Brittany has somehow always managed to split you into polar opposites.
She makes you crazy, in a good way. Okay, maybe not good, since every crazy action she brings out is idiotic (not stupid, nothing about Brittany or you could ever be stupid). Breaking up with her? Craziest, dumbest thing you've ever done. (Sometimes, you still cry yourself to sleep).
At the same time, she keeps you saner than anyone else ever could. She untwists you whenever you get yourself tangled up.
You were done with all that. No. That's the lie you've been telling yourself since you broke up with her. Even if you never got back together—even at eighty years-old—you'd never be done with her.
She's more than just a friend or a lover. She's part of you. Dani…you care about her, but you don't love her.
Brittany's right. (Of course she is.) No matter how hard you try, no matter how many girls you date, you will never recreate what the two of you have.
Dani is safer though. Your feelings for her are a shallow pool of water, while for Brittany, they're the ocean.
You want her back. You want to say yes so badly. Your hand hesitated over the send button, ready to call Dani to break up.
You'll manage to fuck it up though. You did with Rachel and god knows you weren't dating her. Instead, you crawled into bed, your thoughts filled with Brittany.
Your chest heaves and your chin dips to your chest. Why is this so hard?
You're a coward, echoes Finn's voice.
Fuck.
You swallow and grab your cell from your nightstand.
"Santana?" Kurt asks, his voice slurred from sleep.
"I'm coming over," you say.
Ruffling from his side, then, "It's two in the morning."
"Don't care."
Your mind is strangely blank when you drive over. (A scribbled note on the fridge tells your parents you took the car in case they wake up for some reason.)
You text him when you get there. You're a bitch, but not a big enough bitch to wake his parents up.
"What are you doing here?" he asks.
You breeze past him and sit on the couch. "I need to talk."
"And this couldn't wait because…?"
"I couldn't sleep."
"Can I get you something?" he asks, even though you're sure he doesn't want to.
You shake your head. "Just sit. Please." He stares at you with an expectant look on his face. You have to say something. Fuck. "Brittany wants to get back together," you say at last.
"Ah. Do you want to?" he asks. You shrug, unsure how to begin answering that question. "What about Dani?"
"I…care about Dani."
"But you don't love her," he finishes. You nod. "Do you still love Brittany?"
"Always."
"Then your answer is obvious."
"I'll fuck it up though," you say. Your nails press into your palms. Kurt takes your hand and unpeels your fingers. You stare at the little crescent marks left behind. "I fuck everything up. Just look at Rachel and me."
He gives a dramatic sigh. "Did you do it to hurt her?"
You wring your fingers together. "No. I thought she'd be happy for me."
"And she should have been."
"I thought she'd be happy that it didn't go to some random, terrible singer or something. I thought she'd like working together."
Kurt nods and leans forward, resting his chin on his hand. "That's why I took your side more than hers in this."
You can't help but smile. You'd be so fucking lost without him. (You're still lost without Brittany.) "Thanks for that."
"Look, Santana," he says, "I really don't see what your problem is. You know what you want to do. You're just looking for reasons not to. Don't play it safe. Love isn't supposed to be."
You're already pulling out your phone to call Dani.
When you walk into the auditorium, you take the empty seat next to Brittany. Hi, she mouths. Hi, you mouth back, entwining your fingers together.
"Really?" she whispers.
You tighten your grip.