By Annika Bakos ©2011
Blinded
It was like every morning, just like every freaking morning. I got up early, making breakfast for the kids. Then I wandered in the basement, taking the clothes and putting it back into the children's closets. When they were away, I began to clean up the kitchen so I wouldn't have to do it later that day. I sighed when I tried to pick up the spoon. It was getting harder and harder to work in the household since I got pregnant again. That sort of happened by an accident. Elliot, my ex-ex-husband visited the kids after a hard case, he told me so. That was so hard that the man shot his wife and his three kids. Sad, I know. But that's what I have to deal with. Yes, I'm the wife of a cop. And it's still hard. Because when he comes home, he's overtired and angry. It's no fairytale, but hey, I like it. So… after he visited them… well, you know. I asked him to stay and… he staid. After a few weeks I noticed that I became sick. Unusual for a woman in good condition. But I knew that every of my pregnancies had started with that, so I bought a test. And here you go: I went pregnant again. For the fourth time. And so here I am: Kathy Stabler, 42 years old and pregnant with my fifth child. Sounds like much stress, huh? It is, but I'm getting used to it now. So, now I've got that spoon. I wish I could hear his voice just one time before he's getting to work early in the morning, 'til the kids wake up for school. But every time I want to talk to him, he just looks sadly at me and sighs, and then turns out the light again and leaves.
So. Then I was sitting on the couch, rubbing my hurting belly, wanting the baby to stop kicking. It's not the way I usually felt it. Maybe because I'm older since the last time. Ha, that's it. And soon I went into the kitchen again, taking ice cream out of the freezer. Eating it I went up into Elliot's and my bedroom to make the bed. Entering the room, I noticed a small picture frame with a bow around it. I frowned and went over to the bedside table and took it up. Upon it was a small note with my husband's handwriting:
Dear Kathy.
Sometimes I notice the sad look in your eyes when you see the picture of Olivia and me on the drawer. It's really not what you think, darling. I… she's like the best friend I never had, you know? There was nothing. I'm telling you that, because I love you. And so I thought about something I could give you to assure you that there's nothing between me and Liv. It was my favorite picture from the album of my mother. Hope you like it.
Love,
Elliot.
I smiled and put away the bow from the little frame. It showed me and Elliot, when he picked me up for the prom. It was our first date. I was so excited that my cheeks glow like little candy apples, like he said when we were outside the house of my parents. They thought he wasn't the best company for me because he was the son of a cop and very, very grown up for his seventeen years. Oh god, his parents hated me. Especially his mother, who still hates me for taking her son away from her, but since she helped Kathleen with her bipolar disorder, our relationship is getting a lot better. I think she's the mother my mother never could be. I sat on the bed now, little tears rolling down my face. I thought that I could be lucky to have such a caring, loving husband. And now I couldn't understand how I could let him go. I sighed once again and went down and on the couch again. I turned on the TV, rubbed my belly and relaxed a bit. It was only ten o'clock, so I had enough time to cook dinner 'til the twins came home from school. So I leaned back and closed my eyes.
At that time, I didn't know what would come this afternoon.
The first thing I noticed when I finished cleaning up the table was the feeling that something had happened. I felt my gut wrench and knew that something was going wrong. Really going wrong. I touched my belly, only to make sure the baby was okay. "Everything's okay, mum?" a voice from behind said. I turned to look in my son's worried eyes. He always knew when something was wrong with the people he cared of. I looked at him and nodded, frowning. He smiled and went up again, looking back on the stairs, and then disappearing in his room. That was when the phone rang. "I'll take it!" Kathleen's voice came from the couch. So I concentrated on cleaning up again. Behind me she greeted the caller. "Yes, she's here. What's up? Okay, I'll give you to her." I turned to take the phone and held in to my ear.
"Hello?"
"Kathy? It's me, Olivia."
"Olivia? What's up? Has something happened?"
"Well… yeah. It's Elliot. He had… sort of an accident. He's in the Mercy now."
"Oh god… I'm coming. Will you wait for me?"
My voice broke at the last two words. When she said yes and goodbye, I sat down at the kitchen table, burying my face in my hands. This can't be real… please let it be a bad dream. I thought. I didn't want to cry because I didn't want to scare the kids. The twins came running down when they heard me whimper. I couldn't look up 'til they all were there. Soon it was very quiet in the kitchen, only my heavy breathing was heard.
"What happened, mum?" Lizzie asked softly.
"Your dad had an accident. I'm driving to the hospital now. Could you please clean up your rooms 'til I'm back?"
Everyone nodded, only Kathleen staid on the chair next to me. I looked at her and she smiled encouraging. She had experienced that a hundred of times. I sighed and stood up. She did, too, and all of a sudden she embraced me and whispered in my ear: "I'm afraid, mum. Promise me he'll be okay." Then she quietly began to cry into my shirt. Because every time something happened to Elliot she was sad. Maybe because he set an example to her. I don't know. I held her tight and kissed her cheek when I finally let go. "He will, Katie." Then I went to the hall, grabbed the car keys and my coat and went out the door. While I drove to the hospital, the tears flooded down my cheeks. I really couldn't bear the fear anymore when he went out to catch pedophiles or the monsters who raped other women or men. But I had to, for the kids, for me, for him. For the whole family. When I reached the entrance of the Mercy Hospital, I got out, still slightly shaking. Time passed 'til I spotted Elliot's partner, Olivia Benson. We weren't good friends, but friends in any case. She waved and I went over to her. "What happened?" I asked her when I reached her. But she just shook her head and gently led me in. When I saw my husband, lying in that hospital bed, I whimpered quietly and took a hand before my mouth. Olivia touched my shoulder and whispered encouraging words to me. Then the doctor came and told me about Elliot's injuries. I nodded, but didn't really listen to her. I just wanted to get in and see myself that he was okay. Finally the doctor finished and let me in. I looked Olivia in the eyes and then turned to the doc. "Let her go in, too. She's a friend of the family. Please." she finally agreed and let us in. When we were in, I grabbed a plastic chair and sat down next to the bed. Liv sat down next to me. I took Elliot's hand. It was so cold. As cold as the whole room. He looked scary. His eyes were red and swollen. He was so pale that you couldn't decide which were the bed sheet and his face. "Oh, Elliot…" I whispered and kissed his back of the hand.
After a while Olivia began to speak. "Why did you tell the doctor to let me in, too?"
"You're Elliot's friend. And when we married we said that we would share everything. And so our friends. I really do like you, Liv. I'm just jealous because you see him more often than me."
"Oh… I'm really sorry, Kathy. I really didn't want to take him away from you."
"No, no. It's okay. Just don't mind if I say something rude, okay?"
She nodded and smiled shyly, as I thought. Then she looked to the ground, so I thought she wouldn't want to talk about it. Maybe she felt a bit uncomfortable. I knew I really could be a bitch when it came to someone I love. Just in time Elliot's face became a bit redder and his eyelids fluttered.
"He's waking up!" I said. We both leaned over him.
"Kathy?" he asked weakly.
"I'm here, Elliot. I'm here." I was so glad that he was okay. 'Til the next sentence he spoke. I never thought I wanted to scream so hard as in this moment.
"Where are you?"
After Olivia went out to talk to the doctor again, I tried to steady my husband. I stroked the back of his hand. I never had seen him like this. He seemed so… helpless. Why always him? That was the question I asked myself the whole time. "You'll be okay, darling." I whispered all the time. I never thought he would listen to me. But maybe it was because I was the only one he could trust at the moment. Finally he relaxed a bit.
"Can I tell you what happened?" he asked.
I just had to say no, but I wanted to feel him as comfortable as needed and so I said just yes. Then he began to tell me about the case, a thing he never had done before.