Got this idea while reading the book "Th1rteen R3easons Why", which was... amazing, spectacular, and blew my mind. A must read, I suppose. I wasn't really sure what pairing to make this, though. RinxLen? Got enough of those. MikuxKaito? I use them a lot in my RinxLen fics. TetoxTed? Not the type... and so on. And then it hit me: MikixPiko! And, I could see it perfectly. So, please give this a shot, neh?
Disclaimer: Not mine.
I slowly watched the trail of water slid down my arm, down to my hand. The water was cold, I supposed, but I could barely feel it. Apparently trying to wash your sorrows away doesn't really work. I still felt pain. I still felt nothing else besides it.
It hurt. If someone had decided to cut me into little pieces, and then turn me into a smoothie, it would have hurt less, I suppose. A little graphic, but whatever. I have more important things to do besides allowing my imagination to run wild.
"Piko?" My mother called from outside the door, and I mechanically turned my head to stare at it. Instead I ended up staring at myself in the mirror. Wide, vacant red eyes. A blank expression. Wet, white hair. "Piko, honey, it's been an hour. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I replied, but I didn't really hear myself. I was numb; I couldn't feel a thing. "I'll be out in a second." With that, I turned the shower off, and climbed out, drying and dressing myself as I went.
In my room, I went to my desk, where an unopened envelope sat, my name written in curly letters on the front. A plain, white envelope, yet just looking at it filled me with dread. I sigh.
I open the envelope, tearing it open. I never really did have much patience for opening things, and envelopes are probably the worst, so I don't even bother. I slide the pages out, and then lay down on my bed, my back aching, my chest hurting. Every part of me felt sore.
To whom it may concern:
Yes, this is my suicide note, as well as something I wish to be known to the world. Not my story- not, I would wish to keep it as private as possible, I suppose- but the pain that one feels so much that they become driven to much a small corner... where nothing else matters now. To where they wish- no, to where they crave death.
I trace the word 'death' with my finger.
It is also, however, my way of making the people who caused me to commit suicide feel guilt.
Scratch that.
They didn't cause me to commit suicide. That was of my own free will. But, they might as well handed me the pills with a simple glass of water.
Betrayal.
Disappointment.
Pain.
Loneliness.
I'm not sure if anyone really wanted this to happen, but, then again, who can be sure? I'm sure I'm such a terrible person... At least, in there eyes.
Miki, you were a lot of things. You were energetic, for a time, and I do remember you loving the world at point. And then the rumors began spreading, and then you retreated into a little shell, snapping at anyone who would even try to open you up. I know this because I tried multiple times.
I don't understand, though. Why give up? I would have more than willingly caught you with open arms, would have helped you through anything you needed. We were friends- and I do admit, I liked you a lot more than I put on- and had plenty of room to get closer.
This is also where I will write my story, write directly to the people who made me feel such deep pain. Then I'll copy and send out all of these letters to those who were directly involved. If you got this, you were probably somehow a cause of my death, intentional or not.
I'm not so sure about that. We've been friends for years. Pain... I don't understand what I did wrong.
So, let's start with you, Miss Rin Kagamine.
I was best friends with you, yes. You, the nerdy, otaku girl. Me, the popular, outgoing done. I don't mean to sound full of myself, that's just the way it was. When you told me that you had began dating Len Kagamine, the boy of your dreams, I was overjoyed. You never told me it was supposed to be a secret, however. So when I told the other girls in passing, I had already assumed that they knew. I didn't mean for you to get picked on, I swear. But, you didn't believe me.
Imagine my pain, when the next day, you were standing with those very same girls that had claimed to be my friends.
Imagine my pain, when you smiled and laughed with them when they called me a 'Stupid Goody-Two Shoes, who's really a slutty whore.' Exact words, I kid you not.
And, thus my world began falling apart.
*Flashback*
"She's so small and fluffy and cute and adorable and amazing and cute and small and fluffy and adorable and-"
"Len, shut UP!" I screamed, trying to prevent my friend from ranting till the end of the world. I then sneezed; getting sick around this time of the year is such a pain in the ass.
"But she's so cute," Len said while slapping his cheeks with his hands and wiggling back and forth like the little fanboy he is. "Rin is just- AHHHHH!"
"Good. Vent out all of your emotion happiness," I said while soothingly patting his back, before going into a coughing fit, all that gross phlegm and shit coming up. He looked at me, burst into emotional fan-boy tears and began laughing, too busy to notice my degrading state of health.
I'm sure you're wondering about my friend's sanity. I've already at him checked out, and he's clear: not mentally insane. Yet.
"OH MY GOSH! THERE SHE IS!" Len screamed while pointing down the hall before taking a deep breath. We walked passed Rin without a second glance- Rin didn't want people to know she and Len were dating because she was afraid of getting bullied. She had stressed this point a lot to us to keep it a secret, and we had both agreed.
School ended and Len went home with Rin (secretly). I saw Miki walking, and decided to join her.
"Hey," I said, moving my bag so that I held it over my shoulder. She shyly glanced at me and smiled.
"Hey, Piko. You know the news?"
"About?"
"Rin and Len?"
"Ye- ACHOO!" Urg, spit flew everywhere. "I mean, yes."
"Bless you," Miki said while handing me her handkerchief. OMG, anime scene!
"Thanks," I said while blowing into it. "I'm really happy for them. Like, really, really, really happy."
"Agreed. Rin's overjoyed; she's liked Len since the sixth grade."
"Really?" I asked, surprised. "Piko's liked her since fifth." We looked at each other and laughed before I fell into another round of coughing.
The next morning, my temperature was too high, and my mother deemed me unfit to go to school.
I now regret this. Maybe if I had gone, I could have somehow stopped the rumors.
The day after that, I walked into the hallway, all happy that I had finally recovered (mostly) from my cold. In the halls, I remember looking at Miki, but she quickly looked down before I could really see her, and walked away quickly. I scratched my head, but didn't think too much of it at the time: girls. They have their mood swings, and it's best not to intervene.
Now, of course, I know that the bullying had started the day I was sick. And Miki was too ashamed to look me in the eye.
What I thought then? Hormones.
At this point, I got off my bed and out of my room. It was too suffocating to be in there, too much. I couldn't breath. Instead I grabbed Miki's letter to the world, and walked to the local park, where I had first meet her.
It was a nice day, I suppose, but that just pissed me off.
I want it to rain.
Truthfully, though, I love rain. However, it's usually associated with pain and depression... at least in the movies.
It was as if the sun was mocking me.
Perhaps this is how you felt when I stood with my ex-'friends.' I don't know. I do know, however, that if they ever even tried to pick on you, I would immediately force them to stop. Apparently we can see who the more loyal friend is.
I was still there for you, Miki. You didn't have to take those pills. You didn't have to end your life.
Person number two! You're story is a little longer, don't you worry.
My first kiss?
Check.
My first love?
Yup.
My throat tightens in jealously.
How about the one who betrayed me?
You know that I'm taking to you, Kiyoteru.
Although most of you know im as Hiyama-Sensei.
"WOW!" I'm sure you're saying. "A teacher? Miki really was a slut!"
Yeah, no.
Try I had a slight crush on him (like most girls. Seriously, he's hot), and he used that to his advantage.
A teacher. Yeah. Who knew they could be cold, cunning beings like the rest of mankind.
I stop there and look around, totally confused.
Kiyoteru Hiyama? I've never heard anything about him before. Not him and Miki.
I wasn't actually seriously after you, Kiyo-kun, of course. I knew the age gap, knew that I didn't know anything about you. It was just a silly little crush, the one that everyone has on that hot, older girl, or that nice, gentleman guy. Not serious, just something to giggle and gawk at to yourself or with your friends (when you still had them).
The scene: tutorials after school.
I walk up to Kiyoteru and ask a simple question. Do you remember? My exact question was: "If you were to mass the reactants before the reaction and then the mass the product after the reaction, what would you expect to find? Why? How is this related to balancing your equations?" You smile at me and explain the question, nice and easy.
So far, so good.
Now, I'm not the type to blush easily, or give flirty looks. I have no idea what gave me away to you, Kiyoteru, but something did, and you figured out that I liked you, or at least your looks.
And, somehow, you ended up kissing me.
Anger and jealously burns through. What the hell was she doing with a asshole like him?
It lasted a second, maybe two, but I was in shock.
A teacher, of all people, putting moves on a student. Not sure, but I think that's not allowed.
Anyways, you held a finger up to his lips after you pulled away, and I raced out of the room.
A small, meaningless crush turned into something much, much more.
Our relationship wasn't anything. Hold hands when no one was looking, exchanging emails (using your personal account, of course. Not teacher one). Little things, but they gave me such thrills.
Envy burns through me.
Little perks to my days of hell.
Your downfall was, Kiyouteru, that you didn't know what my family business was.
You know that bar, Sakine's Bar? Run by Meiko and Meito Sakine, the married couple?
Yeah, guess who's parents they are?
You didn't pay much attention to those things we have to turn in the school at the beginning of the year, or talk to them much, did you?
Dumbass.
Anyways, I sometimes would help my parents out for some extra money. Sure, they hated me with passion, but the pay was nice, so I would work behind the scenes to accomplish the things they didn't want to do: taking out the toilet, throwing away the trash, things like that. And, by the end of the night, I would have earned 20 dollars and a "Now get out of my sight, trash."
Normal day, all's good.
Another scene: You and your buddies sitting by the bathroom's, laughing about something I still don't know, nor ever will. Me, gathering up the courage to walk past so that you can see me. And, right before I finally do, I hear my name:
"-Name's Miki, I believe," you say. I blushed (yeah. I actually blushed), and scooted a little so that I was in the women's bathroom, but left the door open so I could ear. It was hard, over the music, talk, and loud laughter, but I managed. I'm quite stubborn.
"She's a pesky, pathetic thing, that one."
"What?" I remember thinking. "Did I somehow miss something?"
"I saw her bullied, and decided to try to raise her morals a little. Cheer her up a bit," Kiyoteru said while taking a deep sip of his beer. I gulp a little, and feel a growing knot of anxiety in my stomach.
"You didn't have to kiss her," one of his friend's say.
"I didn't mean to. My head was being supported by elbow, which was on a piece of paper, and I slipped. My lips touched hers for a couple of seconds before I pulled away. I would have said something, but her expression was so happy... It couldn't hurt, I suppose."
"Yeah, but what about Lily?"
"Lily's chill, man. One of the reasons I fell in love with her; although, she didn't know the full details of the whole 'relationship...'"
"Just one of the advantages of having a hot, awesome, not to mention clueless, wife."
"Indeed. My wife is perfect," you said earning a laugh from your friends and some weird noise emerging from me.
Oh my fucking God.
An odd, high pitched noise escapes my throat as I stare at the letter, my hands shaking violently. People stare at me, but I don't care.
Agreed, Miki. Oh my fucking God indeed.
You "went out" with an asshole for no reason. You didn't even like him that much, not at first. I wouldn't have done that. My feelings were- are, still- real. Very real.
And, although I would support you, I would date you because I liked you, and wanted to be serious about you. Not just to help raise your morals.
I remember holding back tears before bursting into a run, in front of the entire bar- I had to pay for that with my parents later- in front of you, Kiyoteru.
What's the worst part, do you think?
That's right: he didn't acknowledge of apologize about what had happened. What our "relationship" was... it was over. And I was more than happy.
"Piko," I hear a dull voice say, and I look up to see Len staring at me with blank eyes. His eyes look at empty as mine are.
"Len," I say, my voice tight. I try to not to feel like it's his or Rin's fault, but I can't; I'm glaring at him with all I got. He sighs and sits down next to me on the bench. We sit in an uncomfortable silence, and I want to get up and walk away. Instead I say:
"You're girlfriend's an asshole." My words are bitter, filled with resentment at him, the world, the situation, and, fuck it, if there even is a God, at Him, too.
Why let Miki do that to herself?
"Shut up," Len says in a low voice, and I stare at him.
"Or what?" I challenge. "She is, and you know it, judging by your expression."
Len grabs onto my shirt and pulls me in close. We glare at each other. "I think you're missing a few details, Piko," Len says, spitting every word out. "Rin's family is in heavy debt. Like, it's unimaginable. That's how I meet her: at her part time job."
"So?"
"They needed money, Piko, and those girl's were offering."
My eyes widen slowly and I stare at him.
"They bribed her to take about Miki in those ways? Why wouldn't she just say no?" I ask in astonishment. Just another way that Miki's suicide could have been prevented.
"I told you: her family's in debt. She regrets it now, of course- she's in a terrible state- but at that time, the bills had begun coming in, and they had no income. Rin was doing what she had to to take care of her younger siblings, which she has four of, by the way." He let's go of my shirt, stands up, and shoves his hands into his pockets. "That's all I wanted to say."
Now it's your turn, Hatsune Miku and Luka Megurine.
The perfect duo: prettiest in the grade-
Not even close, Miki. There's a certain redhead I know- knew, and she would shine even brighter than the sun.
-Smartest-
I actually remember you getting ranked higher. Just another thing I noticed about you.
-Hot boyfriends, Kaito and Gakupo-
I'm hotter. Or, at least I think I am.
-And, don't forget, the talent to sing and make awesome lyrics.
Lyrics that, oh look!, where originally written by ME!
"For a Dead Girl Plus"- I wrote those near the end.
"Give Me Pain"- well you can figure that one out.
"Corruption Garden"- after playing some Final Fantasy.
"3331"- after the whole Rin incident.
...
...
...
And, "Freely Tomorrow." Meant for a silver haired boy I had recently meet and probably wouldn't know because I knew that I was most likely nearing the end.
My eyes widen slowly. She couldn't... no, of course not...
It was one-sided, I'm pretty sure. I had sent a letter, she never responded.
I wasn't actually thinking about suicide, no, but some part of the... I knew.
Of course, there were more songs, but I figure that I shouldn't bore you with a list of songs that mean nothing to you.
I would want to know. I wanted to know everything about you.
Now, I'm sure you two didn't think it was a big deal. Take the songs from the new school slut, and she won't notice! She's too busy having boys fuck her to notice anything besides getting into bed with a different guy every night.
For the record: I'm virgin. I will die virgin.
Oh, and guess what else?
I poured my heart and soul into those songs. I'm portrayed through those songs in every single way possible. Even the stupid one about vegetable juice holds some deeper meaning. Those songs were my diary.
Time skip: the next day. I'm casually walking through the hallways, shivering under the harsh glares being pointed in my direction, trying to cheer myself up. It's all good, Miki. All good.
Except it wasn't.
On the announcement's guessed who sang my song and instantly became number one?
Thanks, Luka.
Sure, it didn't sound the way I had imagined, but those were my fucking lyrics, and you had no right to take them. To laugh at the ones to didn't understand, to get complimented on the ones you sung to the school. You two...
Those songs were my safety net. They were meant to be a secret, to be my way of relieving stress.
Now, I'm sure you're thinking, reader, "What's the big deal, Miki? A couple of lyrics... you could have written more."
Well, no. I couldn't. Perhaps I seem mentally insane to you, perhaps I am, but that wasn't possible. Once one had been read without my permission, it was like someone was looking straight at my soul, like anyone could just read it.
So I was exposed completely.
"Piko, what are you doing here?" A voice behind me asks. I turn to see a girl- Neru- and frown at her. I'm standing in from of Sakine's bar, too afraid to go inside. Not because I'm underage, but because I'm going to see where a now dead girl lived her life. I'll break down, for sure. So I don't go in.
"Neru?" Another person asks, and suddenly Dell's here. He's about to grab her hand when he sees me, and the cigarette he was smoking drops out of his mouth.
"P-P-Piko," he says, his eyes dropping down in... in what seems to be guilt?
"Neru, Dell," I reply, nodding my head. They're said to be the delinquent couple, but I don't know much about them.
"Here for Miki?" Neru asks. I look at the floor, neither confirming nor denying. "Well, we'll be at the park... Don't... Um, if you need something, we're there," Neru says before they leave. I nod my head before sitting on the curb and unfolding Miki's letter.
Last person before apology time.
I gulp. If I got this letter, than it leaves me, right? But... I don't remember doing anything to Miki. Then again, it could have been unintentional.
Now, there are a lot more people who contributed to my depressed state. The rumor spreaders, gossipers in the hallway, pointers, all of them. The entire school, basically. This is just me telling you about the main people.
And that leaves... you, Piko.
My heart skips a beat.
Although, this is a little... misleading is the word, I suppose.
Piko, you didn't spread rumors, nor did you intentionally hurt me, I don't think.
I suppose it was just your rejection, or lack of showing any sign about the letter is the reason why I began feeling so lonely.
Letter. What letter?
It's not your fault, I swear. It was silly of me to think that you would want to go out with the school slut... I just want to thank you for everything, really. I know that you may not have liked me, but I did like you. Kiyoteru... like I said, at the beginning it was nothing.
So, I want to say this one more time:
I like you.
A lot. More than anything, or anyone. Not my own parents, not my so called friends. Everything about you drew me in. Everything. Your eyes, your personality, everything.
But, you can burn the letter. Don't worry, I won't take it offensively.
She likes me?
She likes me?!
I mean... she liked me.
At this point, I can feel the tears, the howls wishing to come out as I reread what she wrote.
Letter. What letter?
I sprint home as fast as I can go, tears streaming down my face. I ran past my mom, ignoring her greeting, straight into my room, and tear it apart, trying to find a letter, Miki's letter.
I find nothing.
I race back down the stairs to the garage, where we keep the mail, the trash, anything.
I find nothing. Finally I collapse onto the floor and bury my head into my knees, allowing the sobs to come out.
A lost letter... I'll never read it.
It could have saved her.
I could have had her.
Now to the apologies:
Rin: I'm sorry. I'm mad at you, but I'm sorry as well. I told everyone something you didn't want anyone to do and ruined a friendship that should have lasted a lifetime.
You didn't, you didn't. You'll never know.
Rin was just protecting her family.
I gently rock back and forth on my room floor.
To my parents: I'm sorry. Not for committing suicide, like most people would say, but for being such a terrible daughter. I know I must have been a bad daughter, and this hurt your reputation big time. I don't know about your feelings to me... and I don't know mine to you. Did I love you? I have no idea.
To Piko:
I cover my eyes with my fingers, but end up reading the letter through the gaps.
I'm sorry. My feelings must have burden to you, but you never showed it, even after the letter. Thank you. And, I'm sorry for being a coward and having Dell deliver the letter instead of doing it myself.
Dell.
Everything clicks.
I rush out of my room, out into the street, ignoring oncoming traffic. Cars swerve around me, honking and yelling insults but I don't stop running until I reach the park.
I finally see Neru and Dell together on a blanket, making out, but I don't care. I grab him off of her, and pin him up against the tree.
"Letter. What fucking letter?" Dell stares at me in shock, but I see understanding dawning behind his eyes.
"Piko-"
"Don't you fucking 'Piko' me you son of a bitch. Give me my letter now," I roar, and with shaking hands, Dell reaches into his back pocket with shaking hands and hands me a piece of paper.
It crumpled a little, but I don't care. I rip it open and begin reading.
Piko...
I like you.
I'm already being a coward by making Dell send this, so I figured I should just say it.
My hands begin to shake.
Just being with you makes me happy. I... I feel good around you. I'm not a good person, I don't think I am, but... I hope you accept me. I really like you.
Your words make me smile, your smile makes my heart flutter. I like being around you, so much I can barely contain my happiness. I'm the supposed school slut, but I swear it's not true... Take me, if you will. I'll be behind school at 7:00 tomorrow, waiting for my answer. If you don't show up... I get it, don't worry. I'll be out of your life soon.
She was already thinking about suicide by this point.
With much... much love,
Miki.
I stare at the letter- short, simple, straight to the point- and my hands begin to shake. I can feel Dell and Neru's stares but I don't say anything.
"Piko?" Neru tries gently, but I still don't say something.
Instead a hysterical laugh releases from my system, and once I start, I can't stop.
I can't believe it. She liked me, I liked her, I could have saved her, I could have saved her!
I didn't have to lose her.
She didn't have to leave me.
My laughs turn into moans, and then into sobs.
We should be together. We should be together. We should be together.
Various thoughts- some suicidal, some practical- run through my head. I know I'm not going to do any of these things, but I still imagine myself.
I think of her as my sobs quicken. I can barely breath, barely can feel anything other than this pain.
The sky suddenly starts crying with me as I let out a blood curling scream- of sorrow, pain, of the loss of losing the one you love because of such simple things.
Done.
Okay, the ending... I like it, but I don't know about my readers. Comments?
Next, I say "You" instead of "Miki" a lot (although not all the time) in Piko's view because it's just... right to me. Yeah.
REVIEWS! Was it terrible? Angsty? Not enough angst? I would love feed back (and reviews!)