Disclaimer:

I write because I can. I am not benefiting from it in anyway possible. I'm losing money and suffering a little in classes. Just so I can please the masses. …Or piss you off. Whichever category you fall under.

Ay. Allll of you knew it was coming eventually. BEHOLD! Blatant Mary-Sue mockery! Stop writing these, people. Nobody really wants to read them.

--Blatant Mockery--

"Pietro was hanging around the house one day…" A brown haired girl blinked and frowned, trying to decide how to start her latest epic of Goddess. It would be a masterpiece beyond compare! A wonderful girl with a shining personality, beautiful beyond earthly bounds and the power to wipe out the universe! But Goddess would never do that. For she was kind and good, and only wanted piece. So naturally, she would have to join the X-Men. …OR, she would only want to help out those loveable little punks in the Brotherhood. They needed to win and have perfection within their midst. Naturally, Pietro would fall in love with her, losing all appetite for other females. And he would most definitely not like guys, because that's just "wrong". She hadn't decided alliances yet, but she did know that everyone would love her, despite which side she belonged to. Except maybe Jean. She hated Jean, so she'd have to work in a few ways to torture her.

The author herself was the opposite of what Goddess stood for. She didn't have the long, flowing, wavy golden hair, or the dazzling emerald eyes that turned purple when she used her powers. Nor did she possess the tall, shapely figure of Goddess, who's real name was Ikegai Moonstar. No, the author herself was short, kind of pudgy, with thick glasses, and choppy olive brown hair that acted like straw on either side of her face, just barely reaching her chin, which, like most of her face, was encrusted with horrible, incurable acne, as many twelve year olds tend to do. Nor did she own the tremendous athletic/singing/fighting/nobility/kindness/intelligence of Ikegai. In fact, she wasn't even that gifted of an author. Certainly she must be though, for allll of her peers spoke so well of her fine essays. She got A's in English, which, quite frankly, was all the proof she needed.

…No. Goddess must have a reason for people to flock to her and write fanfiction of their very own about her. Besides the fact she's so likeable and pretty. …Hmm. OOH! She knew immediately that Ikegai must have a highly traumatic past. It would make her even more amazing! Liberated from a mutant lab that ceaselessly tortured her… Forced to sell herself on the streets as means of survival! YES! Everyone would love her now, entranced by her incredible inner strength as well as outer. …But how to make her somewhat familiar to the fandom?

She would need ties to an existing character. …Logan's daughter! Of course! No one had any proof that he never did have a child, so nobody could prove her wrong! Full of enthusiasm, she began to write, chicken-pecking the keyboard with unsure fingers, bright pink nail polish chipping from the index finger as she jabbed the key she'd found after three minutes of searching.

"Hi! I am Ikegai Moonstar!" The blond mutant smiled, green eyes casting a spell on those in her sight.

"Hello Ikegai! I am Logan! You smell like I am related to you!" Logan grinned, grabbing the taller girl in a bone-crushing hug. She laughed airily, white dots of light emerging from her tattered clothing as she did so, causing birds to emerge and sing happily. "You must be my daughter!"

"Daddy!" She squealed.

"Come! We must go back to the X-Mansion and I will introduce you to my friends!" Logan laughed, leading her gently back to his motorcycle. He took off with his beautiful daughter clinging lightly to his chest, long golden hair flapping in the wind. She needed no helmet. Her powers would take care of that. But she couldn't help but wonder.

I wonder of the X-Men will accept me once they learn my terrible secret? She thought internally, stepping off the bike, all of her person still in pristine condition. Her powers were wonderful.

"…Not Bad!" The author smiled to herself, fingers and eyes sore from her three hours of typing. Hurrying to Fanfiction.Net, she quickly loaded it after a sweep with her eyes to make sure it had correct spelling. Once they read this though, there would be no need to spell check.

In beknowst to her, in the real world, people were scrolling down the page, eyes passing over her story with ranges from mild disinterest to disgust. It read as follows:

Goddess of the Light:
Not your typical OC! A new mutant comes to the X-Mansion to seek shelter from her terrible secret. But what is it? And what connection does she have with Logan?

Some click on it to see if she's telling the truth, others out of boredom, and others still because they too write Mary Sues and offer their fellow fiendish kindred support. …But they decide not to, deciding it's too Mary Sueish, not at all like their wonderful character, whom everybody loves to bits, according to the nice warm fuzzy they get every other chapter. Eventually, someone feels sorry for them and gives them a bone. …Errr, review, which the Author takes to heart.

"WOW! I got a review!" She squeals, reading it over and over until it's memorized.

"OMG!!! KEWLIES! WIRET MORE! I MUST REED MORE!"

Her eye's water with unbidden tears. She has a fan! Feeling inspired beyond reason, she begins to write a second chapter. But HARK! She has activated the "Review alert" option of FF.Net's free features. The AOL guy informs her in robotic tone she has mail! Checking it with eager anticipation, her chest throbs with pain as she reads this persons review. She obviously hates her, she concludes, after reading the hurtful words, neatly printed on the glowing screen in front of her.

Well, I can't say very much for neither content nor quality of this fic. Perhaps if you worked a little more on keeping Logan in character, or developing Ikegai's more, it might be better. And what exactly ARE her powers? It's not very clear and difficult to read. Seems to be satire, buuuut I can't say I'm sure. Maybe if you had a beta reader?

Smashing into her parents desk with an open pal, the Author angrily spends two hours writing up a searing, intelligent response to her troll.

"OMG! YOU TOTALLY SUCK AND EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN DOES! YOU SHOULD DIEEEEE!!! MY CHARACTER IS FINETHE WAY SHE IS AND LOGAN TOTALLY ACTS LIKE THAT!!!! OMG WTF?!?!

…There. That takes care of that pest. She'll be crushed and scarred, hopefully never criticizing her immense brilliance again. With a self assured nod, she continues to write well into the night.

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Soooo, all you poor, disillusioned Mary Sue'ers out there, this is what people reallllly think of your writing. While, granted, OC's are on occasion made tolerable, and ever rarer, likeable, many of the crap that sprouts up in this fandom is not. No one wants to read your imaginary tale of heart wrenching, frequently cliché angst, nor wants to hear of your incredibly perfect character we will all grow to know and loathe. And for those of who don't write them, please don't imply ignore them. If they suck, they deserved to be told so before they spawn and make more. Thank you.