Finding One's Heart
They were only holographic fantasies, Doctor; an inefficient use of my time.
Seven's own words kept running through her mind as she stood behind the console in holo-deck two, where she had run her simulations of Voyager and fantasy relationship with a holographic Chakotay. Her involvement in these simulations had distracted her from her duties, to the point which had put her crew-mates in danger. Not only that, but she had put her own self in danger as well. Her cortical node had been designed to 'deactivate' her if she experienced high levels of emotional stimulation. The Doctor had said he would be able to fix the problem, but Seven decided not to have the mechanism removed. She needed to remain focused on her responsibilities. The, 'fail-safe device-' as they had called it- would insure that. And what was the point anyway? Chakotay would never reciprocate her feelings. Sure, he'd invited her to accompany him for Neelix's cooking class, but only to encourage her to socialize with the crew. He would've done the same for anyone.
Seven inhaled deeply as she looked around the large, empty room. The temptation to run her simulation again was palpable. She did want to experience those emotions again, but she now regarded them as dangerous and distracting. She knew what she had to do. The fail-safe was only part of the solution.
"Computer, access all files under Seven of Nine, alpha," she ordered, her voice wavering despite her resolve.
"Files accessed," the computer announced. Seven tried to swallow the lump she could feel forming in her throat, trying desperately to keep her emotions under control. Once she gave the order, it would all be over. No more experiences of humanity, nor romantic innuendo with the Chakotay hologram. And the real world was simply too cruel and complex to enjoy these same experiences- for her, at least.
With a determined intake of breath, she forced out the command, "Delete files."
For several seconds after the computer had announced, "Files deleted," Seven stood there, frozen and numb. It was over. The reality of it was sinking in. From here on, it would just be business as usual. The Borg do not monopolize their time with pursuits of pleasure. She had done the right thing.
"Ah, there you are," a familiar voice chimed, interrupting her thoughts.
"Doctor," she addressed as she tuned to face him.
"Everyone was hoping you would attend Mr. Neelix's cooking lesson, but, of course, you decided to avoid enjoying the company of your friends like the Tarkalean flue!" the Doctor admonished in paternal disapproval. "More, 'research,' I assume?"
"What I do with my personal time is none of your concern," Seven retorted, defensively.
"It is if it compromises your growth as an individual," the Doctor reasoned. "I was assigned to help you with your social development, so, it is my job to see to it that you exercise every opportunity to grow as an individual. But, instead, you keep ducking every time you're faced with a challenge that doesn't involve scans, circuits or hostile aliens."
"I suppose you are referring to my fail-safe, Doctor?" Seven asked, hotly.
Not wanting to exasperate her any further, the Doctor gave himself a moment to calm down before continuing. "I'm worried about you, Seven," he admitted.
"Your concern is unfounded," she said, tersely.
"Is it?," he retorted. "You're forever denying yourself in the name of efficiency; you refuse to allow me to remove a potentially life-threatening device from your cortical implants; and, you refuse to even admit you have feelings for a prominent member of this crew."
"I have no such feelings, Doctor," Seven stated, defensively. "I only chose him for my simulations because..." She paused briefly in search of how to explain her actions. "He's a respected leader, just as Axum was."
"You could have just as easily recreated Unimatrix Zero," the Doctor said, pointedly. "Instead, you created a Voyager simulation and a relationship with the Commander..."
"I didn't want to recreate Unimatrix Zero," she admitted, "just the emotions I experienced there. Now, if you will excuse me, I must regenerate," she concluded before striding past him toward the exit.
"Still," the Doctor persisted as he turned to Seven, stopping her in her tracks, "you could have chosen any member of the crew as your romantic interest. You wouldn't have chosen the Commander had you not considered..."
"As I recall, Doctor," Seven cut in as she turned to face him, clearly agitated, "last time you encouraged me to peruse a relationship with someone, I ended up losing him," she painfully recalled, referring to Axum, with whom she had had a six year relationship in Unimatrix Zero; a virtual construct she and several other drones had visited while she was still part of the collective. She was later forced to destroy it to protect her friends there from the Borg Queen, separating her and Axum forever.
The Doctor regarded her with sympathy. "I can understand why you would be reluctant to risk that again," he said, dropping the matter.
Seven gave him a curt nod. "Good night, Doctor," she said before turning to leave.