A/N: Fairy Tail + gender questioning/genderfluid.
It's September! You thought Nonbinary Month was over? Okay it is, but I'm always continuing things and posting late, so here's some more. xoxo
She Is Them Are They Is Her
"Sir."
Juvia turned. They were talking to her—and it thrilled her.
"You forgot your keys."
"Thank you," she said.
The person nodded and walked away: not a look of surprise, no flicker of realization. They one-hundred-percent thought she was a man.
That made her feel…something. Something new.
All the oddness, all ways Juvia had never fit in, built up until one day they burst in her chest and transformed into a new being. Juvia had never been right, had never felt right, had never found a place that belonged to her. To them.
But as they walked out of their flat and strode to the transit station, they felt like they'd come home to themself.
I am not afraid, they told the quiet street. I will not be afraid.
Juvia Lockser tried avoiding femininity for a while. Gave their gender-neutral last name instead of their first; wore clothes from the men's section; felt uncomfortable using a women's toilet and gained a strong dislike of places that didn't have a neuter one.
But after a few months, though they hated to admit it, they could feel the un-rightness creeping up on them again.
Something still didn't fit. Maybe they hadn't found a solution after all. Maybe it had all been a lie. Maybe they'd forced people into contortions around them—requesting their pronouns, making Gajeel endure the stares when they dressed androgynously—for nothing.
Shame made Lockser want to curl up and sob until they disappeared and all identities were meaningless. To hide away from the light and never be seen again.
Lockser met Lucy at Comicon. Lucy was dressed up as a swordswoman, while they were dressed as Eth, selkie skin and all. The fact that Lucy knew who Eth was, and recognized the costume at a first guess, made Lockser flush with pleasure.
"Who are you?" they asked, nodding at Lucy's faux katana.
"Akame, fighter for justice," Lucy said, grinning. "Most people who aren't big manga fans have never heard of her."
"I haven't," they admitted, wishing to every goddess that they had. "What's the story?"
"The story? How long do you have?" Lucy laughed. (As long as you want, a corner of their mind whispered.) "A group of assassins are trying to work against their corrupt government, including the evil general who has the most powerful demon magic anyone has ever seen and whose only love in life is torture. It's incredibly dark."
Lockser shivered. "Like…things jumping out kind of dark?"
Lucy laughed—a sound they wanted to be the cause of always—and shook her head. "No. Torture kind of dark. No jump scenes."
"Oh." They relaxed. "That's fine."
Lucy tilted her head.
"It is?"
"Well, to me." They reddened. "I like dark stories. They feel…real."
"Yeah." Lucy hadn't stopped looking at them with that intense, contemplative stare. "So what events have you been to so far today, Eth?"
After two days spent together at Comicon, Lucy asked for their number so they could get together and 'talk more anime.'
Lucy hadn't asked their name up til then, just called them Eth—and Lockser let her. They liked not getting into a discussion about it.
But now, staring into Lucy's eyes, Lockser found they weren't nearly as uncomfortable as they expected.
"Lockser," they said as Lucy typed them into her phone. "Juvia Lockser."
"Lockser," Lucy mused, with that private little grin she got. "I like that. Like a loch with the sun shining off it."
They flushed. Most people made 'locking' comments. "How did you know?"
"What else would it be? Everyone knows what a loch is. It fits you," Lucy said. "You're calm like a lake."
"And you?" Lockser asked when Lucy texted them. "What should I put you under?"
"Lucy Heartfilia."
"Because you have a big heart," Lockser said, and the pair beamed at each other.
Lucy figured out the right pronouns on her own. The first time they hung out, Lockser's best friend Gray was concerned and insisted on bumming along, and the three of them actually had a grand time. And it must've been Gray at some point using 'them,' because when Lockser visited Lucy's flat after their second real date, Lucy told her roommate Natsu that, "This is Lockser. They prefer to go by their surname."
Their. That little word warmed their heart.
So the conversation never came up, Lockser never explained, and things just went on like that. Their dates and hangouts turned into having all their friends over for a game night (because "our friends would get along, and also I think Gray and my roommate should meet") and attending Lockser's holiday work party together. And it was nice.
Until it wasn't.
They were lying together under the green boughs of a paper machê tree Lockser had on their ceiling, the carpet warm after walking home from the party. Lockser had managed the awkwardness of fancy dress by wearing slacks and a turtleneck (which made them feel better anyway because they could hide in the cloth around their neck). But still, something wasn't right.
"Lucy." Lockser reached out and found her hand. (They'd recently begun holding hands. Lockser was in love with the development.)
"Mm?"
They had no idea what they wanted to talk about.
"What gender do you feel like?" they asked.
The tone was light, but Lucy grew thoughtful before answering slowly, "I'm a woman. But I decide what that means."
"What does that mean?"
"Woman, or me deciding?" Lucy chuckled. "To the second, it means I won't listen, adhere, or tailor myself to any definition of womanhood that I don't like. I won't be affected by the male gaze. I won't let my grandparents' expectations define womanhood. I get final say. Always. Nobody else decides for me.
"As to the first, I'm still figuring it out, but it's whatever I am at the time. I am simply me, and since I'm a woman, whatever I am and do, that must fit into the definition of womanhood."
"Wow."
"What?"
"That's deep," Lockser said, staring at the paper leaves. "Empowering."
"Yeah. That's how it should be."
"It is," they acknowledged.
There was a silence.
"What about you?" she asked. Haltingly, Juvia thought.
"I…don't know." And they were amazed to find it was true. "I don't think I ever let my self define a label. I tried to find…a label that that defined me."
"Makes sense."
Lockser wasn't sure it did.
"Lucy," they said quietly, "I'm not sure about anything."
Lucy rolled onto her side and met their gaze: thoughtful, kind, understanding.
"Yeah? In what way?"
They stared up. There were so many things inside them. So many things, and they didn't know how to show it all and show who they really were.
"I never did fit in," they whispered. "I never felt like I knew my place. The friends I had growing up…it was out of pity. 'Poor Juvia, so little and always alone. Juvia doesn't smile. Juvia doesn't know how to make friends.' "
Lucy squeezed their hand.
When they let the silence fall down upon their words, Lucy took a breath.
"When I met you, you weren't Juvia anymore," Lucy said. "It's kind of a sad name, like rain when you wish it were sunny. But now, with this name, you're a body of water, fluid and intuitive. You're not that raining, crying person anymore. You're Lockser. And that can be anyone. Whoever you are. Whoever you want. And it can change, too."
They choked.
"Sometimes…I wish I could be like you," they whispered. They were one breath away from crying. "A woman who is…whatever. Whatever I want. Not just because it would be easy to be a woman, but because…what is woman, anyway? What is gender? I could just go by 'woman' and use female pronouns and be who I am. And wouldn't that help us work toward a world where 'man' and 'woman' don't exist anymore? Where gender isn't even something we contemplate?
"Maybe I'm failing us all by saying I'm not a woman. I'm basically saying that the definition of womanhood isn't flexible enough or broad enough to suit me. I'm abandoning ship, instead of trying to redeem it. And after all the centuries of our society stomping on women, that makes me… Not a warrior. Not like you, who is fighting to change things and make it better. It makes me someone who gives up.
"But at the same time, the world hasn't changed enough for me. Even if I could go by any label and use any pronouns, and if within myself I know who I am and I'm okay…there would still be other problems. I can't decide how others define gender, how they perceive me. If they think I'm a woman and automatically place me under their definition of woman, they're going to treat me a certain way, and that way may get…uncomfortable. It might all be wrong."
"You think about all this?" Lucy asked.
"All the time."
"Wow. I…don't know what to say."
Once upon a time, it would've made them scared hearing that: they'd want to scurry back to the safety of things which the other person understood, to stop trying to be vulnerable and perhaps be misconstrued. Mis-seen. But tonight, they were riding a wave, powering unafraid into unfamiliar waters. They weren't scared of her.
"The reason why I call myself genderqueer," they said, "ultimately comes down to something simple: location. Where I'm comfortable. I'm uncomfortable with women's toilets—honestly, some of it was when I was a kid: I knew I liked girls, and everyone is so insistent when you're young that boys and girls can't go in each other's toilets, but in my childhood understanding, I basically was a boy, because I wanted to marry a girl, and that's what makes a boy, right?" They laughed. "So that one's obvious.
"But there are other things. I get embarrassed standing in the women's section in a store. The idea of someone looking at me and thinking I belong there rubs me the wrong way. I feel very uncomfortable surrounded by all these clothes I would never wear and all these messages about bodies which don't feel like they apply to me. I don't think of myself as a male-gaze-y sexual object, so it just doesn't compute. Contrast that to the men's section, where I do, in fact, feel comfortable. The clothes are actually practical. I don't feel surrounded by messages that are trying to shame the women I fall for."
They smiled at Lucy at this point, and she smiled shyly back.
"Or take parties," they went on. "I'm not usually comfortable hanging out in a group of women. I don't feel like I relate. But a group of enbies, or queer folks, or a mixed group…that I feel okay about. Even hanging out with the guys—Gray and Gaj have been my only true best friends for ages.
"They all sound like silly things, but it's those things which convince me that no, I'm not a woman: I belong here. Wherever 'here' is. This is who I am. And that label…it doesn't fit. Even if I am betraying the people who share my biology. Even if I am being a bad feminist."
"You're not a bad feminist, Lockser," Lucy broke in definitively. "At all. Remember your takedown of Loke when he tried to say Mad Max Fury Road had no point? Or tonight when that coworker tried to mansplain you and you stopped him in his tracks? You are a fighter, darling. For equality, for everyone. Whatever gender you go by."
"Th-Thanks," they said, surprisingly touched. Apparently there were insecurities they still hadn't addressed in their heart. They ought to get things off their chest more often. Speaking of…
"Thank you for listening," they said, voice softening. Somewhere along the line, they'd lost the urge to cry and were smiling. "I really needed to say all that. I've never said that aloud before."
To their complete surprise, Lucy gave a muffled sniff. When they looked over, she was wiping away a tear.
"What's wrong?" they burst out.
"Nothing, I'm sorry," Lucy snuffled. "I just…think you shouldn't have to thank someone for listening to you. And also, you're brilliant and you inspire me. And also, I feel so…touched…honored…incredible inside that you would talk to me. I've done nothing to deserve it."
"Lucy," they said seriously, "I've never felt okay before. But I feel okay when I'm around you. I fit with you."
Laughing wetly, she wiped her eyes. "Yes, you do, lovely."
"I think… What if…" They shook their head. "What if I did call myself a woman? Like one day I changed my mind? Used 'she' pronouns, just because it's easy?"
"That would be fine, if you felt like it. Although," Lucy added, "just because you have…you know, breasts doesn't mean it's easier to go by 'she.' "
"Isn't it?"
Lucy shrugged.
She gave no answers, but they felt themselves expanding into the space left open by all these words.
"I could be anyone…"
"You could be. I like you whichever way."
When they glanced over to catch Lucy's eye, a freeing smile turning up their lips, they found she was blushing. That made them lean up on an elbow: Lucy didn't blush, didn't get embarrassed. She was brave and bold and barefaced.
"You like me?" they asked, raising their eyebrows flirtatiously.
"I thought that was obvious," Lucy said, smiling in a private, special way and looking down at the carpet. Red deepened across her face.
"It is," Lockser said, finding they were beaming uncontrollably. "You're really obvious."
"Yeah." Lucy laughed.
Reaching out, they touched her chin. The pair stared at each other, and Lockser could clearly see as Lucy's breath slowed, her body falling still. Curious and gentle, they rubbed their thumb along her chin, barely touching her lip. Lucy inhaled stiffly.
A slow burgeoning excitement filled the room around them. Lockser could feel a tingling in their extremities that was pleasant and strange. Time had lost its cohesion, was coming apart in spools. There was just a beautiful human being, and Lockser suddenly could see how perfectly close they were, how their hearts were beating the exact same beat.
"You can," Lucy murmured hoarsely. "If you were waiting for permission."
At their smile, her lips parted in a breathy laugh, eyes wide, hopeful, and fixed on them.
As they leaned in and kissed her, they were in tune with their body. They felt like themself, empowered and aligned and right. Like there was nothing to fear.
Like they were perfect.
Lucy was taking small, yearning gasps between each kiss, dipping back and forward against them to kiss each part of their mouth. She kissed the corner of their mouth, darted her tongue across their lips, then sucked softly on their bottom lip.
They were dizzy. Giddy and falling into an endless peaceful moment. Yet another place where they were at ease.
Fingertips ran along the edge of their collar to their throat. They let her take control, her guiding the pair of them closer until they were lying lengthwise on the carpet, pressed up together.
"I like you," Lucy murmured, nipping at their lips. "I like you. I like you…"
They sighed. Wrapping a hand around her waist, they ran their palm along the hollow curve of her hip. This: they wanted this. Wanted to be close, to be here, to have her against them like this. They wanted everything in this moment.
They wanted Lucy to be in every moment.
"I like you too," Lockser said. "In case I wasn't as obvious as you."
Lucy let out a merry laugh and fell against them giggling, head ducked against their chin.
"You're sweet," she said. She nibbled their ear.
Leaning down, they inhaled shakily against her mouth, closed their eyes, and murmured, "So are you, Lucy. That's part of why I like you."
They opened their eyes and found her staring at them fondly. They loved how much she was blushing this evening.
A/N: I shipped Erlu (still do), but then discovered Luvia. It's a perfect ship. (Lucy is shippable with all the ladies in Fairy Tail honestly.)