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Jayne stood just inside the doorway to the cargo bay. He had been dreading this moment ever since he had convinced himself it was a good idea. He guessed maybe that just because he thought this idea was a good one because Mal woulda never thought of asking Inara made it brilliant. Of course, he was wrong. Maybe Mal had thought it and had discarded it because it was a bad idea. It was indeed a very bad idea because men like Jayne Cobb, were in capable of correctly courting a woman.
At five, he had pushed Connie Lawson into a mud puddle and ruined her pretty yellow dress because that was what you did when you liked someone, right? You ruin their things. Then he had asked her if he could walk her home. She said no. So, he asked her if he could walk her home the next day. She said no. So, he pushed her back into the mud.
At ten, it had been Francine Collins. She'd had the reddest hair he'd ever seen in his life and he'd wanted to touch it. So to play it off as though he really didn't like her hair so much and he really didn't like her at all, he spent the entire first half of the school year tying her hair to her chair. Then, the day before the holiday break, he gave her a box of candy. She gave him a black eye.
At sixteen it was Leni Cooper. Boy, had she been something to look at. He had done nearly everything right that you were supposed to do. He walked her home, which was awkward seeing as she had an older brother who walked with her. He brought her flowers. She was allergic to them. He bought her candy-the real fancy kind. Turned out she was allergic to that, too. So he bought her a pretty necklace. Gorramit if the girl weren't allergic to that, too. Annoyed that this was his third attempt and it had failed just as miserably, he had grumbled, "Well, Gorram, you allergic to kissin', too?" She punched him right in his smart mouth. He decided then and there that courting was dumb.
Which was why he was so confused about how he had ended up deciding he was going to court someone. He also very confused as to why he was now standing directly in front of the woman he wanted to court. She stared up at him with a blank expression. Good, she wasn't trying to read his mind. He wouldn't be so nervous then. Well, he would be, but he could better ignore it if she wasn't. He ignored the sound of the rest of the crew playing hoop-ball and sucked in a deep breath.
"River," he started slowly, "I was hoping maybe you would allow me to court you."
Her brow puckered in confusion and she bit her lip. He felt himself deflate . Well, it had be an extremely stupid-
"I was under the impression we were already courting," she said slowly, still confused. It was Jayne's turn to be confused. "What? How'd you figure that?"
"You tease me-"
"I tease Kaylee-"
"Yes, but not the same way you tease me."
"I do, too."
"You tied my hair to my chair." She rolled her eyes when he blushed slightly. "Also, there was the piece of chocolate you put under my pillow that melted so I didn't get to eat it-"
"That wasn't me," he argued and she gave him a knowing look. "Then why did my room smell like gun oil and cigars?"
"Still don't mean it was me." He hadn't realized the chocolate would melt. She smiled up at him. "And then the lily sitting on the table in the mess last week."
"I don't give flowers ta crazy girls." He crossed his arms and turned away slightly. She smirked. "You do, too. You were very upset when you found out I was allergic to lilies."
"Why would I be upset about you bein' allergic to some yu ben duh flower?"
Her smile broadened and she stepped forward. "Should have gone with your first instinct. Roses are not too romantic and I am not allergic to them."
He snorted and then jumped slightly when she stood up on one of the crates and leaned in close to him. "Well?"
"Well what?"
"Statistically speaking, after this amount of time-though in all reality it has been longer than in most cases-the parties involved in courtship kiss." His eyes widened at her words and she leaned closer. "On the mouth."
"You want me ta kiss ya," he asked slowly and she nodded. "Very much so. People who have courted not even half as long as we have have already moved on to copulation."
"Copu-whata?"
"Sex."
He gaped at her and she frowned. "Jayne Cobb, I have been waiting for almost a year for you to kiss me. Why is it taking you so long?"
"I ain't no good at this courting thing," he admitted, kicking the crate she stood on. River flicked her eyes over his shoulder to the rest of the crew. No one had even noticed that Jayne and River were talking instead of arguing. River looked back to Jayne, smiling beatifically at him and threw herself at him. Being that he was a man of instinct, Jayne automatically reached out to catch her, inadvertently pulling her closer. Jayne opened his mouth to ask her what in the sphincter of hell she thought she was doing exactly and was again caught completely off-guard when River pressed her tiny pink lips to his. It took him several seconds for his brain to register River's lips against his and when he finally did and started to respond his brain finally registered that several people were yelling.
"Get off of my sister!"
"Jayne, quit touchin' that little girl."
"Aww that is just so...shiny!"
Jayne pulled his head around to look at them slowly. Maybe he should have waited until he caught River alone to talk about the whole courtship thing. Mal was hollering about how he was going to the special hell by way of the airlock. Simon was cradling his head in his hands, which was an odd reaction as Jayne had figured Simon would have come after him with a scalpel- something was moving its way across his face-something soft. He turned to look back at River, who decided the best way to fix the situation was to kiss him silly. She giggled against him as she placed butterfly kiss after butterfly kiss on him. Jayne harrumphed at Mal, agitated that though Mal could clearly see River was kissing him, he was being accused of doing something improper. "We was courtin' so I kissed her."
"I kissed you."
"Same thing," he snorted and clenched his jaw. "You got a problem with it, I don't care. You can't tell me I can't do it again."
"I can, too," Mal argued. "No touching River!"
"Unless it's Jayne," River said softly and Mal nodded. "Unless it's-wait what?"
"I wanted Jayne to kiss me," River said slowly, as if she were talking to a small child. Simon pinched the bridge of his nose. "This is not happening."
River glared at her brother's bowed head, but did not respond to his comment. She smiled at Jayne as she wiggled free from his grasp. "Don't forget what I said about roses," she sang as she skipped off toward the mess. Jayne's jaw dropped. "You tellin' me that's all the kissin' I get?"
Her only response was a giggle and Jayne kicked the crate again, harder than before and glared at Mal. "Courtin' is dumb. I ain't doin' it no more."
There was a rose waiting for River in the mess a week later.
A/N: figured since it's taking me longer to write chapters I'd give you this to tide you over for a bit. hope you enjoyed it.