Luke Snyder was 100% sure of it!
Senior year of high school sucked.
People who didn't know him might think this simply the typical response of a seventeen year old schoolboy; impatient to sample the delights of adulthood and escape the confines of rules and regulations; bored with Math, History and Physics.
But Luke enjoyed the work. He loved History, excelled at Literary Studies, and was okay at Math. Luke loved to learn.
Only these days learning wasn't the problem, loneliness and rejection were.
Ever since he'd come out to his best friend, Kevin, he'd quickly gone from being 'most popular jock' to the 'butt of all jokes'.
Some friends they all turned out to be!
He was still picking the fruit and vegetable peels from Kevin's latest prank off his jacket when Maddie hooked her arm around his and squeezed, "Come on Luke! Who cares what they think? Let's forget those assholes and grab us a couple of shakes over at Al's."
They reached the main gabled gates that marked the start of Old Towne and Luke sighed, looking dejectedly at the ground rather than at the petite girl latched onto his arm.
Thank God for Maddie! She'd been his life preserver over the past month. Branded a social outcast herself after her crazed sister went on a murder spree, the two of them naturally gravitated together.
Now they shared everything; their lunches, their woes, their homework and until recently, walks home after school and the occasional strawberry milkshake.
But this latest bout of humiliation hit Luke deeper than he was ready to admit, even to Maddie. He thought he was coping well with holding his head high and ignoring the laughs and jeers from his peers. That was until the bucket of peels, stolen from the school cafeteria, landed on its intended target; a.k.a. Luke Snyder.
"They'll get bored of it sooner or later, sweetheart." His mother kept telling him.
And he wanted to believe that. But to look up, banana peel sliding down his face, and to see his ex-friend holding the upturned bucket out the second floor window; laughing like Luke's feelings weren't worth anything; that was the worst kind of betrayal.
That was what really hurt.
It was more important to Kevin that the kids at school still saw him as the jock; knew he wouldn't ever knowingly associate with a gay-boy; than worry about Luke, a friend he'd known since diapers.
Kevin was like a brother to him.
Had been like a brother to him. Past tense.
Luke sighed loudly again.
"Mads, you know I love you right?" he shuffled his right foot morosely back and forth along the ground.
"Why do I feel a 'but' coming on?" She responded.
Taking a deep breath he lifted his head slowly, "But… I really just wanna go straight home today, okay?"
She smiled encouragingly at him, "Okay. I understand. Just remember I'm here for you any time you need. Call me later."
Luke drew her into a friendly hug, "Thanks. You really are the best."
She waved as she left him by the gate and he watched her go until she disappeared down the side road that would lead her home.
Shoulders slumped he adjusted his rucksack, shuffling his feet as he walked.
Barely aware of his surroundings he took the shortcut through Old Towne stopping to view his reflection in the window of Java, the local coffee house. He ran fingers through unruly hair trying to look something near presentable and dropped his gaze to coax his duffle coat button back into place.
"I'll be at the bridge."
Luke blinked; the whispered voice sent a shiver down his spine and made the hair on the nape of his neck stand to attention.
His head jerked up in surprise; eyes locking instantly with sad blue as he caught the reflection in the glass of a taller boy standing behind him. The dark haired boy was strikingly handsome but oddly dressed. He looked like a character from a Charles Dickens Novel; the son of a wealthy banker or merchant.
"I'm sorry, what?" Luke asked; finding his voice and suddenly sweating nervously. He swallowed as he turned to address the stranger.
But, except for a few girls window shopping on the other side of the square, he was alone.
"Hello?"
Quickly he paced to the centre of the square and scanned a full 180 degrees. The tall boy was gone.
"If he was ever here at all!" Luke scolded himself. "Are you really that desperate you're making them up now, Snyder?"
But that didn't explain why Luke's heart pounded in his chest. He closed his eyes tightly, breathing deeply to steady himself. His hands were actually shaking. Something in that other boy's gaze made Luke feel…
"What are you doing here?"
Luke jumped and whipped around at the admonishment.
But it wasn't directed at him.
The urgent voice belonged to the same young man. He was seated with his back to Luke on a wooden bench in the middle of the square while another tentatively took a seat beside him.
"I..." the other boy began.
"My father's meeting me here! I told you we can't see each other anymore!" The boy frantically scanned their surroundings.
"Noël I…"
"Please! You're making this so much harder…"
As Luke watched the scene unfold he was surprised by the sudden crack in his heart at the pain in this boy Noël's voice. It was clear to Luke that what Noël said and how he felt were in direct conflict.
What wasn't clear was why Luke felt so drawn to him; protective of him…
The second boy removed his flat cap to free a mop of familiar looking blonde curls. Luke felt his stomach twist at the sight of them.
No…
It couldn't be…
"I'm leaving." The blonde softly interrupted as way of explanation, nervously bending his cap in his hands. "I… I handed in my resignation and left your father's employment today. I'm catching the next stagecoach to Chicago in two hours time. It leaves from Mill Hill Bridge."
Stagecoach?
What the hell?
The blonde's stark statement cut Noël off mid-sentence and the two boys froze in place, eyes only for each other. A stand-off…
Noël was first to drop his gaze, "I see."
"Please understand. I can't stay… see you every day and not touch…" The blonde reached out but then changed his mind and drew has arms around himself. His face was obscured in shadow, but that simple gesture painted a clear picture of what the boy was feeling.
"What about the horses?" It was a clear attempt to hold onto him. Keep him near. "You love them."
"Yes. But I…"
"Don't go." Noël was shaking his head from side to side.
"What do you expect me to do then?" desperation laced his voice, "Stay? Prepare the horses? Accompany you on rides and pretend that my hearts not bursting open?"
"Luca…"
Luke frowned at the name so close to his own. So much about this other body reminded Luke of himself. Besides his hair the boy spoke like him; used similar mannerisms.
"Watch you marry the girl of your father's dreams?" Luka continued totally unaware of Luke's presence.
"No…"
"No?" Luca asked in a tone laced with mockery.
"I don't know…"
It was a dejected whisper that spoke to Luke's heart in a way he couldn't fathom. He should not have been listening in to a private conversation between two strangers, and yet, somehow Luke felt he belonged there; like he was a part of this too. At least that's what his sudden and elevated emotions were telling him.
Try as he might, Luke could not tear himself away. His feet were firmly planted and he would see this scene through to the end.
He watched Luca flop dejectedly back against the arm of the bench; nodding his head in frustration as well as reluctant acceptance, "You don't know."
"I know we're friends." Noël suggested hopefully.
"Friends?" His voice was heavy in a sudden anger. "Noël! We are somuchmorethan friends!"
"Please, Luca…" Noël begged again but Luca cut him off.
"Were we friends when you kissed me? Were we mere friends when you made love to me in the barn?"
Noël shot up from bench turning so that, for the first time, Luke could see the terror in his eyes as the lamplight illuminated his face, "Quiet! Are you crazy? You know what would happen if somebody heard you! If my father…"
Luca's head dropped sadly forward, "So it meant nothing to you then…"
Noël's breath shuddered and Luke watched his beautiful blue eyes fill with unshed tears. He sat heavily back down beside Luca and stretched his arms forward until they rested inches from touching his companion.
His voice was far softer, serious, as he said, "You know that it did."
"If you really loved me you'd find a way…"
"Luca, it's too great a risk. If my father finds out about this he'll kill you. He'll kill you in an instant and I couldn't…" his voice cracked, "I won't live with that!"
Luca nodded and stood, "Then you've made your choice."
He turned to face Noël and as he did Luke sucked in breath, his lungs burning in shock.
"It's me!" his mind raced, "That's me!"
But he didn't have time to process the thought because Luca said, "I just came to say goodbye."
"Luca wait!" Noël stood too.
"Your father's coming."
Luke followed the boy's line of sight and saw in the distance two older men approaching. One was tall like Noël with sandy hair and Luke felt sure this was his father since the other man was elderly. They were deeply engrossed in conversation and had yet to notice the two broken young men in the centre of the square.
Luca moved discreetly to the window of Java; disguising his curls inside his cap. He stood staring sadly at his reflection in the glass, in the same way Luke had done only moments before.
Noël sent a panicked glance backward over his shoulder, gauging how much time he had before his father arrived. Taking the risk he rushed to stand behind Luca and their gazes locked in the reflection with intensity so deep it forced Luke back a step.
"I'll be there. Later." Noël said simply, "I'll be at the bridge."
Luca continued to stare into Noël's eyes until, almost in perceptively, he nodded.
Luke stood positively frozen in place. Loss, a great disabling sense of loss twisted his insides. He was so wrapped up in it he didn't notice the loud group of school kids until they were surrounding him.
"Hey look!" a boy laughed, "It's the queer!"
"Hey faggot!" another jeered pushing Luke so hard he stumbled backward, "Get out of the way! You're blocking the path idiot!"
The group passed by him laughing but Luke barely noticed them, his eyes were searching frantically for Luca and Noël.
Like a wisp of smoke, they were gone.
The group's voices faded as they disappeared around a corner, most likely heading for Al's.
Luke was once again alone in the silent square. He stood there breathing heavily; unable to move.
"What was that?"
He shivered as a few drops of cold rain fell and tricked down his neck. Lightning clapped, warning mortals below to run and seek shelter but Luke stood firm.
"I'll be at the bridge."
That voice reached down deep inside of Luke; it called to him in a way he had no hope of understanding. Before long he found himself running up the main road leading out of Oakdale; jeans growing tight as they clogged with water and clung to his skin. He splashed mindlessly through puddles; feet growing soggy in wet trainers; powering forward to reach a destination only his sub-conscious seemed to know the directions to.