On knifes edge
(PLEASE READ THE AUTHORS NOTE FIRST)
This is a new fanfic in the works. Just a quick note for those wanting to read this fanfic, it is going to be quite graphic in terms of gore. So please dont read if you get triggered by things like depression, self harm or anxiety. This fanfic is going to be more personal and focus more on the sadder side of LGBT through the eyes of Naruto and Sasuke. Since my last fanfics were fluffish I wanted a more realistic version of someone growing up in a strict hetero culture and the pressure someone can feel when trying to 'uphold' the family name. Things like academic pressure, family pressure and also pressure to hide your true self are all going to be covered in this. It is going to start quite dark and then progress to happier and darker moments (basicially a roller coaster of emotions). The first chapter is really dark.. so please (again) do not read if you cant handle it.. especially if you get triggered by these kind of things. I ultimately want to open viewers eyes of what some LGBT people go through and how hard it is to grow up as an LGBT person in a community which is disgusted by you. I also hope that if you are an LGBT person going through something simular that you find some light at the end of my work, because there willl be a postive end to this, I promise. (Well as happy as it gets). Sorry for talking for so long..."P
Pre warning: Will be a Sasuke x Naruto fanfic, please dont read if you do not like the pairing
Rating: T/ M
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Naruto universe, trust me I wish I did.
Chap 1: The silver gem
**5 months after the first encounter**
Naruto crawled into a ball, wishing that the darkness would take him. He silently wept in his bed alone, trying to silence his tears by covering his face with a pillow. Pressing the pillow harder and harder onto his face.
Everything hurt.
He sat there looking at the black walls that surrounded him, he wondered 'what if'? What if he were a girl? Would it make it easier? Would he finally be enough for Sasuke?
The previous months came flooding back into Naruto's mind as an unwelcome storm.
Naruto clenched his head tightening his grip around his skull, he needed to stop the noises from his heart. It mocked him, slowly pumping, ringing loudly within his ears signalling he was still alive.
He tightly dug his nails into his left arm, letting the small pinch of pain relieve him of his thoughts. He thought back to the last few months knowing he would never be good enough for anything.
"Why do I try?
Naruto felt like demons bounced around his dark room watching his self-torture laughing at his pain. He didn't care anymore, he had gotten to the point where he wouldn't give a fuck if they wanted to take his soul, he had no use for it now.
He opened his burning eyes to be greeted with an empty black room, he knew no one was there, but for some reason he felt red eyes all around him, staring, smiling, laughing.
He cursed them, defied their existence.
He felt hot liquid circling his veins, he wanted so desperately to stop this dizzy and hot feeling. He needed a relief. Needed a distraction from himself
As he lay there in his bed covered with 4 blankets, trying to hide further and further away from the world he knew, he decided to opened his phone which illuminated the blanket fort he created. It was already 3 am, he had been here for hours, thinking.
His mind was a self-destructive war zone, the minute the gun fire began it was hard to ignore its violent loudness.
His head repeated loudly against the silent night. You are not good enough.
That one sentence lay imprinted in his mind, skin, nails and hair. Everywhere.
He tried to run once but it followed him. He smiles around everyone else, but deep down Naruto knows what he is, not good enough. He wants to be, everything he has ever worked towards was to achieve that goal. To be good enough, to be a success, to be loved, to be happy. To be someone his foster parents would be proud off.
But after years of trying and perfecting he was nothing, his heart was broken his skin was scarred and his mind was a war zone.
He was done.
Naruto slowly slipped out of bed. His head spun, the dark room had seemed to turn into an audience of red eyes swirling around him against a midnight black canvas.
He pushed through grabbing his door handle. He couldn't take it anymore. Everything inside him had already been set on fire and turned to ash, what more was there to save?
He silently walked towards the kitchen with a blank face of utter defeat. He saw what he needed in the distance, it glowed silver against the rest of the house which was drowned out in the darkness.
He walked towards it with no fear in his heart, he knew he could silence the voices, the eyes, the taunting laughter of his despair.
He grabbed the silver knife, which glistened when hit with the moonlight. He walked back to his room, grabbed a towel and headed for the shower.
Here he could be alone.
He could cry a little bit louder, sit on the floor for hours, thinking, just thinking. The shower was his unhappy place, where he no longer fought the voices, stares and the bitter evil demons which watched over him. He let them come, teach him a lesson for being worthless, un wanted, un loved and ultimately a failure at life.
He entered the bathroom and laid the knife on the sink. He made sure the door was locked three times before turning on the water until it had fogged the glass screen. He picked up the silver knife and entered what felt like his second home.
As he felt the water hit him, he knew.
It was time to stop fighting, let go.
He closed his eyes, feeling pressure build within himself. He felt it coil up like a hot snake, until he could no longer hold it in.
His tears starting falling down, effortlessly blending in with the shower water. As Naruto sobbed loudly he felt his hands clench harder and harder onto the knife, until his knuckles were white against his pink fingers.
Naruto felt so weak. He crumbled slowly onto the cold tiles of the shower.
As he sat there on the bottom of the shower hugging his legs for any form of comfort he could feel he was no longer alone.
"Hello old friend."
Naruto opened his eyes only half way, he could see the demon which looked like a spitting image of himself, instead he was smiling and had sinister red eyes which eyed the knife as if it were a gem.
Naruto looked at him and tossed the knife at him which nearly shattered the glass.
"Why?" Naruto stuttered.
His body feeling heavier and heavier under the aggressive water which thrashed onto his body.
The demon only chuckled in heavily paradise. "You know exactly why, so here is your prize back."
The cold-hearted demon slid back the knife which now had several water droplets accumulating on its silver face.
"I know, but I tried. Isn't that enough?"
The demon looked at Naruto like he was delusional "is it?"
Naruto slowly nodded no.
He looked over to the knife knowing nothing would erase the last few months.
He tried at University and strained to be the model son he always promised Iruka he would be. He even tried to make the love of his life, love him back. But in turn he left him broken hearted, telling him it wasn't worth the risk, that they would lose so much if they continued seeing each other.
He had to face the facts that he was not good enough for Sasuke, for University or for his parents.
Naruto looked up at the demon which floated amongst the shower, "will I ever be good enough?"
The demon picked up a bar of soap which feel quickly through his hands and back onto the shower floor, "no."
Naruto nodded even though he already knew the answer, he has always known. If the several scars all over his legs didn't remind him off that, then his failing and pitiful life did.
He couldn't take it anymore.
Rejection after rejection.
Fear of losing everything he loved.
The fear of disapproval from his father, the look of disgust from his mother. He knew it was all coming if he just told them the truth. The fact that Sasuke walked away, pretended like it never happened, acting like his best friend when he knew how much it hurt Naruto to be pushed aside like that. Left in the dark, because they were of the same sex. The fear of utter family betrayal haunted them both, but Naruto was never ready to let go of Sasuke and the bliss he felt with him. At the end of the end day, it was Sasuke who walked, it was him who decided to pretend like nothing had happened between them.
It killed him to see Sasuke act so normal and happy around Naruto and their friends when everything inside Naruto was burning to pieces. Nothing at the end of 5 months remained intact, his heart and body were already shattered by loves keen sting.
His clear as day grades on his final unit results also couldn't be erased and reprinted as all A's as much as he tried, but he knew he tried. He always has. But in the end, he was never good enough.
Naruto took the knife in his hands. He shakily brought it up to his throat. Wishing and wanting for all this to end, for the pain and voices to stop. His adam's apple bounced as he swallowed in fear.
"Go on Naruto, it won't hurt, and then you can join me."
Naruto let his tears fall. He pointed the knife to his throat waiting for the right time to push it forward and let the darkness finally come.
"Why?... Why can't I be good enough? All I wanted to be was happy… why?"
The demon didn't respond, he simply pushed the knife closer and closer too Naruto's throat. Until the knife was 1 centimetre away.