Oblivion

by laurapreponfan

A/U - A one-shot mini-vignette of the first time Alex and Piper met and how there lives go afterwards. I suck at making summaries but you can maybe give this a try and read. :) (May become a multi-chapter depending on your reaction)

"Of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been."

– John Greenleaf Whittier

-o-o-o-

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters. I wish, but that's all I get.

Heat surges down your throat as you drink your fourth shot of vodka tonight. But it's not yet enough, you thought. You need something stronger, something to drown out all the noise around you, the noise inside your head. You need something to numb yourself from everything you're feeling right now. So you stand up, and walk towards the bar, amidst the swarm of people you pass along the way.

But you're stopped on your tracks as somebody decides to add up to the irritation that's already bugging you since you came in here today. It's a guy, noticeably shorter than you, because you're tall, something that's always noticed, something that's always worked on your part. And you use that to your advantage now as you tower over this lame excuse of a guy who's trying, but failing epically, to flirt with you.

"Hey babe, wanna dance with me?"

You roll your eyes as you look at him, "No," you answer lazily, conveying how much waste of a time it is to talk to him.

But he's persistent, and he follows you as you walk on. "Come on, you know you do." You choose to ignore him this time and continue to walk. "One dance, so you would know what you would have missed if you didn't," he kept saying.

And that's all it took for you to snap, that's how irritated you are tonight. You're usually cool whatever it is that's happening. But not tonight. Everything is fucked up and you're exhausted and you just want to not be bothered and this guy is not helping so you face him, look down on him. "Listen, you dumbass. I don't want to dance with you. I don't want to speak to you. And I don't want to be anywhere near you so back the fuck off me!" You push him as hard as you can, and maybe it was his drunkenness or he's just really pathetically weak like that, and he falls on his back, garnering the attention of everyone oblivious to what was going on just seconds ago. You don't bother looking back at him as he curses you at the top of his lungs as you're finally able to reach the bar.

You're just about to order when you hear a voice beside you, beating you to it.

"One Long Island."

Surprised at the softness of the voice ordering such a strong drink, you immediately snap your head to your side to look at the owner of that voice. And there stood a woman with long blonde hair, cascading down her shoulders, wearing a silky peach top and faded jeans that hugged her legs perfectly. Her hair was obscuring her face and you don't know where the desire to see her face is coming from but you decide that you need to do something about that.

"Planning to get drunk, are we?" You ask as she takes a seat just beside you.

She looks at you, a little unsure if you're talking to her or not, and at that moment, you forget that you're pissed, you forget that you're supposed to be not feeling anything tonight, because you're suddenly faced with the most beautiful woman you have ever had the privilege of meeting. She looks so innocent, with those Bambi eyes, cute little nose, and oh so gorgeous lips, that you suddenly wonder what on earth she's doing at a place like this.

"Were you talking to me?" she asks, with her eyebrows raised, but a small tug of her lips upwards gives away the fact that something she likes is currently happening.

You chuckle as you look over her shoulder. "No, I was actually talking to him."

She looks behind her and sees an old, bald guy, talking to himself. She then looks back at you, looking embarrassed, because of course you're talking to her. "Right," she's smiling this time, showing her perfect set of teeth, as she nods her head. The bartender then slides her drink to her and she notices that you're still looking at her, looking nothing like you're planning to get anything for yourself. "Did you come here to stare at strangers or you're planning to get drunk, too?"

She snaps you right out of your thoughts and you almost jump at the surprise. She chuckles at you as she takes a sip from her drink and you silently curse yourself for being this affected by someone you've only met minutes ago. But it doesn't even take you two seconds before you're back to your normal self and you answer back. "Depends. What do you think seems more fun?" And you stare at her, so intensely you see her shy away from that stare, blood filling her cheeks as she blushes and tries to hide her face from you.

"I think both would be as fun as the other," she says as she drinks again, and this time it's more than a sip, giving you the impression that she really is trying to get drunk.

"Skull puncher," you say to the bartender. You see the blonde look up at you in surprise, and you add to the bartender, "oh and lit it up." You look back at her, and she raises her eyebrows, as if asking for an explanation for the drink. "Actually trying to get drunk, too." You explain as you take the seat next to her.

"Oh," is the only thing that comes out of her mouth before the phone she's currently clutching makes a sound. She looks at it and you notice how she tenses as she clutches the phone even tighter. She then turns off the phone as she puts it inside her purse, suddenly looking so sullen.

You then wonder who has elicited that reaction from her and you suddenly feel like strangling that someone.

Jesus.

For a while, she doesn't do anything but stare at her drink and you get the impression like she is about to cry. But maybe she remembers that you're there so she looks back at you, fakes a smile, and shrugs her shoulders. "Ex-boyfriend," she says, as if reading your mind. She keeps nodding like she's convincing herself that she is okay. But she isn't. She is pretty transparent.

Then you shake your head, annoyed that you're acting as if you already know her. You don't. And you're gonna do something about that.

She then takes another drink and you suddenly worry because you know that if she keeps this up, she's going to be wasted in no time. But a part of you is also excited at the thought of her letting go of the calmness that she's currently exuding and her innocence that's engulfing your whole physical existence right at the moment.

"Who are you?" she asks.

You're surprised by the straight forwardness of the question but you hide it from her. So you answer right away. "I'm Alex Vause." You open your mouth to say something because you can't let her control the conversation but she beats you to it, again.

"And what do you do, Alex? Aside from staring at strangers in bars and trying to get drunk while doing so?"

You chuckle, not at the absurdity of the question, but at how utterly curious she looks waiting for your answer as if her life is depending on it. "That's pretty much it, actually. Stare at strangers. Drink myself to oblivion. Pretty great, right?" You wink at her and give her that look again, that look that she obviously still can't hold because she looks away again, her cheeks flushed.

"Wow," she says, almost a whisper. "Your life must be so awesome and exciting!" she adds, sarcastically.

She is grinning widely, telling you that it was just a joke but it hits you. Right in the chest. And you suddenly feel like an iron fist is clenched around your whole being, freezing you to your spot. Because your life is far from awesome and exciting and it's almost a thread away from being a total trash. But she doesn't know that, and yet somehow, she has reminded you of the truth, of why you're here, and how complete of a mess you are.

"Hey," she says bringing you back to reality and you look at her and she has that smug look on her face. "Cat got your tongue?"

You smirk but don't say anything else because your drink arrives and you suddenly feel the need to swallow the whole thing down in one swig to be able to compose yourself. You feel your body relax as you gulp down the drink and soon enough, you're back to your game again.

"So, Alex," she says, and you feel something within you as your name rolls out of her tongue effortlessly. You realize how much you love the sound of it from her and you suddenly imagine her screaming your name under a more intimate circumstance. Even if you have no idea whether she's been with a woman before. Not that it's ever been a problem for you though. "...what are you doing here alone? Waiting for your boyfriend?"

You almost spit out your drink at this, unsure whether she is fucking with you or she really has no idea. "Are you fucking kidding me?" you ask as your laughter resonates inside the bar, no matter how loud it already is inside. "I'm not interested in guys. And here I was thinking you should've figured it out by now."

She bites the inside of her cheek trying to suppress the grin that's slowly forming on her lips. The look on her face then answers your question a while ago. Her question wasn't much of an inquiry, but rather a confirmation of what she already thinks you are. And you're relieved. Because she doesn't look upset or disappointed. As a matter of fact, she seems pleased.

But you don't wanna take your chances so you say, "I'm gay... straight as a circle can be. In case you need me to be clearer." You chuckle and she does the same and you think her laughter is the best sound ever you can listen to it all day. "So, are you gonna stay mysterious all night and not tell me your name?"

Another first for you. You never care for a name because you feel like it always comes with the agonizing package of an emotional connection. And that's something that you despise. You never allow yourself to come even remotely close to being emotionally invested in someone because you know that that just fucks you up, all the fucking time. When you meet someone, it's all about the sex. The name never matters because you're just gonna forget about it the next day, anyway. That's how you always play. Meet someone hot, fuck her until her body can't take it anymore, then you throw her away like some clutter you've just picked up, hoping to never see her again.

But then she answers, and you know right then that this is someone with a potential of turning your world upside down. "I'm Piper. Piper Chapman."

And that's how it all starts. Before you even know it, you're already both pretty drunk, drunk enough not to care about anything or anyone. At that moment, there were just the two of you, in your own little bubble, feeling distant from everything you know you're both trying to run away from. You find out she's just graduated from college, and has no plans of how she's gonna navigate towards her future, something that her parents have always nagged her about. You find out about her parents, and how excruciating it is to spend even just an hour with them. You find out about her two brothers, one she doesn't really care much about, and one she adores oh so dearly.

Then you find out about her ex-boyfriend named Larry, who had just recently broken her heart. "What kind of a name is Larry?" you ask, eliciting a laugh from her. You find out about how they met and how they broke up, all the while not giving a fuck about who this guy is but continuing to listen anyway because that's just how she is. She seems like someone who draws people to her, like a moth to a flame. And for the first time in your life, you realize that you've suddenly become the moth that's being drawn to someone. You're usually the flame that catches people's attention. They come to you and it's never the other way around. But with Piper, everything seems to be taking a 180-degree turn. With her, everything seems different. She is different.

You don't know what it is exactly about her, whether it's the way her eyes spark whenever she talks about something she loves, or the way she scrunches her nose out of habit, or the way her lips curve up when she listens to something you say she finds interesting, or it's just really her mere presence that makes her so different from everyone else you've met before her. But you know that as much as it scares you the way she's making you feel, you're going to let her and everything with her be different from everyone else because fuck, if you're going to try a different way with someone, it's going to be with someone worth it, right?

Then you find yourselves on the dance floor, dancing like idiots to Milkshake, with a choreographed dance you've both seen somewhere. You dance, and you laugh, and you flirt and that's how your night goes until exhaustion takes over her body and she decides she needs to go home. You offer to walk her home and she immediately says yes, and you're grateful because the night hasn't come to its end yet.

You walk towards her place, with a safe distance between you at first. The effects of all the alcohol you've both consumed has already worn off from all the dancing and you feel her slowly trying to distant herself from you, as if afraid that if she gets any closer, something she'd regret is gonna happen.

You continue to walk quietly as dread washes through you. You don't want the night to end because it might be the last time you ever see her. And you don't want that. You need to see her again, need to know more about her. You know that you're stepping into a dangerous territory, but this feels good. Being with her feels good. Even though you know very damn well that something that feels good isn't always something that is good, but you want to try anyway.

So you keep walking, and without realizing it, your shoulders are brushing against each other and the coldness of the night is suddenly gone. You feel warmth caused by her skin against yours. And then you take her hand, and you entangle your fingers with hers. She looks at you with surprise, then at your hands locked together, but instead of jerking her hand away, she smiles and squeezes your own.

You reach her house and you stop in front of her door, not letting go of each other's hands. You face each other, still without any word and you find yourself closing the gap between you. She looks into your eyes and you feel like she's boring a hole into your soul but you hold her gaze and soon enough, you're breathing the same air. You bring your hand to cup her face, the one that's not holding her, and you make small circles on her jaw with your thumb. She closes her eyes as she breathes deeply, taking in the proximity between you.

And when you can't take it any longer, you crash your lips against hers and you feel every worry in your body ebb away as the only thing left for you to feel is the softness of her lips against yours, and the way her body melts against your arm that's already wrapped around her waist. She brings her hands and entangles them in your hair, and you feel her pull you even closer. You feel her smile against your lips, and you find yourself doing the same because you know by then that night is in no way coming to its end. Instead, it's become the beginning of something so torturously yet wonderfully new.

And at that moment, you know your life is gonna change forever.

-o-o-o-

It all comes so fast. The clock continues to tick and soon enough, Piper has become a constant in your life. Ever since that first night you've met, you've found yourselves seeing each other almost every day. At first, there were almost no conversations. You spend your times with her in bed, memorizing every inch of her body, marking it as if telling her that you own her now, and she does all those things to you, too, giving you the assurance that she's fine being yours as long as you're also hers.

Until you get past that phase where you prefer fucking over speaking, and you reach the point where you crave for her attention, for her stories, for her opinions on anything that she can think of, for everything she has to say about her life. In return, she asks about you, too. She asks about what all your tattoos mean, the red rose on your arm and the little lady beside it, the salt shaker at your back, and the tribal-like symbol on your other arm. You answer everything truthfully, and you slowly break the wall you've surrounded around you to keep people from coming into your life because you want to finally let her in.

You tell her about that first night you met her at the bar, about why you were really there. That you were trying to get drunk because you had just met your father, and he was nowhere near the person your Mom made him to be. "Some things are better left in the abstract," you add. For the longest time, you looked up to him, like he was some god you will do anything for whatever happens. All you ever knew about him before that night is that he was some rock god, a drummer for some famous band. Your mother constantly told you about how cool he is and everything else that made you believe he's the perfect father. Even if you haven't met him yet. Even if he left you and your mom to live a pathetic excuse of a life on your own. Even if he hasn't made an effort to look for you. You let yourself believe that meeting him would make everything better, but then you do meet him, and he turns out to be a complete asshole, and you suddenly realize that every fucked up thing that has ever happened to you is because of him.

You end up crying that time when you told Piper about this, and she wrapped her arms around you, making soothing circles on your back, constantly telling you that she's there for you, that you don't need to feel terrible anymore and that she's never going to leave you. And you believe her. And from that moment, you hold on to the thought of never feeling alone again because you have her. You will always have her.

At that point in your life, there was nothing else that you don't know about each other. You've both confessed to each other about your weaknesses, your fears, the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between and there is nothing you've ever said to each other that changed what you have. If possible, you feel even closer to each other.

You wake up almost every day with her by your side, most of those times without your clothes on. During those rare times when you wake up before her, you indulge yourself by looking at the rising and falling of her chest as she sleeps peacefully and you realize how contented you are just staring at her. But when she does wake up before you, you open your eyes to those two beautiful blue orbs, studying your face, staring at you like you're the most magnificent sight there is, and you can't help the flutters inside your stomach. There isn't a label yet, but you know how you feel about her. It's the first time you've ever let yourself feel that way but you're not terrified because as you've already convinced yourself before, she's worth it.

So one time, when you've just finished dinner, you let her do the dishes as you turn on some music, too slow for your own liking, but what the hell. You feel like dancing and you don't care how cheesy this might look. You approach Piper and you wrap your arms around her so that you're now hugging her from behind. You kiss her nape and you leave a trail of little kisses from there to her shoulder. She leans in to you and she sighs contentedly.

"Come dance with me," you say, barely a whisper.

She looks at you as if you've lost your mind but you just shrug your shoulders so she turns around and takes the hand you've held out for her. You make your way to your living room, not breaking eye contact and when you stop, she wraps her arms around your neck as you put yours on her hips. You slowly sway to the music as she rests her head on your shoulder. You press a soft kiss on her head and you close your eyes, allowing yourself to be consumed by the overflowing love you feel for her. You stay like that for a few more minutes until you finally decide to do the one thing you know might change what you have for the better, or maybe worse.

"I love you."

You feel her body stiffen and for a moment, you think that you've ruined this forever. But she looks up at you, with the same stare she gives you every time you wake up beside her and she smiles. And you can't help but be overwhelmed by how beautiful she is. Without saying anything, she presses her lips against yours and you let yourself drown in those lips and how good they feel. Then she pulls away, just enough to be able to look at you again. And then she says the most beautiful thing you may ever hear your entire life. "I love you, too."

-o-o-o-

The first few months are good. You both live in pure bliss and it feels like nothing can ever come that can ruin what you have. She's met your mother, the only one other person you have ever loved and you're ecstatic because they immediately hit it off. Soon enough, your Mom starts treating Piper like her own child. Your mother talks to you and tells you how happy she is that you've finally met the person she'd be comfortable leaving you with. Not once has the thought of your Mom leaving you ever crossed your mind but hearing her say those words gave you fears you never thought you'd feel. But you choose to ignore it because just like Piper had promised, your Mom will never leave you, too.

But you know that nothing is perfect and that all good things must come to an end.

"Hey, Pipes? When can I meet your parents, too?" You don't fail to notice how she tenses at this but waits for her to answer before you say anything else.

You see her force a smile as she answers you. "Soon, babe."

But that 'soon' never comes. Weeks of waiting turn into months and she never once mentions anything about wanting you to meet her family. Which leads you to ask her whether they know about you or not. And you're slapped with the painful truth when she tells you that they don't.

Piper's family has a status to maintain in the society that they live in. They have the pathetic need to be looked up to, to be admired by everyone and having a daughter living with another woman is not something that they can flaunt to their world, and not something that they can accept from Piper. That's Piper's excuse for not telling them about you and you're hurt but you don't say anything else. You try to understand because she promises you that she's just taking her time and that eventually, she's gonna come clean to them.

But this has already put a strain on your relationship as you find her constantly lying to you whenever she has to be away for a few days. You know where she goes but she always tells you that she's leaving to go to a friend's house, always a friends' house, when you know very well that she goes home to her family during those days. She continues keeping you from them, as if your some plague that needs to be disgusted with, hence the secrecy.

And when you can't take it any longer, you finally decide to confront her about it. But the only thing that comes out of that is that you fight. And you fight some more. Until it has become a constant in your relationship, like you can't go on a day without fighting. Your fights are never for the same reason but you know that it always boils down to one thing. And that is the fact that you feel like Piper doesn't deem you worthy enough to be a part of the world she has grown accustomed to.

"I've changed for you, Piper. I was once a person who never gave a fuck about what other people might think of me, but I'm not that same person anymore. Because I want to be even just a tiny fraction of the world you live in. I've become the person I never thought I would be but I'm okay with that. Because I fucking love you! But that doesn't even matter anymore because you can't even fight for me! I get it that you're scared. But you're not even trying. Am I really not that worth it?"

You look at her and you see the pain in her eyes but it doesn't compare to the gnawing feeling in your chest for being someone not worthy enough to be a part of someone else's world. "Alex, you know that's not true. I've tried. A million times. But I don't know how to get through them. I don't know how to tell them without them having to hate me because then they'll hate you. And I don't want that."

"I don't give a damn whether they like me or not, Piper. You love me and that's all I care about. But I just want you to man up and stand for something, someone you keep on telling me you love. I know you love me. I can fucking feel it. But I can't help but feel that that's only true when there's just the two of us. And that when you have to handle this thing, whatever we have between us outside of ourselves, you're just gonna curl up or worse, run away. What we have needs to be interlaced with the real world, Pipes. And you're not showing any sign that you're interested in that."

And for the first time ever since you've been in this relationship, you turn away from her, no matter how much it hurt. Because you can't let her see the tears that are now shooting from your eyes. You don't go home that night, giving her time to think about what she wants to do. You sleep at your mother's place, and like always she tells you that everything is gonna be okay and that Piper is gonna realize how much she wants you to be a part of her life.

You fall asleep with the soothing voice of your mother but after a few hours, you jolt awake by the terrible dream that you have. It's about your father, and he's laughing at you, for thinking that you're gonna get away from the crappy life that he left for you to have. He laughs at you for believing that someone else is gonna want you when your own father never did. And you cry again, because you're scared that it might be true. That Piper is going to be just like your father who's going to hurt you for your stupid belief that you're someone worth loving.

You go home two days later hoping that things between you and Piper are going to get better. But they don't. Because you find Piper slowly distancing herself from you. You can no longer hold a conversation with her because when you do, she always makes it sure to avoid your eyes. And you know why. She doesn't want you to look at them because then you're gonna find out how she's finally given up. How she can't choose you over the safety of the life she had before you... over the security of the acceptance of her family over the free-falling through life with you. You're nothing and she knows that.

But still, you let days pass by, still holding on to the promise she made you before, that she's never going to leave you. But nothing still changes and things turn from bad to worse so you finally make a decision. You gather your things and slowly pack your bags. You own this place but you know you have to leave because you can't bear the thought of her leaving you instead. You look around the place and can't help the tears as you remember every memory you've shared with her in here, and how those are just gonna remain as such, with you having no chance of adding some more of those. You slowly walk towards the door but are surprised when Piper comes in first. She looks at you then at your bags and you think you see fear in her eyes.

"Alex? Wh-what are you doing?"

"I have to go, Piper." You say without offering any much more explanation because you know that she already knows why.

"Alex, please. Don't do this." She starts to cry but you ignore her and continue to walk towards the door. "Please don't go." You hear her voice crack and you feel just how hurt she is so you stop and look at her.

"Then tell me that you've finally had the balls to decide to fight for me, for us." But Piper remains quiet, except for the occasional sobbing coming out of her. "No?" You laugh humourlessly because you've finally confirmed that she will never be able to do that for you. "Then just tell me that this is over because I can't live like this anymore, constantly hoping and waiting for you to do something to prove to me how much you really love me." Again, silence. "Stop being a fucking coward for once, and tell me," you say as anger builds within you because once again, your life starts spiralling before you. But she just shakes her head, and so you give up waiting for her to say something. "Piper, just so you know, I may be the one walking away, but you're the one who did the leaving."

And with that, you open the door and walk out of your house without looking back.

-o-o-o-

Days pass and you feel the pain suck the life out of you. You've never been prepared of having Piper out of your life. You've constantly reminded yourself of how much you love each other that having to live a life without her never ever crossed your mind. And now, you're going through with it and you feel every inch of your body hurt from her absence in your life. You miss everything about her and everything you see reminds you of her.

You realize how you've always accused her of being a coward but you're not much different yourself because here you are, away from her, not even knowing what to call what you have anymore, or if you still have anything, at all. So you take a deep breath, deciding to give yourselves another chance, hoping for the nth time that this is what's gonna bring you back together. So you stand up, and go back to the person who's only ever loved you as much as you loved her.

You come home and find her sitting at the couch, staring at nothing. She looks at you and immediately, life comes back to her face as she comes running to you. She wraps her arms around you and pulls you to a hug that seems like a non-verbal way of saying "I'm not letting you go again." You let the hug last a little longer before you finally show her what you need to show her to see if this is really going to work.

"I love you, Pipes. So much it really fucking hurts knowing I have to live a life without you. But I can't do that. I love you too much to let you go. But I know that you also have things that you need to settle in your life and I don't want to force you into a decision you may regret making."

You're holding two one-way tickets to Cambodia, a place you've both always dreamed of living in. "I love Cambodia," you once said, to which she replid, "Me, too." That was the time when you decided that you wanted to spend the rest of your lives together, and that you can do that anywhere in the world but you come to the agreement that if there is one place you'd like for that to be, it would be Cambodia.

You hand one of them to her, and wait for her to take it, and she does, shakingly so. You know that life outside the two of you will always be messy, and that it will only shatter your dreams of being accepted into a life that you were never really made for. So you decide that living in a faraway place without anyone outside the world you made for you and Piper to have the chance to ruin the best thing you've had since day one is the only way to fix this.

"Flight's tomorrow, and I'm leaving whether you come with me or not." She shakes her head, unable to voice out whatever she's thinking at that moment. "I'm not leaving you, Piper. I'm giving you the choice of whether you want to come with me or not. And I promise, I'll be fine either way, because then I'd know that you'll be happy."

So you kiss her on the cheek, and let yourself out of the door, not waiting for her to say anything back.

-o-o-o-

You arrive at the airport three hours early. You text Piper telling her where to go see you, if she decides to go with you. Fear washes through you as you wait for her to arrive. You allow yourself one last time to hope for a life with Piper. You allow yourself to think of the promise she made more than a year ago. You allow yourself to believe that your love for each other is gonna cut it this time. But as time passes by, your hope slowly ebbs away and you start believing that maybe you've got it wrong again.

But there's still time, you think. Two hours and five minutes. That's plenty of time for Piper to arrive, for her to prove that you were right to let yourself allow those things to happen. For the whole 16 months that you've been together, not once have you ever felt that she didn't love you. Even during those times when you're almost close to cutting each other's throats out, you can still feel the love as crazy as that may sound. So right now, you hold on to that and still wait patiently for her.

Clock keeps ticking and you realize you only have less than an hour left to wait. By that time, you've lost all the will to hope. You know by then that she isn't coming, that she's letting you leave without her, that she's letting you go. You remember the dream you had of your father once again and you realize that he's right to laugh at you for believing that someone will find you worthy enough to stay for. You feel pathetic and stupid and your tears start to fall when you realize that this is now the end for you and the only person you've ever allowed the power to break you.

More time pass by and you make your way to your seat inside the plane. And as the airplane takes off, that's when everything hits you, like a shit storm that has been waiting to destroy you for the longest time. It all comes at you all at once and you are not prepared for the million knives that go right through your chest when you finally let everything sink in.

Piper Chapman never came. And now you're left to live the life you've hoped for yourselves... alone.

-o-o-o-

A/N:

Try listening to Kodaline's All I Want afterwards =)

Please review, it means the world to me.