This is meant to be bizarre and goofy and maybe a little wrong. But we all need a little bizarreness every now and then. I am so pathetic.

Genre: Humour and a splash of romance

Characters: Jack and Ianto

Time frame: After 'Exit Wounds', before 'Stolen Earth'

NOT the same reality as "Not Unbreakable"

(I actually wrote this awhile ago, before I even started "Not Unbreakable" but I forgot about it. I was looking through my documents and I decided, 'hey why not, I'll post it')

"Free Time"

After an incredibly long day (longer since they still haven't found anyone to take over for Tosh and Owen), Ianto was finally at home relaxing with a few of his guilty pleasures. Triple chocolate ice cream with chocolate sauce and chocolate sprinkles was one of them. Another guilty pleasure was reading and writing fanfiction. He had just finished reading the most recent instalment of one of his favourite chapter fics. He clicked on the little review button—this author liked reviews. He wrote 'This was a long chapter but well worth it even though you went and killed Ryan. I really like how you worked in a small crossover with Dark Shadows; that was really clever. I also liked how you worked in where the motorbike came from. You are a fantastic writer and I hope you publish your own stuff someday. Please update soon and I will try to do the same.'

He clicked 'send' just as one of his favourite songs came on. He thought it would be perfect with a strobe light.

Hell, I'm in hell; I just wanna die today…

His phone rang; it was Jack. He turned down the music and answered. "Hello"

"Hey, Ianto…what's that?"

"Just music sir"

He heard Jack sigh "How many times do I have to ask you to stop calling me that?"

"Sorry Jack"

"Anyway, there's been a weevil sighting; I could use your help."

"No problem"

"And after I figured we could go to a bar or something"

Ianto liked the sound of that, anything to spend time with Jack. "Sounds good"

"Okay, I'll pick you up"

"Sure, see you in a bit then"

"Yep"

After he hung up, Ianto turned off his computer and music, it wouldn't do to have Jack find out his guilty pleasure—he'd never hear the end of it. It was bad enough when Jack found out Ianto used to watch Care Bears—of course, Ianto claimed that it was only because they only had one TV and his baby sister had a fit if she didn't get her way.

Ianto sighed and quickly finished his ice cream—the brain freeze was worth it. He then changed into jeans, a dark red sweatshirt and trainers. Though Jack liked him in a suit, jeans were much more conducive to weevil hunting. That and Ianto was getting tired of ruining his suits. He had just pulled on his sweatshirt when the phone rang.

"Hello"

It was Jack "I'm here, come on down."

Ianto rolled his eyes "Can't you ever come to the door?"

"This isn't a date, Ianto; it's a weevil hunt."

Deciding against arguing that coming to the door was polite whatever the occasion, Ianto just said "Fine" and headed downstairs.

Ianto enjoyed weevil hunting with Jack; it was great fun especially when they didn't find any weevils.

"So, where we headed?" he asked when he got in the SUV.

Jack greeted him with that gorgeous smile of his "Just a few blocks. I hope I didn't interrupt anything."

"Nothing that can't wait. Besides I enjoy your company."

Jack grinned again "Flattery will get you everywhere. Is that chocolate on your breath?"

"Sorry, I didn't have time to brush my teeth."

"Don't be" Jack put a hand on Ianto's neck and brought their lips together.

Ianto melted into the kiss and allowed Jack's tongue entrance, he moaned in pleasure. He loved being with Jack; Jack made him feel needed and most of all, wanted.

Jack broke the kiss (too soon in Ianto's opinion) "Yummy. Now, let's go get that weevil" he put the car in drive and pulled out onto the street.

Ianto took a deep breath and put on his seatbelt "Why do you have to be such a damn good kisser?"

Jack chuckled "Want more?"

"I always want more, future boy"

Jack stopped the car at a stoplight and looked at Ianto with a raised eyebrow "Did you just call me 'future boy'?"

Ianto blinked "Did I? Sorry, I, uh, honestly have no idea why I said that. Light's green."

Jack looked back at the road and stepped on the gas (petrol?) pedal "You've never called me that before."

"I know, I just…I've been thinking I guess."

"Oh? What about?"

"Well, I know you've been on this planet longer than I've been alive but I was still born first if you think about it. I was born in the twentieth century and you in the fifty-first."

Jack chuckled "Well, I always did like older men."

Ianto quirked an eyebrow, "Oh? But three thousand years older?" he sighed "But honestly, I didn't mean to call you 'future boy'."

"Sure you didn't."

"I didn't"

"Uh huh" Jack parked the car "We'll walk the rest of the way."

"Okay" They got out and Ianto fell into step beside Jack "Say Jack?"

"Huh?"

"Do you ever worry about messing up your family tree? Or what if you're your own some odd greats grandfather?"

Jack looked at him "Ianto, I think you've been watching too much Back to the Future."

"Have not. I was just thinking about that one episode of Deep Space Nine."

"What?"

"Trials and Tribulations. If memory serves, a woman was flirting with Dr. Bashir in the lift and she turned out to be his grandmother and he was concerned that he could be his own grandfather."

"Your knowledge of random facts amazes me."

Ianto looked at him with the utmost innocence "There's nothing random about Star Trek, Jack."

Jack smiled and kissed him "You are too cute, Ianto Jones. Anyway, I doubt I have to worry, that's why I always use protection."

"Protection doesn't always work"

Jack raised both his eyebrows "Speak from experience, Ianto?"

Ianto blushed and changed the subject "Where's this weevil then?"

Jack sighed and shook his head "Come on, in the sewer" he lifted up a manhole cover.

"Where else? It's always in the sewer with you Jack."

Jack was about to leap in the sewer "I actually have no idea what that means and I usually know what you mean."

Ianto just shrugged

Jack rolled his eyes "Just come in the sewer" Jack leapt down

"That doesn't sound very hygienic" Ianto called after him before climbing down the ladder himself. He had the feeling Jack was pointing the torchlight at his bum "If I've told you once I've told you a hundred times, some fetishes should be kept to yourself."

"I know what that meant. Get your mind out of the gutter, Ianto."

Ianto reached the bottom and smiled sweetly at Jack "That'll be difficult, sir as we're actually in the gutter."

Jack sighed heavily "What am I going to do with you Ianto Jones?"

Ianto shrugged "You could always sell me to the circus."

Jack grinned and put an arm around Ianto's shoulders "Nah, they wouldn't take you. You're too cute for circus life. Besides, I already tried." He kissed Ianto's cheek "Come on, let's go get that weevil."

"Certainly sir, shall we split up?" Ianto held up his torch

"Not in this place. Stay close."

"Always"

…

They found the weevil within minutes and made quick work of it.

"And what" Ianto said once they got it in a cell "will we call this one?"

Jack looked the unconscious weevil over "I'm thinking…that it's your turn to name one."

"Okay, let's see, so far we have: Janet, Michael, and George. This one's female right?"

"As far as I can tell."

"Hermione then"

"Hermione?"

"Yep, definitely Hermione."

"Why Hermione?" Jack's eyebrows were raised; he seemed to be doing a lot of that tonight.

"She looks like a Hermione" Ianto said innocently.

"Are you naming her after Hermione, the daughter of Menelaus and Helen or Hermione from Harry Potter?"

Ianto raised an eyebrow this time "You've read Harry Potter?"

"Who hasn't? So, why are you naming her after that cutie?"

"I never liked Hermione."

"Why?"

"I don't like teachers' pets"

"I've read your file; all your teachers liked you"

"Because I was quiet, cute and sweet not because I was a brainiac who knew all the bloody answers" Ianto hadn't meant for that to come out so bitterly.

Jack bit his lip as if he were trying to hold back a chuckle "So, Ianto didn't like the smart kids did he?"

Ianto crossed his arms "Nope and I was perfectly content to let the bullies beat them up. 'Course," he added as an afterthought "they liked to torment me too."

"Why?"

"Because I was cute and sweet"

Jack leaned in and kissed him gently "Wanna know something? You still are."

"Mhmm, you said something about a bar?"

"Yes, I did. You have a change of clothes here, right?"

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing? I didn't get dirty."

Jack wrapped his arms around him "I know but if you wear those jeans where we're going, everyone would be staring at that cute little bum of yours."

"And where are we going?"

"It's a surprise. Trust me."

"Mmm, trust you Jack Harkness? Do I dare?"

Jack grinned wickedly and pinched Ianto's bum causing him to yelp "Just go get changed. I promise you'll enjoy yourself."

…

Jack decided to change his clothes too only he decided to spice things up a bit. Tonight he would forego the '40s style in favour of black jeans, white t-shirt and a black vest. It was almost the same outfit he wore when Rose had brought him back to life. He was reminiscing fondly about her when Ianto appeared behind him in the mirror. He was wearing one of his simpler suits with a lilac shirt and silvery tie.

"I know you like me in red but this is the only one I had here."

Jack turned to face him "You look cute in lilac too."

Ianto looked him up and down "Okay, so you make me change into a suit while you're dressed as an extra from Grease, why?"

Jack laughed at that, he loved Ianto's humour "I thought I'd try something new."

"Riiiight, so everyone is allowed to stare at your arse but not mine? Is that what you're saying?"

Jack grinned "Yep. Let's go" he put an arm around the other man's waist

The Welshman sighed "To quote Arnold from The Magic School Bus 'I knew I should've stayed home today'."

Jack laughed even though he had no idea what The Magic School Bus was. He was looking forward to taking Ianto to this particular bar. They hadn't been there before and it was a place where they could show more affection without Ianto worrying too much about embarrassment and the like. Jack never got embarrassed…much.

They drove to the bar in comfortable silence and as soon as Jack parked Ianto said

"Jack, cariad, that's a gay bar."

Jack grinned cheekily "Sure is"

"Why?"

"Thought we'd try something new now that we have some free time" he got out of the car.

Ianto followed before Jack could open the door for him "See, Jack now that you've said that a t-rex or a horde of evil monkeys with flaming poo is going to come through the rift."

"Oh hush. Now come on, my treat" he took his lover's arm and led him inside.

"It'd better be; you brought me here."

"Relax, it'll be all right. I'll get you a drink."

Ianto clung to his arm a little tighter "Just don't leave me alone."

"As cute as you are? Not a chance. You're my date" Jack rested his hand on Ianto's bum.

…

The End

Oh, that fanfic Ianto was reading is one of my puppy fics, if you were curious. Yes, damn it, in this reality Ianto is a closet Puppy shipper (a.k.a. Remus/Sirius slash) and is a fan of me. MWAHAHAHAHA…coughs anyway, I hope you enjoyed this bizarreness. And that song he was listening to was 'Escape from Azkaban' by Ministry of Magic (wizard rock, which I DO NOT listen to, my friend sent me a couple of songs) Oh, and that was an example of a good review that Ianto made, just so you know.

TTFN

Let me me know what you thought of this madness.