I watch him go. It ain't easy. Y'don't hope for these things t'happen. Y'don't expect for your brother to die on your watch, though I s'pose this is Fate's way of sayin' that I messed up some along the way. Good intentions an' hell an' all o' that.

I want to say that I only wanted the best. Only wanted to make things better and maybe easier for everyone else. Back in Cumberland, folks I knew never knew the meaning of kind. At least not when it referred to th' likes of anyone remotely different. After the incident in the mine, there was no other option but to leave when the opportunity presented itself. And so I went an' I left an' maybe he had a right t'find fault in me for passing on what should'a been my responsibility. Didn't think much of it at the time. S'pose I thought he was strong enough -- he'd always had such a big heart -- big enough t'make room for everyone else with some more space left for understanding.

I'd had the same load of responsibility heaped onto my own shoulders after Pa died and I never questioned the way things were s'posed t'be. You do what you can for family. And when you can't do much, you figure out the heck how to do more.

Becomin' an X-Man, fightin' for that dream of a place where you don't need t'be worried of people bein' scared of who y'are just cos you're born with a little extra... I thought that was more.

It doesn't feel like me lowerin' his coffin t'the ground. 's almost as if I'm watchin' from somewhere else. Somewhere there at the back of the crowd, head hung low thinkin' yeah, Samuel Guthrie, you failed him. You failed family.

Can't bring m'self t'look at Ma. Remem'brin' that line from that movie I saw the kids watchin' on HBO. 'bout how a parent shouldn't have t'bury their own children. 'm thinkin' she should be crying more than she is, which is really next t'none. An' it's in that moment I remember what that thing is that I've got my fingers wrapped around, what that weight on my arm is.

I hear 'em all prayin' together. Voices raised, remem'brin' all those who've gone on to what they tell us in church is a much better place than the one we've got here.

I hear 'em. Now if only I could believe it. Cos I don't.

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written to prompt #24 language, for 50 Prompts for Jay Guthrie at soclosetothesun (LJ)

notes: When people think of Jay it's always Julia, his squad (The New Mutants), his former squad (The Hellions) and a couple of other kids he might have interacted with throughout the series. Once in awhile you get writing of him and family -- primarily his mother (canon) and Paige (fanfic). But so little is written for Jay and Sam, possibly due to the awkward nature of their relationship as brothers. So. This is a tribute to that little line that Sam said before he left Xavier's, and language is the prompt due to the nature of the way I've written how Sam talks. Any mistakes are my own. Feedback is much love, kindness is greatly appreciated.

posted to: soclosetothesun & jetass on LJ