Love-by date
Summary: they met, they fell in love, they built a life together. Now, twenty years later, Justin is sure Brian's love for him has reached its limits, while Brian seems unable to let him go.
Part I. Justin
October 17th, 2016,
Britin
"Do you really have to go so early?" Justin asked, watching Brian try one expensive shirt after another. He didn't receive a reply — not that he actually expected one. After the past two years he came to realization that he just couldn't rate up with his husband's morning rituals anymore — and certainly he wasn't as important as Kinnetik, or potential clients, or even Brian's brand new Corvette. He had his values, of course — he cooked, picked up their clothes at dry cleaners, and he was a partner in Kinnetik, which, Justin suspected, was exactly why Brian still kept him around. Their marriage had turned into farce a long time ago, all feelings were dead and buried… at least on Brian's part. When Justin looked at him, even now, twenty years after their first meeting, he still saw the most beautiful man in the world. The man he loved and needed with every ounce of his being.
Sometimes he thought that Brian's rudeness would be much better than this cold indifference. At least it wouldn't hurt this much.
"You said you were going to take some time off once the Swanson account was handled," he continued, and this time Brian murmured absentmindedly:
"I did?"
"Yes," Justin rubbed his forehead, feeling tired already. Christ, he was thirty seven, not eighty. How could he feel so exhausted early in the morning? Brian was the same age, and somehow he managed to spend all his time working without looking haggard.
Maybe Justin just had more things to be tired of.
"I hoped we could go somewhere warm for the weekend. Like Florida? You wanted to visit St. Augustine, remember?"
"The Ancient city?" Brian half-smiled, probably remembering their private little jokes about it. The day they'd been discussing it was filled with laughter and happiness, and Justin stopped breathing for a moment, seeing that familiar, boyish smile again after such a long time.
Feeling encouraged, he tentatively reached and put his arms around his husband's shoulders, leaning his head against his back.
"Jesus, Justin, I've just cleaned this shirt up!" Brian snapped, taking a few steps away from him and scrutinizing the dark green fabric.
Good mood evaporating, Justin scowled.
"Right, and I've been digging a hole with bare hands and forgot to wash them." Annoyed, he moved back to the bed and sat down, staring at the wall darkly. Leave it to Brian to ruin the first normal moment they'd had in months.
"Okay, I'm leaving," finally satisfied with his suit, Brian turned to look at him. "Don't be late today, we have to discuss a new campaign for Vergeville. That old fart didn't like what the team has come up with, so we'll have to take care of it by ourselves."
"You didn't tell me about that."
"I've been busy, so I asked Cynthia to call you," Brian took his suitcase and moved to the door, without even glancing at him.
"Busy," Justin spat. His anger, his sorrow at what they'd lost had been boiling inside him for years, and now he suddenly felt like he was choking on them, like he would explode if he didn't find the outlet. "When are you not busy? You're always working, Brian. Always. As if you're still twenty and must build your business from scratch. As if we don't have enough money to last us a lifetime!" his voice rose, his hands clenched into fists, but Brian still hadn't turned, hadn't even slowed down, and the fury became overwhelming. "Fucking look at me!"
That finally caught Brian's attention. He stopped and turned around, and Justin was expecting it, but he still felt shocked when he saw his calm, expressionless face. He knew Brian didn't care, he almost accepted it, but such obvious indifference caused him a sharp, piercing stab of pain.
"You don't love me anymore," Justin said softly. He'd meant it as a question, but it came out sounding like a statement.
Brian's eyes narrowed, and when he spoke, his voice was even:
"I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but I hope you'll get over it before coming to Kinnetik. We have to work, not waste hours discussing your ridiculous, baseless assumptions."
Justin flinched as the door closed with a bang, and shook his head slowly.
How had they come to this? When had it happened, why hadn't they stopped when they still had a chance?
He curled up in their big, cold bed and closed his eyes with his hands. Remembering.
September 14th, 1996
"I can't believe they let us in!" Justin looked around the club in awe, seeing countless men dancing, drinking, and just wandering around, looking for someone to hook up with. "I told you our IDs looked real."
Daphne, who was practically bouncing with excitement, rolled her eyes.
"You're such a dork, Justin! Nobody in their right minds would ever believe our piece of shit IDs. You're just cute — didn't you see how that bouncer was staring at you? He liked you!"
"He did not!"
"I'm telling you, he was totally checking you out. Maybe he hoped to get some from you later, you know… after we leave."
"No way!" Justin stared at her, aghast. "Are you serious? Then what do we do, how will we get out of here?"
"Oh, stop being such a princess," Daphne elbowed him, her eyes darted from one topless man to another. "He won't do anything, I bet he always cruises every remotely hot guy."
"Hey, I'm not 'remotely hot'," Justin protested, annoyed, but he quickly forgot about everything when some tall, bronze haired guy sent an enticing smile his way.
"Go to him!" Daphne hissed into his ear, but the blond shook his head, watching the guy leave. "What? Why not?"
"We just got here, Daph. And he's hot and all, but I'm looking for something else."
"Something else?" she repeated incredulously. "Something what else?"
"I don't know yet," Justin smiled enigmatically. "But I'll tell you when I find him."
They watched the dancing crowd for a while, then danced themselves a little. Justin couldn't believe how amazing it felt to be finally able to fit in, to feel at home, even though he didn't know any of those people. He hadn't come out yet, not to his parents and not at school, but it was like everyone was suspecting something, because they usually preferred to stay away from him. No that Justin minded — he felt perfectly comfortable on his own, but he missed Daphne who was studying in another school, and it would have been nice to have someone to sit with in the school canteen.
"Justin!" he suddenly heard Daphne's shocked gasp, and looked at her in surprise.
"What's the matter?"
"I think that guy is from your school!" she squinted, trying to get a closer look. "I saw him at one of your photos… I guess. It's hard to tell from here, we have to get closer."
"What are you…" Justin followed her gaze and froze, feeling his heart skip a beat.
The boy he saw was indeed from his school. He didn't know his name, he didn't know anything about him, but he'd seen him in the corridors sometimes, always surrounded by friends and groups of enamoured girls. He was one of the most gorgeous, attractive men Justin had ever laid his eyes on, but strangely, he'd never thought about him this way before. Maybe because it'd never occurred to him that someone like that could be gay, more than that — gay and interested in him. So he had appreciated his obvious beauty and wild sexual energy emanating from him from afar, never entertaining himself with 'what if' thoughts and useless hopes.
Now, seeing him here, at Babylon, Justin had hard time catching his breath. The boy hadn't noticed him yet — he was walking leisurely in the direction of the bar, eyeing every guy meticulously, the corners of his lips were curled up in a condescending smile. Obviously he knew what kind of impression he made on people, and Justin wondered if he was just confident or downright arrogant. In any way, he felt warmth invading his cheeks, and his stomach clenched in anticipation. Anticipation of what — he didn't know. That boy hadn't even looked twice at him at school, why did he think Babylon would change it?
"Come on," Daphne hissed and nudged him.
"Stop pushing me," Justin hissed back and stole another glance at the boy. He cleared his throat, rolled his shoulders and took a step forward, but suddenly Daphne practically shoved him, and Justin lost his balance. He fell right on the boy, nearly knocking him off his feet, and froze, mortified. Damn Daphne. Damn his overbearing, exuberant best friend who was more excited at his chance to get laid than he was himself. Now he'd made a complete fool of himself, and this guy would not only laugh at him, he'd probably make his life miserable at school as well…
"Are you planning to stand like that?" he heard a teasing, velvety voice right in his ear, and hot shiver ran through his body. Slowly, Justin raised his head and stared into amused hazel eyes.
"Oh… uhm... I'm sorry," he mumbled, but made no attempt to move. The boy smirked, his hands slid down to rest at either side of Justin's waist, then slipped lower and cupped his ass. Justin blushed, but didn't look away — he wanted to enjoy this moment for as long as it was possible. "My name's Justin," he blurted out, and the boy's smirk widened.
"I know. I saw you at school — you're in Art Club, right?"
"Yes," Justin said, surprised. 'He knows my name,' he thought, and sudden wave of excitement and hope made his heart flutter. This evening started to seem like a dream come true to him.
"I'm Brian," the boy told him. Justin stepped back and nodded, wondering if they should shake hands. It seemed stupid, here especially, so he nodded again and said:
"I saw you at school, too, but I never thought you were… you know… gay."
Brian's eyes skimmed over him appraisingly, then he shrugged:
"No one knows. I let them believe what they want to believe — until I can tell all of them to fuck off without repercussions."
"Yeah, I wish that day would come already," Justin sighed. "I want to go to PIFA, though, and my Dad would never pay if he knew about me. It's a risk to come here, but I couldn't spend another minute surrounded by breeders and breeders only!"
Brian laughed.
"That's my position as well. I've never seen you here before, is this your first visit?"
"Yes," Justin suddenly remembered about Daphne and looked around. To his surprise, he found her dancing with some nerdy looking guy, right in the center of the dance floor.
Weird. But obviously later they both would have a lot of news to share.
Satisfied, Justin turned his attention back to Brian and asked:
"Do you want to dance?"
"Sure," the boy grabbed his hand and led him to the mass of whirling bodies, his hands snaked around Justin's waist, pressing him tightly to his body. Justin closed his eyes, willing himself to relax. He knew how to dance, but now, feeling Brian's hands around him, feeling his cock press against his stomach, he had hard time thinking. All rational thoughts blurred, his own cock was painfully hard, and all he wanted was to kiss those full, slightly pouty lips that were curled up in a warm, a little smug smile.
Desperate to distract himself, Justin asked:
"Do you also bide your time until you finish college? Are you going to come out then?"
"Oh, I'm going to come out a lot earlier," Brian said and sent him a tongue-in-cheek grin. "My parents won't pay for college anyway, but I don't want anything to spoil my chances at getting the scholarship. So — I wait only for the end of this god-damned year, then I'll be out and proud."
"Sounds amazing," Justin sighed and carefully leaned his head against Brian's chest, hugging him tighter.
For a few minutes they just danced, both absorbed in their thoughts. Justin wondered what Brian's words about how his parents wouldn't pay for college anyway meant. Did they not have enough money? Or were they just not close? He wanted to ask, but didn't dare risk ruining this moment. He enjoyed it too much.
Suddenly Brian gently took his chin and tilted his face up, toward his own. His eyes were so intense, so serious, as if Justin was the centre of his universe, as if nothing else mattered. Slowly, he bent over and nuzzled his neck, and Justin shivered, his heart started pounding against his ribcage. Probably satisfied with the reaction he'd elicited, Brian placed a long, soft kiss on his neck, and then covered Justin's lips with his own. At first he moved softly, almost hesitantly, but when Justin moaned, he deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue deep into his mouth, caressing his back, pulling him ever closer. Justin trembled, but kissed him back just as passionately. The rest of the world melted away, the only things he could feel now were hot lips devouring him and strong hands exploring his body.
"Do you want to get out of here?" Brian murmured, kissing him along his jawline. Justin nodded, unable to talk. For a fleeting second he thought to warn Daphne about his leaving, but that thought evaporated when Brian smiled at him that mysterious, enticing smile of his, and squeezed his hand, leading him toward the exit.
Justin was sure he would never regret his decision.
He still thought so the next morning, even when Brian looked at him coldly and told him to fuck off. It hurt, of course — it hurt like hell. Justin didn't know what he'd been expecting — after all, they had barely exchanged a couple of sentences before fucking, but he also hadn't considered he would be dismissed so callously. Brian treated him like a whore, like he was insignificant and worthless. Justin wasn't delusional, but he'd hoped their beautiful night together would be the beginning of something equally beautiful. Now everything ended even before he had a real chance to enjoy it, and he felt crushed. He hadn't let Brian see his tears, but when he got home, he closed himself in his room and cried.
Daphne was outraged when he told her, and insisted that he should forget about the asshole and try looking for someone normal, someone real. Justin agreed — mostly because it was easier than arguing, but he was too depressed to even think of going to Liberty Avenue again.
Days at school were long and gray, and every time Justin saw Brian he felt his heart break some more. He tried to forget, tried to move on, but it was difficult, because he already couldn't imagine anyone more perfect, more right for him than Brian. Brian who was so beautiful that it almost hurt to look at him, Brian who was ignoring him, behaving as if Justin didn't exist.
Sometimes, Justin caught him staring at him, but his eyes were unreadable, his face blank, and he looked away the minute he noticed Justin was looking. Did he think about him? Did he maybe regret sending him away? There was no answer to these questions, so Justin kept torturing himself with guesses and hopes.
One freezing winter day Brian's popularity ended with a loud bang. He was caught in a locker room with one of the students, in a compromising position, and the only reason they let him stay at school was because the Headmaster liked him enough not to kick him out months before graduation. But Brian was kicked off the team, and since the incident he had turned into pariah. His former friends turned their backs on him, other students avoided him like the plague, too scared that even sitting next to him would make them outcasts, too. The boy Brian had been caught with left school of his own free will, unable to withstand mocking and hatred any longer. Brian got taunted either, but he could also be cruel himself, so mostly people preferred to stay clear of him.
Justin hesitated for a week, debating with himself about what to do. If he approached Brian, if he suggested friendship and Brian accepted it, then he would be automatically outed. His comfortable, quiet, secured life would be over, probably just as his dreams about PIFA, because there was no way his parents wouldn't hear about it.
Was it worth it? Was Brian worth it?
Justin was afraid to discuss it with Daphne, because she, undoubtedly, would just tell him that he'd lost his mind. Destroying everything over a fuck with a guy who didn't give a shit about him? It sounded crazy even to Justin's own ears. But he also knew he felt… something. Some strange, unexplainable connection that had formed the first time Brian talked to him. And he wanted to explore it more than anything else in the world — more than going to PIFA, more than keeping his parents' love.
He wanted him. And for that he was ready to become a punching bag for homophobic assholes who just couldn't understand that personal life was called personal for a reason.
When Justin made his decision, he felt relieved — another sign that he was doing the right thing. So the next morning he went to Brian and sat near him in English class, trying to hide his shaking hands in pockets.
"Hi," he said and smiled weakly. Brian narrowed his eyes and stared at him.
"What the fuck do you want?"
"Nothing," Justin shrugged, hoping the expression on his face was indifferent. "I just thought I'd keep you company. It's boring as hell to sit through English alone."
Brian studied him with an inscrutable look, and then, suddenly, his eyes softened a little.
"Justin," he said quietly, "don't do this over some idiotic sense of nobility. I fucked up, now I pay the price. It has nothing to do with you, you don't owe me anything."
"Excuse me?" the boy huffed in disbelief. Fucking arrogant bastard. "You treated me like dirt, why would I think I owe you something? No. But I won't let some bigoted labels determine who I can be friends with."
"Friends?" Brian raised his eyebrow. Justin sighed.
"I wasn't the one who cut all ties. You weren't looking for a boyfriend — fine, but you could have warned me, instead of leading me on."
"I didn't lead you on," Brian glared at him. "I didn't promise you anything."
"You acted friendly," Justin interjected coldly. "I had no idea you would turn into a big asshole in the morning. I wouldn't have let you fuck me if I had known you were just pretending to be nice."
"One more reason to leave me the fuck alone," Brian growled, but this time it didn't affect Justin in the slightest. He started to think that the other boy's rudeness was some kind of instant defense mechanism, so it didn't even seem insulting anymore.
"No. I was interested in friendship with you back at the club, and I'm interested in it now. The only question is…" Justin peered at him enquiringly, "are you?"
Brian was silent for almost a minute. Justin could tell he wanted to say yes — probably loneliness and rejection were hard to live with even for someone as confident and independent as Brian, but something was stopping him from accepting his friendship.
Justin saw the exact moment Brian made his decision — his eyes clouded over, his mouth creased into a sneer, and he spat:
"Why would I want to be friends with some pansy-assed blond snot like you? I told you — stay away from me!"
He gathered his things and moved to another empty desk. Justin pursed his lips, wondering what he should do now. Giving up wasn't an option, especially after he'd seen a glimmer of longing in Brian's eyes.
No, he wouldn't give up. He would be persistent. He'd made up his mind, and no one, not even Brian himself would stop him now.
In the course of the next several weeks Justin had turned into a stalker. He followed Brian around, talked to him even when he was pointedly ignoring him, arrived the last one to classes so Brian wouldn't be able to change his seat. It wasn't easy for him and for his self-esteem, because Brian had used every insult, every humiliating name he could come up with. He hissed, he yelled, he said 'fuck off' every minute of every day, and yet Justin thought he was making progress. One time Brian even smiled at one of his jokes, despite trying to look annoyed, and Justin felt so happy in that moment it was ridiculous.
Still remembering Brian's small, genuine smile, Justin walked to his locker and stopped when he saw three of his classmates standing right in front of it.
"Hey, Taylor," Hobbs drawled, taking a step to him. "What took you so long? Too busy sucking your new boyfriend off?"
Justin bristled immediately.
"Jealous?" he shot back. Hobbs' face twisted.
"Faggot," he spat and grabbed Justin by his shirt. His friends cheered when he raised his fist, and Justin, realizing he was basically helpless, did the only thing he could think of. He kicked Hobbs in the shin viciously and pushed him away with all his strength. Chris yelped and staggered, bending over.
"You fucking fairy!" he shouted and lunged at him again. This time he punched him, and Justin gritted his teeth, tasting blood in his mouth. He'd known it would be like that. He'd known before he started pursuing Brian — he'd seen how other kids got tormented on the daily basis, but he still thought it was worth it. After all, there were only a few months of school left, and the entire life was waiting for him outside.
Life that included Brian, he hoped.
Justin managed to hit Hobbs back before he got punched again, this time in his stomach. Coughing, he tried to move away, but the other boy pulled him by his hair and raised his fist again.
Suddenly there was a loud, dull sound, and Hobbs disappeared. Justin finally caught his breath and looked around with wide eyes.
Brian appeared by his side, and the expression on his face was one of murderous rage. He swung Chris around and smashed his head against a wall, squeezing his neck tightly.
"You touch him again and I'll kill you," his voice was a low, menacing growl. Justin shivered, staring at him in amazement. In his boldest dreams he'd never imagined Brian standing up for him, protecting him like that. He thought he would have to go through abuse on his own, but it seemed he had gotten an ally.
Hobbs opened his mouth, as if to say something, but one look at Brian's face — and he changed his mind.
"Did you understand me?" Brian squeezed his neck tighter, and Chris choked:
"Yes! Let me go, you asshole!"
Sending him another warning glare, Brian stepped away and turned his attention to Hobbs' friends. They backed away immediately, and Justin blinked, surprised, wondering what it was all about. Yes, Brian was strong and intimidating, but there were three of them. Justin wasn't much of a challenge, so if a real fight started, he and Brian would definitely lose.
He looked closer, and suddenly the realization struck him.
Lethal, icy fury was still burning in Brian's eyes, but other than that, his face was expressionless. The face of someone who had nothing to be scared of. He'd already lost everything, including his athletic scholarship, so he could afford himself to fight as violently as it was humanly possible. Hobbs and his friends, on the other hand, still had their reputations and bright shining futures to think about, and they knew someone like Brian wouldn't go down easily. At the very least he would take one of them with him.
"Two fucking faggots," Hobbs murmured. "Come on, I have to go to the bathroom," he addressed his friends, and they followed him like two obedient puppies.
Justin relaxed when they left and smiled at Brian a little shyly. He forgot about the pain he was feeling — the only thing that mattered was that Brian had protected him. He so cared. It was much more than Justin had ever expected.
"Thank you," he said quietly, but Brian glowered, then approached him swiftly and examined his split lip.
"Stupid twat," he uttered. "This was exactly what I feared. I told you to stay away from me! I told you, didn't I?"
"Who cares about what you're telling?" Justin rolled his eyes. "I stopped listening a long time ago, because when I do, you piss me off."
"Justin," Brian carefully touched his chin and looked in his eyes. "I was a fool and I outed myself. You shouldn't have done the same. And for what, for Christ's sake? For me? I've been a jerk to you. I don't deserve… this."
I don't deserve you. Justin heard it, and anger and hurt that had been still simmering inside him all this time finally died out. He smiled again, more brightly, and took Brian's hand in his own.
"What's done is done," he noted. "I can't go back, and I wouldn't even if I could. If my parents really love me, they will support me. If not…" he frowned. "Well, then I'll figure something out. But it'll be easier to finally know for sure. And besides," his smile widened, "I've gotten a new friend over this. It's worth something."
"You're delusional," Brian told him, but his lips also curved upwards. Slowly, he squeezed Justin's hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it gently. Justin's heart fluttered.
He had a feeling he'd gotten a lot more than a simple friend.
April 8th, 2004
"I want to thank you all for being here tonight to help us launch Kinnetik. It hasn't been easy, of course," Brian looked at Justin who smiled at him knowingly, "but we did it. And now we hope to get at least half of our money back."
Everyone laughed, but Brian's face turned serious again.
"And most of all," he continued, "I want to thank my partner, Justin. My partner in every sense of this word. He supported and encouraged me even at times when I thought giving up was the only option. He was angry and demanding when I needed someone to kick my ass to make me stop wallowing in self-pity, and he was caring and patient when I felt ready to explode with frustration and took it out on him. I couldn't do it without him," Brian was staring into his eyes, and Justin felt a lump in his throat.
Those years were more difficult than he could have predicted. After school Brian had managed to get into Carnegie Mellon, to study advertising, while Justin's dream of PIFA had been destroyed once and for all when his father refused to pay and kicked him out of their house. His mother cried and begged him to change his mind, but ultimately she chose to stay with Craig, to take care of Molly. Justin and Brian moved into a tiny crummy apartment on the outskirts of the city. Justin worked full time, hoping to make enough money to go to Carnegie as well a year later, and Brian found a job at the local diner. They struggled to pay for food, not to mention the apartment that was eating almost all of their money. They barely survived that first year, and they were both constantly so tired that there was almost no time to have sex, to talk or to spend time together.
Later things started to look up. Justin managed to get a loan and finally got enrolled in Carnegie Mellon. Brian was rapidly making success, and one day he barged into Ryder Advertising Agency and demanded a meeting with CEO himself. He charmed the male secretary (Justin didn't even bother asking how), and got his five minutes. Ryder was impressed, and offered him to freelance. The conditions were for shit, but Brian gritted his teeth and took everything Ryder was throwing at him. His efforts paid off — he made important contacts and even got a small portion of recognition. Money started to come slowly, but gradually, and both Brian and Justin decided that it was worth trying to make their lifelong dream of opening their own agency come true. Things got difficult again, but not as badly as before. They finally had time for each other, and that's when their first fights began. Justin hated the fact that Brian was tricking. He knew it was stupid, and that he should be grateful for Brian's patience because he kept repeating over and over again how all those men meant nothing to him, but feelings of hurt and insecurity lingered, causing heated arguments between them. Brian also wanted Justin to quit Carnegie Mellon and transfer to PIFA, but Justin thought it was counterproductive to their main goal.
However, most of their fights ended up with hot, long sessions of make-up sex, and overall, they were happy together. They laughed, they dreamed, they talked, they danced in their small apartment when the lights went off. It was difficult, but Justin always remembered those years fondly. He and Brian challenged each other, criticized each other's work and made helpful suggestions, celebrated every achievement, no matter how small. Poverty and struggles only brought them closer, and Justin hoped it wouldn't change now, when Kinnetik was finally opened.
Brian finished his speech, still not taking his eyes off him, leaned over and kissed him tenderly, almost reverently. Justin melted in his arms, feeling 'I love you' in every gentle touch, every sigh and kiss.
He'd never felt happier and more complete.
"Thank you," Brian whispered, pulling back and looking at him. A storm of emotions was raging in his eyes, and Justin drank them all in avidly. "Thank you, Justin. This moment… it would have never happened without you. I know I usually don't tell you what you want — what you deserve to hear — I know that. But it doesn't mean I don't feel how important you are to me. How… vitally important," he smiled timidly. "More important than I could ever express with words."
Justin bit his lip, trying to control his overemotional body. He wanted to burst into tears and fling himself into Brian's arms, but his next words stopped him cold:
"I love you."
Shocked, Justin stared at him, wondering if he had misheard. Brian — Brian who never even said 'I miss you' — had just uttered those three sacred words? It was impossible. It was completely and utterly…
"I knew I'd make you speechless," Brian smirked, watching him with amusement. "Breathe, Justin. I need you alive."
"Did you… did you mean it?" the blond asked insistently, squeezing his hand in an almost painful grip. "Brian, did you?"
"Of course I did, you stupid twat," the man murmured, kissing his temple and pulling him to his chest. "Didn't you know it already? Weren't you the one who was always telling me how much I love you?"
"Yes, but… this is different," Justin hugged him tighter and closed his eyes, willing himself not to cry. Brian loved him. He told him, after all those years. He finally told him.
What more was there to wish for?
"I love you too," he whispered, and felt Brian smile right into his hair.
"I know."
They stood like that, completely absorbed in each other, for what seemed like eternity. Then Daphne jumped to them, babbling excitedly, and they had to reluctantly step away from each other.
But Brian continued to hold his hand through the rest of the evening.
August 10th, 2008
"Justin, I told you to get back in bed!" scoffing, Daphne pushed him onto the pillow and re-adjusted his blanket. "How the hell did you manage to get sick in August, anyway? It's hot as in… I don't even know where!"
"It's Brian's fault," Justin mumbled, glaring at the blanket. "He wanted to have sex on the roof, and some asshole closed the door! We spent there all night, naked and wet, because there just couldn't be another day for raining!"
"Brian wanted to have sex on the roof?" Daphne repeated dubiously. "It doesn't sound like him."
Justin's glare intensified.
"All right, I wanted to have sex there. But it's still Brian's fault, he shouldn't have fought with every god-damned neighbor we have. Then they wouldn't have closed us up there!"
Daphne wanted to say something, but suddenly the door opened, and Brian, with a concerned expression on his face, walked inside.
"Hey, Daphne," he greeted, sat on the bed and bent over Justin to kiss him. "How are you feeling?"
"Better," Justin replied, sending him a bright sunshine smile. "What are you doing here so early, it's only two o'clock."
"I took the rest of the day off," Brian smiled at his excited look and snuggled up to him. Justin laughed and tousled his dark hair.
"Brian, you'll wrinkle your suit."
"Who cares about my suit?" the man murmured, kissing his face, moving down to his neck.
"Okay, it's getting hot in here," Daphne said and got up. "I'd better go. Seriously, guys, I'd never think you've been together for twelve years. You're still acting like lovesick teenagers."
"We were never lovesick teenagers," Brian objected. "Well, at least I wasn't. This one, on the other hand…" he teasingly tickled Justin, and the blond smacked him in the head.
"Cut it out!"
"See?" Brian complained. "The concept of mature behavior is foreign to him."
"Like you're the one to talk!"
"See you," Daphne called out. "I'll come visit you tomorrow, Justin."
"You don't have to," Brian said, straightening and stroking his partner's hand absentmindedly. "I took the whole week off, so I'll take care of him."
"You did?" Justin exclaimed. "But what about that new account you were telling me about?"
Brian shrugged.
"Ten and Cynthia are perfectly capable of dealing with it. We pay them money for a reason, you know."
Justin beamed at him, and Daphne tried to hide her smile. After all those years, it amazed her how much in love her best friend still was. And Brian… it had taken some time to get used to him — she couldn't forgive him for hurting Justin in the beginning, when they just met. Later, though, he'd proven to her again and again how much Justin meant to him. Sometimes Daphne caught him unguarded, watching her friend with such tenderness and admiration that her breath caught in her throat. She was ashamed to admit it, but she felt envious. She'd have given anything to have this kind of love in her life.
When she left, Brian kissed Justin again and then pulled back.
"I'll go get you something," he said. "Do you want milk?"
"Milk?" Justin narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Were you talking to my mother again?"
"Believe it or not, I know how to take care of sick people," Brian pressed his lips to Justin's forehead and frowned. "You're too warm. Do you have a headache?"
"A bit," the blond admitted.
"Give me a minute, I'll be right back," Brian walked out of the room, taking his jacket off without stopping. Justin leaned back on the pillow and sighed contentedly. At times he thought it was impossible to always feel so happy. He had a loving partner, a beautiful home, a profitable agency that brought only pleasure… everything was perfect — so perfect that sometimes Justin felt terrified. Because he couldn't imagine what would happen if he lost all of this.
Luckily, Brian was still with him. And as long as they had each other, Justin was sure that every possible obstacle that appeared on their way could be overcome.
After all, they had love on their side.
December 23d, 2014
Justin stared through the window, watching the snow fall, covering ground with a white blanket. He shivered, feeling cold despite the heater.
Christmas was just in a few days, while his mood was far from cheerful. Brian had promised him an unforgettable holiday, and Justin was inclined to believe him. He would definitely never forget this winter.
Recently, when he started to work part-time in his new gallery, Brian had suddenly become estranged. He was constantly irritated, snapping at him for every small thing. He ridiculed him, and his light teasing had turned into mocking, sometimes so cruel that Justin was ready to cry. He wasn't used to being humiliated. Not anymore, after so many years of domestic bliss. He hadn't understood what was wrong with Brian then, but now, when he did, he wished he would still be in the dark.
Brian was having an affair. He was romantically involved with another man, and Justin had wanted to die when he realized it. It'd been years since he felt threatened by Brian's tricking, and now, knowing there was someone else, someone important, he felt helpless. He was thirty five, no longer a young, hot guy Brian had been attracted to. He still looked rather good, but his hair became darker over the years, a wrinkle appeared between his eyes, and his body wasn't perfect anymore. He knew it, but he hated thinking it mattered that much to Brian. Justin was usually confident in himself, and while he was ready to fight for his partner, the betrayal cut deep, making him unsure in how to proceed. He had planned a big surprise for Brian on Christmas — he'd been working like crazy in the gallery, trying to finish eighteen paintings, each of them symbolizing a year they'd spent together, but now it seemed pointless. Brian probably had other plans anyway.
Brian hadn't told him anything yet, but he behaved as if he wanted to get caught. He stayed late at work and then came home reeking of one and the same person. He talked with him on the phone, laughing and joking, he left his IM sessions opened on his computer for Justin to see, he even mumbled that foreign name in his sleep once. Adam. Yes, Justin knew who he was. A young employee in the Art department. They rarely met since Justin'd started spending most of his time in the gallery, but today, when he'd come to Kinnetik, Brian had quickly changed that. He actually asked Cynthia to send Adam in, and officially introduced them to each other. Then he proceeded by flirting with him right in front of Justin, and the blond's patience came to an end. He sent Brian a deadly stare and left without saying anything, shutting the door with a loud bang.
Now, standing near the window, he felt despair, dark and stifling. He loved Brian, he was ready to fight with Adam and thousands of his tricks, but only if he was sure he still held a place in Brian's heart. Today he'd realized he'd been deluding himself. Brian obviously stopped loving him, and there was a limit to Justin's patience. He wasn't going to be a little heartbroken housewife. If Brian didn't have the guts to come clean and break up with him, Justin would have to do it on his own.
The mere thought filled him with such intense pain that he gasped and grabbed the back of the armchair so not to fall. He simply couldn't imagine his life without Brian in it. But was there a choice?
Absorbed in his depression, he hadn't realized Brian had arrived until he heard his soft, hesitant voice:
"Justin?"
Startled, he turned around and stared at him, not knowing what to say. He hadn't expected Brian to come home so early. Usually he stayed at least until seven in the evening, and it was only four now. Maybe…
Justin froze, his heart clenched in his chest painfully.
Maybe Brian had come to the same conclusion? Maybe he finally felt ready to end their relationship as well?
But the longer Justin looked at him, the more he realized something was wrong. Brian's eyes shone with a strange, joyful light, his lips were stretched in a weird, goofy smile Justin hadn't seen for months. He looked… happy. He looked deliriously, blissfully happy, and Justin couldn't understand what to make of it.
Brian slowly approached him, not taking his eyes off his face, and cleared his throat nervously.
"I… wanted to do this later — if at all — but today I decided that there is no point in waiting any longer. I know you always wanted it, and now when it's official, I thought I don't mind it that much."
Justin furrowed his brow, trying to make some sense of Brian's confusing words. What was he talking about? At first it sounded like he was indeed leaving him for Adam, but then what did that part about 'his always wanting it' mean? Did he think Justin wanted them to break up?!
"Well," Brian chuckled anxiously, "you've always been a romantic, and this year has been for shit, so I hoped to choose something that you would have chosen yourself. I… anyway, I figured you would tell me if you didn't like it. We could always change plans and…"
"Brian. You're babbling."
That stopped him short. He rolled his eyes, but smiled, as if admitting his own stupidity.
"Right. Only you could turn me into a rambling idiot."
"Me?" Justin wasn't sure whether to be insulted or flattered. But Brian was still glowing, and involuntarily, he smiled back a little. He didn't remember the last time he'd seen Brian so enthusiastic.
"Okay," the man exhaled deeply and took something out of his pocket. Justin's mouth fell open and he stared at Brian like he'd never seen him before.
"Is this… is this what I think it is?" he asked, his voice shaking. Brian nodded. "Oh God. Oh my God, Brian, I… I don't know what to say," Justin closed his eyes, trying to compose himself. "You want to marry me?"
"If even Pennsylvania state recognizes gay marriages now, who am I to deny them?" Brian attempted to smile, but worry creased his handsome features. He tried to show Justin the ring, but the blond shook his head, still gaping at him.
Brian wanted to marry him. Brian proposed. Justin had dreamt about this moment for so long, but now, when it happened, he didn't know how to react.
What should he say? 'Thank you, but I think we shouldn't get married for the wrong reasons'? What on earth had even made Brian propose? Just in the morning he had publicly humiliated him, almost fucked that fucking Adam in front of him, and now he wanted to get hitched?
Maybe he felt guilty? Maybe he'd realized Justin was on the verge of breaking, and had chosen to come back to him? He hadn't been sure he would obtain Justin's forgiveness, hence the ring and the proposal?
But Brian didn't look guilty. No, he was ecstatic for some reason, his eyes were shining excitedly, and he was impatiently waiting for his answer.
Justin took a deep breath, desperately trying to think of something to say. Yes? No? What about Adam? How could you do this to me?
Probably Brian read something on his face, because suddenly his joy evaporated, and his bit his lip.
"Justin… I fired… one of the employees today. He was insignificant and…"
Hearing about Adam caused a wave of vomit to rise in his throat, and Justin exhaled sharply, feeling his stomach constrict.
He didn't want to know about that. He thought he could, but imagining Brian with that young hot blond was just too much to bear.
"Justin," Brian whispered, staring at him almost beseechingly. "Justin, he didn't mean anything. I just thought… I came to the wrong conclusions and…"
"Stop," Justin cut him off abruptly. "Stop. I don't want to hear it."
Brian fall silent, and something resembling fear appeared in his eyes. Justin sighed again and rubbed his face tiredly. Could he just forget about those four months? Could he pretend that Adam had never happened?
Brian was offering him his dream, and who cared what reasons had led him here? They'd been together for eighteen years. It was ridiculous to cross them over one idiotic mistake.
Justin slowly raised his head and looked at Brian. A small smile appeared on his lips when he uttered:
"Yes."
"Yes?" light returned to Brian's eyes, and he squeezed the ring in his hand. "You mean it?"
"I mean it," Justin nodded, and his smile widened. "But only if you mean it either."
"I've never meant anything more," Brian breathed out and with a trembling hand carefully put the ring on his partner's finger. Justin's throat tightened, and he sniffed when Brian hugged him and pressed his lips to his blond hair.
"Justin," his voice was choked, "there is only you. There has always been only you for me. Remember that."
Justin's stomach did a weird flip-flop, and he pressed tighter to Brian's warm body.
He wasn't going to think about past anymore. He wanted to concentrate on their future.
October 19th, 2016
Present days
Now, looking back, Justin realized he'd made a mistake. He should have heard Brian's reasoning for cheating on him, he should have listened. But he'd chosen to try and forget about it — and now it was too late.
Brian didn't love him anymore. He probably hadn't since his meeting with Adam, but he'd broken up with him and come back to Justin... why? He didn't know. Maybe Brian thought it was safer to stay with him, and now he regretted his decision. Obviously their marriage had been Brian's last desperate attempt to salvage what was left from their relationship, to maybe rekindle their love, and when it hadn't worked, he felt resentful and angry. Now he was punishing Justin for being here with his indifference and coldness.
They had gotten married right after Christmas, and it was one of the happiest days in Justin's life. They went to Europe for their honeymoon, and spent wonderful weeks in France, Italy and Spain. For the last five days they went to Ibiza, and Justin remembered that period of time as the happiest. It was filled with love, childish games and laughter, like they were teenagers again and had just discovered what sex was. All Justin's doubts disappeared after seeing Brian's eyes full of desire and love for him.
When they came back to Pittsburgh, Brian suggested moving out from loft and buying a house. Justin was amazed, but he agreed readily. He loved the loft, but it stopped to seem fitting for them after so many years.
Britin was everything Justin dreamed of and more, but he hadn't thought that he'd be moving there with a stranger instead of his husband. Something happened again — as if some Brian had gotten tired of pretending. He became practically emotionless, he chose to spend most of his time at work, and when Justin tried talking to him, he snapped and snarled to leave him alone. It was like everything Justin did was wrong, like he irritated Brian so much that he couldn't bear spending even a minute in his presence. Justin tried everything to make him open up, but it was useless, and he felt hurt and miserable.
Rubbing his eyes tiredly, Justin walked into the bedroom and looked at the painting he'd drawn right after their wedding. It was strange to see something so joyous, so light, when Justin couldn't even remember the feeling of happiness. He hadn't felt it in a long, long time.
Suddenly he heard fast footsteps, and in a second the door opened. Brian, looking all businesslike and collected, walked inside and threw his suitcase on the armchair.
"Get dressed," he told him. "You have thirty minutes. We're meeting Vergeville and his wife at LeMont at eight o'clock."
"What?" Justin blinked. "Why you're telling me this only now? I wasn't planning to go out tonight."
Brian sighed exasperatedly.
"I'm telling you now because I was too busy to do it before, and I forgot to ask Cynthia to call you. What's the matter, it's not like you have something better to do."
"I'd still appreciate being informed in time," Justin said in an icy voice, staring at him hard.
"Yeah, I'll keep it in mind," Brian drawled sarcastically. "Now move your ass, you have to look presentable."
He turned to his closet, examining endless numbers of suits, while Justin stood motionless, still looking at him.
"What?" irritated, Brian turned back to him.
"I want to divorce," Justin said suddenly, and then froze, shocked at his own words.
Had he just really said that? Had he asked for divorce? Christ…
Yes. Yes, he had. And the scariest thing was — he didn't regret it. Because he would rather be alone than go on living with someone who treated him like that.
Brian seemed to freeze, too. His eyes were wide and incredulous as he stared at Justin in disbelief.
"What did you say?" he asked hoarsely. Justin swallowed, but didn't look away.
"I want a divorce," he repeated. "Maybe not formally yet — I simply have no strength for those tiring routine procedures, but I'm going to move out as soon as possible. You can stay in Britin, I'll find myself something else. Then we'll figure something out."
Brian's mouth fell open. He was obviously at the loss for words, and Justin felt dark, triumphant satisfaction. At least he noticed him — him, after all this time. He wasn't going to be taken for granted any longer.
"Justin," finally the voice retuned to Brian, and he tried to clear his throat to sound normal. "I… I don't understand. Is this some kind of joke?"
"Do I look like I'm joking?"
"No," Brian whispered, staring at him like he was seeing him for the first time. "But… why? Is it because of this stupid dinner? We don't have to go, Justin, I'll call and cancel it."
"No, Brian," Justin sighed tiredly. "You don't actually think I would want to divorce over that?"
"Then why?" his voice grew louder. "What the hell did I do?!"
"Brian…" Justin bit his lip, trying to find the ways to explain. He didn't want to hurt him. It was absurd, but he loved Brian — he loved him more than anything else in his life. And he wasn't going to make everything more difficult than it had to be. "Brian," he tried again, "it's time. What we had before… it's gone. We aren't the same people who fell in love and decided to build a life together."
"What the fuck are you talking about?!" Brian roared, and Justin jumped a little from the impact of it.
"I don't blame you!" he hastened to assure. "Well, I do, actually, but I understand it's irrational — you can't control your own feelings, I know that. But you don't love me anymore, Brian. Hell, you barely tolerate me! You don't talk to me, you're always busy, you're acting like you despise me. Like I'm dragging you down. I never wanted it, Brian, but our life has turned into routine. We're like another sad couple of boring straights who are sick of one another, but too scared to admit it and to break up. I don't want to see the future where you'll start hating me for holding you back, and where I'll start hating you for my weakness. Our relationship has been over for two years, let's try to save at least good memories we still have. Let's not spoil them. Please."
But Brian was only shaking his head in denial, his face unnaturally pale.
"You're so wrong," he breathed out. "You have no idea how wrong you are."
"Brian…" Justin's eyes pricked with tears. "Brian, I could survive poverty. I could survive your tricks, I could even survive Adam who you were in love with. But I can't survive your indifference. It just hurts too much. I understand…"
"You don't understand a fucking thing!" Brian suddenly exploded, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. "I told you Adam was meaningless — I told you and told you, but you just refuse to listen!"
"I know genuine affection when I see it, Brian!" Justin shouted. "I know you liked him, I know you almost left me for him! When you proposed, I thought we could start over, but I was mistaken. You just didn't feel that way about me anymore! And your tricks…"
"What tricks?! I gave up tricking when we got married, I haven't tricked in years!"
"But not because you love me! Not because you're committed to me. No, they've just started taking up too much of your precious time! You got obsessed with Kinnetik and you forgot about everything else. Do you know how insulting it is, Brian? I had been fighting for monogamy forever, and I received it only after you've fallen in love with someone else!"
"Justin," Brian pressed his forehead against the blond's, his voice dropped, "you're not making any sense. What are you talking about?"
Justin took a deep breath to calm down, and then tried to explain:
"I didn't understand at first, but then I figured it out. We were over the moment you saw Adam, Brian. You fell for him, you became involved with him romantically and emotionally, and even though you broke up with him, you haven't gotten over your romance. After you proposed I believed that rekindling our flame was possible. Later I realized you regret your decision, the choice you've made. Brian, you're still pinning after Adam. If you gave up tricking for someone, it was for Kinnetik, or for your subconscious commitment to Adam, but definitely not for me. And I can't live with that anymore. I want to divorce, and to try building a new life, without you in it."
"Just like that?" Brian whispered. His eyes were dead, and Justin's heart clenched in his chest. "You would give up everything we have… you would give up me… for some assumptions you've made? Assumptions which you don't even know are true?"
"Brian, of course they are true," Justin laughed bitterly. "Even if you don't want to admit it. But everything's changed since Adam. You have changed. And I'm tired of pretending to be happy when you can't even spend five minutes in the room with me without insulting me. I bore you, I embarrass you — I see it every time we have a business meeting or go somewhere together. And I can't bear it anymore. So… just let me go," his voice dropped to a whisper. "Let me go, Brian. It might hurt at first, but later it'll make us happier. I promise."
Brian sucked in his breath sharply, and slowly, reluctantly stepped back. Justin stroked his cheek once, then turned to bed to gather a few things.
"I'll sleep in the guest room tonight," he said quietly. "I'll try to move out in a few days, so I'd appreciate if you didn't bring anyone here in the meanwhile. Adam waited for two years, I'm sure he can wait a little longer."
"Shut the fuck up," Brian suddenly snapped furiously, and Justin pursed his lips, glancing at him coldly.
"Right. I'll be downstairs."
He walked out of the room and closed the door behind him carefully. The future he was facing now was bleak and colorless, empty, and Justin wasn't sure how he would survive it.
How he would ever get over Brian. It was impossible, and in this moment he realized it more clearly than ever before.
A wave of dread and hopelessness washed over him.
Now what?