In the middle of the dark room, surrounded by books, stood a desk. A bald man in red robe was sitting in the armchair at the desk, holding a glass of wine in one hand and a book in the other. A fire place behind him was burning brightly. He looked at the space in front of him.
"Hello there.", Julian Day said.
"Since the Halloween arrived,
It's a rather proper time
for telling you all a story
dark, mischevious and quite gory.
Tale so real, tale that happened,
full of drama, full of frightened
main characters,
who, despite not being actors,
were a part of ghastly, grim show,
that brought fear - and nothing more."
Some time before Arkham Asylum incident...
"Grey, I swear I'm gonna shove my boot up your ass if you won't speed up!", I shouted, shooting at the police car through the windshield.
"Hey, it ain't my fault that I'm driving a freakin' school bus!", Grey shouted, trying to avoid running over some people. 'Trying' was the keyword.
"It's not my fault, either!", I said and threw a clip to Sharky. "Wacky scared the freaking kid! And then it just happened!"
"This bus is full of goodies!", Wacky shouted and threw a grenade on the road. Two seconds later, we heard an explosion that blew up the cops' car, allowing us to escape the city, right into the forest region.
Grey drove for some time and after Gotham disappeared from out sight, he stopped the bus and we all took a deep breath, glad that we're alive.
I noticed that Wacky was grinning and I felt the sudden urge to stick my shotgun up his private sewer line.
"What 'goodies' could possibly be on a fucking school bus?", I said.
"What are ya, stupid?", Wacky asked and raised a back pack from one of the seats. "Lunch time!", he said, and to my disbelief, he took out a sandwich and started to eat it.
I gave him an angry look. "Sharky, hold me.", I said. Sharky reluctantly gave me a hug. "Not like this, ya moron!", I shouted and he let go of me.
"Wacky, what the fuck?! You did it all for SANDWICHES?!", I asked, boiling from anger.
"Those are very good sandwiches.", he said. I wasn't convinced. "Those are made with love.", he added.
"... Wacky...", I said and came closer to him. "I'm going to murder you.", I said and reloaded my shotgun.
"Oh, c'mon, man, there are even some candies!", Wacky said and pulled the chocolote bar from the pack. "Heeere comes the plane!", he said happily and pressed the treat against my face. "You're supposed to open your mouth, but good enough for your first Crime-a-ween.", he said.
"My what?"
"Oh, that's right. You guys don't know?", Wacky said and we all gave him a curious look.
"Jay's been up to something. Something big. And he's gonna need a new crib for this.", he said, proud of his knowledge.
"Are you sure it's not because we all have to share our beds with the rats?", Grey asked sceptically.
"I think one of them was spooning with me last night.", Sharky said and shivered.
"Naah. I'm telling you guys, Jay mentioned something called 'Crime-a-ween' and he said that we're gonna need a new crib. And if we find one, he may even give something to us.", Wacky said. This idiot's childish optimism was almost heartwarming.
"Well... there's an old, abandoned building nearby.", Grey said. "But there's been a fire which killed the family that lived in there. People say it was caused by a vengeful ghost who haunts the place. The fire also revealed that the house has been built on the Native Americans' cementery. Where Nazis conducted experiments. On werewolves. Undead ones.", he added.
"Well... sounds good to us, right?", Sharky asked.
"Well... looks good to us, right?", Sharky asked.
"Shut up, Sharky.", we all said in unison.
The mansion on the hill looked grim, ruined and filled with death.
"Damn, Sharky is right.", Grey said. "Jay would love this place."
"And I hate it already.", I said. "We won't tell Jay anything."
"Yes, we will. He'll give us reward, remember?", Wacky said.
"We can't be sure, remember? Besides, this house sucks. We won't tell Jay anything and forget it.", I said. Wacky came closer to me and looked me in the eyes. He was towering over me, but I was holding my shotgun, ready to shoot.
"Huzzah!", Wacky yelled and stabbed my eyes with his fingers.
"Aaaah! Fingers in the eyes! My only kryptonite!"
"Your what?", Sharky asked.
"Forget it! Where's Wacky?", I asked, rubbing my eyes after the stealth attack.
"He went down the hill. Don't worry. He'll be back when he realises that Sharky has the keys.", Grey said.
"What? I thought that you had them.", Sharky said. We heard the noise of starting the engine.
"I hate my job.", I said.
After three hours of walking non-stop, of course through the back alleys to avoid the cops, we were finally back at the base.
As soon as we opened the door, we heard yelling.
"There ya are, ya freakin' mooks!", Harley, subtle and feminine as always, shouted to us. "Mistah Jay has a job for ya."
"Get out of the way, Quinn, we gotta speak with Jay.", Sharky said. Normally, he would use a bad pick-up line, but after three hours of march, even the best Spanish womanizer wouldn't be charming. Sharky was barely a womanizer, barely a Spaniard and he wasn't the best at anything, that's to be sure.
Harley gave him a cold look. "Don't ya dear talk to me like this, stink-brain.", Harl said. "Or Mistah J will show you something ya'll never forget.", she added with a smirk.
"Yeah, sure, whatever.", Shark answered, but he went quiet when Jay entered the room.
"Troops! I got special task for ya!", he announced with joy.
"Of course, boss.", Sharky said with a grin. Everybody knew he was afraid of the boss.
"Good, ol' Wacky-boy told me about the mansion outside of town. I won't lie, I could use some fresh air.", boss said and waved his hand in front of his face. Kinda ironic to hear it from a guy who has yet to discover shower.
"By the way, the bus that Wacko brought with him broke down, so we gotta go on foot.", Jay said.
"Kill me.", I said hopelessly. Jay raised a crowbar.
"Oh shit."
"Don't give me that angry look, Reddie. You asked me to.", Joker said.
"Sure thing, boss.", I said with a fake grin, rubbing my poor, hurting cheek.
"At least we're all going on a trip now!", boss said with joy while sitting on Wacky's back and hitting him with a stick. "C'mon, Wacko! You can go faster than that!"
I couldn't help but smile. "Your sins are absolved, Wacky.", I said and chuckled when Jay smacked him with the stick again.
We all eventually reached the mansion. Joker came off Wacky's back and examined the house, looking at it through the square that he formed with his fingers.
"I will kinda miss the rats, but you cannot have everything.", Jay said. "Okay, guys. Before we tell the rest of the gang and before we actually move in, we gotta take a better look at the inside of the house. You know, just to make sure it's safe. It would be a shame if one of our troops broke his neck in some horrible catastrophe... by accident."
"But boss, it's getting dark already.", I said.
"It will boost up the mood."
"We don't have the signal.", Sharky said.
"Who needs telephones anyway?"
"There's a hangman on that tree.", Grey said and pointed his finger at the body.
"He'll increase the resale value."
"Boss, I got a baaad feeling about this.", I said.
Jay gave me a funny look, but we entered the mansion nevertheless.
The inside of the old building was even worse than I expected. The wallpapers were coming off the walls and hanging hopelessly, spiders have already established their own mansions inside of the mansion, while the old, creepy paintings of old, creepy people were giving us unfriendly looks.
"Well... it could've been worse, right?", Sharky said.
Suddenly, we heard a loud, cracking sound and we all looked up, noticing a chandelier, falling at the least valuable member of our group.
Sharky would've end up as a filthy, uneducated blood splatter if it wasn't for Harley, who grabbed him by his leather jacket, tackled him aside, saving his sorry ass in the process.
Sharky was laying on the ground, with Harley on top of him.
"My hero... ine.", Spaniard said in a sweet voice.
"Should've make sure the chandelier kills ya.", Harley said and let go of his jacket, letting his head hit the floor.
"Love hurts.", he whispered and stood up.
"I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for the chandelier falling down in the precise, exact moment when Sharky was standing underneath.", Joker said.
"He's an asshole?", Harl asked.
"Exactly!", Jay responded and said "Okey, guys, we gotta split up! If anyone finds something dangerous, useful, covered in blood or begging to die, I don't care! Just makes sure no one lives in here anymore. I'm a lousy roommate."
"So how 'bout we go together, puddin?", Harley said with a sweet smile.
Jay nodded and embraced Harley, gently patting her head. Then he threw her on the ground.
"April fools!", he said.
"But... it's Halloween..."
"Still, I think you should go with someone else. Wacky, Sharky, you'll check the hallway on the left. Grey, you and me will check the hallway on the right. Which means Harley and Reddie will go check the upper floor.", Joker said and chuckled. "The team who finds the most disgusting thing wins a prize!"
Harley sighted. "Fine, puddin."
Then she turned to me. "Try anything and Mistah J will kick yer ass, right, puddin'?"
"I couldn't give less of a damn!", Jay said, entering the hallway along with Grey.
"Well... let's go, shall we?", I asked and Harley just made a quiet 'pff'.
"Gee, what is that smell?", Wacky said.
Sharky made a silly face. "Normally, I'd say it's you. But this stuff stinks too bad even for you."
"Hey, piss off."
Sharky just cackled. After examining a couple of rooms, mostly bedrooms and one wardrobe, they eventually found a kitchen.
"Damn, this place is old.", Shark said.
"I wonder if there's anything to eat."
His companion just gave him an annoyed look. "Is there anything you care about besides eating?"
"I enjoy 'Moonlight Sonata' and 'Jacob's Ladder'."
"... you're dead to me, Wacky."
Suddenly, all the shelves opened at once, and a terrible scream vibrated through the air. Sharky and Wacky weren't impressed.
"Wow... that's really cheap.", Wacky said.
"And so 80's.", Sharky added.
Suddenly, Wacky noticed something in one of the shelves.
"Is that...", Sharky said with terror.
"LOW CALORIE COOKIES!"
They both screamed in unison and ran away from the horror of the kitchen.
"So how about this: I'll check all the rooms on the left and you'll check all the rooms on the right. Okey?", I asked Harley. She nodded and I entered the first room on my left.
It was a very old bedroom and it didn't seem to be used in a long time. There was a big, old fashioned bed, a wooden closet and a wooden desk.
I sat on the bed, careful not to break it. God only knew how old was this place.
"Pretty comfy.", I muttered.
Suddenly, some invisible force grabbed me by the hair, and I screamed in fear.
"Let me go!", I shouted. But it seemed like if there was no one holding me.
"Hey, it ain't my fault that you're dead!", I said. "Well, at least I don't think so... wait...", I said. The ghostly being didn't really hurt me. It was just playing with my hair.
"Wait... so you were... a barber? Or someone like that?"
I didn't hear anything in response, but I just smiled, realising that the discovery of conscious, non-material being could've change our world forever.
"Wait... are you giving me BLOND HIGHLIGHTS?!"
I started screaming again, trying to free myself.
When Reddie was busy checking the room on the left, I started checking ones on the right. I found something that could've serve as a place for the servants to rest, since there was a table, four chairs and a single shelf. The place was too modest to serve for someone who prefered luxury.
"What's this?", I said to myself after noticing something on the shelf. I picked up a small box and realised it was a music box, with a beautifuly crafted ballerina inside. A trembling music was heard from the box, showing just how old it was.
Suddenly, a creepy, deep, hostile voice said "Get out."
The voice didn't seem to come out of anything in particular, like if it belonged to the room itself.
When I placed the music box back on the shelf and turned back, I noticed that all the furnitures were on the ceiling.
"Get out.", the voice repeated.
"How about you get the f*ck out before I shove your motherf*cking tongue up your daddy's rotten as*hole and make your mommy lick it f*cking clean after she bends you over and f*cks you with her giant, sweaty **** *******?"
The voice started crying and eventually faded away.
"Pff. As I thought."
"So... how's it going, Grey?", Joker asked.
"Pretty good, all things considering. How about you, boss?"
"I don't like to complain. Harley's been really upsetting me lately, but I guess it's normal in a relationship."
"Yeah, don't worry about it. So, what do you think about this place?"
"Well, it's obviously pretty neglected, but with a little bit of work from the entire crew, this place could actually be a pretty good base for all the activities, heists and other jobs that we might perform.", Joker said.
"It's also set outside of town, which is actually much better than living in the city, since we don't have to worry about the gang wars anymore, not to even mention that our notoriety will not attract nearly as much police attention as it normally would, since this part of the forest isn't visited very often.", Grey responded.
"We also have to take into consideration that living so far away from the city will obviously create the need for certain vehicular transportation system, which will need regular attention and necessary repairs."
"Indeed, that might seem to be a problem, but when we analyse all the profits and flaws of this location, which will indubitably make aquiring goods by illegal means incredibly easier, it seems clear that the profits will allow us to afford the transportations system, as well as to raise our life standard."
"That's a very good point, dear friend."
"YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING BORING!", a demonic voice shouted out of nowhere. "I'm getting out of here, I can't take that BULLSHIT anymore!"
Grey and Joker heard a sound of somebody going out of the hallway, then opening and closing the mansion's main doors.
"How rude.", Joker said.
"I feel utter contempt.", Grey agreed.
"Wow, now that was scary.", Sharky said. Wacky nodded.
"Yeah. Almost like a horror movie.", the other thug said and suddenly shivered with worried expression.
"What is it?", Shark asked.
"Don't you see? This is basically a haunted house. 'Everybody-dies-upon-entering' kind of a haunted house."
"But we're still alive, imbecile."
"It's easy for you to say. The black guy always dies first!", Wacky said with fear. "Unless..."
"Unless what? Why... why are you looking at me like this?", the Spaniard asked.
"The gay guy never dies first."
"What?"
"Sharky, make out with me.", Wacky said, dead serious.
"WHAT?!"
Sharky started running away, pretty sure that being in relationship with Wacky probably wouldn't make Harley more interested in him.
"Sharky, I demand you to make out with me right now!"
"And may THAT be a lesson for ya.", I said to the ghost. I must say, I was pretty thankful that my grandma made me wear a crucifix-necklace at all times. I'm just not sure if she expected me to shove it up a ghost's ass.
I left the bedroom and walked into the hallway, just to see Harley walking out of the room she was supposed to check.
"So...", I said.
"So...?"
"Did you see anything weird?", I asked.
"Nope.", she said. "And you?"
"Not at all."
"Great. So, let's continue.", Harl said.
"Wait!", I said with fear, trembling like a big, strong man. I coughed and said "I mean, if something dangerous happens, I should be there with you, right?"
She just sighed. "Sure, tough guy."
We entered another room, which probably had no windows, since it was completely dark.
"Reddie..."
"Yes?"
"Please, tell me that you are holding my hand."
"What? Harley, I..."
"Peek-a-boo."
A ghastly face appeared out of nowhere, lit by the flashlight.
"Aaaah! Wait, Johnny?", Harl asked.
"That's me.", the guy called Johnny answered.
"Who's that?!", I asked, mad that the guy scared the living crap outta me.
"That's the Scarecrow.", Harley explained.
"Dude, that new mask is fucking scary!", I said, really impressed.
"That's my face.", he said and put his mask on.
"Oh... well, this new glove is really freaking hidious, though."
"That's my hand.", he said and showed that he had the glove on his other hand.
"Wait... so whose hand I am holding?", Harl asked.
"Sorry to pop-in unannounced.", a spooky voice said and another flashlight was turned on, revealing a creepy face. We all started screaming and ran out of the room.
"We gotta find Mistah J and get out of here!", Harley shouted, panicked.
"What about Wacky and Sharky?"
"I'll mourn them well!", Harl yelled. "Well, at least Wacky."
We noticed that nobody was following us, so we stopped running and realised that we ended up in the main hall.
I was panting heavily, but I still managed to ask some important question to Scarecrow. "What are YOU doing here, anyway? Is all of this weird stuff just another one of your nightmares?"
"Unfortunately, no. I was trapped in here just as you."
"Trapped? But the doors are open.", I said with confusion.
"No, they are NOT.", Scarecrow said and came over to the door, then started pushing them as hard as he could, breathing heavily and grunting.
Harley walked over to him and slightly pushed the door with one hand and they opened easily, letting Scarecrow fall on his face.
"I hate you.", he muttered.
"I know, Johnny.", Quinn said sweetly.
"So, we're off to go.", I said, happy as hell.
"No, we're not.", Harl said. "Mistah J is still out there. We gotta save him!"
"But..."
Harl sent me the stare much scarier than any ghost.
Suddenly, Sharky ran into the hall, screaming and waving his arms.
"Save me!"
He hid behind the Scarecrow, much to the latter's confusion.
Wacky entered the room as well, breathing heavily.
"Running... is NOT fun.", he mumbled.
"Wait... what is this guy doing here?", Sharky pointed at Johnny.
"Being a super-villain isn't very profitable.", he answered. "I work part-time as a property manager and I was trying to sell this mansion to some eccentric, dumb millionaire, like Bruce Wayne."
"Dude, seriously?", I asked. "There's a freakin' hangman outside!"
"He'll increase the resale value."
"Okay, dummies, I don't care what happened between you two...", Harl said to Wacky and Sharky, "... but we're gonna find Mistah J, and then we're outta here, right?", she ended and everybody nodded, having enough of this place.
We entered the hallway that Joker and Grey were supposed to check. We gathered in front of the first door, me holding my shotgun, Harley carrying a machine gun, Scarecrow preparing his scythe and Wacky using the power of mass. Sharky, on the other hand, was freaking useless, so he was opening the door.
What we all saw made us speecheless.
Joker, sitting at the table with Grey. They were both drinking tea.
"And that's why economy...", Joker was saying, but our arrival interrupted him.
"WHAT?!", I shouted, not for the first time.
"Hey, everybody.", Grey said with a smile. I swore to myself that this was the last time I allowed Grey to annoy me.
Then, much to our shock, the floor under Grey opened and he fell down the pit. The hole in the floor closed itself and just like that, the old man has disappeared from our sight.
"So how's the trip?", Jay asked.
"He... he just... vanished.", Harl said with disbelief.
"Well...", I though. "It really was the last time."
Grey was falling down an incredibly long pit and he eventually noticed that there were some words, painted with blood on the walls. After some effort, he managed to read the letters.
'Spikes', it said.
"Oh shit."
He closed his eyes and finally hit the bottom.
He hit the mattress, to be exact.
"... I expected myself to be deader than this."
He looked around the room he was in. "A secret room? I gotta get myself one someday."
He noticed another bloody message on the wall.
"JK, we're not assholes."
"Well, that's nice.", Grey said to himself. Suddenly, something moved in the darkness that surrounded him.
"I hope that's nice as well."
"What does it mean 'leave'?!", Jay said with disbelief.
"It means to get the hell outta here, boss.", Wacky said, happy like a puppy that managed to catch the ball.
"Just by the way, who found the most disgusting thing in the house?", the boss asked.
Sharky grabbed Johnny by the wrist and raised his hand.
"You'll get a nice cookie for that.", Joker said. "Anyway, why do we have to leave?", he continued to whine.
"Why?! Just... just look!", I said and walked out of the room. The group followed me and I opened the door to the next room.
"See? This place is ruined, creepy and fucking haunted!", I said, opening the door. I was looking at everybody, but their faces were more freaked out than I expected.
"Guys, chill out, it can't be that bad.", I said and looked into the room.
I felt like the guy who said 'this snake cannot be that venomous'.
The inside of the room was covered in blood and entrails of something impossible to identify.
"Been there, done that.", Jay said. "So how about we make Crime-a-ween an annual tradition?"
"What the fuck is all of this?!", Harl yelled.
"Well, there's a family of cannibals living in here.", Scarecrow said.
"Why didn't you tell us?!", I asked with anger.
"You didn't ask. Although now thinking about it, it may affect the resale value.", he answered, visibly worried.
"Can we please go home? I'm hungry, there's no bathroom and I'm getting sleepy.", Wacky said. "That cannibals thing sucks, too."
Harley sighted. "Urgh, and that's why I don't want any kids."
"But... but what about Grey?", I asked.
"Yeah, what about the old man?', Sharky supported me. "We can't just leave him like this."
"What'cha all talking about?", an older lady appeared out of nowhere and asked. "Perhaps you can talk this over a dinner?", she asked and let out a creepy laugh. She had an apron covered in blood.
"Fuck Grey.", me and Sharky said in unison.
We all ran to the front door, including Jay.
"Boss, I thought that you're not scared!", Sharky said.
"I'm not scared of cannibals, I'm scared of aprons!"
"What?! But that doesn't make any sense!", I said.
"Besides, dinners with old people are awkward and boring!", Jay added.
"That's actually true.", Sharky agreed.
We reached the main doors only to find a creepy, old man standing in front of it, holding a key.
"Now, now, where are you going?", he asked and grinned, showing no teeth in his mouth. "We don't want you to miss the dinner, now do we?"
"There's all kind of clown-stuff in my pants right now.", Joker said.
I stood in front of the group, so I decided to do something.
"Please, if you have any morality left, I beg you... eat Wacky first."
"What?!", Wacky said, angry and surprised.
"Sorry dude, but after they eat you, they won't fit us in.", I said.
"That's true. Screw you, though.", he answered.
"Eat you?", the old man said, really surprised and confused. "Why would we eat you?"
"Because you're cannibals?", Harl asked with trembling voice.
"Cannibals?", the old man chuckled. "And who told you that?"
We all gave Johnny a pissed off look.
"Explain.", Harley said and crossed her arms.
"Well... you were scared, right? I still got it!", Scarecrow said happily.
"What?", Sharky said. "You did it to improve yer freakin' self-esteem?!"
"Well, it sounds pretty stupid when you put it that way...", the villain said with sad tone.
Meanwhile, the old lady joined us in the room.
"Hey, why all the running?", she asked kindly.
"Well... we thought that you were cannibals... but if you're not, then why do you have an entire room covered in blood? And where's our friend?!", I asked.
"I'm here.", Grey said and walked out of the hallway, following the old lady.
"Grey?! You're alive!", Wacky said and hugged the old man tightly.
"Get off me, you giant man-baby!", the older man answered and Wacky let him go.
"Those people are fine. Martha and Jonah have a butchery shop and Jonah was storing the leftovers here, with the intention of leaving them for the animals.", Grey explained.
"So why did you lock the doors?", Harley asked suspiciously.
"The doors? I didn't lock them. I just wanted to open the casette where I keep my teeth.", the man called Jonah said, opened the casette and placed the false teeth in his mouth. His smile suddenly stopped being creepy and instead became very kind and warm.
"Well... we're sorry that we thought you're psychopaths. All this blood and ghosts really scared us.", I said and we all shared a laugh.
Martha patted my back while chuckling. "We ate the family that lived here, though.", she said. She and Jonah continued to chuckle.
Me and my group ran out of the house, screaming like madmen that we probably were anyway.
"Are they gone?", an inhuman voice said and Killer Croc appeared out of the darkness.
"Yep. We really scared them with this whole 'cannibals' story.", Martha said and chuckled.
"I'm really thankfull for what you did for me. This house will be a place of my own where I can just be myself.", Croc said.
"I'm wondering what happened to the family that lived here, though.", Jonah said.
"Yeah, that's a mistery.", Killer Croc said and chuckled.
Martha and Jonah looked at each other, then ran away, screaming as loudly as they could.
"Huh... fools... they even believed some ghost bullshit.", Croc said.
Suddenly, he felt a wet, clawed, cold hand on his back. Basically it was like his own hand.
"Get out.", someone whispered.
"Fuck my uncle."
Croc ran out of the house, joining a long convoy of people yelling and waving their hands.
"That's the story for this year's Halloween, my dear listeners.", Julian Day said. "As you probably noticed, this story wasn't real. Although, can you really be sure?", Calendar Man said and smiled, listening to the police sirens.
"Open up, Day, we got you surrounded!"
He took one more sip of the wine.
"Thirty days hath September,
April, June, and November.
Of twenty-eight is but one,
And all the rest are thirty-one.
Of course, leap year comes and slays.
Every four years - got it right -
And twenty-eight is twenty-nine."