A/N: sorry about the messyness of this all. Still poking around here. Anyway, this was something I had planned to do but it kind of fell apart because my second party ditched me for who knows what. I still think the scripts funny though.

Pillar of Autumn, Part A

KEYES: Cortana, shut up about you're porn. (speaking slowly)Did we lose them?

CORTANA: (Sarcasm)Yeah, totally captain crunch. Everyone's always interrupts my porn...

KEYES: We made a blind jump...how did they-

CORTANA: Beat our asses to it? The sperm ships have always shot faster then our tin boxes. It's a good thing they're not condoms or we'd be so screwed right now. Oh and for the tracking part, that's totally not my fault.

KEYES: I doubt that. We were running dark right?

CORTANA: Well we did claw open a giant hole into space. It's not like it would close behind us immediately. Space doesn't heal that fastly.

KEYES: Fastly?

CORTANA: (fast) shut up it's a word! Our fighters are cleaning up the small ones but we got a shit load of the really big ships. In other words, we're a rubber ducky in the duck pond at the zoo.

KEYES: Ew, think of all the bird feces. How long do we have?

CORTANA: Oh we should probably meet them in-

(Explosion outside)

CORTANA:-90 seconds

KEYES: That was a little late.

CORTANA: B-I-T-E me~!

KEYES: Well that's it then, bring the ship back to combat alert alpha. I want all American loving Americans to report to their stations.

CORTANA: You know that this ship has people of all nations in it right? That's why it's called the UNSC, you know, United Nations Space Corpse?

KEYES: Yes, the American United Nations Space Corpse of America. Didn't you realize that everyone has been speaking American? Even the Aliens! Because America is vastly superior to everyone else. And that's how the Americans forced all the nations together and it's how we're going to beat the aliens! Because Master Chief is American.

CORTANA: No he isn't! He's Eridanius! Ignoring you're blatant nationisim, should I wake him up? So he doesn't, you know, die frozen?

KEYES: Huh? Oh right.

LOUDSPEAKER:
Attention all UNSC personnel. Please report to your stations so you are properly placed to get your ass fried by enemy plasma fire. Remember, you are only meat shields to protect those far more important then yourself. Such as Captain Keyes, Cortana, Sergeant Johnson, Foe Hammer, The Warthogs, The computers, And that Rock.
Orbital Drop Shock Troopers are to be ready to be shot from atmosphere at highly dangerous and unpredictable angles at the unidentified object which we have no idea what does only to be most likely squashed on impact, shot by covenant, or eaten by some unknown alien life form we have yet to meet.
Marines are to run around trying to find escape pods that are placed inconveniently around the ship. Most of you will die by oncoming Covenant troops, and the others will most likely be shot down in space.

SERGEANT: You heard the lady. Move like you're actually worth the bullets you waste!

SERGEANT: Men, today we got ourselves a true battle. The kind of battle that would sky rocket a video game into a popularity so large people can make money off of fan creations. Then something called Machinima will take over the net and there will be blood over who's nonsense is better then who's.
But the bloodshed will never rival the blood we'll spill on this monumental day. We'll tear out their skulls from their spines. Then make ready-made sculptures out of them. And then we'll make their guts into jam. And make a pie with their skin as crust and-

LOUDSPEAKER: Sergeant. Shut the hell up. You are grossing me out.

SERGEANT: Uh yea...Am I right marines?

MARINES: Hell no sir!

SERGEANT: What the hell do you know? Now get out of here before I crush your-

TECH1: Holy Spartans batman! Look at this!

TECH2: Okay? (pause) let's thaw him out.

TECH1: Oki doki Smokey, thawing out cave man from his lemon flavored frozen goo.

TECH2: Lemon? I thought it was lime...

TECH1: He's hot! Blowing the Pins in five!

TECH2: What the hell are pins?

CORTANA: Isn't it kind of foreboding the main character didn't show up in the first episode?