So I was fortunate enough to find an old Pokemon Blue cartridge. Blue was my first Pokemon game. I do not have a Gameboy Color. I have the old original grey dinosaur Gameboy. Nonetheless, I was happy to find it because I lost my copy of Blue a long time ago.
When I started the game, I was curious as to what the previous owner was up to when they got rid of it.
When I selected Continue, it said Pokedex: 0. Time: 0:00. The person started a new game and saved it in Red's room. Ass. What were you hiding? Training a Lickitung? Didn't want anyone to know you stooped to that level? So I started my own game and named the Character Red, and my Rival was named Blue.
Well, turns out, I got a hacked game. (yea I know, shocker.) All went along well until I got to a certain place.
Can you guess what place I am talking about? Yep, you guessed it: Lavender Town!
No, I am joking. It was not Lavender Town. (There's your real shocker lol) It was Cerulean City when things started going awry.
Like any normal person, I wanted two Mews. One to be a Whoop-Ass machine, the other to be an HM slave. I didn't think I was asking for too much. Turns out, on this copy or bootleg or whatever you want to call it, I was asking for too much.
When I caught the second Mew, things got weird. All the NPC's started running away. They headed south towards the gym. So, I followed suit because I wanted to be a part of the mob too. When the gym came into view, the two trainers, the advice guy, and Misty ran out and headed to the gate of Saffron. (Ha, jokes on you guys. The guard will not let you through) The police officer by the house that was robbed came up to me and the text box then read:
OFFICER:
PUT YOUR POKEBALLS ON THE GROUND AND YOUR HANDS UP!
Umm, since when did this turn into an episode of PokeCops? I didn't move for awhile. That's when I realized I could control Red. So I walked up to the officer and pressed A. The officer said he did not want to battle,
either surrender or die! Well, there is no surrender option on the game so I pressed A again.
OFFICER:
I HAVE KIDS! PLEASE SPARE ME! I'LL SAY YOU RAN TOO QUICK AND I COULDN'T CATCH YOU! JUST DON'T HURT ME!
He then hauled ass to Saffron. Okay, so I am now feared by everyone for some reason, but it felt cool. I was hoping that when a battle started I would see Red holding an M-16 or some shit, but a battle would never start.
In the tall grass south of Cerulean, no wild Pokemon would battle me. Hmmm, okay, well let's go talk to our buddy at the Daycare Center.
DAYCARE MAN:
JUST LEAVE! PLEASE! I DO NOT WANT ANY TROUBLE! WHAAAAA! PLEASE LEAVE! LEAVE ME ALONE! I DID NOTHING TO YOU!
Okay, what the fuck? Well, lets try the gate to Saffron, even though it felt slightly suicidal. But hey,
it's just a game and I saved before I walked in. If I get killed (which made me laugh as I thought that. It's a kids game about fake animals that are supposed to be cute and cuddly at this point in the game) I will just start over. Turned out, my hunch was right. The gate inside was lined by 4 cops.
OFFICER:
FIRE!
In front of each of them was the cloud of smoke that appears when you let out a Pokemon. Only they used guns,
not Growlithes. Whoops. Red flew back to the door and one of the Cops said that we got him and we can destroy this abomination.
Then the screen went back to the title screen. Okay, redo.
Fast forward to where I get to the gate. This time, we will go to Vermillion City for obvious reasons.
The person in the room gets the "!" over their head and run down the stairs. At least I didn't get shot this time. I go to Vermillion and watch everyone go into Diglett's Cave. Okay let's see how long until I get my ass busted again. Well I made it to Pewter and watched everyone go south to Viridian. "My God, this is getting tedious," I thought. At least I am not pestered by wild Pokemon battles.
When I got to Viridian, the Old Man was lying there like in the start of the game. I walked up to him, but nothing happened. So I pressed A.
... HIS FACE IS WHITE, HIS HANDS ARE STONE COLD. LOOKS LIKE HE DIED OF FEAR...
(or maybe he was such an ass to everyone and so pissy that he finally stroked out)
Okay, let's roll again. Everyone is still going south. Apparently Pallet Town was where the next chapter started. And I was right.
I saw a boat in Pallet Town with people getting on it.
Then a text box:
I THINK THAT IS THE LAST OF THEM. HOPEFULLY THEY WILL BE SAFE IN CINNABAR. IF NOT, WE WILL TAKE THE LONG WAY TO JOHTO..."
Sweet, I have Kanto to myself. Maybe Oak will have answers. So I headed to the lab.
Another text box:
BE CAREFUL RED, DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOU...
(Thanks God, I will keep that in mind.)
So I walk into the lab, and to my surprise, I see 14 people in there:
Brock, Misty, Lt. Surge, Erica, Koga, Sabrina, Blaine, Giovanni, Lorelei, Bruno, Agatha, Lance, Blue, and Oak.
They are all lined up in a U-shape with Oak pacing in front of them
OAK:
THIS IS IT? THIS IS MY ARMY?
BROCK, YOU CAN'T BEAT ANY ROOKIE TRAINERS THAT STROLL INTO YOUR GYM WITH A CHARMANDER OR A PIKACHU!
(lol, burn)
AND YOU MISTY! YOU HAVE A FULLY EVOLVED STARMIE. THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF POISON/GRASS TYPES SURROUNDING YOUR GYM, AND YOU DON'T EVEN THINK IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO TEACH THE LITTLE PIECE OF GARBAGE PSYCHIC!? YOU PRANCE AROUND IN A BIKINI AND ORDER STARMIE TO USE HARDEN OVER AND OVER OVER! GIVE THE DAMN THING A VIAGRA!
(wow dude, isn't Misty like 15? that's inappropriate, but still kinda funny)
AND LET'S LOOK AT THIS IDIOT! AN ELECTRIC POKEMON GYM RIGHT NEXT TO DIGLETT'S CAVE! AND YOU WERE A SOLDIER.
I EXPECTED LESS STUPIDITY FROM YOU!
(finally the game admits it!)
ERICA, ALL YOU DO IS SLEEP AND GET YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU BECAUSE CELADON IS SURROUNDED PIDGEOTTO! MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO FROM A TEAM OF THREE TO A TEAM OF SIX SO YOUR POISONPOWDER MIGHT ACUTALLY HAVE A CHANCE!
(okay, well at least that one is logical)
AND THE SO CALLED NINJA! YOU PUT UP INVISIBLE WALLS THAT REALLY AREN'T INVISIBLE! HOW ABOUT SOME POISON DARTS? STATUES THAT HAVE SLEEPING GAS? NO REAL NINJA WILL LET A CHALLENGER GET ANYWHERE NEAR HIM!
(Poison Darts would've been cooler)
AND YOU SABRINA (the "!" went above Oak. He floated to in between the two bookcases rather quickly, and banged into each of them very violently. Then he slowly walked back to the U-Shape of the Army)
HEH HEH, I GUESS YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB.
KOGA: "BITCH" ERICA: "PSYCHIC WHORE" MISTY: "DAMN I NEED TO TEACH STARMIE PSYCHIC." BROCK: "NICE ASS!"
(I bet Oak was thinking "wait until Blue and his Eevee go play at Midnight)
BLAINE, I HAVE A QUIZ FOR YOU! WHO IS THE INBRED WHO BUILT A FIRE GYM ON AN ISLAND SURROUNDED BY WATER POKEMON? THE ANSWER? BLAINE! IDIOT!"
(Ha, I am in my 20's and just realized that)
GIOVANNI, YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE HEARTLESS ENOUGH TO LEAD THE CHARGE WITH THE ELITE FOUR AND BLUE.
(hold on, I only have one badge, are you telling me Blue already has his final team? But its a hack so screw logic for the time being.)
GIOVANNI: YOU KNOW HOW TO FLATTER ME OLD MAN, YOU WANT RED CAPTURED DEAD OR ALIVE?
(I'm wanted... wanted... dead or alive... bring it!)
OAK: GOOD QUESTION. Sigh... IF YOU CAN'T BRING HIM IN ALIVE, BRING HIM DEAD.
(Oak, I thought we were boys! What the hell is this?)
GIOVANNI: DEAD IT IS THEN! WE WILL DIP OUR FINGERS IN HIS BLOOD TO TOAST OUR VICTORY!
(Maybe I should leave the room...)
Well, I did something that made me wanted dead Kanto, though I do not know what. Well, now what? I couldn't surf, so I went north. When I reached Viridian Forest, I was surprised to see an old man that turned out to be Mr. Fuji.
FUJI: RED, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID. YOU CORRUPTED OUR WORLD IN THE GRASS NORTH OF CERULEAN. I UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR RARE POKEMON. BUT 2 OF THE SAME KIND? THATS DOWNRIGHT GREEDY YOUNG MAN. YOU DO NOT USE POKEMON FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL GAIN!
(Uh, what? I thought that was the point of the game! Whatever)
THE KANTO ARMY IS AFTER YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR 2 MEWS! RED! THERE IS ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE ONE! THEY CAN LEARN ANY MOVE!
(Duh, that is why I want 2!)
RED! THEY BELIEVE YOU ARE TRYING TO CONQUER KANTO! YOU MUST FLEE TO HOENN! YOU MUST KILL ONE OF YOUR MEWS!
NOT FOR YOUR SAFETY, BUT FOR HUMANITY'S SAFETY! IF YOU GET KILLED, ANYONE CAN TAKE THE 2 MEWS! YOU MUST KILL ONE OF THE MEWS WHEN YOU GET TO HOENN! YOU HAVE 2 CHOICES: STAND YOUR GROUND AND GET KILLED HERE,
OR RUN TO HOENN AND KILL A MEW. WILL YOU FLEE TO HOENN?
YES NO
Hmmm, since Hoenn isn't a part of Gen I, figured it would be a quick GAME OVER "YAY YOU DID THE RIGHT THING" kinda crap, so I thought I would choose the route of anarchy! Let's go to war!
YES NO (click)
MR. FUJI: MAY THERE BE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL... I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU A PROPER BURIAL.
(Thanks?)
(Spoiler alert, I was half right about choosing YES when I went back to see the other alternative of choosing YES. It was GAME OVER, but Fuji killed me and took the Mews. Horrible ending. But it made sense later. It was to force you to go back and click NO.)
Anyway, back to the war... (I think it is a war)
I checked my team, the Mews were now level 100. Nice. But they were all I had.
Lets see their moves... Psychic, Mega Punch, Transform,
Metronome. Yeah, awesome... the same moves they level up with... I was hoping for a Hyper Beam or an Ice Beam, Flamethrower, Thunderbolt combo but what the hell. Can't complain now.
Since south wasn't an option, I headed north to Pewter.
Text box:
THEY ARE EAST OF HERE. THERE IS ONLY 2 OF THEM: KOGA AND LT. SURGE. WE CAN TAKE THEM OUT NOW AND YOU CAN LOVE US FOREVER!
YES! YES! I AGREE! WE CAN TAKE THEM AND RED CAN LOVE US FOREVER! RED DID ALLOW US TO EXIST! WE OWE IT TO HIM TO DESTROY THE ARMY!
(Okay, so it wasn't God that was talking to me. It was the 2 Mews. And I feel like I am in a relationship that I need to get out of right away.)
I tried going back south.
Text box:
NO! NO! GO EAST!
THIS IS WAR MASTER!
NO ONE WILL SURVIVE!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
JOHTO WILL BE THE NEXT TO FALL...
GO EAST MASTER!
UNLESS YOU TOO ARE A PART OF THE KANTO ARMY AND WE MUST KILL YOU TOO!
(Well I am in a pickle, can't argue with two psychic felines... Two over attached felines... That will kill me if I don't do what they want.)
We headed to Rt. 4 and I saw Koga and Surge close to the Pokemon Center by Mt. Moon.
When they saw me they called for backup and half of the Army came out from Mt. Moon.
The other half followed up the rear from Pewter. Six of them lined up north and south on my left, the other seven lined up north and south on the right.
Oh snap! It's on like Donkey Kong!
The two Mews came out of their pokeballs like Pikachu in Yellow
Text box:
BLUE: RED, RED JUST STOP! JUST SURRENDER! IT'S NOT WORTH IT! JUST STAND DOWN! PLEASE!
BLAINE: TRUE OR FALSE: RED AND HIS TWO DEMONS FROM HELL DIED AT THE FOOT OF MT. MOON.
BROCK: TRUE! I WIN!
BLAINE: ...YES BROCK...NOW JUST PLEASE PROMISE YOU'LL BE QUIET FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.
SABRINA: RED, I AM PSYCHIC. I WILL KNOW YOUR EVERY MOVE BEFORE YOU DO. JUST STAND DOWN, AND HAND OVER THE MEWS.
LT. SURGE: I NEVER LOST A BATTLE IN WAR BOY! DON'T HUNT WHAT YOU CAN'T KILL!
MEW: LEAVE MASTER ALONE!
OTHER MEW: (yea I am not going to call it Mew2 for obvious reasons) YOU CAN'T KILL HIM! WE WILL PROTECT HIM!
SABRINA: SURGE HERE COMES TWO PSYCHIC ATTACKS!
SURGE: ELECTRODE! LIGHT SCREEN!
SABRINA: ALAKAZAM! LIGHT SCREEN!
ERICA: VILEPLUME! STUN SPORE!
BROCK: ONIX! USE BIDE!
MISTY: THERE IS NO TIME FOR THAT YOU IDIOT! HOW INCOMPETENT CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE?!
GIOVANNI: BROCK, WHY DON'T YOU GO COOK US LUNCH?
BROCK: ...okay...onix return...
ONIX: ...roar...
(Damn, they are getting on Brock pretty hard lol. Brock walked slowly into the PokeCenter and everyone,
including Red and the Mews turned to watch him go in. It was a funny sight. When he was inside, everyone turned back to facing Red and the Mews)
GIOVANNI: AHEM... CONTINUE THE SLAUGHTER...
KOGA: GOLBAT! TOXIC!
BLAINE: ARCANINE! FIRE BLAST!
MISTY: STARMIE! HARDEN!
SABRINA: REALLY? GRAB AN APRON TOO, MISTY!
MISTY: I MEANT BUBBLEBEAM! SHIT! I'M SORRY, ITS JUST A HABIT!
LORELEI: LAPRAS! BLIZZARD!
BRUNO: MACHAMP! SMASH!
(Wrong franchise lol)
AGATHA: GENGAR! LICK!
(Where Agatha?)
LANCE: DRAGONITE! HYPER BEAM!
(Didn't see that one coming...)
BLUE: RED, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. I NEED YOU TO KEEP ME STRONGER, BUT YOU GAVE ME NO CHOICE. BLASTOISE (yea apparently his team grew at record pace) ...sob.. BLAS..BLASTOISE! USE... I CAN'T DO IT! WE ARE EACH OTHER'S RIVAL, BUT HE IS STILL MY FRIEND!
SABRINA: YOU MUST BLUE. YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE AFTER ALL.
(Well fuck me. I guess Red is the tool in this game)
GIOVANNI: THAT'S AN ORDER BLUE! OR YOU CAN DIE WITH RED!
BLUE: ...hydro pump blastoise...forgive me red...
MEWS: MASTER! MASTER! WE WILL NOT LOSE!
GIOVANNI: RHYDON! HORN DRILL ON RED!
RED BLACKED OUT!
Whoa, come on! I missed the battle? Well, when the screen came back, I was in the same spot. Only, there were 12 tombstones, and one empty grave. I thought the Mews were going to kill me, but then I remembered where Number 13 was.
Out came Brock from the Pokemon Center
BROCK: LUNCH IS READY! OH, WE LOST... WELL, ARE YOU GUYS HUNGRY?
MEWS: ...
Brock was then flung into the empty grave, and a tombstone appeared where the grave was. Here I was.
At the foot of Mt. Moon. My two demon felines killed the Kanto Army, and I don't know what to do now.
I had no idea what to do now. Then, the two Mews turned to me.
MEWS: MASTER, WE WON! ALL IT TOOK WAS TWO PSYCHICS, AND TWO METRONOMES THAT TURNED INTO EARTHQUAKE AND BLIZZARD! ALL THEIR ATTACKS MISFIRED AND HIT EACH OTHER!
NOT EVEN A SCRATCH ON US!
YES! YES!
WE ARE THE GREATEST TEAM EVER!
KANTO IS OURS!
NOW WE MOVE ONTO OUR NEXT GOAL!
YAY! YES! THE NEXT MISSION!
(Well, and just what the hell would that be? Everyone is either dead or in Johto!)
MEWS: MASTER, WE MUST NOW PART!
YES MASTER! YOU MUST SEND US TO THE ONE THAT THEY BELIEVE IS THE HEIR TO YOU!
HE IS NO MASTER LIKE YOU!
LOOK MASTER, WE SALVAGED A TEAM FOR YOU!
LOOK! YOU WILL BE PLEASED...
(Now I was a little freaked. There was nothing left to do, but I had a level 81 Pikachu, and you can guess the rest)
MEWS: SEND US TO HIM MASTER! WE WILL MEET YOU ON THE MOUNTAIN AND DESTROY HIM FOR YOU! ALL THOSE WHO FLED HAVE NOWHERE TO RUN NOW!
WE WILL START IN OLIVINE AND DESTROY THE PORT!
NEW BARK TOWN WILL BURN!
CIANWOOD WILL WILL BE UNDER THE SEA!
OAK IS HIDING NORTH OF CHERRYGROVE!
HE WILL PERISH FOR HIS SINS!
OOH! WE CAN LEARN PERISH SONG IN JOHTO!
SO MUCH CHAOS!
THEY HAVE NOWHERE TO RUN!
NOWHERE!
THEY WILL BOW TO YOU MASTER!
SEND US TO JOHTO!
HE IS NOT THE ONE TO SUPPLANT YOU!
NO ONE CAN!
YOU FOUND US!
YOU ARE THE GREATEST!
THE STRONGEST!
YOU ARE THE ONE!
YOU WILL LIVE FOREVER!
SEND US TO HIM!
SEND US MASTER!
SEND US!
SEND US!
SEND US!
SEND US!
Okay, at that point, I had enough. I saved and turned off the game. I couldn't take it.
I know that Johto is not in the game. There was nothing left to do. So, I decided to start a new game and not commit any 8-Bit felonies. One Mew this time. I will win the Championship like a man!
I selected NEW GAME.
...
MEWS: NO MASTER. YOU WILL SEND US TO HIM. FIND HIM. LET US DESTROY HIM.
YOU ARE THE ONE.
WE WILL SEE YOU ON THE MOUNTAIN.
HE IS NOT BETTER THAN YOU.
WE WILL DESTROY HIM...
So, I guess based on this logic, there is a Gold or Silver game out there that was hacked this way too.
Since Koga, Lance, Blue, and all the Kanto gym leaders are dead, there must be a game with a Johto filled with refugees of war. Maybe even the Johto Army? Johto/Hoenn/Sinnoh Army? The possibilities...
I quit playing Blue for obvious reasons. I found a copy of Red some weeks later. Funny thing is is that the Pokecenters are still fuctional with only Nurse Joy and the trade lady. I traded the Mews to Red. I put the Mews in the box and then released them. That chapter of my 8-Bit life was officially over. I wanted to see how the rest of the Blue game went without ANY Mews this time. I am going to beat the game like a man. No Missingno, no Mew glitch Pokemon.
When I started the new game, I saw two Mews there instead of Oak.
MEWS: WHAT A WASTE...
WE LOVED YOU...
WHAT A WASTE...
HE WILL KILL YOU ON THE MOUNTAIN...
WE WILL WATCH YOU DIE...
...WE LOVED YOU...
Then Oak came on. And the game went on as normal all the way from Pallet to Mewtwo.
But I still can't stop thinking about one thing...
Is there a copy of Gold or Silver out there to finish the war?