Rewriting the Epilogue

By Melody Breathless

Summary: Nobody likes the epilogue, so here's what JKR really wrote. In the special edition of the books, dont'cha know.

Disclaimer: No, of course I don't own any of the characters or situations. Anything you recognize belongs to JK Rowling, who is not me. She makes money off this, I don't.

Feedback: Go on and flame, see if I care. If you can't tell this is a total pisstake, I'm just going to laugh at you back.

Harry Potter was having a midlife crisis. His hair was falling out, he'd put on weight, and he had wrinkles. At least he didn't look as bad as his wife Ginny, who had turned into her own mother. Because everyone knows Molly Weasley is the devil incarnate.

One evening, Ron and Hermione came over for dinner. The "Golden Trio" were in their forties now and they still couldn't get out of the habit of living in each other's back pockets. While everyone was eating, Ron and Hermione decided to engage in some loving banter to show the world how much they cared about each other.

"You complete arse, Ronald Weasley! I can't believe you slurped your soup!" said Hermione.

"Yeah? Well, shut your face. You're my wife and you'll do as I say. If I had my way, you'd stay at home and bring up a hundred kids like my mother did!" yelled Ron.

"Exactly! I don't move a muscle without Harry's permission, and he loves it, don't you, darling?" Ginny simpered up to Harry in a most sickening way. He shuddered.

"Actually, I'm a bit fed up with you. You're fat, you're ugly, and I can't stand the way you fawn all over me. Why can't you be the funloving Sue – er, girl - I married?"

Ginny got up from the table. "Well, I've got news for you, Harry Potter! I've been having an affair behind your back for years! Didn't you ever wonder why our children look strangely ferret - like?"

There was a puff of smoke. Without warning, Draco Malfoy, Prince of Slytherin, stepped out of the fireplace. His hairline was certainly not receding; Hermione suspected he'd had a hair transplant. She knew all about this, because her parents were Elton John fans.

"Come with me, my love!" Draco said to Ginny. "I'll take you and the kids to Malfoy Manor, where we can live a splendiferous life of snarky wit and leather pants!" Ginny did a twirl. All of a sudden, she was magically young and slender again, dressed in a totally kewl outfit from Hot Topic.

"Come on, kids!" she called out. "We're all going to live with Daddy Draco!" Albus, James and Lily came stomping down the stairs.

"Hooray! Daddy Draco!" said Lily, and threw her arms around him. "We love you! And we hate that ugly git with the glasses and the scar!"

"I love you too. But we'll have to rename you. From now on, you're Lucius II, Narcissa II and Severus. Is that OK?"

"Quick, let's get out of here," said Ginny. "I can't stand the smell."

Draco pulled out some Floo powder and threw it on the fire. "To Malfoy Manor!" he cried. They held hands, stepped into the fireplace, and were gone in a twinkle of green.

By now, Harry's jaw was on the floor. "I didn't see that coming."

"I did," said Hermione, as she helped him scrape up what was left of the lower half of his face. "Ginny is a slut. She's no good for you. I tried to tell you that the whole time we were at school, don't you remember?"

"No," Harry said honestly.

"But what about all those meaningful late night conversations we had in the common room after Ron had gone to bed? You MUST remember those."

"No."

"Or the longing glances we shared over breakfast, trying to pretend that Ron wasn't there?"

"No!"

At once, Hermione burst into tears.

"I can't believe you, Harry James Potter!" she wailed. "I've harboured a secret love for you all these years and you never noticed! Then you ran off with that redheaded tramp! I had to marry her brother, who looks and smells like a dead dog's arse!"

"I can hear you, you know," piped up Ron from across the table.

Harry looked at Hermione, for the first time seeing her as she really was. Had she changed over the summer, or was she just better at glamour charms than Ginny was? Her once – bushy hair was now a tumbling waterfall of silken curls. Her luscious lips were as red as roses and her caramel orbs shimmered with tears, etc.

"Why, Hermione! You're beautiful!" he said in awe.

Hermione looked up at him. "Really?"

"Yes, really! I don't know how I could ever have preferred Ginny to you. Must've been a love potion or something. Why else would there be so much stuff about love potions in the sixth book?"

"Oh, Harry! I love you too!"

They made out in the middle of the kitchen for a while, until Ron cleared his throat and ruined the moment. He always has to spoil their fun.

"I take it we're getting divorced, then?" asked Ron.

Hermione slapped him in the face. "Fuck you, Ronald! I'm going to live happily ever after with Harry. And I demand custody of the children!"

"You can do what you like," he said. "I'm going to find myself a topless model. It's too cliché for everyone to marry the people they went to school with."

"Get out of my house, Weasley!" Harry ordered. "And if you ever so much as look at Hermione ever again, I'll hex you into the next millennium!"

"I'm going, don't worry." Ron shuffled over to the door, picking his nose as he went. What a pathetic oaf.

"And good riddance!" said Hermione.

"Aren't you sad you've just lost us our best friend?" Harry asked her.

"Nah. We'll be friendly with Neville and Luna. Of course they ended up together, 'cause they're such a pair of freaks nobody else would have them!"

Harry leaned over to kiss her again, but then he hesitated. His spider senses were tingling (crossovers FTW!), warning him that danger was nearby. He barely had time to pull Hermione out of the path of danger before Sirius's flying motorbike came crashing through the window. What was really surprising was that Sirius himself was on the bike. "Harry! Hermione! Good to see you!"

"Sirius, you're dead! You died when I was fifteen!" Harry pointed out.

"I know, but who cares about canon? I'm right here, and so is my boyfriend, Remus." Lupin waved at them from the back seat.

"But if you can come back from the dead, that means –" said Hermione. Before she could finish, a loud explosion shook the room. As the door blew up into splinters, Voldemort drifted across the floor towards them.

"So, Harry Potter, we meet again! If on slightly more favourable terms!"

Harry sighed. "Here we go again!"