Whoo. It's been a long time since I've sat down and seriously written something. It's overwhelming gratifying to be back.
This little piece is something I wrote in the midst of dealing with the news of Paget's impending departure from the show. Make no mistake, I stand behind her 100%, because she deserves to do what makes her happy, and if that's not with Criminal Minds then I understand. But it still hurts, because Paget is such a talented actress, and Emily Prentiss is such a strong character, and both will be deeply missed. And the fact that no one knows how it's going to go down is killing me, so this was my way of justifying Prentiss' decision to leave to team.
Disclaimer: I own nothing
I must go, I must leave this place
I have somewhere to go
I have a new road to follow
I must go, and though I wish I could stay
There is something beyond what I see
I must go.
-"I Must Go," Last Tuesday
Sometimes, all that's left is goodbye.
Emily Prentiss knows this better than anyone. Her whole life is just one big change, one move to another, and not just in a literal sense. Somewhere, in the midst of her childhood, she learned that there is no permanence in life, only a punctuated equilibrium, and no matter how hard she tries to settle down, how much she wants to have something constant in her life, she knows now that it can never be.
Solitude, to her, was not something that was sought out; it just naturally comes to her. She's found some friends along the way, tried to hold onto their companionship, just to feel what it's like to have that kind of love, that kind of trust. And it feels good. To know that somebody loves her, accepts her for who she is, is so welcome after a life of never being in one place long enough to maintain that friendship that she's so desperately craved. It's a warmth that doesn't compare to anything she's ever felt, and every part of her needs to hold onto it and never let go.
But it can never be, and she knows it.
It is simply not who she is. She's not like Morgan, who seems to be able to relate to every single person he ever meets, or Reid, with his youthful naivety and mindless rambling. She isn't like JJ, with her motherly persona, or Hotch, with his ability to be a parent and still care about those around him. She's no Rossi, with his infinite wisdom, or Garcia, with her everlasting, bubbly personality. She's just Emily, and somewhere, deep down, she thinks she's always known that.
It's never really been a question of what she has and hasn't wanted. She's wanted a lot of things in her life, and not wanted even more, but it's never been about that. No, it's always been a matter of what she can and can't have. When she was younger, she wanted a puppy, but her mother said they couldn't because it would be too hard to take care of because of the life they lived. When she was a little older, she wanted to settle down somewhere, to see what it was like to live in one place for more than a year, but it proved impossible, because she was on the tops of everyone's lists, and there always seemed to be a new task for her to complete.
And now, when she so desperately wants to stay, to hold onto her team, her friends, her family, for just a little bit longer, she knows that she can't.
There's a long lists of reasons why; she knows, because they've become her mantra. She's spent countless hours debating herself, preparing for the inevitable protests when she finally finds the strength to hand in her resignation papers. And she knows that they will not let her go without a fight, because in the years that she's worked with them, she's been able to decide one thing about them: they will never give up on something they believe in.
She knows that this is going to hurt them; they've already lost her once, and somehow she knows that it's going to be so much worse the second time around. At least last time she'd known that maybe someday she'd be able to come back, and she had JJ to keep her company. This time, if she walks out that door, she's all too aware that it will slam shut behind her. There will be no going back once she takes that final step: no more BAU, no more team.
And she's accepted that.
Whenever she needs to convince herself, she tells herself that the only real reason she hasn't left before now is because she knows the pain her departure will leave them with. It's what's kept her up for the last few months, stopped her from signing the papers and leaving without taking another look back. Because she knows that she will look back, and when she does, she will see the destruction that has been left her wake.
She's been telling herself that she's scared for them. Scared that Reid might actually succumb to his addiction this time, that Morgan might lose himself and feel to blame again. JJ and Hotch will have to let her go for real this time, and Rossi won't be able to convince himself that she might come back one day. And Garcia, strong, accepting, and having dealt with loss all her life, will be forced to let yet another person she cares about walk away.
This is what she's told herself. That these fears for her team are the only reason she has for staying. And it's true, this has been a very effective way of convincing herself not to leave, and every concern she has is genuine. But really, she knows that the real reason is that she's scared for herself.
Over the years, Emily has been called just about everything a person could think of, and even a few others when people decided to get creative. But the ones that have stuck with her along the way are the ones she knows her team sees: strong, loyal, selfless. They've seen her look death in this face without so much as blinking, and then watched her walk away as though nothing had happened. This is the Emily Prentiss they know; the unwavering one that cannot be brought down. The Emily Prentiss that she knows, and that she's managed to keep hidden from the rest of the team, is not this same woman. None of them have ever truly been able to see how vulnerable she is, especially around her team.
That is why, if she's willing to look deep within herself, she can say without a doubt that the real reason she's stayed for so long is for herself. This team has become her family, this job has become her life, and every moment since her birth has led to who she is today, for better or for worse. It's not something that she feels quite ready to let go of. There's a safety in this life that goes beyond the guns and self defense training; it's the consistency in the love and the friendship she has been given, and the helping hands that have always kept her from straying off the path.
And that is why she knows she must leave. It's not that she doesn't think she'll be able to depend on the team; she knows that any one of them would throw themselves in front of her and take a bullet, or a knife, or any other weapon an unsub might be wielding. It's herself. She's become too settled into this life, and settling is just not something Emily Prentiss does.
She once told Reid that while she was gone, he mourned the loss of a friend, where she had mourned six. She stands by what she said then, just as she stands by what she says now. It's time for her to go. It's not something that she really wants, but it's what she knows is right, and listening to her heart has never led her astray before. For this reason, she knows that soon she will find herself giving farewells and turning in her gun. And even though it hurts her more than anything she's ever had to do, it's something that she has to do, and she knows better than to argue.
Sometimes, there are pieces that can be picked up and pieced back together. If one tries hard enough, they might be able to find something to hold onto, to keep a relationship together. Sometimes there are second chances, where things can find a new beginning and new opportunities to make things right. And sometimes…
Sometimes all that's left is goodbye.
And though I feel like I'm losing myself as I fear leaving all this behind me And I will not forget you, I could not forget you
I will not, I will not lose my faith as I go
For my fears will be vanished in time
And I know that I will be fine.
Even though I cannot be by your side
But life's course has brought us to this place, tomorrow we must embrace
And seek joy in this bittersweet goodbye.
-"I Must Go," Last Tuesday