Disclaimer: You think I own House?! You're crazier than I am and that's saying something. I wish I owned David Cook but sadly I don't nor will I ever own him.

We've been here before
We'll be here again
So go on and rest your head
Before you lose it again
We're leaning on each other
Or at least I can pretend
That we didn't lose it all again
It could have been different
It could have all been the same
But now I'm sitting at your front door, singing

I don't know what brought on my sudden insight into my relationship with House. I guess it was Amber's death. I know it wasn't his fault and he risked his life to save her but it still hurts like hell. I guess I realized he was the reason all my marriages and relationships failed. I couldn't commit solely to one woman, I commit to House and House alone. My blow-up cost me my friendship and the one person who was always there. I wish I could go back in time and never let this happen. Now I'm standing at the front door of my apartment and looking inside I wish I never left him. Our arguments never lasted before this one. I realize I don't want to be close to him because I love him and couldn't go back now. He wouldn't believe my reason for leaving or for coming back either.

When everything's the same
And nothing ever changes
Will you fall back into me, oh
You see, everything's estranged
A million empty faces
So will you fall back into me?

I think about him and how he pushed Stacy away after the infarction and yet he clung to me as if I were his oxygen. All the faces of the hookers he pays to keep him company are haunting me and I hope to heaven that they haunt him too when all is said and done. He always runs to me when he gets hurt and I never get anything in return. Do I do anything or let him be himself with no expectations? I'm so confused, this fight is turning out to be less about grief and mourning and more about sorting out my muddled thoughts and feelings.

Congratulations
You left me
A little jaded and rejected
And so I lost it again
You chew me up, you throw away
As I continue to pretend
That we didn't lose it all again
I guess its never different
I guess its all the same
So now I'm bloodied by my fist, clenched, swinging

I finally let him push me away. I really do love him but I can't take it anymore. I know he won't accept my love or anyone else's either. I can't let him bring me down any farther. Nothing changes with House. I know I could pretend everything is fine but I can't, not anymore. I'm not some toy he can play with, toss aside, and come back to later in the day. I just want to beat him, or smack that goddamned smirk off his face, but I won't because I love him, even if he'll never know.

I was a name across you lips
It's time to spit me out
I play the game when my heart rips
It's time to hear me out

I wish he would let me go. I can't continue living in this way, forgiving everything but forgetting nothing. It's time for House to let me go and to move on. I can't love him and be in the same hospital as him. I can't play his games with this broken heart. If he could hear me now, he'd scoff and call me a sentimental bastard but I can't go on like this. I'm a shell of who I used to be, I can't take it anymore. I wish he'd hear me out and let me explain why, but not only is it too late he wouldn't anyway and so I won't tell him. I'll suffer through until I'm positive I can handle being anywhere near him again.