Johnny's Jolly Day Outside His House
By BUNNYGRRL!!! WHOO!!
Obligatory Author's Note: This was a mock submission to my buddy Ent's fanfiction contest. I didn't submit it because I write columns for his website, and I felt it would be wrong to submit stuff. Anywho, JtHM and all other happy comic characters are owned by the lovely man Jhonen Vasquez and SLG.
WARNING: this could very well destroy some brain cells. Don't read it, for the love of god, PLEASE.... (oh yeah, if you see any familiar quotes, know they're there for a reason. It's all part of the submission guidelines: http://www.angelfire.com/weird2/humanscum/contest.html)
One happy, happy evening, Johnny decided to go out into the world, and experience all it's wonder. He came to this decision while yanking out a party clowns jugular vein, oddly enough.
"I've been missing so much!" Nny gasped. "Like... icecream, the laughter of children, clouds, and-and-and... STUFF!!"
Grabbing a rag, Johnny scrubbed away the blood and gore from his hands, and grabbed his coat off a box sitting in the corner. Putting on the coat, he sprang out of the little room deep in his basement, and ran up the dozens of stairs to the main room of the tiny house, leaving the clown to the rats. THE RAAAATS!! He flung open the door, and jumped out onto the stoop screaming, "FLY!!" He then ran down the sidewalk, laughing like a little school girl on spring break.
Reverend MEAT slowly shook his head. "I hate it when he does this..."
~*~
As Johnny merrily skipped through the city, he came upon something peculiar. A petting zoo!
"A PETTING ZOO!"
Yes, a petting zoo. With a squeal of delight, Johnny vaulted over the little wooden fence, making all the animals and small children scatter. He rubbed his gloved hands together evilly, and scanned all the animals. Llama, chicken, duck, sheep... PIG!
"PIGGY!!!"
Johnny tackled the little porker, and began to pet it's fat little head. "Ohh... the piggy is soooo nice..." He closed his eyes blissfully and hugged the pig tight.
"Hey!" a small child with enormous green eyes and blonde hair cried out, pointing at Johnny. "Gimme back my PIG!"
"Opps, sorry. I didn't realize that that was your pig." Johnny pouted, and sat the little animal down. "ALAS!! POOR PIGGY!! SUCH SWEET SORROW IT IS TO BE LEAVING YOU!!" he wiped away a tear, and sprang back over the fence. "WHOOSH!"
Making his way deeper into the bowels of the city, Johnny tried to think of things to do. As he was deep in though, he wasn't really watching where he was going. His eyes downcast, glaring at the sidewalk, he suddenly ran into a rather bright and cheerful cheerleader type thing, which screamed, "HELP ME! I AM A SLAVE TO POP MUSIC! GARRR!" and promptly exploded. Nny giggled to himself, and continued walking on. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant hot air balloon decended from the heavens, coming right for the city. And let me tell you, it was GIANT. I mean, REALLY REALLY BIG. Bigger than... big stuff. All around him, people were screaming, and Nny could think of only one ways to make them stop. He walked underneath the approaching shadow of the balloon, held up his hands, and quite magically.... the balloon exploded. AMA-AZING.
A quiet hush fell over the people, all staring at Johnny. He got nervous, and started to walk away. THEN... a ear splitting cheer erupted from the crowd. Johnny cringed as he was picked up, and was carried through the downtown area on a wave of hands.
"STOP! STOP!" He screamed, terrified. "I didn't expect you, of all people, to act so pathetic. It's like some kind of cheap old black and white movie were everyone is always so touchy feely."
Immediatly, the crowd stopped and groaned. Happy time was over, and their lives were saved. Nny rolled his eyes, and kept walking on. This was a very strange day, indeed. "I feel so violated." he muttered to himself, and watched a parade of ocelots walk past him. "Interesting... what else can that do?" he tapped his chin. Having fun was so much harder than it seemed. He wasn't used to this. Maybe... maybe he could get something to eat. Yes. That made sense. People did that to have fun, didn't they?
"Oh, but there are so many resturants to CHOOSE from." he sat on a bench and thought. "It's been so long since I last ate out. Let's see... There's 'Taco Hell', 'Pizza Rot', 'Muffin Doom'... Heh... muffin... oh! And there's always 'Eat Or Die'." He pouted. "I guess I'll just go to 'Muffin Doom'. They have good... muffins." he sprang to his feet, and jogged down the block until he came to the cutely decorated resturant. He took a seat at one of the outside tables, and waited for his waiter to see him. Eventually, he did, slammed a menu in front of Johnny, and dully said, "Welcome to Muffin Doom where our service is measured by your check. Please make your selection, sir."
Johnny squinted an eye at him, peeved, but opened to menu anyways, deciding to disembowell him later. "Hmm... Ooooo! I like cheese nibbles!" he smiled happily. "That's what I'll have, then. Cheese nibbles and a large cheery fiz-wiz."
"Right away, sir." The waiter said, and dragged himself into the resturant.
Sighing, Nny watched all the people walk by. But... someone was also watching him. There was a girl, not your average girl, a STRANGE girl, watching Nny from the table next to him with binoculars. She had long brown hair, dark blue eyes, and was wearing a pair of baggy black pants with a tiger print shirt. She glared at Nny, gouging his very soul with her eyes. Feeling the icy glare, Nny slowly turned his head to look at her. "Yes?"
"I like your head." the girl grinned.
"Uh... thanks?"
"I've never seen you around here before."
"I'm, uh, pretty reclusive. Don't like people much." Johnny said bluntly.
"Ah... me neither." the girl turned around, and continued to slurp her chocolate shake.
Nny shook his head. PEOPLE. Now he knew why it was wise NEVER to leave ones house. After a few moments, the waiter returned with Nny's food and drink. "Thank you for your order, sir, can I get you anything else?"
Johnny looked down at his cheese nibbles. They were burnt, and reeked of spoiled milk. Not at all inviting. "Mmmm... looks delicious, but I am on a diet. I only eat food that is edible." he said, and looked at the waiter coyly.
"Excuse me?"
"You have some macarroni on your shirt."
Off handedly, the waiter swatted the offending noodle away. "What's wrong with your food, sir?"
"Don't make me use this piece of food to maim you!" Johnny screeched, those old homicidal tendencies kicking in again. "This is disgusting! I SWEAR! I leave my house ONCE, and some total stranger tries to POISON me!!" Johnny huffed, and plopped back into his chair. "It's just not nice."
All around him, people were staring. Including the girl with the shake, but she also had a crazy grin plastered on her face. "WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?!?" Nny bellowed. "He's probably poisoned ALL of you! WE MUST RIOT!!" Johnny jabbed a fist in the air.
"HELL YEAH!!" she girl said equally as loud, and sprang up next to Nny. "The scary dude has a point! This people haven't given us quality service for MONTHS! And that jerk is the main problem! NASTY LITTLE WAITER BOY!!" the girl wagged a finger at the waiter. "EEEEVIL!!"
The crowd murmured in agreement, as the waiter was sweating bullets. "Don't make me get my manager!"
Looking at the waiter in annoyance, Nny turned to the girl and said, "QUICKLY! Find the bacon! It is so vital to our plans!" she nodded sternly, and ran into the kitchen of the resturant, screams and insane laughter following her.
The manger finally came out to see what all the screaming was about. "What's going on here?!"
"Please help me, sir! The customers... THEY'RE RIOTING!!" he pointed at Nny who was leading the rest of the resturant in a chant- 'we want service! we want justice!'
The manger rose an eyebrow, "Never in a million years would I help you, and if a million years ended, I STILL wouldn't help you!" he grinned and joined in on the chant.
Falling to his knees, the waiter said, "I wish I was never born! Wait, I take that back, I wish I was never born here." Right as those words came out of his mouth, and ear splitting screech filled the air. "WHAT! NO FOOD! YOU ATE ALL THE FOOD!" There was a loud CRASH! and the girl with wild blue eyes ran out of the resturant and up to Johnny. "There's no more bacon! NO FOOD!"
Looking grave, Nny said, "Then our plans are ruined. We must run to the hills and never return." the girl gave him an odd look. "Uh... I think I'll just be going home." she smiled briefly, then took off running down the streets. Shaking a fist after her, Nny bellowed, "RUNNING AWAY ARE YOU! Well, don't worry! I will be waiting for you when you get back, and when you do get back, I will be waiting! Wait, that was very repetitive..." he shrugged, and turned back to the crowd. "You can all go now, I guess."
"Can we sing a little song now?" one of the rioters pipped up, the others muttering their agreement.
"Uh... no." Nny said, waved, and made his way slowly down the busy streets of the city.
~*~
"I'm HO-OME!" Nny cried into house 777, flinging his coat onto the couch. "Ugh... I'm never leaving my safe little house EVERY AGAIN." he growled, and flopped onto the couch, landing on something boney.
"OW!"
"Oh... i'm sorry, couch, did I hurt you?" he looked down at the cushion, only to see the girl that had helped him at 'Muffin Doom'. "OH NO! NOT... YOU!!!"
The girl smiled and hugged Nny's legs. "WE'RE GONNA BE BEST FRIENDS!!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
THE END
End Notes: Personally... The only kind of JtHM fanfics I can stand are parody and humor. That's why this is... Humorous and a parody. . Sorry, kids.
By BUNNYGRRL!!! WHOO!!
Obligatory Author's Note: This was a mock submission to my buddy Ent's fanfiction contest. I didn't submit it because I write columns for his website, and I felt it would be wrong to submit stuff. Anywho, JtHM and all other happy comic characters are owned by the lovely man Jhonen Vasquez and SLG.
WARNING: this could very well destroy some brain cells. Don't read it, for the love of god, PLEASE.... (oh yeah, if you see any familiar quotes, know they're there for a reason. It's all part of the submission guidelines: http://www.angelfire.com/weird2/humanscum/contest.html)
One happy, happy evening, Johnny decided to go out into the world, and experience all it's wonder. He came to this decision while yanking out a party clowns jugular vein, oddly enough.
"I've been missing so much!" Nny gasped. "Like... icecream, the laughter of children, clouds, and-and-and... STUFF!!"
Grabbing a rag, Johnny scrubbed away the blood and gore from his hands, and grabbed his coat off a box sitting in the corner. Putting on the coat, he sprang out of the little room deep in his basement, and ran up the dozens of stairs to the main room of the tiny house, leaving the clown to the rats. THE RAAAATS!! He flung open the door, and jumped out onto the stoop screaming, "FLY!!" He then ran down the sidewalk, laughing like a little school girl on spring break.
Reverend MEAT slowly shook his head. "I hate it when he does this..."
~*~
As Johnny merrily skipped through the city, he came upon something peculiar. A petting zoo!
"A PETTING ZOO!"
Yes, a petting zoo. With a squeal of delight, Johnny vaulted over the little wooden fence, making all the animals and small children scatter. He rubbed his gloved hands together evilly, and scanned all the animals. Llama, chicken, duck, sheep... PIG!
"PIGGY!!!"
Johnny tackled the little porker, and began to pet it's fat little head. "Ohh... the piggy is soooo nice..." He closed his eyes blissfully and hugged the pig tight.
"Hey!" a small child with enormous green eyes and blonde hair cried out, pointing at Johnny. "Gimme back my PIG!"
"Opps, sorry. I didn't realize that that was your pig." Johnny pouted, and sat the little animal down. "ALAS!! POOR PIGGY!! SUCH SWEET SORROW IT IS TO BE LEAVING YOU!!" he wiped away a tear, and sprang back over the fence. "WHOOSH!"
Making his way deeper into the bowels of the city, Johnny tried to think of things to do. As he was deep in though, he wasn't really watching where he was going. His eyes downcast, glaring at the sidewalk, he suddenly ran into a rather bright and cheerful cheerleader type thing, which screamed, "HELP ME! I AM A SLAVE TO POP MUSIC! GARRR!" and promptly exploded. Nny giggled to himself, and continued walking on. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant hot air balloon decended from the heavens, coming right for the city. And let me tell you, it was GIANT. I mean, REALLY REALLY BIG. Bigger than... big stuff. All around him, people were screaming, and Nny could think of only one ways to make them stop. He walked underneath the approaching shadow of the balloon, held up his hands, and quite magically.... the balloon exploded. AMA-AZING.
A quiet hush fell over the people, all staring at Johnny. He got nervous, and started to walk away. THEN... a ear splitting cheer erupted from the crowd. Johnny cringed as he was picked up, and was carried through the downtown area on a wave of hands.
"STOP! STOP!" He screamed, terrified. "I didn't expect you, of all people, to act so pathetic. It's like some kind of cheap old black and white movie were everyone is always so touchy feely."
Immediatly, the crowd stopped and groaned. Happy time was over, and their lives were saved. Nny rolled his eyes, and kept walking on. This was a very strange day, indeed. "I feel so violated." he muttered to himself, and watched a parade of ocelots walk past him. "Interesting... what else can that do?" he tapped his chin. Having fun was so much harder than it seemed. He wasn't used to this. Maybe... maybe he could get something to eat. Yes. That made sense. People did that to have fun, didn't they?
"Oh, but there are so many resturants to CHOOSE from." he sat on a bench and thought. "It's been so long since I last ate out. Let's see... There's 'Taco Hell', 'Pizza Rot', 'Muffin Doom'... Heh... muffin... oh! And there's always 'Eat Or Die'." He pouted. "I guess I'll just go to 'Muffin Doom'. They have good... muffins." he sprang to his feet, and jogged down the block until he came to the cutely decorated resturant. He took a seat at one of the outside tables, and waited for his waiter to see him. Eventually, he did, slammed a menu in front of Johnny, and dully said, "Welcome to Muffin Doom where our service is measured by your check. Please make your selection, sir."
Johnny squinted an eye at him, peeved, but opened to menu anyways, deciding to disembowell him later. "Hmm... Ooooo! I like cheese nibbles!" he smiled happily. "That's what I'll have, then. Cheese nibbles and a large cheery fiz-wiz."
"Right away, sir." The waiter said, and dragged himself into the resturant.
Sighing, Nny watched all the people walk by. But... someone was also watching him. There was a girl, not your average girl, a STRANGE girl, watching Nny from the table next to him with binoculars. She had long brown hair, dark blue eyes, and was wearing a pair of baggy black pants with a tiger print shirt. She glared at Nny, gouging his very soul with her eyes. Feeling the icy glare, Nny slowly turned his head to look at her. "Yes?"
"I like your head." the girl grinned.
"Uh... thanks?"
"I've never seen you around here before."
"I'm, uh, pretty reclusive. Don't like people much." Johnny said bluntly.
"Ah... me neither." the girl turned around, and continued to slurp her chocolate shake.
Nny shook his head. PEOPLE. Now he knew why it was wise NEVER to leave ones house. After a few moments, the waiter returned with Nny's food and drink. "Thank you for your order, sir, can I get you anything else?"
Johnny looked down at his cheese nibbles. They were burnt, and reeked of spoiled milk. Not at all inviting. "Mmmm... looks delicious, but I am on a diet. I only eat food that is edible." he said, and looked at the waiter coyly.
"Excuse me?"
"You have some macarroni on your shirt."
Off handedly, the waiter swatted the offending noodle away. "What's wrong with your food, sir?"
"Don't make me use this piece of food to maim you!" Johnny screeched, those old homicidal tendencies kicking in again. "This is disgusting! I SWEAR! I leave my house ONCE, and some total stranger tries to POISON me!!" Johnny huffed, and plopped back into his chair. "It's just not nice."
All around him, people were staring. Including the girl with the shake, but she also had a crazy grin plastered on her face. "WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?!?" Nny bellowed. "He's probably poisoned ALL of you! WE MUST RIOT!!" Johnny jabbed a fist in the air.
"HELL YEAH!!" she girl said equally as loud, and sprang up next to Nny. "The scary dude has a point! This people haven't given us quality service for MONTHS! And that jerk is the main problem! NASTY LITTLE WAITER BOY!!" the girl wagged a finger at the waiter. "EEEEVIL!!"
The crowd murmured in agreement, as the waiter was sweating bullets. "Don't make me get my manager!"
Looking at the waiter in annoyance, Nny turned to the girl and said, "QUICKLY! Find the bacon! It is so vital to our plans!" she nodded sternly, and ran into the kitchen of the resturant, screams and insane laughter following her.
The manger finally came out to see what all the screaming was about. "What's going on here?!"
"Please help me, sir! The customers... THEY'RE RIOTING!!" he pointed at Nny who was leading the rest of the resturant in a chant- 'we want service! we want justice!'
The manger rose an eyebrow, "Never in a million years would I help you, and if a million years ended, I STILL wouldn't help you!" he grinned and joined in on the chant.
Falling to his knees, the waiter said, "I wish I was never born! Wait, I take that back, I wish I was never born here." Right as those words came out of his mouth, and ear splitting screech filled the air. "WHAT! NO FOOD! YOU ATE ALL THE FOOD!" There was a loud CRASH! and the girl with wild blue eyes ran out of the resturant and up to Johnny. "There's no more bacon! NO FOOD!"
Looking grave, Nny said, "Then our plans are ruined. We must run to the hills and never return." the girl gave him an odd look. "Uh... I think I'll just be going home." she smiled briefly, then took off running down the streets. Shaking a fist after her, Nny bellowed, "RUNNING AWAY ARE YOU! Well, don't worry! I will be waiting for you when you get back, and when you do get back, I will be waiting! Wait, that was very repetitive..." he shrugged, and turned back to the crowd. "You can all go now, I guess."
"Can we sing a little song now?" one of the rioters pipped up, the others muttering their agreement.
"Uh... no." Nny said, waved, and made his way slowly down the busy streets of the city.
~*~
"I'm HO-OME!" Nny cried into house 777, flinging his coat onto the couch. "Ugh... I'm never leaving my safe little house EVERY AGAIN." he growled, and flopped onto the couch, landing on something boney.
"OW!"
"Oh... i'm sorry, couch, did I hurt you?" he looked down at the cushion, only to see the girl that had helped him at 'Muffin Doom'. "OH NO! NOT... YOU!!!"
The girl smiled and hugged Nny's legs. "WE'RE GONNA BE BEST FRIENDS!!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
THE END
End Notes: Personally... The only kind of JtHM fanfics I can stand are parody and humor. That's why this is... Humorous and a parody. . Sorry, kids.