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'Absconditus'
Part 1
Todd Anderson did not want to be at Welton. In fact, Todd would have rather opened up the door of his father's Cadillac and spilled himself all over the interstate. From the stories his brother told of this place, it was a fantastic school. Difficult, but fun as soon as you made some friends. Then again, this was his brother, Jeffrey Anderson; the star of the family, the Ivy League firstborn with everything going for him. How often would he clap Todd on the shoulder as soon as he knew that Todd had been accepted and gaze into space, mumbling something about being so proud of him and the magnificent times he had at Welton, despite the rigorous studies. Todd actually stopped listening after a while, and only focused on the fact of how uncomfortable he was with his brother's hand on his shoulder.
It was one of the last places that Todd had in mind when he came to his parents, asking to look for other schools beyond Balincrest. Phillips Exeter was most appealing, but of course his parents would not hear of another school in which he would be nothing less than the Anderson legacy. Todd was not one to complain, even when longing an aggravation was eating him from the inside out. He felt these things, he felt them with a terrible passion that consumed him every time something bothered him immensely, and this happened mostly while he was at home. Yet, when he sat in the pews of the Chapel at Welton, Todd felt that terrible half-nausea which followed through when his mother forced him to stand up and recite the creeds of the school, even though he did not know them; Tradition, Honor Discipline, and Excellence. The young men standing in front of him said these four words with such conviction that Todd's meager attempts to even follow them were drowned out and useless within the seven seconds it took to speak them. Even as he was leaving, he felt like bolting past the his parents out the door, but stayed for fear of embarrassing himself and his parents. Todd always felt as though he did enough of that, anyway.
"Mr. Anderson," Mr. Nolan had said to him while shaking his hand, "You have some big shoes to fill, young man. Your brother was one of our finest."
While Todd now felt like clenching his teeth and asking this bastard to tell him something that he didn't already know, all he was able to stomach out in his infinite shyness was an inappropriate, "Thank you." Todd kicked himself for that meek response later, but could do nothing about it. First impressions were set, as they always had been, and Todd was now seen as an introverted boy with no spine. At least, that's what he thought. Nolan saw every boy at Welton as the same person; all young, all impressionable, all dangerous if they were led too far gone off the disciplined path which Welton set for them. Yet, Nolan called them as he saw them, and with any legacy to account for, he could recognize a danger if he saw one. Todd Anderson, the brother of the Valedictorian Class of '56, was no threat whatsoever.
The day had started. After his parents had left, Todd walked around the school, getting a feel for what would be his home for the next two years. It was in a courtyard where the sunlight slowly waned but still managed to illuminate the dying leaves where Todd first met Neil Perry. Despite the lack of light, Neil seemed to be luminescent as he introduced himself to Todd, and he remembered nothing else of the conversation. Neil was unlike anyone he had met before. When Todd finally got to his dorm room after retrieving his luggage, he arrived only to suffer hearing that he was already seen as a stiff by an obnoxious-sounding redhead who was standing in his doorway, presumably speaking to Neil. Todd was upset, but was somewhat used to this title. It wasn't that he was a stiff, though, that bothered him. It was just his self-infruriating ability to have to do everything exactly right- do everything exactly right, or die by the hands of his parents. That was the image he had in his head.
"Listen," Neil had said quickly, after swallowing a mouth full of laughter, "Don't mind Cameron. He was born with his foot in his mouth. You know what I mean?" he finished with playfully smacking Todd on the back with something, to which he instinctively winced.
As the next five minutes progressed, Todd became aware of exactly who his roommate was. With people he didn't know asking him for study group, gathering in his room, reporting to him as if he was some sort of benevolent captain. Even the most cocky of the group, a smug-looking young man named Charlie Dalton, seemed to regard Neil as a sort of leader, someone to be reckoned with. Even as he learned the new four pillars of 'Hellton', "Travesty. Decadence. Horror. Excrement." Neil lead them in a quiet orchestral manner, as if conducting their speech and tone. Though he had not the general air of a leader, Neil had this about him, and Todd could recognize that instantly. He could pick these people out of a crowd, he just looked for everything which resembled none of his own qualities. Though his character was undeniable, it was a bit dashed when Neil's father, Mr. Perry, walked through the door and took complete control of the room, taking Neil outside the door. Todd had sprung from his seat when Mr. Perry entered, and was now busying himself with something else on his desk so as not to have to be engaged in some kind of awkward conversation.
"What a hammer," Charlie Dalton said, still perched on Neil's bed across from Todd and staring at the door, the cigarette he had stamped out not a moment before still smoking and burning the hard wood of the floor.
"I would hate to be in his shoes," the boy called Steven Meeks said, shaking his head and leaning back in his chair.
"Yeah," Knox Overstreet agreed, "I mean, my parents can be tough sometimes, but nothing like Mr. Perry."
They sat for a second of silence before the three boys got up and walked out the door, somehow knowing that Mr. Perry had gone. They were speaking in the hall to Neil, who had a twinge of irritation in his voice when the boys told him to stand up to his father, for once. Todd blocked it out and fiddled with his alarm clock until he was addressed by Meeks for study group, "Todd, you're welcome to join us."
"Thanks." Todd said, briefly looking up as the boys left and Neil came back in, closing the door. He crossed the room behind Todd, who couldn't help but feel a sort of apprehension to even be sitting there with Neil, a young man he had just met but couldn't help but admire. Neil jumped onto his bed and lay there just as Charlie had, and exhaled, closing his eyes.
"Are your parents ever like that?" he said, and Todd turned to look at him. Neil had his hands folded behind his head, and was looking at Todd through the side of his eye, showing off his profile. For some reason, Todd felt a jolt in his stomach but promptly answered, "Uh, yeah. Sometimes."
He turned back around and squeezed his eyes shut, feeling like an idiot for no reason in particular. Neil looked up at the ceiling and breathed out again, "I just- I can't- I don't know."
Todd looked back around at him. Neil had his hand over his eyes and was obviously frustrated, and Todd wished that he had something to say to him, but nothing came to mind, so he turned round again and set down him alarm clock.
"You don't talk much, do you?" Neil said, walking over to the desk and standing by Todd and pushing on his shoulder. Todd looked up and smiled quickly before standing up and saying, "No, not really."
"Well, that's fine." Neil said, regaining his slight swagger and resuming his post on the radiator, "Just as long as you don't let people take advantage of you. But hey, don't worry about Cameron. Like I said, he has no gift with words."
Todd sat down on his bed and clicked open his suitcase, which was filled with clothes, all tightly folded as if they had just been taken out of shrink wrap.
"Wow, maybe Cameron was right..." Neil said in a low tone, looking in Todd's suitcase, and then laughing when Todd looked around at him, "Oh, come on. I was joking. Anyway, you should definitely come to study group and get to know the rest of the guys. They may be rough around the edges, but they're great. I'm sure they'll take to you."
"How do you know?" Todd replied quickly, with a bit of nervous laughter on his tongue, "You've just met me."
Neil looked at him hard for a moment, as if he had just said something amusing, "Well, I can usually tell whether I like people or not when I meet them, and... I like you." These last words Neil said with absolute nonchalance, as if he had preached this sermon to a dozen choirs. Todd was both puzzled and a bit annoyed, but just kept his mouth shut without a second thought about 'Captain Neil'. Little did he know that this would not be the only Captain he would meet within his time at Welton.
Classes at Welton were incomparable with those at Balincrest; never had Todd met so many a-bowtied professor with cable-knit sweaters in variations of the same neutral color that all had bars rammed so firmly in a rather impolite place. Balincrest had been formal, for sure, but nothing like this. With every rule and assignment, Todd could feel his muscles tensing tighter and tighter. As he walked into his English class and took the seat in the upper-left corner, next to the window, so that he could distract himself when he needed to, Todd felt as though if this new teacher was anything like the rest of them he would surely collapse in upon himself. This man, Mr. Keating, had looked normal enough at the Chapel Meeting the day before, but then again the Trig teacher who knocked a point off of final grades for missing homework rather resembled Todd's late grandfather, who would recline on pillows and stroke his cat while telling a much younger Todd entertaining stories about chivalrous days past. It was strange for him to find that Keating was absolutely nothing like any of his other teachers at Welton, but terrified him even more.
Todd had been avoiding study groups, anyone could see it. Neil would bother him incessantly about it, never letting up, and still Todd was sitting in their dorm room with the words CARPE DIEM SEIZE THE DAY scrawled onto his notebook paper. Keating's words were burned into his mind and they would not leave it. The words were especially raking to him because he knew that was something he never did and would never want to do, but also knew that it would be a creed which was to be enforced in Keating's class. He bit down on his pencil, trying and failing to concentrate on his Chemistry book. It was almost lights out, which meant that Neil would be coming back within a few minutes. Todd moved to his bed and began to undress, hurrying so that he would be in his pajamas by the time Neil returned. It was bad enough today, sitting in the boys' locker room. One could not describe how immensely awkward that was for Todd, as he was always the guy to get dressed in the bathroom stall, so rumors were already sprouting up. Todd knew it was really no big deal, but couldn't help but begin to get queasy and blush uncontrollably whenever he was naked or close to it in the vicinity of someone else. He had just gotten on his pajama pants when the door opened and Neil came walking in.
"Hey," he said, "Knox just got back from the Danburry's. Said he met the girl of his dreams, or something."
Neil hadn't noticed that when he entered, Todd whipped around so that only his bare back was facing him as he groped on the bed for his night shirt. His face, as predicted, had turned bright red. As he fiddled with the buttons, Neil undressed as well, and Todd turned to see him in the process of the last stages of disrobing. Neil was thin, but not in the way that Meeks was thin. He had sort of a leaner quality to him, as if he was athletic but could not produce any muscle. Todd stopped fiddling with his buttons and climbed into bed, being careful to look anywhere but Neil. Why did he always have to get the roommate that insisted on not wearing underwear to bed?
"Finish your history homework?" Neil asked, making Todd look at him. He paused for a moment, trying to understand what Neil was talking about and then remembering his excuse to not come to study group, "Yeah, I did."
"You know, I'm in the same class as you," Neil said, with a slight bit of cleverness in his voice, "And I don't remember having any work tonight." There was a pause between them wherein Neil plainly looked on as Todd stared, "Why don't you come to study group instead of shutting yourself up in here?" Neil said finally, "The guys would like you, I'm sure of it."
"I just think there would be too many distractions," Todd exclaimed, somewhat annoyed at the subject, "My parents expect a lot from me, and-"
"And you think my parents don't expect a lot from me?" Neil interrupted, raising his prominent eyebrows, "You saw my father yesterday, for Christ's sake!"
"Yeah, but you don't have a Valedictorian merit scholar's footsteps to follow in, do you?" Todd half-shouted, making another long silence ring through the small room.
"Okay, listen," Neil said, obviously trying to be patient, "Come tomorrow, just give it a try. If there are too many distractions for you, you don't have to come anymore, alright?"
Todd thought for a moment, and then nodded. Neil smiled, "Good. 'Night, Todd." He flicked off the latern.
"Goodnight."
A week had passed, and things had become smoother and more relaxed between Todd and the rest of the boys. Yet he could not get over the feeling he always got when Neil was around him. There was something that drew Todd to him, but he just did not know what it was. Whenever he was near him, which was often, there was a soft buzz going on inside his chest as if a bumblebee had got inside, and only stung him when Neil touched him. It was only when the Dead Poets Society came around that Todd really began to do things he never thought himself capable of. For one thing, he was terrified of being eaten by wolves thanks to the tales of Grandad Anderson, and would have never gone out into the woods to the old Indian cave if Neil had not convinced him to do so. He often ended up doing that. Neil would simply not allow Todd be his uncomfortable introverted self, and that was what intrigued Neil. If there was anything he would do, it would be to change Todd, for the better- help him, as it were. As to what he would change him into, he was not yet sure.
The night after the class in which Todd was forced to stand up in class and speak his mind about what he really thought of Walt Whitman, the moon was full and its light shone through the window. Both boys were sitting on their beds, facing each other but busied with their work. Todd was reading up on tomorrow's history lesson while Neil, who had already finished it, was staring at the pages of his 'Five Centuries of Verse'. The book looked as though it was ready to fall apart, and the boys of the Dead Poets Society wondered if that had been Keating's doing or if it had been like that long before it became the property of the Dead Poets Society.
Todd was still unable to unravel the mystery of his attraction to Neil. He had an air of virility about him, but didn't flaunt it as shamelessly as Charlie did. Neil's endearing allure rested in his small gestures and fleeting glances. Todd sometimes could not help but feel as though he was trying to seduce him, but Todd had hoped that the ideas of such things had not reached Welton as they had Balincrest. It was more likely that he was just being paranoid and Neil had accidentally nudged his foot beneath the table, and that he was looking far too much into the fact that Todd's fingers were brushed against by Neil's when he passed him the Latin notes.
Neil was sitting on his bed and leaning against the wall with Keating's book in his hands. Half of his face was shrouded in the dark, and the shadows played on the folds off his uniform, engulfing his entire right half. Todd briefly looked up from his book work to look at Neil, whose eyes were fixated on the beprosed page. In utter concentration, Neil was entirely still as Todd watched him. It was as though there was nothing else in this world to Neil except the poetry he was taking in. In one definite moment, Neil's dark eyes flashed up and he stared at Todd, who quickly tried to make it seem as though he had been looking at history the entire time. Did Neil know how frighteningly attractive he looked at the moment? Todd cursed himself for even thinking something like that. Another guy... attractive? What the hell was he-
"Todd," Neil was standing over him in an instant, with an expressionless look on his face which Todd could not even begin to hope to read. Todd stared up at him in bewilderment, not knowing what to say or even how to explain himself. In a second, Neil had cupped Todd's face in his hand and, tentatively, kissed him softly. Todd had no idea what was going on or why, but he did not want to stop it. Neil gently bit and tongued Todd's lips, pleading for entrance. Todd was about to part his own lips when he felt his arms limp at his sides, and when he did he pulled Neil down on top of him, deepening the kiss with all the force of Neil's weight. They kissed until they had to come up for air, in which case Neil caught his breath first and began to draw his mouth against Todd's collarbone, moving up to his neck.
"N-Neil?" Todd quietly murmured, tightly holding on to the fabric of Neil's jacket, while feeling an erection growing in his trousers.
"Yes?" Neil replied, obviously feeling the same thing.
"Have you ever done this before?"
Neil stopped and looked at Todd, then reached for the light while smiling that dangerous but enticing half-grin that shown on his face whenever he discussed Dead Poets business. His hand reached the pullstring and he stared directly into Todd's eyes before simply saying, "No."
click
"Carpe Diem..."
The darkness surrounded the two boys and the sound of the bedsprings noted that both had their full weight on the bed. Neil pulled Todd's shirttails out of his trousers and pushed up his shirt, kissing the cold, exposed flesh and eliciting a gasp from Todd's swollen mouth, "Neil," he whispered, penetrating the darkness, "Don't-"
"Don't what?" Neil spoke back, "Don't do this"
Todd felt Neil undo his pants and delve his hand deeper, bringing forth another, more delicious gasp. He felt Todd's length and was somewhat impressed before starting to rub him up and down, knowing that with each intake of air Todd was growing a deeper shade of red in the shadows. Though he was getting rather loud, so Neil leaned forward and shut Todd's mouth with his own, eliciting a soft but powerful moan that turned into, "Don't... stop..."
And Neil wasn't planning on it. He positioned himself between Todd's legs and thrust with each stroke, and Todd grasped a fistful of Neil's hair as if he would fall off if he let go. Soon, Todd began bucking in rhythm with Neil, until Todd abruptly stopped again and tried a breathless Neil off of him, "Neil, stop," he said, but Neil just went forward again, "Neil, STOP!"
Todd forcefully pushed Neil away, making him bounce against the wall at the head of the bed. In the moonlight, Todd could see the look of shock on his face as he shouted, "What's the matter with you?"
Todd quickly got off the bed and moved to the wardrobe in the dark. Neil could just see his outline as Todd covered his eyes with one hand and cradled his elbow with the other as he wrapped his arm around himself, hunching his shoulders and slightly facing the wardrobe.
"I thought you wanted me," Neil said, confused.
"I do!" Todd shot back from behind his hand, "It's just... this may be your first time, but it's not mine."
A wave of shock passed over Neil as he rose from the bed towards him, "What?" Neil would have never thought in a million years that Todd could be anything else than entirely virginal. Yet, by the way Todd was acting, it was obvious that this was not his doing.
"Oh gosh, Todd..." Neil walked towards him, carefully, in the dark, "I-I'm sorry, I didn't know-" He found Todd's shoulders and Neil felt him flinch from the contact. Todd quickly turned away from Neil's hands and crossed his arms, pressing his forehead against the drawers. There was pain in his voice as he replied, "There's no way that you could have."
"What happened?" Neil asked, and then cursed himself for it.
Todd turned quickly so that his back was against the drawers and he was facing Neil. Though he could only see an outline, Todd looked anywhere but where he knew Neil's face was, "Nothing! I'm sorry-" he looked downward and Neil cautiously reached forward to touch his face. Todd slightly flinched again, but quickly relaxed when he remembered where he was, that he was safe. His skin was warm and smooth, and Neil ached for him with every soothing caress. Todd, who had formerly been to Neil the picture of innocence, now had the recognizable cracks of a vase that had been broken but then carefully placed back together. He still did not look at Neil, and his eyes had turned black, clouded with thoughts and memories that were eating him from the inside out.
"Todd, you can tell me," Neil said softly, moving his hand to Todd's shoulder, "It's alright-"
"It's not alright!" Todd shouted suddenly, pushing Neil's hand away and covering his face with his own, "It will never be alright..." he choked, slurring his words so that they were difficult to understand, "It hurts so badly and it will never go away..." He sunk to the floor, and Neil knelt down beside him, "Gosh, Todd," he said, bringing him into a tight embrace, and repeating himself, "You can tell me..."
There was a long pause between the two of them until Todd drew in a trembling breath, shaking slightly as he began to speak, "At Balincrest, there was a senior," he began, holding back tears, "He said we were friends, nothing else. And that's how it was. We spent more time together than we did with anyone else, and I think I may have- I don't know... But, we were walking in the campus woods one day when he just suddenly kissed me and shoved me against a tree, and, oh God-"
"Todd, it's okay-"
"H-he was stronger than me. I tried to push him off, but he was so much stronger than I was-" Todd was speaking very rapidly now, "I-I didn't know what was going on until he turned me around and pushed my face into the bark and he just wouldn't stop!"
Both boys tensed at this terrible sound of Todd's grief, and both prayed that no one outside had heard it. Todd let go of the front of Neil's shirt, not knowing that he had been grasping on to it for dear life.
"That's why I left," he finally said, standing and sniffing to compose himself, "Even though he was graduating, I felt like everyone knew, and almost everybody did."
"Todd, I'm so sorry." Neil said, and Todd turned around. Neil's face was illuminated fully in the light of the moon, yet Todd was merely a silhouette against the window, "I couldn't even had imagined... Todd, you know I wouldn't have if I had known-"
"Don't." Todd reached forward, briefly touching Neil's shoulder, but Neil caught his hand and wrapped his long fingers around it. Neil's eyes were large and brown and sympathetic, and Todd found himself momentarily lost in them. He moved his other hand to the back of Neil's neck and brought his forehead to his, "Just forget it."
They separated and Todd walked past him, grabbing his toothbrush and opening the door. He stood there and turned, seeing Neil, unmoved, entirely black against the window, the stars outside forming a crown above his head. Then he moved towards his bed, out of the window frame, and anyone walking by would have sworn that Todd was walking out of an empty room.
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Quite late, yes, but what do you all think?