You Make My Heart Hurt, a skins fanfic

So…I know I haven't updated my other story for a while, I guess I couldn't 'give my all' to the direction it was going because right now I can't "be happy for love". Love broke me. Or maybe she broke love for me. Either way, it means I can't write a story with a happy ending right now.

So…What if Naomi couldn't be strong? What if she walked away instead?

From Emily's POV.

As usual..

I don't own skins or the characters.

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"Do you even love me? Did you ever love me?"

I can't believe I have said the words as they tumble from my lips. I no longer feel like I know what is real, nothing makes any sense and everything hurts. The last few months have been so fucked up; I never thought we could end up like this. I never thought she could cause me so much pain.

"Of course I loved you. I still do!"

She says the words with such strength and passion, my heart seems to swell behind the walls I put up to try and keep her out. But no matter how high I build the walls or how strong I try to force myself to be, she still hold the power over me. The power to destroy me or save me with a tiny gesture or mere words.

You have to be strong this time Emily, we can't keep going through this. My head screams at me silently and I know its right. For now, briefly it has taken control. It is in control of this situation instead of my heart. I have given her time, so much time and chances to do something, anything to make this right and she can't. Can't or won't? I don't know anymore, I never asked for any of this and I know she didn't either but here we are.

"You love me but you don't want to be with me?"

"It's not like that Emily…."

Her voice trails off, it's not like that yet she has no answer about what it is like? Im not at all surprised by her answer, its much like the ones she has been given me for the last few months, incomplete with no solution or decision from her. I feel like I am balancing on the edge of a cliff, waiting for her to either push me off or pull me to safety but instead she does nothing. She sits and watches and waits, not sure how to deal with the consequences of either action and too scared to do the wrong thing that she would rather do nothing at all. The things I always loved about her are starting to become the things I hate. How is it possible to love someone so completely that, it's almost like your very heart and soul no longer belong to you? Yet at the same time seem to hate them with such venom and passion that you wish you had never laid eyes upon them?

"Just for once give me a straight answer please. I can't keep playing these games with you. It's destroying me"

There are tears flowing steadily from her eyes, for the first time in this whole situation im not doing the same. There are so many thoughts and emotions swirling around inside me that I can't separate. Seeing her cry makes my heart hurt, I want to reach out and wipe the tears that are trailing down her cheeks, and I want to wrap my arms around her and hold her head against my chest, tell her that everything is ok. But I can't. I have been weak enough, ripped myself open time and again and got nothing in return. I force my arms to stay by my sides as I look at her face and wait for her eyes to meet mine.

"I just need more time…"

"More time? You have had months! Months to get over what ever bullshit issues you have and be with me. To give us a chance, I could wait forever and it still wouldn't be long enough for you"

"Please…"

"Just say it Naomi."

"I..I don't want to..."

"You have to. You owe me that much. I need to hear you say the words"

Her eyes close in pain and she looks away from me. A minute or so passes but it feels like hours. The tears seem to flow faster as she struggles to speak, her mouth opens and closes a few times but no words come out.

"I'm…I'm not ready to be with you right now. I'm not ready for any of this..So I'm going to have to walk away."

He voice cracks on the last few words, but I am unable to focus on anything except the words consuming the space around me. Suddenly I feel like I cannot breath, everything is crashing down before my eyes, I feel as though a sledgehammer has begun smashing my body to pieces but I cannot feel it. I cannot feel my limbs. I do not feel like me, I do not feel like anything. Everything I have wanted, dreamed of and believed in has been torn away from me in a single moment. The tiny spark of hope inside me has been extinguished. I never thought I would hear her say those words, I could never say them, and I could never walk away despite the confusion and pain. I have let her put me through so much and why? Because the thought of not being with her is so much worse.

"Em I.."

I put my hand up to stop her. I cannot bare the sound of her voice. I cannot bare to hear how sorry she is. How she 'never meant to hurt me'. Words. Words that now mean nothing. I feel so disappointed that she couldn't be strong for me, that I obviously don't mean enough to her. More than that I feel angry, angry that she could do this to me, angry that I could let her. A few hours ago we were laughing and reminiscing, her putting her arm around me because I was cold, looking at me with such love, all this when she had always planned to break my heart. Giving me mixed messages and false hope right till the end.

"I should actually hate you right now."

"I Know"

"I could be nice and say I hope you don't regret it but I would be lying. I hope you spend every second for the rest of your life regretting this moment."

"I probably will…"

"Don't contact me again. I just can't have you in my life after all this."

I want to hurt her, at least a little. Let her know that this time it's over for good. There are no second chances, no lovers, no friends, no me. I want to make sure she grasps the full extend of what she has done.

"Goodbye Naomi"

I begin walking away from her. I don't know how I find the strength to make my body move. With every step I take I'm waiting for her to stop me, to call out to me and tell me she has made a mistake, instead she just watches me again.

I begin to put the key in my front door when I feel the presence behind me, her arms circle around my waist and she rests her chin on my shoulder. My lips involuntarily curve into a smile as I relax into her embrace. If the world could stop in this moment everything would be perfect. There would be no need to think about what now or what this means. But the world doesn't stop and we stand in the exact same spot as the time keeps passing. She offers no explanation.

"What does this mean?"

I feel her tense at my question and I realize this is just a gesture and nothing more. A silent gesture that she hopes answer all my voiced questions but it doesn't.

"I..I don't know"

I step away from her and put some distance between us. I'm angry again, so angry I want to scream or push her or cry or I don't even know what.

"You can't do that. You can't tell me that all this is over and then stop me from going. You can't put your fucking arms around me and then tell me you don't know what it means!"

The affection was always the easy part, holding hands through the cat flap, stolen kisses where no one can see, lying together and never talking about where it goes from here. Before it gets serious its easy for her, I could never live like that. I spent too long being her dirty little secret, lying about who I am for her. I can't have a future of the same.

"Jesus! Im not a toy that you can put on a shelf while you decide if you want to play with me or not!"

She looks guilty, maybe even ashamed for a minute, but says nothing. That only fuels my anger more.

"You have nothing to say? Nothing to say at all? After everything we have been through? I can't believe I could be so fucking stupid to think we could actually be together, to have something amazing. You make me feel so worthless"

She walks towards me and stands as close as she can without touching me. It makes my mind go hazy, I can't think straight when she is too close. My heart always takes control and I just want to melt into her. Tears are streaming down her face again, it still hurts me but at the same time I feel a sick sense of pleasure. If she even feels an ounce of the pain she is making me feel then im glad.

"Please…Can I just hold you?"

It's such a ridiculous question. Almost like she hasn't listened to what I have said at all. It's also selfish, she is obviously thinking of herself because there is no way that can make me or this situation any better.

"I don't want you to touch me."

I see the pain flicker in her eyes. My voice is laced with such distain it seems to scold her. There is no sound except her muffled sobs.

"Oh fuck it"

As she whispers the words she wraps her arms tightly around me and pulls me into her. I keep my arms firmly at my sides and refuse to return the embrace. I feel nothing with her body pressed against mine, for a second I wonder if all this is not really happening, if im dreaming or watching someone else live my life. Or if maybe in fact hearing her say the words earlier has broken me, made me numb to everything.

Suddenly she raises her head and presses her lips to the side of my forehead, im snapped back to the moment with an intense anger. I push her away with a force I never thought I would direct towards her.

"That was unfair."

"Sorry…"

"Yeah. You keep saying how sorry you are, but it doesn't stop you hurting me does it? It doesn't stop you putting me through this."

She opens her mouth to speak and then seems to catch herself. The word 'sorry' is so imprinted on her mind that she seems to have nothing else left to say.

"Life shouldn't be this hard. Love shouldn't be this hard. I deserve to be with someone who wants me back as much as I want them, I want to give my heart to someone and not be worried that they will break it. Someone proud to be my girlfriend, not ashamed to be with me."

"Em I.."

"Save it. I'm done."

I walk back to my house and put the key in the door, I prolong the process as I listen to her footsteps disappear. When im sure she is gone, when im sure she is not coming back I open the door.

"Goodbye Naomi"

I whisper quietly, my legs turn to jelly and I slide down the wall, I once again have no control over my body. The tears fall for the first time as all the emotions and pain rip into me at once.

Will there be another chapter? I guess there could be but it wouldn't be any happier than this one. I could lead you all into a fucked up trail of where Emily could go from here…But is it needed? Meh. Who knows.