A/N: I've been wanting to write this for a ridiculously long time, and I finally got around to it :) It's obviously highly AU, and a bit more on the comedic side than 'Greatness' so it's a welcome break from Canon.

If you haven't seen 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith', I'd suggest you YouTube the trailer so you know what's going on.

Let me know your thoughts, hope you all enjoy! :D

"Alright then," Rodolphus Lestrange says smoothly, "I'll go first."

Drumming his fingers against the arm of his chair, he fixes the therapist with a rather condescending smile.

"You see, we don't really need to be here," he says casually, trying to ignore his wife's sudden smirk. He suspects that she's rather amused by the therapist's somewhat earnest demeanour as well.

"We've been married five years," he continues, "and-"

"Six," Bellatrix interjects coolly, the fake smile still in place. She crosses one slender leg over the other, her hands still folded neatly in her lap; playing the role of a perfect pure-blooded wife with ease.

Rodolphus grits his teeth as he notes a glimmer of sympathy appearing in the therapist's eyes. Eyes that are currently attempting to discreetly rove over the bare legs of his wife.

"Five, six years," he says easily, trying not to let his disdain show. "And...this is like...a check-up for us," he offers, and Bellatrix nods in agreement.

Five pre-paid sessions with the Wizarding World's most renowned marriage counsellor. It was precisely the kind of gift Narcissa Malfoy would think to purchase for them, he growls inwardly, rage coursing through his veins again even as he continues to smile.

"A chance to confront any Boggarts, beat the Bludger, you know what I mean," Rodolphus says conversationally.

Bellatrix tries and fails to hide her smirk. Though she'd been as inwardly furious as Rodolphus by Narcissa's gift, she'd thought-quite correctly-that it would, at the very least, be the perfect opportunity to irritate her husband.

"Very well then," the therapist says, nodding, "let's tackle the Boggart."

Sitting back more comfortably in his seat, he fixes the handsome couple with a scrutinising look. He can't quite put his finger on it, but they seem remarkably poised, as though carefully guarding something from him.

He dismisses the thought as quickly as it came-after all, what could the Lestrange couple be hiding? First time therapy nerves, he concludes, searching his pocket for a quill to note his observations.

"On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you as a couple?" he asks, beginning with the usual questions he asks every couple.

Bellatrix's answer is instantaneous, her expression and voice emotionless as she responds, "eight."

Rodolphus, on the other hand, is more wary, a hint of confusion appearing on his face. "Wait," he says, waving a hand through the air as he speaks. "Ten being perfectly happy and one being completely miserable...Or?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he notices as Bellatrix turns to roll her eyes at him, shooting a look of pure exasperation at him as she sighs heavily.

"Just respond instinctively," the therapist suggests helpfully, and the couple nods.

"Ok then," Rodolphus says, shooting Bellatrix a quick glance which she ignores. "Ready?" he asks, smiling slightly as he notices his wife's knuckles whiten.

"Ready," she responds calmly, still wearing the same unwavering smile.

"Eight," the couple replies in unison.

"How often do you have sex?"

For the faintest moment, Bellatrix's composure seems to waver slightly as her smile tightens.

"I don't understand the question," she says bluntly, drumming her fingers against her knee.

"Yeah, I'm lost," Rodolphus says with fake concern, narrowing his eyes at the therapist as his gaze flickers to Bellatrix's legs once more.

"Is this a 'one to ten' thing?" he asks, a sneer playing about his mouth.

"Is 'one' very little...or is 'one' nothing?" Bellatrix asks, her brow furrowed slightly in thought. "Because...technically speaking," she grins, "zero would be nothing."

Rodolphus has to bite his lip to stop from chuckling at his wife's mocking tone.

"How about this week?" the therapist continues, apparently unfazed by the blank looks on their faces.

Rodolphus actually pauses to consider the question for a moment, while Bellatrix begins a pattern of curling her hands into fists and massaging her wrists, before coolly examining her nails.

"Including the weekend?" he asks suddenly, almost hopefully, the therapist thinks, and Bellatrix's jaw tenses as she purses her lips.

She's going to kill Narcissa for this.

"Describe how you first met."

A bright, genuine smile actually appears on Bellatrix's face at the memory, while a wistful smirk twists Rodolphus' lips.

"It was in Italy," she says with a semblance of fondness.

"Milan," Rodolphus adds helpfully, "five years ago."

Bellatrix's smile stiffens as her husband continues to beam relaxedly like an idiot sorted into Hufflepuff.

"Six."

A/N: I know this is a little short, but it seemed like a good place to stop. Next update should be up within a week!

Thoughts, opinions? :)