I am the Girl You Know Can't Look You in the Eye
In the rain your tears are invisible and you think maybe you will just melt away into quiet apathy. It hurts so much it's hard to breathe but it can never be enough. You failed him again. He is dead and gone and you still can't stop letting him down.
Your anger had been the fire that kept you going, the mother fucker would pay but then everything had got twisted and it feels like you have lost it all over again. Without that anger there is nothing stopping the crushing defeat. You failed him and now you can't think his name and stay standing.
You could never explain how sorry you are. Sorry your selfishness led to his death; sorry you never told him how much you loved him. Sorry you spent so long married to his brother and that you were never enough for Paul. Sorry that you turned Tony's love into a desperate obsession because you just couldn't commit to him. Sorry you could never make your mother love you.
So you have nothing and it is almost a relief because you can't seem to stop hurting everyone you love. You are a disease, a black widow's curse and there is barely anyone left to destroy.
You wanted to go to his grave; you wanted to be his avenging angel, on fire and filled with righteous anger. He was better off with you far, far away and you have no words to express your regret. You don't want him to see you after everything you have done. And oh god it hurts so much you think it will kill you but you will not be selfish and give in. You need to repent and try to shoulder your part of the guilt.
In the rain, in the back of a taxi it does not matter, you'll melt because there is no one left.