"I said go the heck to sleep!" Fury screamed. That's what he did scream, but what he wanted to scream was too inappropriate for children's ears.
Thanks to a psychotic Asgardian woman called Enchantress, Nick Fury was stuck babysitting the miniature Avengers. That's right, miniature. Her stupid spell turned them into small children; annoying, disobedient, seconds from being strangled children. They'd been like this for a week and Pepper Potts refused to help care for her boyfriend.
Tony was currently trying to construct a real and functioning cannon out of legos while Thor ran around swinging his hammer and yelling battle cries at imaginary frost giants. Steve, who'd lost the health benefits of his super soldier body, was minutes away from an asthma attack yet continued singing an extremely childish version of something about the Statue of Liberty, tumbling around on the floor, and using a paper plate as his shield. Bruce had hulked out and was running rampant through helicarrier, ignoring the agents' attempts at soothing him with chocolate chip cookies.
"Where in Shield's sake are Natasha and Clint!?" Fury was on his last nerve.
As soon as he turned around, Fury was met with a suction cup arrow in the forehead. He looked up.
"Yes! Right between the eyes!" Clint cheered and high-fived Natasha, "I still got perfect aim!"
Fury pulled the toy arrow off his forehead and snapped it in half. The two little former assassins disappeared back into the vents before he could grab them.
"Why you little…" Fury's string of curses was cut off by a female Shield agent returning with a nearly naked Bruce that looked like he'd been crying.
"He said Tony stole his action figures and wouldn't let him play with the legos." She explained, "He didn't mean to hulk out. He started crying when he changed back."
"I didn't cry!" Bruce disagreed, "Crying's for babies!"
"You deal with it. I'm taking a break." Fury told the agent, "And get someone to find Romanoff and Barton. They're in the vents again."
"Yes, sir." She replied with a slight sound of dread in her voice.
Fury wished her luck, relieved that he didn't have to deal with them anymore, and left.
A few hours later, he returned to see how it was going and was met with the same chaos he left them in.
"What part of "deal with it" is hard for you to understand?" Nick Fury was getting very frustrated.
"I'm sorry, sir." The Shield agent replied, "Rogers has had three asthma attacks, Thor and the Hulk are fighting, Stark made a lego cannon, and I sent another agent after Romanoff and Barton an hour ago. I didn't expect it to be this difficult."
"They're the Avengers. What did you expect it to be like?" Fury questioned, exasperated.
Fury took over and she went back to her normal Shield agent work. A while later, a male Shield agent came in dragging Hawkeye and Black Widow by the collars. They were still fighting him and he looked like he'd been attacked by ten grown men.
"They're still as skilled as their adult selves. Romanoff got a hold of a knife." He told Fury.
"You attacked Agent Marks with a knife?" Fury sternly addressed the two kid agents, "Do you have anything to say for yourselves?"
"It was her idea!" Clint pointed at Natasha, "I just wanted to play in the vents!"
She cursed in Russian and hit him.
"Hey! Watch your mouth." Fury told her, "Children aren't allowed to curse, in any language. And no hitting."
Agent Marks let them go and they ran off and started playing with some Hotwheels. Marks left and Thor ran up to Fury.
"May we have cookies mortal?" the little Asgardian asked, "We're hungry."
"Can they be chocolate chip?" Steve stopped drawing the American flag for a moment.
"With chocolate milk?" Bruce questioned, looking up from the children's book he was reading.
"I want a martini." Tony said.
Fury glared at the tiny billionaire.
"I was just kidding." Tony responded, "The kid me likes chocolate milk, so be a dear and get me some. And I want cookies."
"I don't care what you want Tony." Fury was not amused, "Little smart mouths don't get what they want. Only good, obedient children get cookies."
"Those are two things I wouldn't say about Tony." Thor commented.
"Well, you broke stuff with your hammer!" Tony accused.
"Bruce broke things! He broke more than I did!" Thor argued.
"Shut up!" Natasha interrupted, "You're annoying!"
"You're dumb!" Tony told her.
She stuck her tongue out at him and he did the same to her.
"All of you stop it!" Fury ordered, "Be good or you don't get anything."
"I'm good." Clint announced, "Can I have candy for dinner? Me and Nat?"
"And sugar?" Natasha added, "I want sugar and candy for dinner!"
"And chocolate!" Steve piped in, "Lots of chocolate!"
They forgot the fight the way children do and begged him for sweets and toys. They got a normal dinner and some cookies for dessert, but not too much. Fury had one of the agents retrieve the toy bow and arrows from the vents and read the mini Avengers a bedtime story to shut them up. They insisted on using Tony's arc reactor as a nightlight and Steve got a toy version of his shield.
The Avengers woke up the next morning all piled into one bed; Thor clutching onto Mjolnir which had chocolate on it for a reason he did not know, Bruce laying on Tony's legs, Steve holding a toy shield, Clint hugging a toy bow like it was the most important thing in the world, and Natasha hugging the archer like a teddy bear.
"Get off me Banner." Tony was the first to speak, "I'm not homo. Not so sure about Point Break over there though." Thor had been hugging Steve's foot.
"More than happy to Stark." Bruce responded as they all got up.
"What happened?" the restored super soldier asked.
"Where's my bow? My real one?" Hawkeye questioned, tossing the toy on the bed.
The one-eyed director of Shield entered, realizing they were back to normal. Fury answered, "Amora the Enchantress turned you into children. Your weapons were locked up for safety reasons except for Thor's hammer because he refused to allow it. She's gone now and you were very annoying. All of Shield thought about strangling you several times."
"What did we do?" Black Widow inquired.
They barely remembered anything from the past week.
Fury told them a few things, "You cursed like a sailor in Russian, Tony was about the same as usual, the Hulk came out at the smallest provocation, Thor was very loud, Steve called me a "butt head" for not letting him play cowboys because he was about to have an asthma attack, Tony suggested replacing my eye patch with a waffle, oh, and Clint was a biter. I seriously considered putting a muzzle on him."
They laughed.
"Waffle for an eye patch huh?" Tony commented, "It'd be a good look for you Fury."
Fury just walked out, saving what was left of his sanity. Now he remembered why he never wanted kids.