Moments of Clarity 1/?
She'd had a couple of similar moments before of course, Callie Torres mused, as she sat on the couch,in the basement of SGMW hospital, pondering the events of the last 2 hours, the last 2 months, indeed nearly the last 2 years.
Indeed one of, if not the most significant decisions of her life to date had been made in the bright blaze of one such moment. Yeah, moments when suddenly the clouds of confusion, ignorance, uncertainty and even emotion parted to reveal a bright blue sky of clarity shining through.
She smiled as she remembered that first moment,that evening so long ago now. It was twilight, not just in Botswana but on her time in the Peace Corp. Sure she had signed up for a two year stint to help people less fortunate than herself but there had been a large element of avoidance too -avoiding the day of judgement when she would have to make a decision as to what to do with the rest of her life.
Her parents had reluctantly supported her decision. They were both of a generation of conservative Catholic latinos who believed in family,in God, in hard work. School, College, Work, work to succeed in life. The concept of "taking time out" to "find oneself" was as alien to them then as Callies same sex relationship with Arizona Robbins was years later. But, they had let her go, and she remembered that evening as if it were yesterday – working alongside the sexy Dr. Roberto, the hot, hot Italian medic from Medicin sans Frontieres. He had become her best friend (sadly without benefits despite her efforts)and she his wingman as he chatted up (and usually conquered) the seemingly endless supply of cool, blonde northern European types working with the various NGOs in the charity community in Botswana.
That evening he was tending to a wizened old woman(in reality she was little more than 50) and her grandchild in the clinic. The intervening generation had been all but wiped out by AIDS. As she watched him work she was hit by the sudden blinding realisation that this is what she wanted to be, no not wanted, needed, had to be- yes Callie Torres knew then that she would be a Doctor. And that decision made that evening was not one she had ever second guessed, not through the grinding slogs of medical school, of her internship, her residency or ever since.
Later major life decisions were more of a gradual nature, like the decision to specialise in Ortho or the decision(if it was a decision) to yield to her new and confusing desire for her then best friend Erica Hahn. No, there had been no one Moment of Clarity then propelling her to make those decisions nor were there any such moments later before, during or after the debacle that was her ill-fated marriage to George O'Malley. No - had there been such a moment then maybe she could have spared them both so much pain and regret.
No, until tonight , the only other comparable moment she experienced was in the ambulance bay on THAT day. As she stood side by side Arizona as they watched Rubys ambulance pull out and saw, Arizona glance at her once and then turn to walk away the clouds parted once again. And in that moment Callie Torres realised that she did not want to live without the beautiful yet complex blonde package that was Arizona Robbins. It was then she made her vow not to need or want children provided she could have Arizona. And she meant it, hell she had never stopped meaning it, not when Arizona promised her 10 kids, not when they lived in their almost unimaginably beautiful bubble of happiness in the weeks after the shooting, not even after they formally moved in together when Arizonas almost obsessive need for tidiness and order made Callie want to bury her under her own famed pile of bricks. No, whether she would have to make that sacrifice or not, it would be one worth making if she had Arizona in her life, wanting her and needing her as much as she wanted and needed the blonde.
But even those twin moments were nothing like what Callie Torres experienced 2 hours ago in that elevator. She had been hit by a Tsunami of Clarity in that grubby elevator and to mix natural disaster metaphors she was still feeling the after shocks hours later. Just as natural disasters are never expected Callie Torres was not expecting this either. No - as she stood in the elevator and watched as the one she had once thought of as THE ONE sprint towards it she pretended not to notice. She prayed ( to the God who had seemingly abandoned her 2 months earlier) that Robbins would not make it as she willed the doors to close. She was at breaking point and if she had to spend 5 minutes trapped in the slowest elevator in North America with Robbins- well she really wasn't certain that she would not end up wringing the blondes beautiful neck. All Callie wanted to do was to go home(well to Marks),hoping he would be out, and curl up on her makeshift bed with a bottle of Tequila and aww crap,crap now even that pleasure was beyond her. Why? Why her? Why do bad things bad people happen to her,why did she always end up alone, why?
Of course Robbins did make it barely squeezing in with seconds to spare and it was then it began. As Arizona Robbins launched in to yet another impassioned declaration of love and apology it happened. Not so much a moment of clarity as a whole lifetimes worth, it was like a near death experience. It was as if every synapse in her brain ignited at once and every clear thought just simultaneously burst forth. In real time this took only as long as it took for Arizona to finish and beg for one more chance but if all those thoughts and certainties and knowledge that flooded through Callies consciousness in those few moments had to be spoken aloud maybe hours would have to pass.
That morning as the stick in her hand turned pink Callie knew or maybe just remembered that she still loved Arizona, had never stopped loving her but she also knew that it was too late now that it no longer mattered a damn. So she did what she had to do to just survive- just like Babygate- she lashed out and turned her love to hate. When she saw that perky smile and that perfect sexy body moving in to HER apartment she could have, have...never had she wanted so badly to hurt someone..if Mark hadn't been there..she may even have struck her. Instead of her hand though she used her tongue. She wanted to lacerate Arizonas heart. Why should her smile, her heart be intact when Callies were in shreds? Why should Callies heart be the only one to bleed when Arizona was the one who walked away without cause, when Arizona was the one whose vows to have children would never now have to be tested?
So when Arizona began speaking in that elevator Callie Torres was expecting clarity but when the flood began it began in earnest. As she heard the words forgiveness fall from those lips she realised that she had already forgiven her..whoa..when did that happen..was it sudden, gradual, was it as she sat listening to her patients husband Kyle earlier? It didn't matter..all that mattered was that it was true. But more than that was the sudden realisation that the breakup wasn't all down to Arizona..that she Callie had played her part too and at times with gusto. The manner of the breakup,in the middle of Sea-Tac,as Arizona walked,almost ran away from THEM, well she would leave that still at Arizona. But the cause of the breakup, she could no longer place that 100% at Arizonas feet, no the cause suddenly seemed much closer to fifty fifty.
Callie could see now her role in this mess- she cringed as she remembered her passive aggressiveness almost from the very start. When Arizona bounded up to her in Ortho and dragged her off to a supply closet and squealed "I won, I won, me, the Carter Madison Grant" she realised now that she had never seen her lover so excited(outside of the bedroom anyway) or so happy. And as Arizona was the perkiest happiest person of her acquaintance that was saying something.
And for the first time Callie realised, what should have been blindingly obvious to her then, that most of this happiness was not about the winning but what the winning would achieve. Arizona had animatedly described in some detail what she had included in the submission and what it might mean for the children of Malawi and maybe even further afield in Africa. And Oh my God how could she have forgotten this detail? As Arizona had continued talking(and bouncing) suddenly her face had fallen..in her excitement and rush to get to Callie to tell her the news..she had forgotten the other consequence of her win. Callie had completely blocked out the memory of Arizona suddenly appearing shocked,in pain almost as she blurted out the words "And, and, and...now I have to go and live in Malawi". The way Callie had chosen to remember this Arizona chose to go without as much as a second thought or care for Callie but now she realised that though the decision was made quickly maybe instantaneously even it was not without pain it was not carefree.
Every snarky word, every mean spirited glance she gave Arizona in the weeks following came flooding back to her..but what she could not remember was ever uttering a single word of congratulations to the so called love of her life. Oh God, now she remembered her very first words to Arizona- not "well done baby, Im so proud" but "You are going to Africa? You are leaving me? Just because the great Dr. Robbins wins some award I get left again?" Sure she said sorry and they had mindblowing make up sex that night but now she couldn't get the look of hurt on Arizonas face out of her mind..Oh god Callie had ruined her initial moment of glory.
And another realisation hit..she was the one who decided ,nay, insisted on going to Malawi. They hadn't even discussed other options..sure it was patently obvious Arizona was going( even now Callie could not understand how Arizona could decide so fast) but she was so afraid of losing her for good that everytime Arizona broached the topic of Callies career or the difficulties they would face as a gay couple in Malawi Callie stopped her. She was going and she steamrolled ahead.
Sure she did not deserve what happened in the airport or the accusation that she was "ruining Africa" for her, it wasn't true then but in the end it turned out to be. She had (in part) ruined Arizonas time there and in the end Arizona had given it up for her-she had given up her dream-not just a vow to do so. And what had Arizona got in return? OK she hadn't merited instant forgiveness but turning up jet-lagged and hoarse on Marks doorstep- did she deserve silence and a slammed door? Did she deserve to have Callie walk away from her time and time again as she apologised and begged and declared her love? Did she deserve to have abuse screamed at her only this morning?
Yes Callie realised all of this in those few moments and she knew, with as much certainty and clarity as she had ever possessed that she wanted nothing more than to give Arizona another chance, to give them another chance, a chance to finally be honest and open with each other, to cast aside their fears, to talk, to work it out. And she knew too in that moment that no-one would ever own her heart like Arizona, that Arizona loved her, that Arizona wanted and needed her, had sacrificed for her and that in coming back to her Arizona was unique.
She knew too that Arizona would never stop loving her but she realised too, saw for the first time, notwithstanding the many hints and outright statements she had been given before, the extent and the depth of Arizonas insecurity and jealousy of Mark Sloan. So what had Callie done? Yes, she had gone and proven her right. Maybe, just maybe(but probably not) Arizona could get over,in time, the fact, that within weeks of them breaking up Callie had gone back to men, to Mark but that didn't matter now. It didn't matter because no matter how much she loved not even Arizonas heart was big enough to forgive the ultimate betrayal that was this pregnancy.
The irony was not lost on her- their first break up was caused by hypothetical babies but it would be a real baby that would prevent her from ever having Arizona in her arms again.
So as she heard the words "because I am in love with you Calliope and you are in love with me too" fall from Arizonas mouth Callie Torres recognised the absolute truth of that sentence just as she realised that Arizona deserved to hear that other truth now. Deserved to hear it now so that she could move on with her life,maybe even retrieve her dream in Malawi. The possibility that Arizona would even forgive her enough to keep her on her Christmas card list was remote and Callies heart ached as she realised that the revenge she thought she had wanted was now at hand –that she would be the one to break Arizona- and at that moment Callie was filled with self-loathing and disgust.
As she uttered the words "Today I found out that Im pregnant with Marks baby- How About now" she barely recognised her own voice so devoid of emotion and hope it was. She imagined as she spoke how Arizona would respond. Stoically, her military upbringing would ensure that, the shutters would come down once again on that beautiful face that had been so uncharacteristically open and emotional since her return. She would probably purse her lips and give a couple of tiny nods as she digested the news. She might even manage to mutter a muted congratulations before walking out of the elevator, calmly, purposefully, head held high. There would be no emotional breakdown, not in public, not from Col. Daniel Robbins daughter. Callie knew this, had experienced this with Babygate but she knew too that in private and alone her Arizona would be shattered.
Callie knew all of this, but she was wrong...
To be continued...