50 Things A Good Gakuen Alice Student Should Not Do
Written by Ruka Pyon Puts Me In A Spin and xMugiChanx
First things first, Ryuuji is our OC so we don't expect people to say things like "Ryuuji isn't a real character" or "You stole him from someone else" because we DIDN'T. His friends are also our OC's, but you can keep them. They are unloved. And we don't own Gakuen Alice either, so stop asking. Sheesh.
WARNING!!!
Contains crack pairings, outrageous OOCness and pointless plotholes. Also includes Narumi wearing a dress and a crazy lady with a chalkboard. You have been warned.
1. Entering Alice Academy for a prank isn't funny in any way.
Ryuuji and his friends stood outside Gakuen Alice, staring up at the solid gold gates.
"You know what would be funny?" chortled Friend Number 1. "If you entered Alice Academy for a prank."
"Yeah, that would be funny Ryuuji!" laughed Friend Number 2.
"Yeah!" agreed Friend Number Three, desperate for at least one line.
"OK," said Ryuuji, succumbing to peer pressure.
He slipped through a large gap in the bars. Immediately, three burly men charged at the gate-crasher holding knobbly sticks. Seven rattlesnakes appeared out of nowhere and tickled Ryuuji into insanity while being chased by a pack of vicious dogs and a crazy cat lady scratching her nails on a chalkboard.
Once Ryuuji had been submitted to this mind scarring torture, two figures slid out from behind a random shed placed there merely to hide themselves.
"Who do we have here?" A rather feminine voice giggled.
"There's no way he could've gotten through that gate unless he has a gate-crashing alice," a more gruff voice replied.
"Serina, don't use your man voice!" shrieked the other voice, sounding slightly panicked.
"Who are you people?!" screamed Ruuji, wrestling rattle-snakes.
"We are two teachers from this school you are trespassing. We did originally come over here to kick you out, but now we're here to inform you that you have a rather valuable alice that we may need in the near future."
"C-Come again?" choked Ryuuji, throwing a dog from his neck.
"Indeed, your alice is relatively dangerous so you most likely will be put into the Dangerous Ability Class, but at the same time we could do all sorts of things with such a rare, wonderful and cunning alice like yours."
"And what is my Alice?" He asked with gritted teeth, body-slamming the elderly lady.
"The Gate-Crashing Alice," the woman with the mole by her eye said with a glittery smile.
"OK, you're coming with us now," Serina said gruffly, yanking him away. His friends were laughing heartily at him as he was pulled away by his legs, clawing at the ground.
"H-HELP ME!!!" Ryuuji screeched. "THE HOMOS ARE KIDNAPPING ME!!"
"That's quite offensive, given we were kind enough to accept you into our academy," Serina said sternly.
"I'm being forced to come so I don't see why you aren't calling this kidnapping!!"
"Oh, Serina darling, how ever do you get your hair so lush?" the other woman gushed.
"Who are you people anyway?" He asked.
"I'm Serina, and I am a teacher. This is Naru, who is also a teacher."
Naru, thought Ryuuji dreamily, just the right name for such an attractive woman... The way her hair shines just screams the name Naru, and my god her smile is so sweet it fills my life with a new purpose - for her to be my bride.
"Serina, please alert the other teachers about this marvellous new alice we have recently discovered. I will take him to visit the Class Representitives and have them show him around."
"Yes!" whispered Ryuuji to himself. Now he could spend more time with the gorgeous Naru, his future wife.
2. Mocking Narumi's wardrobe is a big no-no, especially if he is your teacher.
"Right then, Ryuuji, shall we get to know eachother?" Naru asked, beaming.
"Of course," gabbled Ryuuji, thinking This is the chance I've been waiting for!
"I am Naru, and I teach for the Elementary Class B. You will be in my class."
"Oh thank goodness!" cried Ryuuji, leaping up.
"Erm... thank you," said Naru carefully. The teacher tactfully avoided eye-contact. "So... do you have a girlfriend?"
"No, I've never had a girlfriend," Ryuuji replied, confused. "Why do you ask that?"
Naru was beginning to feel uncomfortable.
"D-Do you have plenty of friends?" Naru asked worriedly.
"Um, yeah," Ryuuji said, "I have tons of friends. They all think that girls are a waste of time, and that they'd much rather spend time with me."
"S-So... are you... m-most definately homo... I mean... you are... not... hetrosexual?" Naru stuttered.
"Are you implying something, Miss Naru?" asked Ryuuji, blushing.
"M-MISS?!" gasped Naru. "I'm male! A man! Like yourself! I'm most certainly not a woman!!"
"Hah?!" squeaked Ryuuji, "You're saying I've just been drooling over a pretty-boy?!"
"I prefer pretty-man," Narumi huffed.
"But you're wearing the same dress as my mother!"
Narumi's nostrils flared.
"What I wear to work is none of your business, young man!"
"I prefer young boy," replied Ryuuji sarcasticly, mimicking Narumi's womanly voice.
Narumi picked up Ryuuji by his ears and hung him on the wall by the scruff of his neck, Ryuuji kicking and thrashing.
"No talking back," smiled Narumi sweetly, and he left the room.
3. Questioning Yuu's gender is inappropiate and wrong.
There was a knock at the door.
"Finally, someone's here! What took you so long!"
The door opened and two pretty faces popped round the doorframe.
"We would have come sooner, but we had to have lunch, clean the classroom, comfort Narumi, smuggle monkeys into Jinno's room without Serina catching us and throwing her crystal ball at our heads, have another jumbo sandwich because we got hungry again and burn off all the calories it contained by running around the perimeter of the school twice and making our way over here," the first girl monologued, never pausing for breath.
"And I had to stop at the restroom on the way," the bespecticaled girl admitted.
"Whatever, just get me down from here!"
Three minutes later, Ryuuji was rubbing his extremely sore earlobes and grumbling under his breath.
"You must be the mysterious transfer student that everybody has been talking about with the amazingly wonderfully stupendious alice!"
"You consider gate-crashing an Alice?" Ryuuji wondered out loud, scratching his head to show the two girls that he was, in fact, confused.
"It is a highly valued one at that," the bespecticaled girl answered, "You're like the Chosen One!"
The Black Haired Beauty rolled her eyes.
"Don't get all mushy now Inchou, we have a purpose here and I really want to get back to my lab, Mikan's hatching a plan to get in there and the outcome may not be pretty."
"Who are you people anyway?" Ryuuji asked, bandaging his big toe.
"My name is Hotaru Imai and I'm the biggest genius around here. People give me money all the time for simply being in my presence. I'll let you off this time as you have no money, but be prepared to be very broke if I happen to see you again. That is all you need to know."
"Imai, stop joking!" the blondie replied, "I'll be happy to show you around and help you out."
Ryuuji smiled. Sure this girl was a little geeky but he could tell she had a big heart. Maybe this school wasn't going to be so bad.
Ding!
"Inchou, your time is up!"
Sighing, the class representitive handed over a shiny golden coin to the raven haired rep.
"Good doing buisness with you."
With that, the emotionless golddigger walked from the scene without so much as a backwards glance at the two figures she left behind.
The geeky girl giggled shyly and bekoned Ryuuji to follow her.
"So," Ryuuji smiled, following the highly intellectual homosapien, "that Narumi fellow is pretty weird isn't he? Does he perv on all you ladies?"
"Huh? But I'm not-"
Ryuuji plastered on his charismatic grin that simply made him look like a paedophile and said in a low, seductive voice, "a beauty like you must have all the men round her. Don't you worry, I'll take care of you."
"Excuse me! I'm a boy! A man! A male! Like yourself!"
Ryuuji cringed to himself. Here we go again...
"Why do all the dudes look like chicks here?" Ryuuji wondered aloud, taking blow after blow from Inchou, although it couldn't really be considered a slap or a thump or a punch... more like a well deserved pat on the back.
4. Perving on Mikan is a bad life choice.
Finally, the class rep reluctantly ceased patting him and opened the door to a room. Ryuuji entered and was stunned.
People flying, people singing,people dancing and mixing concoctions and drawing and fighting and running and shouting, girls gossiping about hair and puppies, boys chatting about girls and food, genderless animal people with heads of pigs and cats and rabbits, squauking/ growling/ croaking in their own language, and above all...
"MEN!" Ryuuji squealed, hurtling at full speed toward a gang of guys at the back of the room.
He was suddenly stopped in his tracks, inches from crashing into a ruby-eyed man. He couldn't move a muscle.
"Good timing, Mochu!" a guy with no eyes grinned.
The earring clad guy in front of him glared.
"Who is this?"
"I can't believe there are actually men here," a person with a weird expression on his face monotoned, "I thought I would be the only one. The gay teacher and the girly class rep- oh my god, that guy is reading my mind. How is he doing that? What is going on? Why can't I move-"
"Enough."
The guy facing him, who was obviously their leader, silenced the straw-haired boy. He stood up and faced Ryuuji, man to man, one on one.
"Leave. Never talk to us again. Go play with Yuu or something."
No! This guy, my role model, this perfect figure of-
"-manliness, he can't abandon me now- damn, stop thinking, stop thinking about how much you wish you could be like him and how you wish you were hot like him-"
The firey leader grabbed his arm and he felt his fingers become hot on his skin.
"Uh-oh," the flying guy laughed, "he just called Natsume-san 'hot', that's got to have earned him at least a first degree burn."
"DON'T YOU DARE!"
Ryuuji couldn't move his head to see who had come to his rescue but he could tell, from the voice, that it was a girl. He could also see a brown lock of hair in the corner of his eye.
"Don't you dare hurt him! Just because he's the new kid, that's sick! How could you be so cruel! I was the new kid once, you know! Natsume, just stop!"
The guy, Natsume, let go of Ryuuji's arm and turned to face this identitiless female.
"Shut up Polka-dots, nobody asked your opinion," he growled, sitting down. He looked over at the practically bald guy.
"Release him."
Baldie did as he said and sat down next to a curly haired girl.
Ryuuji, desperate for a seat, sat next in the only available seat - next to a blond guy, sitting next to Natsume. Slightly scared for his reputation, he sat down.
"Hey," he said nervously to the golden haired guy, "my name's Ryuuji Nakmuura. Nice to meet you."
The boy turned his sapphire eyes toward Ryuuji, looking slightly shocked.
"My name's Luca Nogi. That's Natsume, Natsume Hyuuga."
Ryuuji smiled.
"So, any hot girls around here? You guys are pretty popular round here, right? Who's your girl?"
Luca blushed and looked away swiftly.
"Nobody!"
Ryuuji gazed around the room. The black haired beauty - she was obviously off limits. The class rep- wait no! He's a guy! Stop thinking that! Two sweet girls in the corner, mixing potions. Pink hair? That's a no. Witch potions? Not a chance.
His gaze then fell on a girl with toffee pigtails and a smile that could make rock melt (which was supposed to sound romantic but it sounded better in his head).
"Hey," he grinned, pointing at The Angel of Happiness two rows in front, "that girl seems pretty cute. I call dibs on her!"
As soon as those offending words fell out of his mouth, the desk burst into flames. Luca screamed and fell backwards off his chair while the guy with no eyes flew over, laughed and dropped a load of textbooks into the rippling flames. The Godess of Everything That Is Wonderful In This World stood up from her chair and sighed.
"Natsume, you idiot!"
The flames stopped at one glare from her chocolatey eyes. Ryuuji had to admit, she was even beautiful-
"-when she is angry, where has this angel been all my life-"
The blind guy grabbed the phsycic and dragged him away before he could do any more damage.
Luca picked himself off the floor and looked at Ryuuji.
"I think you'd better go sit over there."
Ryuuji spent the rest of homeroom being patted by the class representitive of all people.
5. Good looks, popularity, etc are NOT alices.
The bell rang to end Ryuuji's torture. Speeding away from the deranged class rep, he turned a corner into a marvellous courtyard and breathed a sigh of relief. He then realised he had no idea where he was going and how the hell he was going to get back to the classroom.
Gazing around the scene, he searched desperatly for a face he regonised, even though everyone he had talked to so far wanted to slice off his head and hang it on the wall.
Finally he found his ray of sunshine through the storm of his heart, The Beautiful Pigtailed Princess. He dashed over to her, hyperventilating.
"H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-" he stuttered.
The Angel looked worried.
"Are you having a seizure? Are you choking? Don't worry, I practised the Hymlic Manouver only yesterday!"
Ryuuji shook his head violently, trying to calm his burning lungs.
"-h-h-h-he-hell-hello."
The girl gave a tinkling laugh that filled his vison with scenes of twinkling stars and fairy dust.
"Hello. My name's Mikan. Mikan Sakura. Who are you?"
"I'm... Ryuuji Nakamuura. I was wondering, if its okay with you, if you could, you know, show me round here?"
"Um, sure I guess. But you know, this really is your partners job."
Ryuuji wasn't listening. He was in his own little world where he lived with Mikan and their eleven children, Kyou, Minako, Makoto, Ai, Rin, Ren, Ran, Mitsu, Miki, Yui and Annalisa-Rosmery-Emma, as he was half European on his mothers side.
"So, what's your alice, Ryuuji?"
Ryuuji snapped out of his fantasy and searched his head for something amazing to say.
You have to say something spectacular, something that will appeal to her but nothing too cheesy... ah!
"My alice? It's the Great Kissing Alice. Want me to demonstrate?"
Ryuuji suddenly felt searing pain in his left cheek and soon after found himself on the ground. Gazing into the puddle he happened to fall into, even though it was the middle of July and there had been no rain for four weeks, he saw a large, hoof-shaped bruise on his cheek.
He glance up and found, to his disgust (however, he found it oddly attractive), that he was sitting in a puddle of The Princess' tears. Next to her, glaring at him as if he were something disgusting she stepped in in open toed sandals, was none other than Hotaru Imai. The Black Haired Beauty. The one and only.
The-
"Are you listening?!"
His idiocy caused him another painful blow to the forehead.
"Arrgggh!"
"You're going to be paying for this for a very long time."
She said it softly, but Ryuuji could hear the danger in her voice.
"Not that it matters. You're going to be paying for a very long time anyway."
Ryuuji glanced up into The Ice Queen's face in confusion.
She gave a sly smile.
"I'm your partner."
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