The Genesis of Haruhi Suzumiya
Inspired by the Lolcat Bible and created during a flamewar about religion in a Kongregate chatroom.
Disclaimer: For Parody purposes only. If you are not comfortable with parodies of religious texts, DO NOT READ THIS or YOU WILL BE OFFENDED. Since, you know: It's a parody of a religious text.
Oh and it also spoils the first seven Episodes of "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya", which I of course do not own the rights of. Nagaru Tanigawa, Kadokawa Shoten and Kyoto Animation do.
In the beginning, there was a schoolgirl. But who made HER Sailor Uniform? Many smart men came to the conclusion that the world was created by a naked girl.
On the zeroeth episode, GOD showed a crappy student movie that would only be explained way later, because an asynchronous order makes a series seem intellectual by confusing people. And she saw that they were confused. And then GOD created the world, because that was asynchronous too. SHE found it kinda lacked sliders and ghosts, but it was a good enough for Beta testing. SHE then divided the world into two split personalities: Tsun and Dere.
Oh and unfortunately SHE also created Sailor uniforms at some point.
And there was Hare Hare Yukai and there was Bouken Desho Desho: The first Episode.
On the first episode, SHE created Kyon, Yuki and Mikuru. Because all schoolgirls like to make friends in school. She sexually abused Mikuru, and saw that it was good. But Kyon would not sexually abuse HER, and that was a bit disappointing. Yuki was kinda just there. But she was an alien, and that's reason enough for GOD to like someone. SHE also created HER holy SOS Brigade and named HERSELF the Brigade Leader. And SHE liked HER authority a lot.
On the second Episode, GOD created the official SOS Brigade Website. And SHE saw that sexual harassment is a good solution to EVERYTHING.
Since SHE is totally hyperactive, SHE also created the holy Bunnygirl Outfit, and SHE was not the only one seeing how good that was.
And on the third episode, GOD created time travelers. And SHE made them implant their rookies with chips forcing them to say "classified information" instead of giving the actual information. Because that is just hilarious. SHE also created lots of sick fetishes, and SHE liked having them. Feeling especially hyperactive today, SHE created Itsuki Koizumi. Also lots of espers to worship HER, the holy practice of searching for mysteries at random, and the Death Penalty.
On the fourth episode, SHE created action scenes, and we all know the world would suck without them. Some crazy modder also created Porn Stashes, and SHE thought "Well it's popular, why not make it into official DLC?".
On the fifth episode, GOD decided to go on a not-a-date with Kyon, and thus created unresoved sexual tension. This concept is so complex and important that SHE only got to create little things like the meaning of life and some Closed Space and Shinjin afterward.
On the sixth episode, SHE created dreams, and of course Kyon was in them. GOD liked being with Kyon, so SHE wanted to end the beta and add that feature in the final release. However, Kyon liked the current version, and he created the K.I.S.S. mod that improved its stability. So the world stayed an unfinished testing version, and it still is to this day.
On the seventh episode, GOD just took a break from all that creating and played baseball. The prophet Kyon tells us SHE almost destroyed the world again since SHE is a sore loser, but who listens to that guy anyway, right?
And that is how the world was made. I'm super-serious.