TERRIBLE THINGS

Part 1.

As the brothers walk away from Max Banes, sitting alone, shocked, tears frozen on his cheeks Dean thinks back to the times he'd been in his exact shoes. Times when he didn't want words, or comfort...when no amount of friends or goodwill would do anything for him. He lost the one thing that meant everything to him and he needed to be alone. He needed to be alone to figure out how to fix it.

Dean didn't believe for one second that the powerful witch twin would do nothing to bring his other half back.

But still he walked away. Still he allowed Sam to pull him gently back towards the car, because really...no one could stop Dean from saving Sam. Those who had tried before to stop him from saving Sam he'd hated and he'd turned away from them, and he wouldn't do that to Max. He wouldn't expect of that kid what he himself would never, ever even be capable of doing.

He wonders if Sam suspects the same thing he does...wonders if his ever gracious and compassionate brother suspects what he himself is sure of. Wonders if that's why Sam pulls him away...that the younger Winchester can't stop Max either...because he'd do that and so, so much worse to bring Dean back to him.

God forgive him, but that warms Dean through and through.

He stands frozen in front of Baby looking through her, mind far away. All the pain he'd witnessed tonight, he can feel it seeping through his skin and his mind and into his body and his heart and soul. Max holding his mother's body. The anguish on Sam's face mirroring his own; that hell of losing a parent that they knew all too well.

And then god, those broken sobs echoing through that house as Max held Alicia's cooling corpse to him and Sam's face, he's reliving the pain of losing Dean time and time again, guilty and pale staring at Dean, eyes locked on to him because HE'S ALIVE. And it's the same for Dean, god the guilt he feels, reaching out and finding Sam's jacket to feel the warmth and gentle firmness of his skin and the blood pumping alive and well underneath...

"I'm here." Sam simply says, somewhere close behind him, Dean feels his breath on the tip of his ear and he shivers all the way down his spine. "I'm alright."

And Dean feels the answering hand wrapped like a vice around his wrist. And everything inside him tightens up even more. This is wrong, he tells himself, they aren't even out of Max's line of sight and they reaching to each other for comfort...they hadn't lost anything tonight.

But he'd shot that witch. He'd taken that choice from Max...he'd killed their mom. And he tells himself he did the right thing, saved Max's soul, saved him from that terrible fate of torture and distortion of everything good and right about him...but really; did Dean Winchester have any right making those kinds of decisions for anyone?

He jerks away from Sam, and his little brother makes a kind of choked out hurt noise that cuts Dean down to his soul, "Dean." He pleads in a whisper.

Dean tears himself away from his brother, has to put space between them...god the guilt, the burning conflict inside him. The memories mixed up and brought back to life, the pain, the death...hell, its all at the forefront of his mind...and Sam. Sam cold and dead in his arms, on the dirty mattress, disappearing into hell, feeding his precious blood to Crowley and his red eyes spilling over and weeping for the wrong he'd done his brother.

And Dean had fixed it...he'd fixed it every time. He'd been selfish, had turned his back on any consequences, on anyone that could've been hurt because of it. He watches Max head back inside and he's watching himself and he can feel his stomach twisting and cramping, can feel his mind fraying and breaking, his soul feeling Sam's absence...and it hurts everything hurts and he's insane. He's insane with it, it and the loneliness.

Fingers in his hair, hands rubbing over his head roughly and down his face, mouth open to allow his gasping breaths he feels the cool air grating over his lungs and the burning cold is grounding. Above the sky is clear with the cool air, the stars brighter and twinkling, the breeze plays over his skin and his soul sighs with it and Sam's nearness...peace.

But his conscience wars against it...his heart bleeds for the young man inside who had lost his entire family. He feels Sam hovering close, can feel his conflicted emotions a lot like his over their bond. Wants to reach out and comfort him, wants to reassure him that Alicia's death isn't his fault like he's sure Sam is thinking, wants to let him know I'm here, I'm alive, I'm never leaving you...

But he can't, he won't let himself. They don't deserve that right now, not when they know what Max is going through just a few yards away.

He wraps his arms around himself tightly, and he can't even tell if it's to keep Sam at bay or to hold himself from flying apart into a thousand shattered, confused pieces.

...

Sam envisions his brother a lot like an inestimable body of water. He can feel Dean, conflicted and disturbed like great crashing waves on the giant lake that makes up his brother. It's how Sam thinks in order to be there for his older sibling, how he reaches out to Dean when he's upset. He's been precariously sailing in a small boat over the angry expanse of water that is Dean for years now and true, sometimes he's scared...but more often than not all it takes is a few words, a couple of touches and everything calms.

Watching Max mourn over his mother had been one of the most poignantly painful things Sam had felt in a while...then, then Alicia. Even now he covers his mouth with his hands, breathes into them, can smell her blood smeared into his skin. And Max's face, his cries, the loneliness and desperation there...god, Sam knows that all too intimately.

He knows it, he's felt it and he's lived it; and Sam had wanted to die. He'd done terrible, terrible, terrible things to bring Dean back to him, selfish things that had hurt people...and he didn't regret it, he'd never regretted it. What kind of person does that make him? He's not exactly sure because honestly, he doesn't know himself unless he's seeing Sam Winchester through Dean's eyes.

Dean reaches for him, and god forgive him for sighing with relief and comfort...he didn't deserve Dean right now, not when Alicia is cold and dead inside and Max is going to her, going to her to say goodbye...

Say goodbye, he latches onto Dean's wrist swears he's not letting go...wonders how many times he's come so close to being in Max's shoes, thinks about all the times he has been there. And he's purposes in his heart he's not feeling guilty about this, this he earned, this Dean earned. They fought skin, tooth and nail every day to have and keep each other and Sam's not feeling bad about that...he's not letting that go.

"I'm here, I'm alive." He assures his big brother.

Sam's watching the side of Dean's face he can see, his expression is passive but Sam knows from the pulsing of his jaw that Dean is a mess inside. Conflicted and guilty working through everything and more of what Sam's gone through...he can only imagine what talk of crossroad deals does to Dean when he knows what it does to him.

It coils and cuts inside him, fills him with dread and worry even now. Makes him reach out to Dean, makes him hold on inexcusably tight. He feels like something inside his dies as Dean all but tears himself away "Dean," he whispers brokenly, and Sam can see it...those waters that make up Dean's soul; dark and thrashing. A wild storm wrecking him inside waiting...waiting for Sam to come and calm it.

Dean walks away from him hands in his hair, breaths coming out fast and Sam has seen it before...when too much happens, when Dean's overwhelmed he starts to blame himself. Because that makes sense right? It must be Dean's fault somehow. And Sam only understands because it happens within himself all the time. They're supposed to save everyone right? Anything else isn't good enough.

He unconsciously follows Dean every footstep that his older brother takes away from him, and when he sees Dean's eyes seeking out the night sky for comfort and stability, something Dean isn't even aware he does Sam thinks that in all the horror that has taken place over the last few hours if it cracks Dean open and lets Sam peer inside his bruised and breaking heart this might be a godsend. He feels dirty for thinking it.

But Dean was closing him out. After Cas and the tension ever rising between them, their mother and the British men of letters Dean was shutting down. Going into his 'trust no one EVER' mode and Sam can't have that. Thinks he won't survive that again. Even if Dean does it to protect Sam from himself.

And Sam know whatever goes down, whatever happens to them...one eternal truth remains; his soul's very cry I need you. It's to Dean, for Dean, only ever Dean...and he stopped being ashamed and guilty about it a long time ago.

They do terrible things all the time to save each other and Sam reconciled himself with that a long time ago, realized that was one thing inside he and his brother that nothing, not even themselves, can change. He doesn't hang his head, he doesn't regret or feel guilt, he clenches his jaw and juts his chin out like Dean taught him and he tightens his grip on his sibling.

Now in front of him Dean is crumbling in on himself, trying so hard not too. Arms wrapped around himself as a last attempt at defense, he slides down Baby and hits the ground hard huddled against her tire. And Sam is there on his knees in the dirt next to him hands on him again, latched onto his forearms where they're wrapped around himself.

"Hey," he says softly. And Dean looks at him, green eyes sparkling with the stars, and the pain there and the fear he's reliving hits Sam hard in the gut...he realizing Dean's stuck in their past, feeling his pain over and over again. Sam's deaths, hell, his own deaths, their parent's deaths, he's feeling the failure, the guilt, the love and the loss, he's lost in his own raging sea; the sea that Sam imagines Dean's insides are made up of...the sea that only Sam can control.

"Hey," he says again, reaches out a hand and cups the side of his brother's neck, feels his pulse there calming himself, their skin touching grounding them both. "I'm right here, not going anywhere..."

Dean's hand mirrors his own, clumsily comes up to rest against his neck, his fingers tangled in the long hairs at the back of Sam's head, but his eyes are on the upstairs bedroom window. The window of the room where they'd left Alicia lying dead and Dean's eyes are filled with wetness, swimming and glistening in the dark.

"I don't deserve you." Is all Sam catches, the words broken and whispered...devastated. And the hand on his neck tightens his other hand fisted in the lapel of his coat, Sam watches Dean's eyes unfocused and faraway and he's starting to recognize this as more of a panic attack and a bout of PTSD than anything. Reliving the thousands of hells that had made up their lives. And Dean's hands tighten on him, trapped in the past, holding onto Sam as he's torn away from him in his mind's eye.

"Dean!" He urges shaking him, his voice betraying the fear and dread in his voice, "Come back to me, brother, it's just in your head. I'm here, I'm here with you De." He pulls Dean into his chest and his older brother simply slumps into him, his eyes glazed over, looking into the night sky over his shoulder, shudders shaking his body causing his teeth to chatter.

Sam's heart stutters with fear as he holds Dean close, feels desperate tears burning his eyes. His hands fist in the back of his brother's coat pushing their upper bodies undeniably close, hoping his very warmth and 'aliveness' will bring Dean back to him.

He buries his mouth and nose in the shoulder of Dean's coat, allows himself to push into Dean's warmth and presence too, breathes in that familiar smell of safety and happiness. They'd gone through so much, experienced so much pain and darkness to be together right now; they deserved it.

How does he make Dean see it though?

"Dean?" He mumbles into his brother's coat, doesn't wait for an answer, wasn't expecting one. "We deserve this, we deserve it. We worked for it, we earned it."

He gets no reaction, Dean is still in his arms his breaths too fast, his heart racing, his hands desperately tight on Sam to the point of pain. Sam pulls back just as hard, the grip smarting the tips of his fingers as he whispers to Dean. Whispers all the ways they deserve to be together, whispers all the ways Dean had brought them back to each other, all the pain he'd gone through to get Sam back all those times.

He whispers for what feels like forever, but he knows it's only a few minutes. He does something terrible. He does it to save Dean from his dark memories, to bring his big brother back to him the only way he knows how...to really, honestly need him. He does something terrible; Sam Winchester is selfish.

"I deserve you." He says softly, but firmly, smeared into Dean's shoulder like it's too precious for anything or anyone else to hear the confession. "I deserve you, so come back, come back to me."

He holds his breath, feeling part ways guilty over the selfish words already, waiting for Dean. Because Dean has never denied him anything, he's always been there when Sam needed him. So he shakes Dean again, scared and desperate tears about to spill down his cheeks as he envisions Max watching Alicia's body burn...something he himself had never done, could never do, would never do.

You don't deserve this, his very soul objects for his brother as he feels Dean tremble against him, as he gasps softly at something he's seeing trapped inside his own head. You are good and kind and you'll never hear me say you deserve anything less. Come back to me.

...tbc

Thanks for reading! More coming soon, REVIEW!?

Loved this episode! The comparisons between the twins and the Winchester's killed me. The way the boys obviously felt their pain as their own was so powerful. Jared and Jensen amazed me once again in this episode, like wow.