A/N: First Heroes fanfiction! Yay! I love Heroes ^^ So I heard this song and because I have been obsessed with Sylaire for some time this was what came out of it..
Title: Something I Can Never Have
Fandom: Heroes
Pairing: Sylar/Claire
Rating: T ('cause I love the letter ^^)
Also this is dedicated to my bffeab (best friend for eternity and beyond) DamnULulu because she's awesome, and she was the reason I discovered this song ^^ UH and the fandom! xD
Enjoy, and please leave a comment :D
~o0oOo0o~
Something I Can Never Have
I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing,
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
The rain was pouring down outside of the small bar making the streets glisten wet and people run to cover indoors. Only two persons were left inside the shabby place, one was the owner standing behind the counter cleaning up after another night with a full house, the other was a young girl sitting alone at the corner table staring out the window. Her sky blue eyes were hard as they gazed at the grey raindrops falling down hard on the glass as if they were trying to penetrate it and reach her.
But she didn't notice the rain at all anymore, nor did she feel it on her skin as she left the bar when it closed. Without any jacket or umbrella she walked along the pavement letting the cold seem through what little clothes she wore. But she didn't notice it, didn't feel it. She couldn't. No matter how much she wanted it, no matter what she did (and she had tried a lot) she never felt anything. Nothing. She sometimes wondered if she was still the same person, how could she be when she couldn't feel anything?
Only one person could make her feel anything anymore.
In the beginning it was only pain that was absent, but slowly as the decades went by more and more feelings whether physical or mental faded and eventually disappeared all together. Just like everyone she knew. Everyone she had known and loved dearly was gone, dead and buried. And she was left. Alone. Never changing. Never dying. Only he was left from her past, the past that had been her real life and not this ever wandering shell of a human being she was becoming. And she was scared, scared of loosing herself, scared of becoming something she didn't want to be. That's why she came to him, she wanted to remember, to feel again, even if those feelings could only be fear, disgust and hatred.
He had been waiting for her, he knew she would come. She knew that he knew, and she hated him even more because of it. He had looked the same as all of those years ago, just like she looked the same. His dark bottomless eyes pierced right through hers and she knew that even without mindreading he understood. He was the only one who ever had, and was now also the only one who ever would. It pained her more than anything else.
They both needed each other, her to be able to feel again if just for a brief moment, and him to escape his nightmare and to not be alone anymore.
It had surprised her that when she had looked into his eyes she hadn't only felt hatred, there had been something else deep inside of her, a feeling of longing that grew stronger by the second. She had wanted to move, wanted to get up, go and never look back. But she had found that she couldn't leave, for the first time in so long she had felt something and when she left she knew it would be all gone. She would go back to being a ghost. Unable to feel, just lingering in the shadows for all eternity. She didn't want that, so she had stayed.
Now as she walked in the drizzling rain she couldn't help but to snort at herself. She had actually been with that monster just so she could feel again. She was so selfish. When she had realized the impact of what it was she was doing the guilt had shot through her like a knife. How could she have done that? He was a monster, he had killed thousands of innocent people including her biological father. What would her father say if he could see her now? Or Peter? She had betrayed them all. She had quickly run away, but he had followed her, asking her what was wrong. She had almost laughed out loud. What was wrong? All of it was wrong. She was wrong. She had screamed at him for a long time, making it clear that she didn't want anything to do with him, that she thought him a monster. And always would.
She still remembered how he had looked when she left for good. His broken expression, the tears on his cheeks, the sad crushed look in the deep brown eyes that she had come to love. His voice still echoed in her head late at night when her thoughts would drift away. The way he had said her name, called after her when she didn't look back. Desperate, longing, broken. She hadn't known he could break. But she couldn't go back.
At night she would still dream of him, but it was never the nightmares she so often had had before, it was always memories of the time they had shared, the time when he had made her feel again. She would try to banish the dreams, to think of something else, but nothing else mattered in her life anymore. Only they were left. Only him. So in the end she decided not to sleep at all, and just kept wandering around day and night, never really knowing where she was, and never caring.
She was alone and empty once again, and only he could make it go away. But she couldn't be with him, it wouldn't be fair to all of those who had been so brutally ripped from their lives, it would fill her with guilt and self-loathing. How could she want him? How could she even feel anything, but hatred towards that monster?
But she did. She wanted him, wanted to forgive him, but would never allow herself to have him.
~o0oOo0o~
You always were the one to show me how Come on and tell me.
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Gray would be the color, if I had a heart.
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing,
and I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away
You make this all go away,
I just want something
I just want something I can never have.
Even from the start, back when she had only been a cheerleader in his mind, she had always been the one he was looking for. The one he kept searching for. Back when he had first discovered his ability and taken so many lives to get more, she had always been on his mind. Her power had always been the one he had desired the most, the one that would make him just as special as her, the one that would make him immortal. And if it wasn't for that ability he wouldn't have been able to get all of the others that he now carried. He didn't even know what he could do anymore, he had taken so many abilities that he had finally lost count of them. All his life he had dedicated himself to the search for new abilities, to become stronger, better, more special, but now he didn't desire those powers anymore, they didn't matter, nothing did. There was only one thing he desired now and that was her, Claire. Not her power, but her.
He had known for a long time. Ever since her beautiful face had appeared on his arm so long ago, but he had ignored it. He had tried to drown himself in abilities, to always keep his mind occupied with anything but the thought of her, because he knew that a normal lifetime span wouldn't be enough time for her to find it in her to forgive him. So he had patiently waited. Waited for the day when she would finally realize that she needed him as much as he needed her.
That day was the happiest of his life. The day when suddenly she was there, right beside him. She had been reluctant, but he knew that she would stay, she knew that she had to. He was the only one she had. The only one left. The time they had spent together had made him feel alive again, had given him purpose and even worse, it had given him hope. Hope that he wasn't going to die alone after all, hope that he could change, that she could change him. The hunger had torn him apart and ruined his life, but he had hoped that with Claire all these things would finally make sense, because without all that had happened to them they wouldn't have been there now, together.
But it didn't last. And he had known that deep inside of him all the time. He needed her and she needed him, but she still would never be able to give herself up to him. Would never be able to fully forgive him and therefore would have to leave him. And she did. As he watched her walk away he could still hear her angry words sound in his head, could still see her fierce eyes staring at him filled with disgust, burning him with hatred. It hurt and all he wished was that he could just curl up and die, but he never would be able to. He would always walk this world, all alone for eternity.
She was long gone and night had fallen. The stars that he was now so familiar with shone sadly down at him, and the pale silver moon hung low in the horizon. He wondered if things would have been different hadn't he been who he was, what he was. If he hadn't become that monster she would always see him as. Would she have cared for him? Loved him? Had he stayed as Gabriel Gray would it had made any difference? He couldn't picture it, no matter how hard he tried. Gabriel Gray was long gone and that person wasn't someone he could ever become again. And if he hadn't changed, if he had stayed that way he would never even have met her, and he wouldn't be alive right now.
They both had endless time and he would continue to be there for her should she ever need it, but he knew that he couldn't have her, not fully. She was the one thing he could never have.
~o0oOo0o~
In this place it seems like such a shame Come on and tell me.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same.
Everywhere I look
You're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing,
and I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make it all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
Time continued, as did life, and only Sylar and Claire were left unchanging. Both trying to live, but never really succeeding unless they tried together. Claire had always been stubborn and continued to run from him, to hide and try to forget. Sylar knew that following her would do him no good, and went back to his endless waiting. He too tried to forget, to make the terrible hope disappear because he knew that it would crush him again the next time she left. But everywhere they went something would remind them of the other, every time they closed their eyes they would see them together. And eventually they would find each other again and history would be repeated, countless times.
But no matter how many times it did, it would never have a happy ending because their story had no ending. They both wanted something time could not give them, something they could never have.
A/N: I know gray is sometimes spelled grey, but for the purpose of this fic I think it's obvious why I chose gray ;b
Thanks for reading!