Jared
Disclaimer:
The following characters belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for the fanfic.
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Author's note:
This story is written specially for Michael, to whom apologies will never be enough.
There is nothing in the world quite as easy as pinning the blame on someone else, to absolve oneself from the blame, and be carried away by the fumes of jealousy and to nurse a grudge for all eternity. And it is quite as easy to forgive and yet constantly remind another of their mistakes. This, I realise, through my own experiences. For I have changed roles more swiftly than one would have imagined, and have witnessed what it is like to be both. One minute, I was the victim; the next, I was the villain. And I'm not quite sure if there is anything I can do about it.
I suppose you could say I gave in to my emotions, let my heart rule my head, so to speak. I gave in to the temptation of pointing fingers in the direction of yet another, to make myself channel all that pain, rage and betrayal I felt at another.... another who really was innocent. Perhaps somewhere deep down, I did know that none of this was his fault, or mine for that matter, but I couldn't care less. I was blinded by my own self-pity, and wanted to lash out at the one thing that had caused me pain beyond belief. Selfish, that I won't deny. Perhaps that was where it all began... me being used to having my own way, and not getting it because Mother never was one to care about the wealth and power another had.
It didn't make it any easier knowing that he was easy target. Protected, it seemed, virtually impossible to get a hit at. That only served to jack up my interest and make me keener to lash out at him- it didn't seem fair at all that I had to suffer in silence whilst he just breezed through life. I guess that was when I discovered his weaknesses- his desire to be liked.
It was low, I know, to hit him where it hurt the most and run. I could have confronted him there and then, have an all out fight... but I suppose you could say I was a coward. I was afraid of failure... and am ashamed of that fact. Anger so strong that it seemed to have a life of its own dominated me; it gave me the strength I needed to execute my plan- attack him as hard as I could, isolate him... make him pay dearly for what he had done to me, for making me feel unloved and alone.
It was all downhill from there. The more successful I was at making him unhappy, the more I sold my soul to the darkness. Slowly but surely, I was losing myself, changing, destroying myself in my thirst to hurt. Yet I was intent on crushing him like an ant, no matter the costs, to let all the grief and fury in me out. I wanted to cause offence, to feel something beyond the hazy confusion that had ailed me all this while. I wanted justice to be done... and for that, I needed an excuse. And an excuse I found, lame as it was, enough to make me feel like what I was doing was right- that I had a reason to hurt others… because I had been hurt myself.
It was dangerously addictive. I found myself starting to plan gleefully for our next showdown, where I would once again outsmart him. While these little annoyances had little effect on the campus, it was quite sufficient to satisfy the cowardly me, who hid in the shadows and smirked while I watched him ponder the mystery behind my actions. Yet I found my inner voice, that dratted conscience of mine, beginning to get in my way as the stakes were raised. // This isn't funny anymore. Stop this, now, before you hurt someone. // It nagged at me day and night, allowing me not a moment of peace, making me doubt myself, feeling remorse like I'd never felt before. I could hear it wherever I went, and I was pretty sure I was going crazy. // Why do you hate him? Were you not friends once? // Again and again, it echoed in my mind, questioning me incessantly, slowly undermining my resolve. Still, I refused to give in. I will not lose this time, I must not lose. The stakes were too high now.
It was only when the train had gotten out of control that I felt fear well up in me. I was scared, terrified of being alone, appalled by what I had done. I didn't want to die, painfully afraid of dying. And Nokoru... Nokoru just.... vanished, lost his grip and disappeared. All because of me. Guilt mounted up. // What have I done? What did I do? This isn't me, no, it isn't me. I'm not like that. I don't want to be this... this... monster. I... I... I want all this to stop... make it stop, make it stop. // But things had gone too far for me to stop now. At least, so I thought.
Somehow or another, Nokoru managed to stop the train. It seems like he won... like before. I wanted to scream at him. // Why did you make it stop? Why did you have to win? // I was confused, more confused than I had ever been. I was no longer sure of what was wrong or right, no longer certain. And then, he smiled... offered me a chance to turn back, to redeem myself.
It sounded so painfully tempting. I wanted to be accepted, to right all the wrongs I made. So within an hour, I was declared to have switched sides. It was then that I thought, foolishly believed that I could make things right, that someday, somehow, I would manage to chalk up enough good deeds for myself to redeem myself. What a joke. What a fool I am. Could I be more wrong?
Takamura- san's eyes narrow when I approach, especially when I go near Nokoru- kun. He was worried, I could tell, that I still nursed a grudge against Nokoru. Frankly, he isn't far from wrong. I do hold a grudge; I do hate him, somewhat. I hate him for making me the villain, for without his presence, I might never have needed to turn this way. I wouldn't need to redeem myself if not for him. True, I did all those things, and I'm ashamed of it, but... but he was the trigger. At times like these, I would feel that familiar flash of anger, then... // Haven't you learnt your lesson? Wasn't this what turned you into this monster in the first place? // that voice would chide. And I knew it was right, that this was precisely the path to ruin that I had chosen before, that I must not choose again. Easy to say... quite a different matter to stop feeling that way.
I hated myself for hating Nokoru. After all, he was practically the only person who had known of the affair and still forgave me. Takamura- san was suspicious of me, Okhawa- Kaichou and Ijyuin- san furious at me for what I had done.... and Nagisa- san... well... she was plain terrified of me. She could hardly look at me in the face again after our last meeting at the subway station. And once again, looking at them, just passing by them in the corridor made me feel like scum. I never realised how much a simple glance can hurt. The way the eyes flickered towards you like how they'd flicker towards a dangerous lion. And it hurt. Knowing that they were right, that I was dangerous, and that I wasn't given a chance, that no matter what I did, nothing will ever erase my mistakes from their mind. I just wanted a chance to prove to myself, and to them that I was wrong, and I wanted to atone for my mistake, but it seemed like I was going to be denied that chance.
Whilst Nokoru- kun was still politely friendly, I was hurt by the way the others had reacted to me, and I couldn't help but wonder, // Is he doing this to stop me from becoming dangerous again? // I wish I knew the answer to that thought. I wish I knew if he truly forgave me or if he was only doing it because it was the right thing to do. Nokoru- kun has always been one to do the right things. But that wasn't the thing that disturbed me the most about him. No, it was the way in which he reminded me.... of my shortcomings and my mistake.
Perfect as always, quite enough cause for me to hate him. And seeing him treat me in such a friendly manner, as though we were the best of friends always made me feel ashamed. How could I even begin to think evil of such a friendly soul? I was reminded all the time of what I had been, and whilst I could detect no revulsion on his face, that incident changed it for me.
It had been a simple enough thing to hack into the CLAMP Campus database. I had done it without much difficulty, and I knew that anyone who knew enough about computers could easily access it. And sure enough... someone did. I was with Nokoru- kun when Takamura- san burst in and declared that someone was hacking the system. For an instant, I noticed Nokoru- kun's eyes cloud over, and dart quickly towards me, then smiled apologetically at me and said he had to leave. I offered to go along to help... and...
There was a pause, then... "I'll be glad for your help." he beamed. But I had not missed his momentary hesitation. He had been weighing the odds, as if suspicious that this was another one of my tricks before tossing that thought out of his mind. However, the fact that he had even thought that I would do such a thing ever again had a huge impact on me- no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried... I was- and always will be- the enemy. They would never forget what I have done, and neither will I. My sins will remain etched in our memories forever.
Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened. I have asked for forgiveness, sought it with all my might, knocked upon the doors of the hardened hearts... yet I know for certain, now more than ever... that I will never be granted access to those hearts I long to have a place in... now and forever.