A Nakedly Awkward ER Visit

Disclaimer: I do not own Frozen or Rise of the Guardians, or any of the other shows mentioned in this story. Disney and DreamWorks own it.

"Her tits size of my elves." North exclaimed. Jack sighed loudly, looking awkwardly at the surgery board. He just finished his last surgery for the day, sadly alongside the chief. "Single life is never better!"

"What about you, Jack Frost?" Nudged Bunnymund. "How much has the ice queen given out since Jamie came along?"

Jack grinned and shook his head. If they only knew how hard it was to actually have alone time with your wife when you cared for a child they wouldn't go out bragging to everyone about their amazing bachelor lives. Jack seldom missed those times. Elsa was the love of his life, however by the time they both got home, they were too exhausted to even kiss, let alone have sex.

Don't get Jack started. They had tried in vain to plan a romantic weekend, but Jamie got lice and had to come home from his friend's house. When Anna came to watch the little guy she ended up bring Kristoff along, resulting in the ever so curious Jamie sneaking in on the teenage couple's own alone time. Needless to say, they had a very awkward conversation as to how a burglar came in and robbed both kids of their clothes.

"All the time," Jack shrugged it off as if it were nothing. That subject stayed on his mind as he ventured home to find Jamie already passed out on the couch. "Elsa?"

She gasped awake, falling off the couch. Jack didn't even see her from the covers overtop her. He had trouble not laughing as he helped his clumsy wife up. "Not funny," she hissed.

"I beg to differ," Jack cackled. She was still in her suit. He leaned in to kiss her and tried for a deeper kiss than normal. Elsa, surprised, pulled away with a groan. "Pleasee."

"I'm exhausted." She pouted. Jack countered back with a smirk, keeping eye contact the entire time. Finally, "Come here."

They began a quick make out session, right there on the couch, forgetting of Jamie's sleeping form. Things were getting heated and Elsa let loose a slight whimper. Seconds later, Jamie jumped awake. "What are you doing!?"

Those fateful words cause Elsa to shove Jack back, separating their lips in haste. Jack, a tad bit annoyed, grated and slowly went to a sitting position, pulling Elsa with him against his chest. "Showing your mommy some love, that's what."

"Ew!" Jamie ran screaming, covering his eyes. They followed the child's running form until he was out of sight, but seconds later they heard a loud thud.

In the end, they snuck Jamie in the back door of the ER where Jack hurriedly stitched up the child who took off his mother. He was the talk of the hospital, but the kid loathed it. It was most likely the embarrassment of the occurrence that caused the events of the next night.

Elsa and Jack were determined to get it on, seeing it now as a challenge. It was midday and they, ever so clever the parents, pawned their kids off on their neighbor, as any good parent would. "Let's get messy," Elsa had said. Jack didn't understand why she adored lube. He supposed it was something to do with the fact that he would put it on his dick when he masturbated. Whatever the reason, she loved it. It gave her thrills just to touch it. So he shouldn't have been so surprised when she brought in the bottle and squirted it all over his hands. "Now touch me everywhere."

And so Jack did exactly that, along with some heated kissing. His hands rubbed in between her thighs, high and low. Finally, when they began going at it, he pressed his hands rather roughly to her breasts as he drove in and out. Well, funny thing about that lube…

Earlier in the morning, Jack had seen Jamie run in and out of their bathroom, figuring he was just playing hide and seek or something. The ten year old was smarter than he let on.

"Elsa," Jack paused. She only moaned, trying to keep focused on the task. "Elsa, there's – Elsa!"

"What?" she snapped, opening her eyes.

"Uh," Jack cocked his head to the side. "Well, you see…"

"About to come!" Elsa shrieked in aggravation. "Gone. I should smack you…oh my gosh! I can't-,"

"Neither can I," Jack groaned, head falling in defeat into her hair. He tucked, trying to remove his hands from her breasts, but those puppies were stuck on there. Despite the rumors, he loved Elsa very much…and he loved her tits. So there was no way in hell he'd try to remove his hands if there was the slightest chance that he could damage the girls.

"What kind of lube did you buy, fuck-tard?" Elsa spat. He could sense her heart rate increasing, her breathing speed up. Granted, he was pushing on her chest with a lot of his bodyweight, but his legs had most of it, proven by how fast they were falling asleep. Sensing her panic, all of his lust went down the drain, except for the ever-existing part he got from touching her boobs. Heck, he was going for a record time. "Ew! Ew, did your boner just die out?"

"Well, we are in a sticky situation," I winked. She rolled her eyes at my half-assed pun.

"Could you at least take it out? That's just weird." Yeah, Jack was used to her bluntness. Once she got comfortable, she didn't hold any remarks back. Funny, he used to adore that part of her when it wasn't aimed at his precious cargo. He tried; he really did, but then came her screams of pain. "Ow, ow, stop!"

He cringed. "I put lube – or whatever that was - on my dick. Now it's in your pub- hair." She loathed when he called it pubes. See, Jack was a bit old fashioned down there and requested she didn't shave, something she easily crossed off her to-do list. Now it bit them in the butt.

"Idiot," Elsa huffed. "Well both my hands are stuck to your arms or I'd call Anna."

"Ew, that's pedophile charges calling my name-," Jack began, his face twisting at the thought. Suddenly, the door burst open and there stood the devil herself, alongside the mischievous prankster known as Jamie. "Jamie Frost Junior!" His name was only Jamie Frost, but Jack thought it sounded better if he added the junior on it. Anna was quick to cover his eyes, but the two parents already acted on their feet and worked together to rolled themselves off the bed. Jack landed on his back with a solid thud and groan. "What the hell is this?"

"I switched out your gel stuff with clear cement glue," Jamie giggled. Anna was bursting at the seams with laughter. "Dad, why were you grabbing mommy's-."

"Anna," Elsa shouted. "Could you get some help?"

"Oh, I'll get you some help alright," Anna snickered. They both dreaded the sound of the phone in her hands.

"Could you at least drape somethi-thank you," Jack growled. He was actually very protective of Elsa's body. He gurney moved slowly to the ER, scaring half the people to death. "Not my ass, hers!"

"Sir, we can't have you mooning the entire-,"

The poor, shy paramedic was cut off from North, Bunny, Kristoff, Anna, Tooth, and the rest of the staff of surgeons located at Guardia Hospital laughing hysterically. You guessed it. Jack knew every single person, and Elsa did by default. It was probably worse for her considering Jack often bragged about her in bed to the guys, but now they got a sneak peek of it.

It took them literally two minutes to quiet down, all the while Elsa and Jack rolled eyes simultaneously. "No way to treat a patient!" she shrieked.

"I call them!" Tooth shrieked.

"You just want a looksy at Jack's," Bunny whistled high and low.

"It's not like you are getting them," Tooth snorted. "Jack doesn't want a horny guy like you fondling Elsa's." It was her turn to whistle. Neither patient knew whether she meant boobs, ass, or vagina. Either way, they didn't like it.

"Hey!" Elsa shouted. "I can't breathe and Jack's hands are cramping. Do something!"

"Laugh later, but fix now," Jack growled. He met eyes with each doctor, daring them to say a word about it. "Bunny, North, and Hans: get the fuck out of here."

"Tooth," Elsa strained her neck to look backwards. "Sorry, but no." What could she say? They both were jealous people. "Kristoff. You've seen Anna, now it's my turn." She held a messed up grin Jack couldn't get enough of. If is back weren't aching so badly, he would have lent down again to kiss her.

"But I didn't even volunteer," he trudged and took the gurney, strolling it into the bed. Jack was smiling devilishly at him the entire time. He gulped, grabbed a clipboard, and held it in his line of view as he started the exam. "Ho-," he cleared his throat. "How did this happen?"

"Oh, you know," Jack shrugged. "We were just eating a casual breakfast in our normal positions." Elsa snickered. "We were fucking and used some lube that Jamie had previously switched out with cement drying clear glue gel."

"Obviously," Kristoff muttered. "But, uh, the breasts?"

A chorus of giggles sounded from outside the curtain. They both knew all their friends were listening in but neither truly cared. They all heard stories of Jack's heated bedroom life, now it was just confirmed. "Elsa has this thing-,"

"I do not!" Elsa snarled. "We spilled it."

"Sure," Jack muttered. Her nailed slowly dug their way deeper into Jack's arms. "Jamie has the glue out in the waiting room." As Kristoff took his chance to get out of there, Elsa gave Jack the stank eye. She did her best to spit on him, but he was too far in the air and it just fell back on her face. Jack laughed proudly.

"Fuck you," she whined, trying to get it to roll off her face before anyone else could see.

"We were trying to," Jack shrugged. Elsa jerked her hips upward and Jack cringed. "Sorry." Smirking, he lent down and kissed her softly and slowly, licking up the spit. Elsa smiled faintly, thankful for his ability to ignore how utterly gross that was. Kristoff came back in the room and sighed, looking in and out of the body parts.

"Oh my – Jack, are you still in there?" Kristoff could have shouted it into a bullhorn and been less loud.

"No, his dick magically disappeared," Elsa muttered. "It's massive! We all would have seen it if not!" Jack again winked down at her.

Kristoff ran a hand through his hair. "Shitt…I'm going to need a gynecologist." Elsa cringed. There were two of them: Tooth and Anna. He took one look at Elsa and made the decision for her. "Get Tooth."

All that really happened was they soaked Elsa's body and Jack's arms in a mix that lessened the hold the glue had on it. Getting her hands off his arms wasn't painful, but boy did Elsa scream when Jack pulled out. "Fucking hate you! Worse than – ah - childbirth, mother fucker!" The entire time, he was being smacked upside the head for 'listening to the great idea.' They were about to do her boobs when Jack yelled in protest.

"Nooo," he argued. "Don't come a step closer with that shit. No, no, not a chance."

"Jack," Tooth blushed. Elsa didn't even see why she was needed. There was no surgery. It wasn't like people never dealt with boobs before.

"Hey! You see these tits?" Jack nodded in Elsa's direction. "They're the best tits I've ever seen – and I'm a damn plastic surgeon. I should know. They aren't saggy like North's ladies are and they aren't nonexistent like Bunny's. So there's not a chance we are ruining these babies. They are perfection made over and-,"

"Just get Bunny in here and let him decide," Elsa groaned. Jack went on a whole new spree of ranting, but he was outvoted. "He's an unbiased, second opinioned plastic surgeon."

As he made his smug entrance, Bunny tipped a nonexistent hat towards Jack. "Elsa, looking lovely as ever today." He kissed her hand. "What seems to be the – ah, Jack and his boners. They get in the way, don't they?"

Jack was already on his breaking point. "Peter Cottontail, you take a good look at Elsa and just remember; this is my damn wife. Every night." He rubbed salt in an open wound. "Sprout a boner and you'll get knocked out, but still remember the sight."

Elsa was used to Jack's jealous remarks and kicked him freely in the balls. He cringed, wanting to hold his junk but finding himself useless. "I love you, too, but let's hurry this up."

"Eager to finish?" Bunny surveyed the damage with a smug smile.

"Eager to console a child to make sure he doesn't turn to drugs for coping on seeing his parents twice molesting each other," Elsa muttered nonchalantly. Jack focused on breathing deeply. "So?"

"I think a little more concentration with less water will do fine. I'm going to warn you what Jack will already know," he snorted. "You'll feel a slightly acidic tingling, but we'll rinse it away with water right after you are separated. You'll also feel very sensitive for the next couple days. Though it shouldn't be of concern, don't breast feed in the next week, yada, yada, yada…okay!"

After the whole fiasco was finished with and the parents were properly clothed, they exited the curtains with grace but pointedly not touching each other past the hands. They definitely had gotten a day's worth of feeling the other up in. Jack quickly found the smirking Bunnymund and was quick to beat up on the poor fellow. Nobody stopped him, not even Elsa. She figured the guy looked a little bit too long after they were separated. He even tried to feel and make sure there was no damage, but Jack said he could easily do that.

Finally, as they walked to get Jamie, Elsa smacked his ass. "That's what we get for trying to be hot." Jack threw an arm around her shoulders and kissed her head.

"The thought," Jack sighed. "It's the thought that counts."

The car ride home was horribly conversational. It would have been nicer to have an awkward silence. After many accounts of avoiding the question, Jack and Elsa sat Jamie down on his bed and looked him in the eyes. "You shouldn't have switched those bottles. It could have been much worse," Elsa warned firmly. Jamie nodded.

"What were you doing?" He asked. Jack opened his mouth to answer. "Don't say wrestling. My friend's brother wrestles and he's never naked."

Elsa looked between the two men. She wanted to shield her son's innocence, but not enough to form such a blatant lie. "Welp," she jumped to her feet. "Look's like he's getting 'the talk' early, huh, Jack?"

"Yeah," Jack sighed dejectedly, sticking up his middle finger behind his back to Elsa. "Yeah he will."

A/N: This is a series of one-shots between our favorite couple Jack and Elsa! The updates all depend on the amount of reviews, but that's beside the point. I'd love to hear what you thought and any corrections. This is my first one shot so tell me what you thought. Also, if you have any funny/quirky/awkward ideas or stories to tell, I'd love to hear and write about it (or just hear if you prefer). Ideas are most wanted!