheeks quickly assuming the color of her hair. "I…"
Leia didn't let him finish. "KARRDE!" she thundered. "Is that my brother's priceless bantha costume?!"
"Ah—um." The middle-aged man swallowed. "Possibly."
"URRGH!" Organa Solo huffed, breathing in and out rapidly. A dead silence settled over the room as everyone watched her try to control her anger. She stalked over to Mara, grabbed the woman's belt, and pried it off of her. Dumping its contents onto the floor, she stomped across the room to snatch the twins from Han's surprised grasp. Everyone stared as she strapped the babies onto the belt and then laced it around her head, fastening the buckle just below her chin.
"What're you waiting for?" she snarled, Jacen and Jaina perched with questionable security atop her hair. "Are we gonna play the track and record this again, or what?"
Han's face split into his famous lopsided grin, and Luke felt his own body unstiffen. Mara returned to her position and nodded a cue to Artoo. This time, the intro was executed perfectly, and the bass drop was performed with even better precision.
At the climax, Luke and Mara lined up their bodies and made a wild grinding motion to the fast beat. Han turned his back to the camera and swung his "gluteus maximus" back and forth, not hesitating to give it the occasional smack. Karrde and Lando climbed into the bantha costume and shook back and forth rapidly on a stack of pillows. Khabarakh leaped from one bedpost to the other, and, well, as for Threepio…
"Put me down!" the desperate droid pleaded, his voice nearly drowned out by the loud rhythm of the bass emitting from Artoo's subwoofers. Chewbacca ignored the gold-plated protocol droid's pleas for mercy, continuing to hold him like a baby and tip him this way and that as he spun in a circle.
Leia launched each of her feet out from under her, making her hands and legs co-op in a sort of scissor movement. When the twins fell, she used the Force to catch and, eventually, juggle them. At the 30-second mark of the song, everyone jumped as high as they could in the air. Artoo shut off the recording and his camera, and the group collapsed into a tangled heap.
"That was fantastic," Lando breathed from somewhere beneath the furry mass of bantha and Talon Karrde.
Nobody had to look over to see the smirk plastered across Han's face; they could easily hear it in his voice. "I have to admit, Princess, you scared me there for a second," he said, and Leia let out a soft chuckle.
"We made a pretty good team there, Mar-Mar," Luke told Mara Jade, reaching out to slide his hands around her hips.
"Whatever you say, Sky Guy," she retorted, peeling his arms off of her and standing up.
"Sky Guy," Luke echoed, grinning and standing up as well. He reached down, collected a few of Mara's fallen possessions, and offered them to her, his crystal eyes shining mischievously. "I like that."
"In that case," Mara grunted, yanking her belt off Leia, snapping and sliding things back into place, and then roping it around her waist, "Get used to never hearing it." In her signature catlike way, she made her hastily graceful departure.
Luke's eyes followed her figure as she disappeared down the hallway, his voice now taking on a saddened tone. "Was it something I said…?"
Han walked over and rested a comforting hand on Luke's shoulder. His lips pressed themselves into a thin line. "She's probably still shaken up about Wayland."
"Or your fuchsia shimmersilk," Karrde mumbled, almost inaudibly.
Leia released her Force-hold on the twins, and they plummeted softly into her waiting arms. She glanced from her husband, to Karrde, and back to Han again. "What was that?"