Title: Dead Inside
Author: RoweenaC
Genre: Angst
Rating: T
Character(s): Dean
Warnings: Spoilers up to 5.14
Author's Note: Dark, dark fic. Tissues at the ready. Thanks to graceofgod for the beta! All remaining mistakes are mine alone!
Dead Inside
by RoweenaC
There are times in life when it all comes crashing down on you. Comes coasting at you with the speed and unstoppable momentum of a semi-truck. Its crushing weight pushes you over the edge, wrecks you, leaves nothing behind but the shell of a once strong, smooth hero.
There are times you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's hellfire. When it is so dark you can't even see yourself anymore. Not in the mirror, not in the things you achieve. Endless battles against an obscure destiny erasing everything that's you. An apocalyptic black hole swallowing your universe completely, leaving you to float on the event horizon for all eternity. No prospect of change or promise of movement in any direction. Just seconds drawn into millennia while you're hanging there, motionless. Emotionless. A punching ball for supernatural forces a million times stronger than you would ever be.
There are times you wish you had never been born, so you wouldn't feel the pain of being alive anymore. When you want nothing but eradication, annihilation. The last hope of derailing a terrifying future, a fate that holds nothing but further torment for the sake of a divine plan. Escape the destiny you haven't asked for, undo all that has screwed your life over so bad it hardly seems real anymore. The ultimate do-over.
There are times when even numbness won't be a relief. When whiskey, non-committal sex or punches won't silence the scream that's been building up inside you. Always growing, waxing into the epitome of all the screams you've been holding in for what feels like forever. You choke on it until nothing but a hoarse whisper tumbles from your trembling lips only to be ripped away by an unforgiving breeze never to be heard.
There are times when a hunger for solace, redemption, approval, rest, love and understanding eats you up inside until there is nothing left of you. Nothing but a black, burning bitterness. And it hurts so bad, you can't swallow, breathe or cry anymore. Starvation wraps around your ribcage and squashes your remaining strength, the remnants of personal dreams, the last bits of will to fight out of you. It squeezes until you are dry and barren like the desert with nothing but a hot, merciless wind blowing hollowly across an arid, toxic wasteland. When the absence of life isn't death, it's despair.
There are times when you are helplessly looking on as your inner emptiness claws its way out, gnashing, tearing and ripping at your heart until it's nothing but a crimson mess of lost memories and feelings. When you can't force it back, can't keep it locked away in the darkest, furthest corner of your internal fortress anymore. When you have reached the end of your lies and cover-ups and your bravado leaves a stale aftertaste behind. When solid walls have crumbled into brimstone dust. When defeat wins, inhales your guilt and thrives on it, shaping it into an inescapable hurricane sucking up your world, leaving behind an indifferent and indistinguishable pile of debris.
There are times you just want to lie down and die, surrender. Give in. Stop fighting back. When you look up at the stars twinkling above you with their ancient knowledge and you can hear them laughing coldly at you. Taunting you, dismissing you for the poor excuse of a man you really are. Reducing you to a meaningless pinprick on the wall of God's creation.
Those are the times you resort to faith.
If you can.
End Note: Thanks for reading!