COMPROMISES
I do not own any of these characters, this is set after the upcoming events (see spoilers for depressing J/H stuff) and hopefully this will cheer folks up.
Donna enters her room, picks up a Kleenex, then another, then another. She follows the trail 'Love Hurts' is blaring from the radio..
Donna: Jackie?
A muffled "Mmpph" sound comes from somewhere.
Donna: Jackie? (She pulls up the dust ruffle on the twin bed to reveal Jackie clutching a stuffed unicorn she is wearing a facemask in a bright shade of green) Oh for the love of GOD Jackie! (Dismayed)
Jackie: Donna. I don't deserve to see the light of day. I am going to live under the bed with Fluffycakes. At least his intentions are honorable.
Donna: Isn't that the unicorn Kelso gave you after almost breaking up with you.
(Jackie tosses the unicorn and begins to cry)
Jackie: Fine! Take away everything!
Donna drags Jackie out from under her bed. Jackie starts to shove popcorn into her mouth from the bed.
Donna: What Hyde did was awful, ok? But, this is no way to feel better about yourself. I mean Jackie.. Look at yourself.. You're green and you're eating popcorn that's on the BED.
Jackie (drops popcorn):Ohmigod Donna you're RIGHT. If I get fat, and ugly.. men might cheat on me. OH wait (sarcasm) THEY ALREADY DO! (starts munching on popcorn again)
Donna: This has nothing to do with. fat or skinny.. or you. It has to do with the slut nurse and Hyde giving into their slut ways.
Jackie: Steven is NOT a slut! Ok.. he's a slut. But I love him. (starts crying) I love my old slut boyfriend.
(Knock on door, Donna answers. Jackie shrieks to hide her face. It's Kelso)
Donna: Kelso. what are you doing here?
Kelso: (offering flowers): I'm here to see Jackie.
Donna: It's not the best time. She's sad, she's vulnerable.
Kelso: It's the perfect time.. And I'm here to show her that I love her.
Donna: Oh good GOD, not again. Please. Let's not do the whole Kelso-Jackie- Jackie-Kelso-cheat with whores-kiss cheese guys- breakup-makeout roller coaster again?
Kelso: Donna, I don't know what you're talking about.. our love it pure. We have a special bond.
Jackie: Michael.. go AWAY. (hiding under a comforter on the bed. Kelso sits next to the lump on the bed)
Donna: Yeah, it's a love throughout the ages.
Kelso: Jackie.. I love you.
Jackie pops out from under the bed, Kelso recoils at the face mask
Jackie: Really?
Kelso: (shaken) Um.. yeah.. what's that gunk on your face?
Jackie: Does it matter? If you love me?
Kelso: Ummm.. no? I mean, it's not permanent is it? I mean. Look. Jackie. I love you. (Jackie melts a little) I know you're hideous right now,.. but that crap will come off your face. it'll come off right? And you'll wash your hair and then, my love will be there because you'll be hot again. Because, my love is pure.
Donna rolls her eyes visibly in the background Jackie pauses a moment.
Jackie: Michael, you should love me now.. when my face has this gunk on it. It's a beauty mask..
Kelso: Coulda fooled me.
Jackie: AND it will make me hotter Michael. You know what? You haven't changed! (She starts to get up)
Kelso: No no. (worrying) wait. Look. I know you're upset about Hyde cheating on you. And look. I did the same thing, but that was a long time ago. And I want another chance. I want to show you I can be a better boyfriend. I mean, I'm HERE aren't I? The instant you're available.. and when you need someone... and that has to count for something.
Jackie: Michael-
Michael: Just, look. Think about it ok. Take these (hands her flowers) and meet me at the Vineyard restaurant if you want on Sunday. Ok? 7pm. (he gets up, looks at Donna all proud) And I'm payin'.( Michael leaves)
Donna: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Jackie: I don't know Donna. Maybe, maybe Michael has changed. Things weren't so bad.
Donna: He cheated like a hundred times. And now he walks in and gives you some stupid flowers and you want to go BACK to him? Has that mask constricted your BRAIN? God!
Jackie: Um, hi?.. (points) engaged to Eric? Michael cheated, but that was then. You know? And what about second chances?
Donna: Forgetting someone?
Jackie: Who?
Donna: Um, Hyde?
Interior of Bar. Cut to the inside of a bar. Hyde is sitting at the bar having a beer. Fez and Eric walk in.
Eric: Hey
Hyde: Hey
Eric: How's it going?
Fez: How's it going?? How do you think it's going? He just lost the love of his life for one night of hot nurse action! Why would you ask such a question??
Hyde: Thanks for the recap Fez.
Fez: I do what I can.
Eric: Buy you a beer?
Hyde: (looks at his full beer glass) Sure. (to bartender)Another one?
Eric: So, what're you going to do?
Hyde: There's nothing to do man.. Jackie dumped me. It's over. Pass the beer.
Fez: Eric, how soon you forget. When my Nina left me I was crushed. I think about her all the time.. playing it over and over again--Ooh beer nuts (walks to other side of bar for beer nuts, starts talking to a girl)
Eric: Ok, level with me.
Hyde: Foreman, face it. I'm not up for your stupid sensitive crap! Ok? I messed up. I blew it. I didn't tell her when I had her. And then I told her after I lost her. It never made sense anyways.
Eric: While I'm not exactly a member of the 'I Heart Jackie' fan club I think that you need to talk to her.
Hyde: There's nothing I can say, ok? I apologized. And that wasn't enough, alright? She did the right thing. For the first time she actually did the smart thing when it comes to a cheating boyfriend. It's done man, ok? (He grabs his jacket and walks out)
Fez comes back He's got a handful of beer nuts and is smiling.
Fez: Look, my nuts are plentiful..
Foreman kitchen. Kitty is baking brownies. She is dancing around the kitchen as she does stuff. Red is reading the paper.
Kitty: Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly.. la la. Gotta love my man til I die. Ba doom. Can't help loving that man of miiiine.. Mwah! (she plants a kiss on the top of Red's head and then rubs the lipstick off)
Red: What's gotten in to you?
Kitty: Well, Eric's going to be going away to school soon. so the house will be completely empty.
Red: Steven.
Kitty: As close to empty as it's been in a LONG WHILE Red. So, I want to focus on our bond.
Red: Bond? Kitty, we've shared a bed for over 20 years. I think the bond is there.
Kitty: Oh no, Red. It's not really. I was reading. (Red says it along with her, deadpan) Cosmo. right! And it says couples need to reconnect. so. I. bookedusforacouplesretreatinthemountains. (she runs across the room as she says this)
Red: WHAT? Kitty!
Kitty(offers brownies): Brownie?
Red: Kitty, we are NOT going to some hippie commune where they feed us bean sprouts and convert us to some weird cult. (takes brownie) Thanks.
Kitty: No. it's not like that at all ..
Red: Absolutely NOT.
Kitty: I already sent the check. and Bob and Joanne are coming too.
Red: Oh God.Kitty.
Kitty: If you hate it we can just shack up without the kids for the weekend in a cabin and skip all the couple stuff? (Sniffling) It's just so hard. with my baby.. leaving. and engaged..
Red: Kitty this won't work. Every time you want something your way you cry. and expect me to just.. well. crap. Fine! But I'm not doing any weird sharing of feelings like some mamby pamby sissy. And if Bob starts crying.. I'll slap him!
Kitty: (happily) You're just the most sensitive man in the world. (Hugs him.)
Cut to later in the living room. Hyde and Eric are standing at attention in front of Red and Kitty.
Red: While you're mother and I are gone. No girls. I mean it.
Eric: Right.
Kitty: No parties.
Hyde: Right.
Red: No beer.
Eric: Dad I got it. So I should call of the hookers, the deejay and the keg.
Red: Listen Mister Smart Mouth. if you break any of this rules so help me, my foot will go so far up your ass that you'll be coughing up laces for a week. Got me?
Eric: Yes sir.
Kitty: And have fun! (gives them each a hug) And Steven, if you need anything. what with everything with.
Hyde: Yeah Mrs. Foreman, I know. There's the casserole, the cupcakes, the brownies and the cake with 'I'm Sorry Sweetie" written on it. Thanks.
Kitty: (hugs him) It'll be ok.
Hyde: I'm over it.
Kitty: Ok (knowing he isn't)
They exit
The basement. there is a keg and Jackie, Eric, Kelso, Fez and Donna are there. Hyde is nowhere to be seen.
Donna: Glad to see the whole 'no beer rule' got amended.
Eric: Yeah, the caucus decided shortly after we amended the whole 'no girls' doctrine. We decided 'no ugly girls' would be a better decision.
Donna: Whew, made the cut.
Kelso: Only if you take off your shirt.
Jackie: (slapping him) Ew, Michael!
Kelso: Oh you know I'm kidding. I'm all for women wearing as much clothing as possible. Even the hot ones. I've grown. As a person. Really.
Fez: (looking at a magazine) This centerfold is very bendy.
Kelso: Where?
Donna: Yeah he's grown.
Eric: So KELSO. it's nice we have FRIENDS who are sympathetic to other FRIENDS and not moving in on FRIEND'S 'special' FRIENDS.
Kelso: (licking a Popsicle) Huh? Whatever man, go ahead, talk in 'code'. So Jackie. want to go to see a movie?
Jackie: Um, not now (looks towards Hyde's room) we'll talk Sunday.. you know.
Kelso: Ok, no pressure. NO pressure. Firstboyfriend me. No pressure! Pay no mind to my hotness, and the fact I'll be a cop. That's right. Hot cop. Could be yours.. (exits)
Donna: Jackie, what the HELL?
Jackie: What?
Eric: Um, there's this guy.. HYDE!!!! (yells it)
Jackie: Would everyone just stop? Ok? Steven.. and I.. we're done! It's over. He's a cheater. I can't date a cheater.
Eric: Kelso!
Jackie: I haven't decided, Eric! I haven't made up my mind yet. I just know it's over between Steven and me.. ok? What we had. It's done!
Hyde enters Sees Jackie.
Hyde: Hey.
Jackie: Hi.
(long pause)
Eric: Well I for one am glad this isn't awkward.
Hyde: Later.
(walks into his room)
Jackie: Well, see? (tearing up) It's done. He knows it. I know it. (she runs out)
Donna: Dammit I'm going to have to drag her out from under the bed again aren't I?
Eric: 'Fraid so.
Couples retreat. They all sit on the floor in matching sweat suits. It is a group of about 16 people.
Red: Kitty this is ridiculous. We're dressed like stupid Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum here.
Kitty: Oh Red, it's just a red sweat suit. Oh.. ha ha. Red, you're wearing Red!
Red: Is the altitude affecting you?
The seminar leader steps forward. He is a ridiculously calm man. Wearing a white sweat suit. He is very happy.
Christoph: Hello, all. And welcome to Nurturing Needs, the important couples reintroduction retreat. This retreat is meant to strengthen your bond and soothe any hurt feelings. This is a place of calm, spiritual enlightenment and dignity.
Bob and Joanne enter wearing hot pink sweat suits.
Red: (whispering) Good God Bob, you couldn't find a pink parasol to go with the damn pink sweat suit?
Bob: It's a very good color for me. It brings out my warm tones.
Red (to Joanne): You must be pretty uncomfortable in pink too.
Joanne: Well some men feel threatened by the color pink. Whatsamatta Red, did the big bad pink sweat suit make you feel like belching or some other Neanderthal ritual to reclaim your shaky sense of masculinity?
Kitty: Well, isn't this fun? Ha ha!
Christoph: Please, eyes front. First we're going to hold hands. everyone hold hands with the person next to you.
Red: Oh Christ.
Christoph: Now say. 'I value you'
Red: What are we paying for this?
Kitty: Please just, just try it. See, we're holding hands. When was the last time we held hands? Do you remember?
Red: Eyes front Kitty.
Inside of Hyde's room. The keg has been moved there. Hyde is drinking from it directly. Donna enters.
Donna: Sweet set up.
Hyde: Yeah, we have to drain the keg before the Foremans get home. Just doing my part.
Donna: How honorable.
Hyde: I think so.
Donna: Look I need to talk to you.
Hyde: If this about Jackie, I've got nothing to say.
Donna: Fine don't say anything. Just listen. Kelso asked Jackie to dinner. She might go.
Hyde: (emotionless) Ok.
Donna: Doesn't that bother you?
Hyde: If she wants Kelso, she wants Kelso.
Donna: God! You're a moron!
Hyde: I'm a moron? I'm sitting here, minding my own business.. drinking my keg.. and you come in yapping about Jackie. What do you want me to do? Cry?
Donna: Yes!.. No.. just something! Do something! I know you love her.
Hyde: Donna-
Donna: And she's crying all the time, and I'm getting serious man-biceps from draggin her out from under the bed. We're all trying to help.. and I'm angry that you're not doing anything.
Hyde: She dumped me. Ok? I cheated. I'm an ass.. ok? Is that what you want to hear?
Donna: No! I want you to forget your stupid pride and show her you give a damn about her!
Hyde: Donna, you're my friend. So I say this with love. Get out.
Donna: Fine! (Turns around angrily and slams the door. Hyde sits back starts to drink.. and stops. He leans back. Face expressionless).
Couples retreat. Red looks completely annoyed. Joanne and Bob are making the most of this game.
Joanne: Ok, first word.. say the first thing that pops into your head. Intimacy.
Bob: Pastrami on rye.
Joanne: Pastrami on Rye?
Bob: I'm hungry.
Joanne: Ok, let's try this again.
Joanne: Cherish
Bob: Um, a pickle.
Joanne: Heart
Bob: A banjo.
Red: Oh yeah. This is really groundbreaking.
Joanne: (to Red) Dinosaur
Red: (to Joanne) Flake
Kitty: Red, focus on me. Ok?
Red: Ok.
Kitty: Truth
Red: Nixon
Kitty: Tenderness
Red: Steak.
Kitty: Steak?
Red: Yeah a nice tender ribeye.
Kitty: oh, what is THIS? Me? Me me me!
Christoph intervenes
Christoph: Red I am sensing a problem
Red: Really? I'm seeing a problem.
Christoph: Clearly, there is trouble in your marriage.
Red: What?
Kitty: Well, not trouble.
Christoph: He ignores your feelings, he doesn't participate. He dropped you during the trust fall.
Red: The weird crap jangly music surprised me.
Kitty: I understand Red.
Christoph: Kitty, you're enabling the behavior.
Kitty: What?
Christoph: You're an enabler. In fact I am sensing you'll need to take another retreat.
Kitty: (getting a little miffed) Are you sensing another check?
Christoph: Clearly, Red is a man who is having problems. And he doesn't respect you, or show his love for you.
Red: Careful mister.
Christoph: Now Red, this anger you have is just an example of the love you never got as a child. Your anger is your acceptable emotion.
Joanne: Oh, if you're smart, you'll stop.
Christoph: Clearly, there's a blockage.. and it's showing in your lack of value for your wife.
Red: (on an angry rant) Just one damn minute! I don't need this stupid, hippie, white-wearing, new age crap to know I love the woman I have been married to for 22 years. We have dealt with job loss, and jackass behavior from two kids. We don't have to have the right word on some damn fool kindergarten exercise to be able to last. and if there's any more talk about it. the only blockage here will be my foot up your stupid hairy hippie ass!
Christoph: (very afraid) Refund, of course, sir! (he scurries off)
Kitty: Oh Red, you're the most romantic man I've ever met. (they kiss)
Red: Now we've got about another 20 minutes before that weirdo gets us checked out. What's say we get to the cabin and get out of these damn matching clothes?
Kitty: Oh Red! Ha ha ha ha! (they run off)
Joanne: Wow. Red's got his own language for expressing things. Good for them.
Bob: Joanne, are we going to finish this exercise?
Joanne: OK,.. 'trust'
Bob: Sombrero.
Joanne: let's go Bob.
Bob: Right.. (they get up to exit)
At the restaurant Kelso waits. There are two wine glasses set out. He enters. Sits down. Looks at his watch. Jackie enters. Kelso smiles and pulls out her chair. She sits.
In the basement. Donna is sitting on the couch. Hyde wanders out.
Hyde: Hey Donna, Hey Hey Donna..(flops on the couch)
Donna: So, you're drunk.
Hyde: So.. yeah. Just wanted to say, I didn't mean to yell at you back there.
Donna: Eh, I'm used to it. Dilweed.
Hyde: Shrew
Donna: (laughing) Hey!
Hyde: So. How is she?
Donna: Not good Hyde.
Hyde: Yeah. It's my fault you know.
Donna: It's nobody's fault.
Hyde: I thought she was with Kelso.
Donna: I know.
Hyde: She loves him. You know? You broke up with Eric. You still loved him, and now you're engaged.
Donna: Hyde, Kelso's always gonna be her first. And you have to accept that.
Hyde: Well, now I don't. She's back with him.
Donna: No, she's thinking about it.
Hyde: Same thing. We all know how this goes. They've survived stupidity, whores.. and Kelso. I was the guy to tide her over.
Donna: Is this about her, or you?
Hyde: What do you mean?
Donna: She loves you.
Hyde: Yeah.
(pause.. Donna embraces Hyde in a hug, throwing one arm over his shoulder. He sighs. Jackie enters the basement.)
Jackie: (quietly, and lightly, without anger): Get off my boyfriend.
They look up. Donna, gets up.
Donna: Few too many people in this room. Hey whadday know.. it's me.(she exits)
Hyde: So. Hey.
Jackie: Hi.
She sits.
Hyde: So, those words sound familiar.
Jackie: Yeah. Better this time.
Hyde: Right.
Jackie: Look Steven, I'm angry with you.
Hyde: I know.
Jackie: You betrayed me. You did what I said I'd never put up with again. You broke my heart.
Hyde: And there's nothing I can say Jackie, I'm sorry. And I can't make it better. I can't fix it. I can't throw anything at the problem. And I can't do it again differently. It happened. I'm no better than Kelso, and you shouldn't take me back.
Jackie: I want to know why. Why did you do this to me?
Hyde: I don't know. I saw you with him. I just went crazy. And I tried to forget about it. And not let it bug me. But it did. It kept at me. And then this nurse-
Jackie: I don't want to hear about her.
Hyde: Right.
Jackie: Do you want me back?
Hyde: It doesn't matter what I want here. I'm the one who screwed up.
Jackie: It does matter Steven. What do you want? If you could have it your way.
A Long pause.
Hyde: I'd want to spend every day trying to make it up to you. Every damn day. Even if we had to start all over again. From square one.
Jackie: Ok. What else? (tearing up)
Hyde: You wouldn't have to touch me, or let me touch you. Because it wouldn't be fair. I shouldn't be allowed to do that anymore. You should be allowed to dress hot and drive me crazy out of my mind until I feel like I want to shoot someone without me being able to damn thing about it. (his voice is hoarse)
Jackie: Ok. Anything else? (sniffling)
Hyde: And you wouldn't have to listen to anything I say. I'd let you tell me what to do. I'd be as whipped as Foreman. You can have all my pride.
Jackie: Ok. Are you finished?
Long pause.
Hyde: And you wouldn't have to love me back.
Jackie pauses thoughfully She reaches out and touches his hand. Hyde hangs his head, ashamed.
Jackie: I don't want you to do that.
Hyde: (Drops her hand and stands up slowly) Ok, so we're done here.
Jackie: No. (she stands) I don't want you to do what I say. I want you to argue with me. I want you to tell me when you think I'm being crazy and selfish. I want you to tell me when I am making you angry Steven. I want you to tell me when you feel something. And I want you to touch me. And I want to touch you. And I'm going to love you back.
Hyde: Why are you doing all this? Are you crazy? What about Kelso?
Jackie: I went to dinner with Michael, or rather.. wine with Michael. He started saying all the reasons I should go back to him. And how I need him. And Michael's my friend. I don't want to be with him. I want to be with you. Because it's my decision. And because you never tried to push me to take you back. Because you feel so upset about it, you don't even want to be touched. (she touches his face, he flinches a bit)
Hyde: (a man tortured) I'm sorry. I'm so.. so..
Jackie pulls him to her and they hug. They sink down onto the couch.
Jackie: It'll take a little time Steven, and we're going to have to start over. You'll have to trust me. I want to be the soft place for you to land.
Hyde: I'm sorry.
Jackie: That's the last I'm sorry. From now on, we start over.
Jackie leans over and kisses him. He holds onto her tightly. They curl up on the couch and just hold one another.
Donna and Eric sit on the roof of the Vista Cruiser. It is night.
Donna: So again, balance has returned to the galaxy.
Eric: Well, if you call anything Jackie does 'balanced' than yeah.
Donna: I'm glad.
Eric: So, if I ever cheated on you, would you take me back?
Donna: Who would you cheat with? (smiles)
Eric: Oh, we're so not playing this game.
Donna: C'mon cheater. Who? Who?
Eric: Playboy playmate June 1977
Donna: (sarcastic) Oh that's happening.
Eric: Hey my hypothetical!
Donna: OK, than in my hypothetical I'm married to Burt Reynolds.
Eric: How is that even part of.
Donna: (grumpily) So go off with your slut, cheater!
Eric: Oh.. well that's just great.
THE END
I do not own any of these characters, this is set after the upcoming events (see spoilers for depressing J/H stuff) and hopefully this will cheer folks up.
Donna enters her room, picks up a Kleenex, then another, then another. She follows the trail 'Love Hurts' is blaring from the radio..
Donna: Jackie?
A muffled "Mmpph" sound comes from somewhere.
Donna: Jackie? (She pulls up the dust ruffle on the twin bed to reveal Jackie clutching a stuffed unicorn she is wearing a facemask in a bright shade of green) Oh for the love of GOD Jackie! (Dismayed)
Jackie: Donna. I don't deserve to see the light of day. I am going to live under the bed with Fluffycakes. At least his intentions are honorable.
Donna: Isn't that the unicorn Kelso gave you after almost breaking up with you.
(Jackie tosses the unicorn and begins to cry)
Jackie: Fine! Take away everything!
Donna drags Jackie out from under her bed. Jackie starts to shove popcorn into her mouth from the bed.
Donna: What Hyde did was awful, ok? But, this is no way to feel better about yourself. I mean Jackie.. Look at yourself.. You're green and you're eating popcorn that's on the BED.
Jackie (drops popcorn):Ohmigod Donna you're RIGHT. If I get fat, and ugly.. men might cheat on me. OH wait (sarcasm) THEY ALREADY DO! (starts munching on popcorn again)
Donna: This has nothing to do with. fat or skinny.. or you. It has to do with the slut nurse and Hyde giving into their slut ways.
Jackie: Steven is NOT a slut! Ok.. he's a slut. But I love him. (starts crying) I love my old slut boyfriend.
(Knock on door, Donna answers. Jackie shrieks to hide her face. It's Kelso)
Donna: Kelso. what are you doing here?
Kelso: (offering flowers): I'm here to see Jackie.
Donna: It's not the best time. She's sad, she's vulnerable.
Kelso: It's the perfect time.. And I'm here to show her that I love her.
Donna: Oh good GOD, not again. Please. Let's not do the whole Kelso-Jackie- Jackie-Kelso-cheat with whores-kiss cheese guys- breakup-makeout roller coaster again?
Kelso: Donna, I don't know what you're talking about.. our love it pure. We have a special bond.
Jackie: Michael.. go AWAY. (hiding under a comforter on the bed. Kelso sits next to the lump on the bed)
Donna: Yeah, it's a love throughout the ages.
Kelso: Jackie.. I love you.
Jackie pops out from under the bed, Kelso recoils at the face mask
Jackie: Really?
Kelso: (shaken) Um.. yeah.. what's that gunk on your face?
Jackie: Does it matter? If you love me?
Kelso: Ummm.. no? I mean, it's not permanent is it? I mean. Look. Jackie. I love you. (Jackie melts a little) I know you're hideous right now,.. but that crap will come off your face. it'll come off right? And you'll wash your hair and then, my love will be there because you'll be hot again. Because, my love is pure.
Donna rolls her eyes visibly in the background Jackie pauses a moment.
Jackie: Michael, you should love me now.. when my face has this gunk on it. It's a beauty mask..
Kelso: Coulda fooled me.
Jackie: AND it will make me hotter Michael. You know what? You haven't changed! (She starts to get up)
Kelso: No no. (worrying) wait. Look. I know you're upset about Hyde cheating on you. And look. I did the same thing, but that was a long time ago. And I want another chance. I want to show you I can be a better boyfriend. I mean, I'm HERE aren't I? The instant you're available.. and when you need someone... and that has to count for something.
Jackie: Michael-
Michael: Just, look. Think about it ok. Take these (hands her flowers) and meet me at the Vineyard restaurant if you want on Sunday. Ok? 7pm. (he gets up, looks at Donna all proud) And I'm payin'.( Michael leaves)
Donna: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Jackie: I don't know Donna. Maybe, maybe Michael has changed. Things weren't so bad.
Donna: He cheated like a hundred times. And now he walks in and gives you some stupid flowers and you want to go BACK to him? Has that mask constricted your BRAIN? God!
Jackie: Um, hi?.. (points) engaged to Eric? Michael cheated, but that was then. You know? And what about second chances?
Donna: Forgetting someone?
Jackie: Who?
Donna: Um, Hyde?
Interior of Bar. Cut to the inside of a bar. Hyde is sitting at the bar having a beer. Fez and Eric walk in.
Eric: Hey
Hyde: Hey
Eric: How's it going?
Fez: How's it going?? How do you think it's going? He just lost the love of his life for one night of hot nurse action! Why would you ask such a question??
Hyde: Thanks for the recap Fez.
Fez: I do what I can.
Eric: Buy you a beer?
Hyde: (looks at his full beer glass) Sure. (to bartender)Another one?
Eric: So, what're you going to do?
Hyde: There's nothing to do man.. Jackie dumped me. It's over. Pass the beer.
Fez: Eric, how soon you forget. When my Nina left me I was crushed. I think about her all the time.. playing it over and over again--Ooh beer nuts (walks to other side of bar for beer nuts, starts talking to a girl)
Eric: Ok, level with me.
Hyde: Foreman, face it. I'm not up for your stupid sensitive crap! Ok? I messed up. I blew it. I didn't tell her when I had her. And then I told her after I lost her. It never made sense anyways.
Eric: While I'm not exactly a member of the 'I Heart Jackie' fan club I think that you need to talk to her.
Hyde: There's nothing I can say, ok? I apologized. And that wasn't enough, alright? She did the right thing. For the first time she actually did the smart thing when it comes to a cheating boyfriend. It's done man, ok? (He grabs his jacket and walks out)
Fez comes back He's got a handful of beer nuts and is smiling.
Fez: Look, my nuts are plentiful..
Foreman kitchen. Kitty is baking brownies. She is dancing around the kitchen as she does stuff. Red is reading the paper.
Kitty: Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly.. la la. Gotta love my man til I die. Ba doom. Can't help loving that man of miiiine.. Mwah! (she plants a kiss on the top of Red's head and then rubs the lipstick off)
Red: What's gotten in to you?
Kitty: Well, Eric's going to be going away to school soon. so the house will be completely empty.
Red: Steven.
Kitty: As close to empty as it's been in a LONG WHILE Red. So, I want to focus on our bond.
Red: Bond? Kitty, we've shared a bed for over 20 years. I think the bond is there.
Kitty: Oh no, Red. It's not really. I was reading. (Red says it along with her, deadpan) Cosmo. right! And it says couples need to reconnect. so. I. bookedusforacouplesretreatinthemountains. (she runs across the room as she says this)
Red: WHAT? Kitty!
Kitty(offers brownies): Brownie?
Red: Kitty, we are NOT going to some hippie commune where they feed us bean sprouts and convert us to some weird cult. (takes brownie) Thanks.
Kitty: No. it's not like that at all ..
Red: Absolutely NOT.
Kitty: I already sent the check. and Bob and Joanne are coming too.
Red: Oh God.Kitty.
Kitty: If you hate it we can just shack up without the kids for the weekend in a cabin and skip all the couple stuff? (Sniffling) It's just so hard. with my baby.. leaving. and engaged..
Red: Kitty this won't work. Every time you want something your way you cry. and expect me to just.. well. crap. Fine! But I'm not doing any weird sharing of feelings like some mamby pamby sissy. And if Bob starts crying.. I'll slap him!
Kitty: (happily) You're just the most sensitive man in the world. (Hugs him.)
Cut to later in the living room. Hyde and Eric are standing at attention in front of Red and Kitty.
Red: While you're mother and I are gone. No girls. I mean it.
Eric: Right.
Kitty: No parties.
Hyde: Right.
Red: No beer.
Eric: Dad I got it. So I should call of the hookers, the deejay and the keg.
Red: Listen Mister Smart Mouth. if you break any of this rules so help me, my foot will go so far up your ass that you'll be coughing up laces for a week. Got me?
Eric: Yes sir.
Kitty: And have fun! (gives them each a hug) And Steven, if you need anything. what with everything with.
Hyde: Yeah Mrs. Foreman, I know. There's the casserole, the cupcakes, the brownies and the cake with 'I'm Sorry Sweetie" written on it. Thanks.
Kitty: (hugs him) It'll be ok.
Hyde: I'm over it.
Kitty: Ok (knowing he isn't)
They exit
The basement. there is a keg and Jackie, Eric, Kelso, Fez and Donna are there. Hyde is nowhere to be seen.
Donna: Glad to see the whole 'no beer rule' got amended.
Eric: Yeah, the caucus decided shortly after we amended the whole 'no girls' doctrine. We decided 'no ugly girls' would be a better decision.
Donna: Whew, made the cut.
Kelso: Only if you take off your shirt.
Jackie: (slapping him) Ew, Michael!
Kelso: Oh you know I'm kidding. I'm all for women wearing as much clothing as possible. Even the hot ones. I've grown. As a person. Really.
Fez: (looking at a magazine) This centerfold is very bendy.
Kelso: Where?
Donna: Yeah he's grown.
Eric: So KELSO. it's nice we have FRIENDS who are sympathetic to other FRIENDS and not moving in on FRIEND'S 'special' FRIENDS.
Kelso: (licking a Popsicle) Huh? Whatever man, go ahead, talk in 'code'. So Jackie. want to go to see a movie?
Jackie: Um, not now (looks towards Hyde's room) we'll talk Sunday.. you know.
Kelso: Ok, no pressure. NO pressure. Firstboyfriend me. No pressure! Pay no mind to my hotness, and the fact I'll be a cop. That's right. Hot cop. Could be yours.. (exits)
Donna: Jackie, what the HELL?
Jackie: What?
Eric: Um, there's this guy.. HYDE!!!! (yells it)
Jackie: Would everyone just stop? Ok? Steven.. and I.. we're done! It's over. He's a cheater. I can't date a cheater.
Eric: Kelso!
Jackie: I haven't decided, Eric! I haven't made up my mind yet. I just know it's over between Steven and me.. ok? What we had. It's done!
Hyde enters Sees Jackie.
Hyde: Hey.
Jackie: Hi.
(long pause)
Eric: Well I for one am glad this isn't awkward.
Hyde: Later.
(walks into his room)
Jackie: Well, see? (tearing up) It's done. He knows it. I know it. (she runs out)
Donna: Dammit I'm going to have to drag her out from under the bed again aren't I?
Eric: 'Fraid so.
Couples retreat. They all sit on the floor in matching sweat suits. It is a group of about 16 people.
Red: Kitty this is ridiculous. We're dressed like stupid Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum here.
Kitty: Oh Red, it's just a red sweat suit. Oh.. ha ha. Red, you're wearing Red!
Red: Is the altitude affecting you?
The seminar leader steps forward. He is a ridiculously calm man. Wearing a white sweat suit. He is very happy.
Christoph: Hello, all. And welcome to Nurturing Needs, the important couples reintroduction retreat. This retreat is meant to strengthen your bond and soothe any hurt feelings. This is a place of calm, spiritual enlightenment and dignity.
Bob and Joanne enter wearing hot pink sweat suits.
Red: (whispering) Good God Bob, you couldn't find a pink parasol to go with the damn pink sweat suit?
Bob: It's a very good color for me. It brings out my warm tones.
Red (to Joanne): You must be pretty uncomfortable in pink too.
Joanne: Well some men feel threatened by the color pink. Whatsamatta Red, did the big bad pink sweat suit make you feel like belching or some other Neanderthal ritual to reclaim your shaky sense of masculinity?
Kitty: Well, isn't this fun? Ha ha!
Christoph: Please, eyes front. First we're going to hold hands. everyone hold hands with the person next to you.
Red: Oh Christ.
Christoph: Now say. 'I value you'
Red: What are we paying for this?
Kitty: Please just, just try it. See, we're holding hands. When was the last time we held hands? Do you remember?
Red: Eyes front Kitty.
Inside of Hyde's room. The keg has been moved there. Hyde is drinking from it directly. Donna enters.
Donna: Sweet set up.
Hyde: Yeah, we have to drain the keg before the Foremans get home. Just doing my part.
Donna: How honorable.
Hyde: I think so.
Donna: Look I need to talk to you.
Hyde: If this about Jackie, I've got nothing to say.
Donna: Fine don't say anything. Just listen. Kelso asked Jackie to dinner. She might go.
Hyde: (emotionless) Ok.
Donna: Doesn't that bother you?
Hyde: If she wants Kelso, she wants Kelso.
Donna: God! You're a moron!
Hyde: I'm a moron? I'm sitting here, minding my own business.. drinking my keg.. and you come in yapping about Jackie. What do you want me to do? Cry?
Donna: Yes!.. No.. just something! Do something! I know you love her.
Hyde: Donna-
Donna: And she's crying all the time, and I'm getting serious man-biceps from draggin her out from under the bed. We're all trying to help.. and I'm angry that you're not doing anything.
Hyde: She dumped me. Ok? I cheated. I'm an ass.. ok? Is that what you want to hear?
Donna: No! I want you to forget your stupid pride and show her you give a damn about her!
Hyde: Donna, you're my friend. So I say this with love. Get out.
Donna: Fine! (Turns around angrily and slams the door. Hyde sits back starts to drink.. and stops. He leans back. Face expressionless).
Couples retreat. Red looks completely annoyed. Joanne and Bob are making the most of this game.
Joanne: Ok, first word.. say the first thing that pops into your head. Intimacy.
Bob: Pastrami on rye.
Joanne: Pastrami on Rye?
Bob: I'm hungry.
Joanne: Ok, let's try this again.
Joanne: Cherish
Bob: Um, a pickle.
Joanne: Heart
Bob: A banjo.
Red: Oh yeah. This is really groundbreaking.
Joanne: (to Red) Dinosaur
Red: (to Joanne) Flake
Kitty: Red, focus on me. Ok?
Red: Ok.
Kitty: Truth
Red: Nixon
Kitty: Tenderness
Red: Steak.
Kitty: Steak?
Red: Yeah a nice tender ribeye.
Kitty: oh, what is THIS? Me? Me me me!
Christoph intervenes
Christoph: Red I am sensing a problem
Red: Really? I'm seeing a problem.
Christoph: Clearly, there is trouble in your marriage.
Red: What?
Kitty: Well, not trouble.
Christoph: He ignores your feelings, he doesn't participate. He dropped you during the trust fall.
Red: The weird crap jangly music surprised me.
Kitty: I understand Red.
Christoph: Kitty, you're enabling the behavior.
Kitty: What?
Christoph: You're an enabler. In fact I am sensing you'll need to take another retreat.
Kitty: (getting a little miffed) Are you sensing another check?
Christoph: Clearly, Red is a man who is having problems. And he doesn't respect you, or show his love for you.
Red: Careful mister.
Christoph: Now Red, this anger you have is just an example of the love you never got as a child. Your anger is your acceptable emotion.
Joanne: Oh, if you're smart, you'll stop.
Christoph: Clearly, there's a blockage.. and it's showing in your lack of value for your wife.
Red: (on an angry rant) Just one damn minute! I don't need this stupid, hippie, white-wearing, new age crap to know I love the woman I have been married to for 22 years. We have dealt with job loss, and jackass behavior from two kids. We don't have to have the right word on some damn fool kindergarten exercise to be able to last. and if there's any more talk about it. the only blockage here will be my foot up your stupid hairy hippie ass!
Christoph: (very afraid) Refund, of course, sir! (he scurries off)
Kitty: Oh Red, you're the most romantic man I've ever met. (they kiss)
Red: Now we've got about another 20 minutes before that weirdo gets us checked out. What's say we get to the cabin and get out of these damn matching clothes?
Kitty: Oh Red! Ha ha ha ha! (they run off)
Joanne: Wow. Red's got his own language for expressing things. Good for them.
Bob: Joanne, are we going to finish this exercise?
Joanne: OK,.. 'trust'
Bob: Sombrero.
Joanne: let's go Bob.
Bob: Right.. (they get up to exit)
At the restaurant Kelso waits. There are two wine glasses set out. He enters. Sits down. Looks at his watch. Jackie enters. Kelso smiles and pulls out her chair. She sits.
In the basement. Donna is sitting on the couch. Hyde wanders out.
Hyde: Hey Donna, Hey Hey Donna..(flops on the couch)
Donna: So, you're drunk.
Hyde: So.. yeah. Just wanted to say, I didn't mean to yell at you back there.
Donna: Eh, I'm used to it. Dilweed.
Hyde: Shrew
Donna: (laughing) Hey!
Hyde: So. How is she?
Donna: Not good Hyde.
Hyde: Yeah. It's my fault you know.
Donna: It's nobody's fault.
Hyde: I thought she was with Kelso.
Donna: I know.
Hyde: She loves him. You know? You broke up with Eric. You still loved him, and now you're engaged.
Donna: Hyde, Kelso's always gonna be her first. And you have to accept that.
Hyde: Well, now I don't. She's back with him.
Donna: No, she's thinking about it.
Hyde: Same thing. We all know how this goes. They've survived stupidity, whores.. and Kelso. I was the guy to tide her over.
Donna: Is this about her, or you?
Hyde: What do you mean?
Donna: She loves you.
Hyde: Yeah.
(pause.. Donna embraces Hyde in a hug, throwing one arm over his shoulder. He sighs. Jackie enters the basement.)
Jackie: (quietly, and lightly, without anger): Get off my boyfriend.
They look up. Donna, gets up.
Donna: Few too many people in this room. Hey whadday know.. it's me.(she exits)
Hyde: So. Hey.
Jackie: Hi.
She sits.
Hyde: So, those words sound familiar.
Jackie: Yeah. Better this time.
Hyde: Right.
Jackie: Look Steven, I'm angry with you.
Hyde: I know.
Jackie: You betrayed me. You did what I said I'd never put up with again. You broke my heart.
Hyde: And there's nothing I can say Jackie, I'm sorry. And I can't make it better. I can't fix it. I can't throw anything at the problem. And I can't do it again differently. It happened. I'm no better than Kelso, and you shouldn't take me back.
Jackie: I want to know why. Why did you do this to me?
Hyde: I don't know. I saw you with him. I just went crazy. And I tried to forget about it. And not let it bug me. But it did. It kept at me. And then this nurse-
Jackie: I don't want to hear about her.
Hyde: Right.
Jackie: Do you want me back?
Hyde: It doesn't matter what I want here. I'm the one who screwed up.
Jackie: It does matter Steven. What do you want? If you could have it your way.
A Long pause.
Hyde: I'd want to spend every day trying to make it up to you. Every damn day. Even if we had to start all over again. From square one.
Jackie: Ok. What else? (tearing up)
Hyde: You wouldn't have to touch me, or let me touch you. Because it wouldn't be fair. I shouldn't be allowed to do that anymore. You should be allowed to dress hot and drive me crazy out of my mind until I feel like I want to shoot someone without me being able to damn thing about it. (his voice is hoarse)
Jackie: Ok. Anything else? (sniffling)
Hyde: And you wouldn't have to listen to anything I say. I'd let you tell me what to do. I'd be as whipped as Foreman. You can have all my pride.
Jackie: Ok. Are you finished?
Long pause.
Hyde: And you wouldn't have to love me back.
Jackie pauses thoughfully She reaches out and touches his hand. Hyde hangs his head, ashamed.
Jackie: I don't want you to do that.
Hyde: (Drops her hand and stands up slowly) Ok, so we're done here.
Jackie: No. (she stands) I don't want you to do what I say. I want you to argue with me. I want you to tell me when you think I'm being crazy and selfish. I want you to tell me when I am making you angry Steven. I want you to tell me when you feel something. And I want you to touch me. And I want to touch you. And I'm going to love you back.
Hyde: Why are you doing all this? Are you crazy? What about Kelso?
Jackie: I went to dinner with Michael, or rather.. wine with Michael. He started saying all the reasons I should go back to him. And how I need him. And Michael's my friend. I don't want to be with him. I want to be with you. Because it's my decision. And because you never tried to push me to take you back. Because you feel so upset about it, you don't even want to be touched. (she touches his face, he flinches a bit)
Hyde: (a man tortured) I'm sorry. I'm so.. so..
Jackie pulls him to her and they hug. They sink down onto the couch.
Jackie: It'll take a little time Steven, and we're going to have to start over. You'll have to trust me. I want to be the soft place for you to land.
Hyde: I'm sorry.
Jackie: That's the last I'm sorry. From now on, we start over.
Jackie leans over and kisses him. He holds onto her tightly. They curl up on the couch and just hold one another.
Donna and Eric sit on the roof of the Vista Cruiser. It is night.
Donna: So again, balance has returned to the galaxy.
Eric: Well, if you call anything Jackie does 'balanced' than yeah.
Donna: I'm glad.
Eric: So, if I ever cheated on you, would you take me back?
Donna: Who would you cheat with? (smiles)
Eric: Oh, we're so not playing this game.
Donna: C'mon cheater. Who? Who?
Eric: Playboy playmate June 1977
Donna: (sarcastic) Oh that's happening.
Eric: Hey my hypothetical!
Donna: OK, than in my hypothetical I'm married to Burt Reynolds.
Eric: How is that even part of.
Donna: (grumpily) So go off with your slut, cheater!
Eric: Oh.. well that's just great.
THE END