What's one more sin?
For a person who's committed so many in so short a time? You are my only family, Al.
My brother.
And I loved you as a brother should.
But when I lifted your battered blood soaked body from the array something changed. You were so small because your body had not aged. I was sixteen, you were still ten.
They say I was crying.
They say I would not let go of you.
I would not let them put you in the ambulance.
Teacher made me let go. She was the only one I'd listen to.
I don't remember any of it.
She had to hold me back, I'm told, as they loaded you in and sped off.
She says I was hysterical.
Crying.
Screaming.
I'm glad I don't remember.
I do remember sitting by your bed in the hospital.
I kept my hand on your chest so I could feel you breathing.
A week.
You slept for a week.
I never left your side.
You woke up on a Saturday when everyone was there.
The room went quiet.
You hadn't used your voice for nearly 5 years.
"Brother?" you said, your voice a hoarse whisper.
"I'm here." I told you thru tears, "Right here."
And then you looked at me and spoke again
"Is it over?" you asked.
I couldn't talk. I nodded.
"Thank you, Brother." you whispered and closed your eyes again.
It took a year of rehab to get you used to your body again. You had to learn to walk, to feed yourself, even to focus your eyes .
But, it all came back.
We clung to each other during that time.
The shrink they sent me to said it was Post Traumatic Stress and Depression.
I must admit I was not her most cooperative patient.
I didn't want to waste time talking about you when I could be holding you.
That was where the problem was.
No one else saw it.
We could not be separated.
We needed to at least see each other.
We needed to touch each other.
At the age of seventeen I got scared,
You were all I wanted in my life.
You were all I needed.
I had only to hold you close to feel relaxed after a day's work.
Our kisses were chaste.
Never on the mouth.
You are my brother.
On my seventeenth birthday
You kissed my lips
very softly
Hardly a lovers kiss.
It scared me, Al.
Because I liked it.
And when our kisses became less than platonic.
And that night when we shared our first open mouthed kiss.
It scared me.
That's why we had that fight.
I told you things were getting out of hand.
I told you about incest
What it was
That it was against the laws of God and Man
That it was just wrong.
I tried to be the adult.
To be in control.
You did not understand
To you it was the logical next step
No one needed to know what went on behind closed doors.
Who would care?
Who would be watching us so closely?
And since when did Edward Elric start believing in God?
Or the Hell we'd be condemned to?
You cried
You begged
I love you.
I love you, brother.
I held my ground.
I tried to be the adult.
I tried to be reasonable.
But, oh, I wanted to.
I wanted to.
To be naked and have your skin against mine.
What was one more sin?
I wanted it.
Great God in Heaven
I needed it.
The last step.
The final melding of bone and blood and skin
And life.
We needed it
To solidify the bond
To activate what we had begun years before.
I needed you to live
You needed me to live
It was that simple
Yet, I denied it.
Denied you,
You screamed at me
Wished you were still armor
Your hands shook
The color drained from your face
"I hate you!"
The door slammed.
I could hear you running
Running
I reached the street just in time
To hear the scream.
To hear the tires skid on the wet pavement
To hear the sickening sound of your body being hit
I lifted your battered, blood soaked body
You are still so small
I am seventeen
You are sixteen in a ten year old body
They say I cried and would not let you go.
Now I'm sitting in a hospital
Waiting
Waiting for the verdict
Will we live?
Will I be given yet another chance?
My most horrific sin, Al,
Was to refuse your love
To push away what I needed
To be healed
To live
I slump in my seat and feel for the bits of steel in my pocket
What was left of your armor body
With one clap of my hands it will become my deliverance
My final atonement as it pierces my flesh and releases me
Releases me to be with you
Forever.