Hey just wanted to write a short series on minecraft, and I haven't tried my hand at writing humor before. And yea the summery is kind of bland but I'm not very good at those things.
Parts are based on things that happened to me in minecraft, others not so much.
If this does insult your taste in humor, please refrain from pelting the narrator with eggs.
+ I completely forgot to add but I might as well add it here. I'll be updating every other day during weekends, and double that time during weekdays.
Day 1
Pith steps over the threshold into the new biome and shakes as the snow falls on him, wrapping his arms around himself as the cold settles in. The pine trees above him creek in the wind as if whispering about the new arrival.
'Of course I start in a snowy biome, couldn't I just get a nice warm one like last time?'
He walks past the trees towards what looks like open lands and as he crashes through the branches he stops in his tracks.
His vision opens up to a vast plain coated a solid white as far as the eye can see, while here and there flowers and trees pop up to break up the snow. As the snow begins to fall everything grows quiet and still save for the snowflakes drifting slowly to the ground. He spots two cave entrances close by, each shallow but gleaming with coal.
'Well, maybe I could get used to this place,' he thinks to himself.
He looks up and notices the sun is already at the midpoint, and he runs back into the forest to get his shelter ready.
Day 2
As the sun rises Pith walks outside and admires his new home. Ok so the half snow, half pinewood shack was built in a bit of a panic, but it's not bad for a first house, and the snow keeps the inside warm. What more could a knight want? Besides horses, armor, retainers to do the grunt work… but besides that the place is perfect.
Admittedly at first the thought of moving out of the warm woods and fields into the tundra seemed a bad idea, but the unbroken blanket of white was starting to look nice now. He stops to measure out a low hill for the foundations for his home but he doesn't hear the snow churning behind him. Not until the creeper's warning makes his body stiffen,
"Tissssk"
Pith jumps forward on instinct, and just barely clears the explosion that sends snow and dirt flying around him. With the world spinning he stands up and makes sure nothings broken.
"That was close but looks like you failed sir cree-,"
Sir Pith stops in his tracks, the place where the creeper exploded left a hole in the ground, a hideous, malformed scar on the landscape.
He runs back into his cottage and returns with stacks of dirt. He jumps into the pit and lays down the dirt to fill it in.
'Got to fix it, got to fix it,' is all that goes through his mind.
He doesn't notice the second creeper until it pokes it's head over the rim of the hole and jumps down.
"Tisssk"
He looks up and meets the creeper face to face, and runs away clambering up the side of the pit. The explosion hurls him clear of the pit.
Pith picks himself up and checks himself over.
"Right still got half my hearts left," he says to no one.
He turns to survey the damage, and after he starts placing down blocks he stops. Two dirt blocks and five blocks short of refilling the pit.
"Why… just why can't we have even lawns,"
Day 2
Pith grunts as he pushes against the door to his shack shoving the snow aside. A snowdrift slides from the roof and into the back of his shirt.
"Damn it that's cold!" he yells and runs into the open to shake his shirt out.
He hears footsteps crunch the snow, and draws a stone sword, looking around in a panic.
A sheep munches on grass beneath the snow a few blocks away from him, and he lets out a sigh of relief. After surviving those two creepers yesterday the last thing he needs is another surprise explosion. He stops by the foundations of his hall, at the moment just a cleared field of dirt and a cobblestone foundation, and a chest and workbench. He sorts out his gear and pulls out his stone pickaxe. He walks around his house and finds the cave runs close to the base of the house, it wouldn't be surprising if there is a cave system further down.
The path splits in two and he takes the the left. Inside he finds the path leads back outside in a shallow valley. He turns back and goes down the second path, and finds a honeycombed cavern. A path leads down to tunnel that cuts the room in half though he can see another tunnel across the gap that leads north. He digs his way into the wall and sees iron glittering in the wall. His eyes light up as he clambers towards the iron, and takes a quick look around before forging a stone axe and collecting the iron. He jumps in joy when he hears the click clack of bones. A white shape appears in the darkness, and Pith turns to run, when an arrow finds his back and sends him falling into the lower tunnel. He runs into the darkness, blocking the way with cobblestone as he looks through his inventory for food. He pulls out an uncooked bacon and realizes he needs coal to cook it. As he chews on the uncooked pork he notices light pouring out from the far end of the cave. The cave spirals downwards in a massive winding hallway, and at the bottom it splits into dozens of smaller caves, many of them blocked off by lava.
"Oh yesss I could use you," he says while eyeing the lava.
Apparently the monsters didn't want him to touch their lava, and the sounds of zombies and spiders come from deeper down the cavern. He quickly mines out the veins of coal he can find and doubles back the way he came. The skeleton is gone for the moment, but when he looks back towards the way the skeleton came he notices cobblestone of all things. He crafts a dozen torches and lights the way towards the cobblestone. In the light the stone turns green and grey, and the sounds of zombies moaning echo from a dark crevice in the cobblestone. It would be great to say that he prepares for the danger bravely as one would expect of a knight. It would be great, but sadly we are speaking of a coward and Pith promptly runs for the cave exit. However the clanking of bones coming from the exit keeps him from running away, and stuck between zombies and skeletons it doesn't take long to decide which to fight.
He, finally, readies his sword and three zombies surge through the opening.
He dodges one swipe and hacks it in two, but the other two hit him backwards. He manages to kill them after a few seconds of panicked flailing, but as more zombies come through he steps backward, backing up into a corner, when he looks up.
The stone above holds back a huge pile of gravel, and even one above the dungeon's entrance. He breaks the rock and a slide of gravel buries the leading zombie and blocks the others from coming out. He knocks one block of the dungeon off and kills the zombies from the safety of his murder hole. With the zombies moaning their last he breaks his way inside and finds two chests.
"Alright let's see what you've got,"
Day 4
Pith curses to himself as he trudges through the snow, waving the bone around and listening for the sound of howls or the screams of sheep. It had been a productive day down in the mines, harrowing and full of exploding green men and arrows but he did pull a ton of iron, red stone and a saddle from the trip.
But after getting filled with enough arrows to be three arrows short of a stack he started to miss the help of his first wolf. So here he is, searching the snow-laden forests for companions.
"That is kind of sad,"
He comes to a frozen brook and stops for a second to catch his breath, ignoring the cows mooing at him to move on. As he broke the ice and started considering making an outpost here, he hears the bay of a horse. He pokes through the tree line on the opposite side of the river, and comes across a wide green field under a bright sun, not at all colder for the tundra neighboring it. Not six blocks from him graze a trio of majestic white horses.
Now this is what a knight needs, thought Pith to himself.
He runs to the horse and leaps on its back and yells, just long enough for the horse to throw him off. Now being that he had been trudging through snow all day Sir Pith wasn't about to let that discourage him and he leapt on the horse again, and was driven straight into a nearby tree.
After fighting the horse for the better part of the day, the horse finally tired, long enough so that
Sir Pith pulls the animal over to the frozen stream, and looks him over.
"Alright you stupid beast, you put up a good fight but in the end none can resist Sir Pith! Now where did I leave that saddle?"
He opens up his bag and reaches in, when his smile drops.
"No, no, no, no. Come on I couldn't have left it,"
He empties out the bag's contents onto the ice, and all it spits out is a pile of wood, a half dozen coal and sticks, a bow without arrows, and a slice of cooked beef.
"H-how did I- how could I-?" he babbles to himself too angry to finish any words.
"Just stay here alright horsey," he sets down a fence post and lashes the horse to it before setting off into the woods.
The sun was already dipping low over the horizon, and Pith had to doge more than a few zombies to reach his home.
The second attempt starts bright and early, as Sir Pith, in all his intelligence, decided that he could shave off time from the expedition by heading round the mountains that flanked the forests and cut straight to the plains.
He walks for five minutes before he realized he was hopelessly lost. He looks back the way he came and considers going back to try the path through the woods, for a minute. He's a knight for Notch's sake, he doesn't need to fear getting lost. He cuts out over the mountains to find the forest and his path again. As he comes to the first rise and looks over it… he sees another mountain. He runs over the next rise and sees another mountain and another. How could he have gotten so far- no, no time for that. He's a knight after all, he can find his way without trouble.
He turns left hoping that he can find those encircling pine trees. Nope, a giant tundra is laid out infront of him.
"Is this even possible! How the hell doses that even work?"
He looks up to check the time, and the sun is already hanging low in the sky, and getting lower by the minute.
"Right just retrace my steps, get my bearings, and I'll find my way back the next day, yea that sounds gooooood,"
While Pith was talking he didn't notice the sudden drop off in front of him, and he slid down the mountain side and banged his head on the way down. He stood up and wobbled back and forth as he tried to get his bearings. At the base of the hill in the distance he can see a tree line on the horizon . He walks towards the trees, and as he walks amid them could swear they are almost welcoming him.
As the night falls he is still crashing through bumbles and branches, trying to find that frozen lake next to a warm field. In the distance the cows moo long into the night, and the forest almost seemed to warn him not to go on.
Hide first, wait for day. There is no hurry.
"Quiet trees I know what I'm doing,"
In reality he had no idea what he was doing. Considering he's talking to trees that is not all that surprising.
The forest grows hushed as if it holds its breath, though the occasional branches snap in the wind as if warning him of the approaching danger and the sounds of mooing fills the forest as he walks.
"Just shut up already, and will those cows never stop mooing…,"
Pith stops mid sentence, and runs towards the source of the mooing. He comes to a frozen river and just across it, there it is. The field looks more or less the same, the two other white steeds are still there, and in the distance he spots another small herd of horses. Hiding next to the river he can see his horse.
"Alright boy… I hope you're a boy, just give me a second to strap this on,"
The horse neighs in annoyance as Pith ties the saddle, and as Pith finishes the horse neighs again and louder.
"Quiet horse, or else the monsters will hear us,"
That's when he notices a skeleton in the corner of his vision, and he jumps on the horse without warning.
"Get going, move it, run already!" he yells.
An arrow whizzed by and strikes the horse in the rear and it takes off into the forest. As Pith found out riding a horse in a thick forest, in the dark, while dogging creepers and skeletons is not the easiest thing in the world. From the right a creeper jumps out from the trees and the two jump away as it explodes.
Pith looks back forlornly at the pit the creeper has dug out, and pulls on the reigns for the horse to stop. The horse snorts angrily and tries to keep running but finds the reigns pulling him back.
"Sorry this'll only take a moment,"
The horse pulls harder, and the reigns are ripped from Pith's hands.
"No, it has to be fixed, it has to be fixed,"
Pith yells at the horse, as the two ride into the night.
"So what should I call you?"
The horse neighs and Pith nods as if he can understand him.
"Well I should, for all the trouble you cost me I can at least pick what to call you. Hm it shouldn't be anything too stupid, and something that fits. Well you are fast, really fast… oh I know, I'll name you after Sir Valen,"
The horse neighs again, looking over its shoulder as Pith babbles on.
"Right Sir Valen, his sword was the fastest in the land, he was famous for it. Though it is abit dignified for you,"
The horse neighs in annoyance.
"Fine, fine. How about..."
Pith looks around the forest and watches as it starts to snow again, and in the distance he can hear a piano start playing.
"Hey I think that's the Beginning playing," Pith says and his head snaps down to look at the horse. "How about Snow Drift?"
The horse neighs again, but sounding less annoyed this time.
"I guess Snow Drift it is. Well looks like we've got a little ways to go. Hey did I ever tell you about Sir...,"
The horse keeps silent as Pith keeps on talking. After a minute Pith stops talking and leans forward in the saddle to see something far off between the trees.
As the sun peaks between the trees its light illuminates the cobblestone foundations and snow and wood shack of his home. He shouts and prods the horse into gallop.
As they draw closer Pith jumps off and jumps up and down for joy.
"We did it! I can't believe we made it! Oh I think this's the beginning of a beau- hey hold still," Pith reigns in the horse and ties him a wooden post.
"Stay here, I'll get to work on a stables for you, now don't move,"
Pith finishes the stables just as night begins to fall, and he walks behind the building to fetch the horse, when he hears the sound of a giant spider and a horse neighing. He draws his sword and rounds the corner, and sees a spider standing infront of the horse, the two facing each other.
Pith yells and waves his sword around, and the spider runs off into the darkness of the pine forest.
"Hey enough fraternizing with the enemy, time to go to sleep, come on now,"
Pith pulls the horse towards the stables but doesn't notice the horse looking back, nor the glowing red eyes watching him as he returns to his hovel.
The next chapter should be up soon, if I can finish it between classes at any rate.
Oh and reviews and questions are welcomed, I say as if I had to give you permission.