Chapter 1 – Shit Happens

Whatever nerves were left in the right side of his face sparked as her slender fingers tenderly stroked the scars that ran along his mandible, cutting off his nervous babbling. For weeks he'd been agonizing over the idea of the two of them touching, let alone 'working off stress' together. They were individuals of different rank coming from vastly different backgrounds: hell, the two of them were from two completely different species that had an inborn distaste for one another. But now as she initiated their first physical contact with such confidence and certainty, the anxiety and uncertainty he'd been struggling with moments before dissipated.

He hadn't really understood what was considered beautiful about human women before, but looking into those wide sincere eyes triggered an attraction he couldn't deny. Never had he stood so close to her before, and now he saw the smattering of freckles on her nose, felt the warmth of her body in proximity to his own, smelled the perfume of her skin… They slowly leaned into one another, intimately touching foreheads, gazes locked on one another in anticipation of who'd make the next move. Unable to restrain himself, Garrus reached up with his right hand to grab her shoulder…

"You look like you need another." said a voice from out of nowhere, cutting into Garrus' memory like a sharp piece of glass. Garrus blinked and glanced up from the counter to find the turian bartender looking at him, holding another bottle of liquor at ready. Garrus grunted in response to the turian's statement, exchanging his own empty bottle for the full one. As the bartender wandered off to deal with a couple of bickering customers, Garrus allowed his mind to drift back to the precious memories of those rare moments of happiness and intimacy he'd been able to share with the only woman he'd ever loved: Commander Kassandra Shepard, Council Spectre, Alliance Navy Officer, and the only person in the galaxy who might have been better than him with a sniper rifle. With Shepard he'd experienced the best times of his life and the worst; they were bittersweet and painful but Garrus treasured them above anything else. The end of the Reaper War should've been a time of renewal, of new beginnings; yet Garrus clung to those memories because he couldn't let her go. So here he was, remembering to bring on the pain and drinking to numb it away, knowing full-well she'd have kicked his ass if she'd caught him moping.

He wouldn't have been like this a year ago. Before they'd tried pursuing a relationship with one another, he was a lot more pragmatic about things, a result of being raised Turian. Hell, once he'd told Shepard how he tended to expect the worst so he could be pleasantly surprised when things worked out. She actually laughed at him, a bright, mirthful sound that he found he enjoyed hearing. Thinking about it now, it's likely that was when his feelings for Shepard had truly begun. After hearing that laugh he found himself trying harder and harder to draw it out again, to bring about that small smirk that indicated she'd forgotten her problems for just a moment. With her he'd attempt to be a little more supportive, a little more optimistic… not any less sarcastic, though it seemed she didn't mind that. But then the Reaper War progressed and losses and sacrifices piled up. He ended up watching her become mired with stress and disappointment instead. It practically killed him to see her like that, but there was little he could do. A lot he didn't do…

Garrus fought back the guilt pangs by gulping down his liquor, steeling himself as it burned its way down his throat. Off to his left a couple of female turians eyed him appreciatively, pointing and conferring with one another. He ignored them and tried to focus on the bottle in his hand, the task proving difficult with the buzzing in his head. He had no interest in trying to love again; he doubted he'd even be capable of doing so again. Shepard had this something… nothing real mysterious or alluring, but it drew men to her nonetheless. Kaidan Alenko, Jacob Taylor, even Thane Krios mentioned feeling attracted to her because of that something. Had it been her strength? Her determination perhaps? Or maybe it was her unexpected ability to connect, to empathize but not sympathize? It certainly wasn't her sense of compassion or giving nature. Her own philosophy on life made the old him seem downright optimistic. "Shit happens." she'd say, "All we can really do is make it happen if we're capable, or grin and bear it if we're not. Fate does not pity, so why should I?"

"Shit happens." He muttered to himself, sounding bitter and angry. He threw back another swig of liquor, hoping this one might just make him forget. But of course it didn't, and once again he was thinking about her, mourning her loss.

"Damn, Vakarian!" said a familiar voice as someone pulled out a stool, making Garrus wince in response to the scraping of the chair legs on the floor tiles. A dark haired, dark eyed woman took up perch on the stool, setting her elbows on the counter as she looked him up and down. "You know, you remind of General Oraka, sitting getting all wasted and miserable over a woman. The similarities are kind of funny." Ashley Williams threw a glance toward the bartender, who nodded at her and commenced with pouring her a drink.

"Did you need something, Williams? Or did you just come to patronize me?" Garrus asked, irritated that he wasn't being left to his own devices. "I've had enough prodding and sympathy from Liara and Tali…"

"I came to drink some tequila." Ashley said simply, picking up the shot glass and eyeing the amber liquid within. "Self-destructive behavior is always more fun with friends, is it not?" Garrus just shook his head at her as she raised her glass toward him. "Cheers." She swallowed the shot and let out a hiss. "Whew! This stuff might actually compete with the shit Vega stashes on board the Normandy!"

Garrus said nothing and stared down into his empty bottle. A memory of him and Shepard drinking "the good stuff" came to mind and he held back a chuckle. "Ugh. This stuff's too good! Let's go back to the cheap wine!" she'd said after two glasses. Then she let out that laugh after he'd expressed his disdain…

"For what it's worth, if I could have, I'd have switched places with her." Ashley said quietly, pulling Garrus away from Shepard once more. He watched her nurse the empty shot glass, her wide brown eyes appearing dull and sad in the neon lighting of the bar. "Cerberus didn't know it, but in the end they did save humanity. I mean, if they hadn't brought Shepard back…" Her voice trailed off as the bar tender walked over and refilled her glass. When the tender offered him another round, Garrus waved him off.

"She deserved to live for herself, not everyone else." Garrus finally said, breaking the melancholic silence. "But you know her."

"Do the job, no matter the cost. If you want it done right, you gotta work it yourself. Want it done? See it through." Ashley recited. "Kind of her rules to getting shit done. Every time I came to her complaining how hard a job was or about someone else's incompetence she'd just look at me and say one of those things." She shook her head before downing her second shot. "She had to sacrifice a lot… I mean she died twice! Lost a lot of good people too. Thane Krios, Legion… giving up Kaidan damn near killed her…." Ashley fell quiet and eyed Garrus cautiously before continuing, "May not have worried much about consequences or morality, but in the end she made those Reaper bastards pay!"

Garrus nodded slowly. "That she did."

Ashley leaned heavily against the bar. "Hell, I can imagine what they'd say if they were here. Well, not Thane or Legion since I didn't really know them, but Kaidan would go on about acting with integrity and all that bullcrap that would irritate me to no end. I'd argue with him that integrity is pointless if it stands in the way of saving lives. I mean the end justifies the means, right? But the ever-dutiful Kaidan would use my religion against me, saying God judges all our decisions, which would really get me riled up… I'd call him some choice words in retaliation. He'd mock me that God not only judges our decisions, but how we speak and act…"

"And Shepard would put an end the argument by telling the both of you to shut the hell up and drink your tequila." Garrus chuckled. He winced again as this time the stool to his left scraped against the tiles. "Stop living in what happened and move on already." he added before letting out a resigned sigh. "I need to let go. I need to move on. It's just… why should I go build up something I'll just lose again anyway? My C-Sec career, my team on Omega, my relationship with Shepard… Isn't it pointless if all you end up getting out of the deal are a few moments of supposed happiness and a shitload of pain and loneliness?" When she didn't answer he glanced toward Ashley, who just stared at him open mouthed, her brown eyes suddenly alert. "Ash? You alright?" It took him a few seconds to realize she was looking past him and he turned toward the woman who'd taken the seat next to him. He examined her, unable to recognize her as the hood of her zip-up sweatshirt was up, but he recognized the N7 logo on one of the dog tags that dangled down her front as she leaned over a full shot glass. "Who…"

"Shit happens. All we can really do is make it happen if we're capable, or grin and bear it if we're not. Besides, it's not worth it if you don't pay dearly for it…" offered the patron and Garrus nearly fell off his stool in shock. She turned to face him and he caught sight of that all-too-familiar smirk that had been the answer to many of his sarcastic comments during his time aboard the Normandy. "It might not be some heavenly bar, but here we are." she said quietly, peering at him from beneath the cowl with those wide, hazel eyes. "Hopefully it's enough for you…"

"Shepard?" he breathed, unable to take his eyes off the woman before him for fear he was merely seeing things. After he'd had a few second to adjust, he still found himself stating the obvious and unsure of what to say beyond that. "You're alive."

Shepard chuckled softly as she leaned in and grabbed his hand. "I'm hard to kill. You should know that." she said mockingly, cleverly quoting the very words he'd spoken to her when they'd run into one another on Taetrus months earlier.

Garrus shook his head, attempting either to clear his alcohol buzz or to rid himself of the cruel vision. When his attempt proved futile on both accounts, he struggled to wrap his mind around the situation. "But how? The Crucible…" Garrus began, but Shepard cut him off with a subtle hush, her hazel eyes moving to survey the people around them. "You've got a lot of explaining to do." he finally said, unsure what to make of Shepard's sudden and suspicious appearance.

Shepard returned her focus to him, her expression apologetic. "I know. But I can't do it here and I don't want to repeat myself… gather the members of the Normandy crew and tell them to meet you on the Silversun Strip. I'll be there and I'll explain everything then."

"The Strip? Shepard…" Garrus started again, but Shepard pulled back from him and stood, leaving her full shot glass where it sat. As she turned to leave, Garrus caught a rare look in Shepard's eyes, a look he himself had seen only a few times since the two of them first started working together: fear. It was mixed with what appeared to be traces of sadness and regret, but before he could inquire or deduce anything, Shepard slipped into the bustling bar crowd and disappeared.

"How much did I have to drink?" Ashley asked, turning her shocked gaze to the empty glass in front of her. "Pretty sure I'm not that wasted… I think."

"No more than I had…" Garrus answered as he stared hard at the full glass of liquor that served as his only evidence Shepard had been there at all. After a few moments he finally made a decision. With a sigh he pushed himself back from the bar, wrestling with his overwhelming feelings of elation and dread. "Let's move. I think we all learned a long time ago never to keep that woman waiting long. Shit tends to go down if you're late. And when you finally do arrive, you usually end up fighting off whatever enemy she's managed to make in the five minutes you left her alone."

Author's Notes:

My femshep's always been named Kassandra after an ancient Greek prophetess from Homer's the Iliad, who was cursed to never be believed. It's just ironic. Her backstory: Colonist, Sole Survivor, Mixed Paragon/Renegade.

Critiques and Comments Welcome!