Queen's Knight of Ni: This is my attempt at a Dear Dad episode of MASH. I think I caught the feelings of the characters alright, but you be the judge. Please review and let me know.
Dear Dad 14
Dear Dad,
Hawkeye here. I guess this war will never end. At least there is no end in sight for me. Not to mention the other hundreds of soldiers we get here. Just the other day we had 18 hours of meatball surgery. Frank, of course, never let's a day go dull.
"How can they expect us to work in such primitive conditions? It's completely uncalled for."
"Frank, it's called the Army, everything is uncalled for." Hawkeye replied.
"Well, I don't think that it's too much to ask to have decent working conditions."
"What do you think the working conditions are at battalion aid, Frank? You think the patients lie on a bed of roses?" MacIntyre said.
"Oh shut your yap!"
"Frank shut up!" Henry yelled. "Now all of you, if you don't learn how to play nice I'll have to put you in the corner."
"As long as the corner doesn't have any wounded in it." Hawkeye said.
The deluges we get here are awful. You almost think that the North Koreans get paid to send wounded. And there again, sometimes I think they actually do. Sometimes their fighting doesn't end at the battle field.
Hawkeye was going down the aisle of the ambulance, which had just parked in front of the hospital.
"Radar, get this guy into pre-op. Start some plasma. This guy has a chest wound get him in before him and hurry it up."
"Yes sir," Radar quickly called two corps. men and got them to transport the chest case.
"What are we doing, working on North Koreans now?" Frank complained. He was standing over a wounded North Korean with shrapnel wound in his leg.
"They're people Frank, let's not forget."
"Well, that's all in the eye of the beholder."
"With you that's really hard to behold."
The North Korean soldier started to come to from being passed out. He reached down and retrieved a knife from his lower leg pocket. He reached up and grabbed Frank by the shirt collar. Pulling Frank down he trained the knife at Frank's jugular vein.
"Help!"
Hawkeye turned around and started to run towards them. The North Korean held the knife a little closer to Frank's neck threatening to slice it if Hawkeye got any closer. Hawkeye raised his hands signaling that he stopped and for the Korean not to Frank a casualty amongst the others.
The Korean started to yell something in his native language. Although Hawkeye still could not speak the language he got the basic idea of what the Korean wanted. He kept a tight reign of Frank's neck and kept on nodding to the open door in the back of the ambulance.
"If you want to go you can. Just let go of the doctor."
The Korean yelled again.
"Okay he's not a doctor, but let him go and you can go. What am I doing, this guy can understand me about as much as I can understand him."
"Pierce, do something. He's going to kill me."
"He might save a few people on this bus doing that." Hawkeye commented to himself.
"Let go of him, and you can leave." Hawkeye repeated moving his hands, trying his best to communicate with the wounded soldier.
Slowly the Korean began to move off the upper litter. He slid off, never letting go of Frank. He stood fine until he tried to put pressure on his wounded leg. When he did he lost control of it and began to fall.
"Ahhhh!" Frank yelled and hit the floor.
Hawkeye rushed and jumped on the wounded North Korean. He grabbed the hand with the knife and held it out of the way so the soldier couldn't cut him.
"Frank grab the knife!" Hawkeye yelled.
"What? But it's dangerous, what if I cut my hand, I won't be able to operate."
"Neither one of us will be able to operate if he gets us both, now grab it!"
Frank reached to grab the knife when the Korean soldier jerked. The knife came within inches of his hand and Frank snatched back.
"That was too close. Too close."
Hawkeye growled frustrated.
"Radar!"
"Yeah Hawk. Oh wow wee! That's guys awake!"
"Good you noticed, now go in there and get me a sedative will ya'?"
"Sure thing Hawkeye." Radar ran as fast as his little legs could carry him into the hospital.
"Somebody help! I need a sedative outside quick!"
"Radar what is it?" Henry yelled.
"Hawkeye's got a North Korean that's gone berserk. He got a knife."
"Hell's bells! Why can't they leave that stuff on the lines? Hells bells this is a hospital. The only people who are supposed to have knives are surgeons."
"Well, nobody told him sir." Radar said.
"Here corporal." Maj. Houllahan handed Radar a syringe will a clear liquid in it.
"Thanks Major." He ran out the door slamming it into Father Mulcahy's backside.
"Oh I'm sorry Father."
"That's alright son. I'll just turn the other cheek."
Radar ran to the bus and stuck out his hand with the syringe.
"Frank get the syringe."
"Right." Frank took the syringe from Radar and tried to stick it into the Korean.
"Frank, just stick him."
"Well, keep him still, it's hard enough handling needles."
"Frank if you don't hurry up, I'm going to give him back your neck. Without the body."
Frank finally stuck the Korean soldier, whose body went limp as he fell to sleep. Hawkeye removed the knife from the Korean's hand and handed it to Radar.
"Radar get rid of this thing. I don't care what you do with it. And have someone check this guy out again, make sure that he doesn't have any more weapons on him before he goes into OR."
"Yes sir."
The excitement never stops. You'd figure eventually one of the mama or papa generals would have to come around and tell us kids to stop having so much fun. I'm coming to you from the mess tent now, the only thing that may win the war, for the North Koreans. The coffee here isn't bad, though. That is if your car needs an oil change. But not everything is bad here. Just the other day we had a rack o' spam. Pretty good substitute for spare ribs around here, when the closest thing to ribs you get is what is shipped in on helicopter or ambulance. It kind of makes you long for home.
"Attention all personnel," the loud speaker began squawking, "Although presented with heavy indifference, lunch is now served."
Well, Dad, I'll be right back, the food is terrible, but it gets worse the longer you wait to eat it.
Sorry Dad for taking so long. We got another delivery from the North Koreans. Funny, they never seem to have a work schedule. I specifically told the Army that I had to have a full lunch hour in order to work. There's got to be some benefits that we get out of working in the cess pool.
I'm back in the Swamp now. Frank is not here of course. He and Maj. Houllahan have been going over the same duty roster for the past three days now. Nobody does enough in this place to have a duty roster. But if we didn't they would have to find something else to "discuss". More about them later though.
Henry has been working really hard lately. In this line of work you have to brush up on as many medical films and magazines as you can.
"Did you get all that Radar?"
"Yes sir."
"Read it back to me."
"Oh uh, yes sir.'To the Tabasco Film Company of Havana, Cuba: Thank you for your most recent shipment, 'Colleen with the Wedding Blues,' and 'Ginger's Day Off'. You will find an enclosed amount of 34.95 for the shipment of 'Marie, Candice, and Monica from what the parrot saw,' and 'Marie, Candice, and the parrot, from what Monica saw,' shipping and handling included. Sincerely Yours...'"
"Oh just sign your name again Radar."
Radar looked up and gave Henry a funny look.
"Well, you know. It just wouldn't look good if... well... oh just sign your name Radar." Radar still kept the same look and finally signed the letter.
"I'll get this in the mail right away sir."
"You do that Radar." Radar stood up and Henry hid the order magazine behind his back.
"That'll be all Radar. Thank you."
"Yes sir."
I guess maybe any film with a certain subject matter can be considered medical material. That would be about the same as Frank and Margarette saying that they have to give each other physicals every other day. I guess that's the only way that anyone can stay fit around here. You definitely can't stay fit with the food and service you get here. Like I said, I often believe that the cook was hired by the North Koreans as a serial food killer. If it wasn't for the fact that he can barely speak English much less speak at all.
With the O.R. jumping, dad, the post-op as usual has been its entertaining self. When these soldiers come in here, they aren't just hurt physically. Most of the time we get some that are really shot to Hell. If Klinger really wants a section eight, then he's got a long line to get into.
Bombs erupted outside.
"Haven't the North Koreans or the Chinese ever heard of a eight hour workday?" MacIntyre asked.
"If I were them I would talk to my union, if they have a union." Hawkeye commented.
Another bomb hit extremely close to the hospital.
"Noooo! Make it stop!" A soldier in a bed near the end of the row covered his head with his arms. Both arms were set in splints and tied down. In a successful attempt to cover his head he ripped the restraints off. Both Pierce and MacIntyre rushed over.
"Calm down. Calm down. You're in a hospital, they can't hit you!" Pierce yelled. They both tried to get the soldier to lower his arms so that they could be set back and ties to his sides.
"Listen, if you don't put your arms down or rip out those tubes then you're not going to need the bombs to die."
The soldier continued to struggle for a little while longer, till the words began to sink in.
"All right, just calm down. We'll have you shipped to Tokyo in a few days, just don't move those arms." MacIntyre said.
"O..okay doc. Sorry." the soldier replied.
"That's okay, you just get some rest."
Pierce and MacIntyre walked off into the office section of the building.
"Did you really mean that they can't hit a hospital?" MacIntyre asked.
"Are you kidding? This is the first time a hospital ever had a big red crosshair for a target. I'm surprised they haven't hit us yet."
"Gee thanks. Now I'm gonna turn out like him."
"Well, look on the bright side. You get to lay in a bed day in and day out with a nurse looking over you 24/7."
"Hey Hawk, that's not a bad trade off. I'm feeling kind of nuts already."
"Hold it. We already have you nut case here and we don't need two."
These kids we get in here go through so much, I'm surprised that no more have cracked then that already have. It seems horrible here, and the battalion aides are worse. We do the meatball surgery. Up there all they can do is pack the meat and ship it. It's really like a butcher shop on both ends. There's no telling what condition a kid will come in with. And the worst part is that you can do anything to save him there. You just have to get him stable enough to travel and hope he makes to a MASH unit or hospital nearby. Unfortunately, they don't all make it that far.
"Attention all personnel, ambulance in the compound."
"Come on Trap, another ball game."
"I vote we throw the game and get some sleep."
"Oh we can't do that. Then what will the U.N. have to bet on?"
"They can hold a betting pool on how long I'll sleep. That ought to keep them busy for another five years or three wars whatever comes first."
"What a great offer. How could they turn you down?"
Corps men were unloading all the wounded soldiers off the ambulance and laying them on the ground.
"Soldier what's going on, why are you moving them out of the bus?" Hawkeye asked when he came out.
"Sorry sir, but we have another batch to pick up from battalion aide. We need to get them off as soon as possible."
"There are more wounded?" MacIntyre asked astonished.
"Yes sir. It's a bad one down there. They just loaded two more choppers and another ambulance; they're already headed this way."
"All right. Thank you Sergeant."
"Yes sir," the sergeant replied presenting a quick salute before jumping back in the driver's seat of the ambulance.
Both the doctors began looking over the wounded soldiers. Accompanying them were Radar, Father Mulcahy, Klinger, and Maj. Houllahan.
"Radar, get a couple of corp. men and get this guy out of here." Hawkeye said.
"What?"
"I said get him out of here, he's only blocking the way."
"But aren't you gonna at least look at him. Aren't you gonna try to save him?" Radar asked almost desperate for the soldier to live.
"There's nothing there to save Radar."
"But, he never had a chance. It's not fair." Radar signaled for two corps men to come and move the litter out of the way, until the doctors could take care of it.
"Great little war we got here huh?" Hawkeye asked.
"I could do with out it." Radar replied walking off towards the office.
Well, dad, I think that's about it. Just remember that I'm doing fine, aside obvious tortures. And hope that you are doing the same.
Your loving son, and unsuccessful draft dodger,
Hawkeye
Queen's Knight of Ni: That's it, hope you enjoyed.