It began when Lance woke up with a cold sweat running down his back and choking back a sob. The haze of sleep took a moment to leave him. And then he was scrambling out of the bed, feet slipping across the freezing metal floor. He rummaged through the desk until he came out with a blank sheet of paper. Alteans had digitized everything, but a few of the alien civilizations they had come across were still in the habit of keeping handwritten records. He pulled a ballpoint pen from his jacket pocket, then tugged the jacket itself on, realizing how cold it was. And then he started to write. Names. Birthdays. Their quirks and habits, their hobbies and personalities. He wrote down everything he could remember, trembling and frenzied. He wrote until he ran out of room on the neat lines, and then he started in the margins. He wrote until there was nothing else he could remember and the paper was a mess of ink. The room was dark, and silent, aside from the far off hum of engines. He sat back, still holding the pen. The cap had been chewed to pieces. And then, after he read over everything so many times he could almost recite it, he let himself collapse. He caved in on himself, like a dying star. Hunched over, hugging himself and sobbing.
His alarm was 30 minutes from going off when he finally pulled himself back together. The piece of paper was folded, then folded again, and then put in his pocket.
The paper would be unfolded and folded again a lot from there. Always in private. When he was on the verge of breaking and needed something to keep holding onto. The sheet became soft from use, and he had to be careful not to tear it. In a way it became more valuable than life. He tucked it beneath his armor on missions, over his heart, like it would keep him alive. He kept acting normal.
It happened when Lance hopped over the back of the couch in an attempt to catch Pidge. She had stolen his controller and stuck out her tongue, when he accused her of cheating. He snatched the controller back and settled onto the couch, but she circled around.
"You drop this?" she said. His heart skipped a beat, knowing what it was even before she picked it up. He's trying to think of something to say, a way to play it off, but Pidge has already unfolded it and started reading. So, he just tells her. He's trying to sound casual, trying to get her to just give it back and let it go.
"That's my family…" He trails off, and then in a smaller voice, not knowing why he says it, "I didn't want to forget."
She doesn't look up, just keeps reading. Squinting and turning the paper, brows furrowed in thought. Lance's mouth is dry.
"Hey, Mari is only a couple years younger than me, huh?" she asks, not looking for an answer. And Lance can only laugh a little because he's realized the same thing so many times before. Pidge has slowly made her way around and sat down on the couch as she read. And then she's setting the paper down on the table, and Lance has to resist the urge to snatch it up. Instead, he watches as she pulls out her picture of Matt. Everyone's seen it, but she doesn't bring it out often. One corner has been bent, and the crease has been smoothed back. They sit in silence for a moment, looking at the little photo.
"Do you have any pictures of them?" She asks, finally looking up at him, and he looks down.
"On my phone, but… that died a while ago." A while. It died the first night they had arrived at the castle, a loss that didn't fully hit him until days later. He had held the power button and cried over it, desperately praying that it would turn back on again. A while ago.
Pidge jumps up suddenly, startling him. "Why didn't you say so, dude? I could have hooked you up!" He's shocked.
"It… It didn't seem important," He admits, sheepishly.
"Family is the most important." She pauses and then, "It's why I'm out here in the first place." She sounds serious, but her face is lit up with the biggest shit-eating grin and Lance can't help but smile.
He digs around in the desk again, before pulling out the phone and rushing to give it to Pidge. The sheet of paper is tucked safely back into his pocket.
She finds him one morning after breakfast a few days later, hands hidden behind her back.
"I've got a present for you." Pidge is almost vibrating with excitement.
His face lights up. "You did it? For real?" She scoffs.
"Like it was hard?" She produces the phone in one hand, and in the other she holds a few different things. "Just took me a while to find the right parts." She's wired up a charging cord with a plug that fits the Altean outlets, and a portable charger, "for missions and stuff". With shaking hands he takes the phone and presses the power button.
And the screen lights up. A picture of him and Hunk stares back. They're in their orange garrison uniforms, in the cafeteria. Pidge cranes her neck to see the screen too. He types in his password without having to think about it and opens his camera gallery.
And they're all there. He stares for a second, knees weak. He doesn't realize he's crying but Pidge has put a hand on his arm. And they stand like that, tears rolling down his face, and a lump in her throat because she knows how he feels but she didn't realize he needed this so much. What else is he hiding? What else is tearing him up inside? And then he wipes his face and laughs. He scrolls through the gallery before stopping on a picture of a girl with long brown hair in a yellow sundress with one of Lance's arms around her shoulders as they both smile up at the camera, making goofy expressions.
"That's Mari." And she does look only a few years younger than Pidge. "Okay, wait, we gotta go get Hunk." Pidge nods.
They're running down the hallway when Shiro ducks his head out of a doorway and asks where the fire is.
"We're trying to find Hunk, he's gotta see this!" Lance waves his phone around, barely stopping.
"I think he's in common room", Shiro offers.
"Come on!" is all Pidge says before they're both running down the hall again. Shiro can only smile and follow after.
By the time they find Hunk, they've found everyone else as well. Hunk looks up with a start when the group bursts in the room.
"Buddy, look, Pidge fixed my phone!" Lance hops onto the couch next to him.
"It was broken? Wait, you had your phone this whole time?" He asks, looking down at the device.
"We were gonna go sneak out, spend a night on the town remember? Of course I had my phone. And it was dead, not broken. But, look, now it's fixed!" Lance turns the phone on and shows Hunk their selfie. The rest of the group crowds around, as Lance navigates to his gallery. As each picture pops up, he tells them who it is. Pidge recognizes most of them from the paper. Lance has a lot of pictures of him and Hunk, a few candids of Pidge she vaguely remembers him taking during lessons at the garrison. Soon enough they're all reminiscing and swapping stories about instructors. Shiro's eyes light up in recognition at Iverson's name and he laughs harder than all of them when Hunk recalls Mr Harris wiping out Professor Montgomery the night Shiro crash-landed back on Earth. And then he talks about what he remembers from being an instructor, what he remembers about Matt. Pidge goes quiet here, a small bittersweet smile on her face. Throughout all of it though, Keith is the most quiet. He laughs along when he should but none of these memories are his. He never got to know any of them back then and suddenly he's sitting here with them, like they're family. It's hitting him like a brick.
"Wait, wait, there's Keith!" Lance exclaims. Keith's head snaps up.
"You took pictures of me?"
"Correction: one picture. And it's not of you, you just happen to be in it. See?" He turns the screen in Keith's direction and sure enough it's him. He's blurry and in the background but it's Keith. The foreground of the picture is taken up by Lance taking a cheesy selfie with Hunk and some other students. Keith smiles wryly.
"Mmm, no, I think this was on purpose."
"What?" Lance snatches the phone away and Keith leans back.
"You took a picture of me Lance, just admit it. It's obvious. We were rivals, weren't we? It's totally understandable that you were jealous."
"Jealous? Of that mullet? In your dreams!"
And then Keith doesn't feel so bad, because no matter what, they're all here now.
And then comes explaining all this Earth stuff to Coran and Allura. Every picture brings something new for them to point out. Every picture brings a new realization about how much their human paladins have had to adjust. The realization that they aren't the only ones missing home. Everyone is sprawled around on the couches or floor, laughing and talking. It's the most relaxed they've all been in a while. Nobody remembers who took the first picture but everyone ends up taking a few, a mix of selfies or pictures of each other. Lance has them all standing together so he can take a group picture, but Pidge speaks up, "Wait, Lance, you've got to be in the picture too!" Shiro and Hunk immediately echo her until everyone is gesturing for him to join the group. He stretches his arm as far as he can, and everyone squishes as close as they can. The smiles are genuine.
Allura let's them out of training for the day and around lunchtime everyone eventually goes their separate ways. Before Pidge can leave, Lance grabs her sleeve. They're the last one's in the room.
"Thanks, again. For helping."
She smiles up at him. "It's no problem. I told you, Lance. Family is the most important. And you're family now too." She slips out of the room. And Lance's heart squeezes in his chest. Because he's been hiding more than just a dead phone. He's been hiding being the seventh wheel. And this has made it easier. He's family, not dead weight.
Lance adds a second sheet of paper to his pocket. This one he takes his time on. Six names. He doesn't know some of their birthdays yet, but he vows to find out. He writes down their habits and quirks. The way they act in battle and the way they act after. He writes down as much as he can, and leaves room for more. Two sheets of paper, tucked under his armor, over his heart, keeping him alive. He wants Pidge to meet Mari one day.