Title: Hope & Despair
Author: Roo
Rated: T
Summary: Here comes the right time when Hibari Kyoya pours his heart out to himself whilst he was being captive by blasted herbivores.
Note: It's a bit ooc. Just a little warning.
Hope & Despair
"Loneliness..."
The floor was cold behind the boy's back. No matter how hard he tried to move, he couldn't. No matter how hard he tried to speak, he couldn't. No matter how hard he tried to breathe, he couldn't. He knew he was conscious. He can feel his surroundings. Yet he couldn't move anything and cannot see anything other than gloomy blackness.
Instead of pushing himself to his limit and fall completely to the darkness, he busied himself to think whilst pouring his heart out, tired of hearing those sickening words his blasted captor chose so wisely and so obviously researched through records or even through his head.
"If there was one word to say what my heart is feeling right now, that would be the word. Loneliness. I have never felt so alone in my life. There are so much putrid emotions, enough to make ones head explode yet my aching heart continues to ache more as it welcomes sentimental feelings of sadness, hurtful joy and most especially anger."
He can imagine himself sitting down in the midst of the darkness, feeling quite happy that his thoughts weren't as blank as his vision.
"I hate myself for acting tough when deep inside; a feeling of wanting to be cared for is attempting to break free from the borders I've created. I hate it when I can't seem to say the right things, making people believe that I'm inconsiderable. I hate how little I treat my so-called friends, not being able to see the importance of building up such a relationship.
I hated myself during my childhood. I hate how I'm always supposed to make a good impression. I've been trying my best and all they do is ignore everything I do right and look at everything I did wrong as a sin. Even just a small accident they consider that a SIN! How exaggerating is that? I hate it whenever they talk to me like I'm some kind of slave. I hate it when they ignore whatever I have to say to defend my thoughts and heart. I hate myself for looking like a useless child, standing there whilst they sprouted lies to render me useless. I hate it when amongst all of them; my attention is the least prioritized. Children my age laugh at me for my mistakes. I know they know what I'm going through. I hate how insecure I'm starting to be; unable to answer a full answer, constantly murmuring when scolded and putting on a poker face when I'm about to cry. Like now, I've always hidden in a corner, not being seen by anyone else other than my very own soul.
I hated what my childhood had done to me in the present. I was a wall. A cold stone wall waiting for those lost to pass through and fail with utmost failure and shame. I hated how I still continued to care for dim-witted herbivores. Whilst they continued to pester me with their future ideas and how much they loved me, I continued to loathe them, continued to tell myself over and over again how foolish getting involved in any relationship is.
I hated that even though I knew now that no matter how much I kept on repeating to myself how forlorn I will forever feel, there would always be someone out there, at least a single speck of dust, bacteria out there, caring for me.
I hated how everything I hated sounded so wrong that I'm starting to hate myself for admitting myself wrong. "
Determination made him stand up from his own dream.
"But there's no turning back now. I've branded myself as a lone predator; always looking for careless victims to pound on. No matter how big my hatred is to the world, to myself and to others, I will continue to keep on hating. I will continue to fuel that hatred and make it as my resolve to keep things the way they are. I will not let anyone, still, cross the stone boulder where every truth is kept.
For the sake of sticking to the present, I will bite anyone who dares defy me to death. "
And with a blast, a wall was broken and light continued to shine, showing the battered-up boy with black hair glaring at life.
Author's Note
Aha! It's been a very long while since I've updated with a 's a bit wild and unorganized. I got so mad at my mother that I needed to vent out my feelings and since I could only rely on the computer for support, well... This came out. I reworded it, of course, to make it sound at least a bit like Kyoya.
I have to explain though. This probably happened during the time Mukuro and the gang kept Hibari captive. Yeah. I kinda made him "weak" here I'm so sorry. I really doubt, though, that he wouldn't be able to move just like that. The title doesn't really mean anything. I was just listening to Pico's [A Nico Nico Singer] version of the song Hope and the other song Despair. Would have just titled this 'Hate' or 'Nameless Title' or something.
~Roo