On Seducing an Uchiha
By: Prosely
Summary: When you find a how-to guide on seducing Uchiha, you're clearly obligated to play what will possibly be the greatest prank ever on a one Uchiha Sasuke.
At least, until things start going horribly wrong.
Featuring vintage pornography, cross-dressing blondes, dramatic waterfalls, and kicked puppy faces; Not necessarily in that order. Crack fic for my lovely ships and crack tropes.
1: The Introduction
If the book hadn't physically smacked him in the face, Naruto probably wouldn't have even seen it.
He had been trapped amidst perilously piled stacks of smut novels and x-rated magazines in an antiquated porn shop, lost in another box of "sexy ladies of the centerfold." He was in search of a particularly rare copy of Icha Icha, and bemoaning the fact that he was destined to fail this mission when that book quite literally fell into his lap.
Or his face, if you wanted to be specific.
Kakashi had assigned Naruto on a "very special, elite Hokage-in-training mission" the moment the silver-haired man "overheard" the blonde in Ichiraku's one night, telling Iruka about how Jiraiya had once made him sit through a two hour reading of the limited edition print with some other old pervert in a shop years ago. Naruto's eye still twitched at the memory of Kakashi gleefully rubbing his hands together, a dark blush cresting what little of his cheek was visible before all but kicking the blonde out of the village to go and find the novel in question.
The fact that the current Hokage had set up an underground network of shinobi looking for information about Icha Icha he did not yet possess was something Naruto didn't want to think about.
It had taken him ages to remember exactly where the weird old sex-book shop was, his search landing him in some small backwater village to the east of Konoha. The shop was a small, decrepit building squatting on the side of the road like a tumor, as it had, according to the pervy owner who looked about as crusty as some of the questionable items in the backroom, "been here for a hundred years! I've serviced more young men then I can count!"
Naruto was lucky that his face was at least memorable enough that the man remembered him coming in with Jiraiya all those years ago—and what's more, recalled the sage's outstanding bill for what even Naruto considered to be a ridiculous amount of pin up posters.
So, he was lost amidst the stacks and almost broke, despite his ludicrous mission budget ("sometimes people are better off not knowing what their taxes pay for" he could hear Tsunade saying in his head as she slid him the budget for a mission to buy her favorite Sake from the land of Rice). But now, Naruto was at a loss, staring at the piles of porn around him.
Well, there are worse places to be, he thought, glancing at a poster of a busty brunette who was winking at him out of the corner of his eye. Naruto's smile was reminiscent of a cat's as he reached out to get a closer look when—
Holy shit. Was that Anko? He wondered, tilting his head to get a better view and feeling his heart drop into his stomach. Was that-Mitarashi Anko, who would in all probability castrate him if she even knew he had been in the same room as this photo?!
Naruto, snatched his hand back as if burned, slicing his finger on the edge of the photo. It was almost as if Anko herself was watching, making sure that he was in pain for his transgression. Or plotting to drag him into the weird sex dungeon Kakashi sometimes whispered about whenever he got really, really drunk after tough missions.
"Damnit, that hurt!" He moaned, immediately trying to soothe the stinging with his mouth.
"You better not be masturbating back there! I will NOT be cleaning those shelves a third time." The owner sounded like he had been chain smoking for the majority of the hundreds of years he'd been alive.
"Eh, pervy-shopkeeper, you said you had the book!" Naruto shouted back, nursing the paper cut with a swipe of his tongue.
"It's there brat! I remember everything that I sell and who I sell it to. I'm a walking catalogue!" The man's raspy disembodied voice responded beyond the towers of paper that loomed in the front of the room.
Naruto made a frustrated noise, falling back into the piles of old porn behind him with a groan.
But his movement shifted the precarious equilibrium of the tallest stacks nearby, and a black, leather-bound book tumbled from above, it's corner hitting him in the eye as his shinobi reflexes failed him.
"Damnit!" Naruto hissed in pain again, "That does it—" He clutched at his watering eye with one hand as the other reached to throw the offending text as far in the opposite direction as he could when he suddenly caught the title.
On Seducing an Uchiha, the kanji read in small, unobtrusive strokes. If he was being honest with himself, Naruto might not have even noticed it at all if a small, embossed Uchiha fan had not been engraved right above the words.
The blonde stared at the cover dumbly for a few long seconds before he finally managed to form a coherent thought.
"What?" Was all he could say, even as he maneuvered the hand not still holding his damaged eye to flip open to the first page, morbidly curious. Had a fangirl finally cracked and lost her sanity?
The words were written by hand in long, choppy strokes. There were small smudges on the edges where the author had kept writing without leaving time for the ink of the prior lines to dry.
On Seducing an Uchiha
By: Someone Who Knows How
Naruto resisted the urge to whistle. Sometimes he wondered if the clan actually was as large as he had been told, seeing as all of the Uchihas he had met seemed so definitively asexual. How had they ever reproduced?
Introduction:
If you're reading this, I'll be the first to tell you that yes, it is possible. I've done it-Seduced an Uchiha, I mean.
And by seduced, I'm not just talking about getting into the pants of those who are arguably members one of the most attractive clans in Konoha, but falling in love. It's possible. It's glorious. I didn't realize how wonderful it would be until—
"Ugh," Naruto muttered in distaste, squinting his eyes as he skimmed through all of the weird girly parts about love, trying to get to the good stuff.
-and yes, Uchiha men can fall in love, as preposterous as that probably sounds to you.
"Yeah, sure." Naruto snorted, thinking about Sasuke's callous rejection of Sakura six months ago. He still remembered how resigned she seemed, almost relieved, even as the jinchuriki threatened to go and kick the bastard's ass for her when she came over to Naruto's apartment afterwards, her expression strained and her eyes bright with unshed tears. He held her for long halting minutes, even though she never actually cried. She just took deep, shuddering breaths against his chest, coming to terms with the cold truth that she and the Uchiha never would be together.
And as Naruto told her, he truly believed that Sasuke could love someone besides himself, but damn, if the asshole wasn't convincing sometimes.
Moreover, the book continued, I didn't realize, but somehow along the way of my strange seduction, I fell irrevocably in love with an Uchiha too, which had been the farthest thing from my original intention with this entire…endeavor.
Somehow the opposite happened. If you continue with your seduction, you'll probably notice that's a common theme with Uchiha: an attraction of opposites.
I remember how no one would thought it would ever happen—in fact, as our romance unfolded, everyone expected me to give up. My love was…so elusive. Most of them are, I've noticed.
But I digress. This isn't about me, this is about you. Chances are, if you're reading this, you're in love with an Uchiha and you want him or her to finally notice you. I can't promise love, but I can tell you this: If you follow the instructions I've written here, he or she will notice you, for hopefully the right sort of reasons. And who knows? Maybe if you're lucky, love will follow. I've studied the clan and its members for years and I can assure you, if the techniques I wrote about here don't work, then nothing will.
But remember to never let them know about this book. Or you're probably going to die, because they will probably kill you. Which brings me to lesson one: you always have to let an Uchiha think that they're in control of the situation, even when they're not.
For example-
Naruto slammed the book shut, his eyes wide as an idea formed in his head, replacing the morbid fascination he had moments ago.
This was the greatest day of his life. He realized suddenly, his lips beginning to widen in his biggest shit-eating grin.
He would finally, finally be able to get back at Sasuke for the way he treated Sakura and the rest of the village girls, for being the stand-offish bastard he was, and for still acting like a total prick even though he was back in Konoha, vanishing off to missions without so much as a goodbye. For his dark brooding that had been setting Naruto's teeth on edge, causing them to fight more than usual. For always having not one or two, but apack of women who still obsessed over him, despite his branding as a former rogue nin and traitor (apparently it had made him more mysterious after the initial stigma of it had worn off).
This would be the greatest revenge plan Naruto ever made. With this book…
The blonde lifted the slim volume to the grungy, flickering light above his head.
"I'm going to make the bastard fall in love!"
"Keep it down back there, will you? I'm trying to get this video to work!" The old man snapped from the front of the shop.
The shopkeeper glanced back with crusted Byakugan eyes to see the strange blonde shinobi lying on a pile of lesbian porn, clutching a book to his chest and cackling to himself.
"Kids these days and their weird fetishes." He muttered, banging on the VCR so he could finish watching his favorite cooking show.